Pairs

Another year has passed and a new year has arrived. Again, as always, I counted down alone. I can't even remember the last time I counted down with someone, probably never. I remember last year I went to see the fireworks alone in the City of Gold. The year before that I counted down at home with my dog Baby. The year before that I counted down alone at the Monument in the City of Power, and there were no fireworks.

So this year I found a spot in my alma mater that had a view of the city fireworks. It was great. I enjoyed being back in my college. It's a beautiful campus, always renovating, with lots of good memories.

There were so many couples. They were in each other's arms, watching the fireworks together. Some kissed on the streets. After midnight, there were tons of scooters on their way home. More than 90% of them were couples. I like being in a scooter with a man. It's better than sitting in a man's car because in a scooter, I get to hug the man from behind and lay my head on his back. It makes me feel secure. I took a cab home. While in the cab, I watched all the couples in scooters on the bridge. There were old couples, young couples, couples with a kid in between. It felt warm, and I felt lonely.

While the fireworks were in display, I kept listening to World Filled with Love by Craig David. I want to believe. The image and the music went very well together, almost like a dream. I was smiling like a baby.

After the fireworks, I tried to talk to X again. I told him, "I promise next year we'll be watching this together. Do you promise too?" X said, "Yes, I promise. I'm sorry I can't make it again this year. But next year..."

But it's so hard to imagine what he would say. Perhaps I do not have enough faith in him. I want him to promise me that we'll be watching all the fireworks from this year on till death, but I am not him. I don't know what he would say. I don't know where he is. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know how he feels right now, and I don't know if he wonders how I feel now.

God, please give me this one last miracle. I don't want to be a prime number anymore. It is a universal law for people to be in couples. That's why everything in us is paired. For example, all of our organs are paired. Even numbers are always preferred to odd numbers. All the bills in the world are even numbers, except for ones. The sun is paired by the moon. Oxygen is paired by two oxygen elements. All molecules have an even number of electrons to be neutral. Left is paired by right. A front wheel is paired by a rear wheel. A man is paired by a woman.

Where is my other half?

New Journal

Today I bought myself a new journal made by a company in the City of Gold. I realized that typing my journal on my phone is too painful for my shoulders so I decided to start to write with pen and paper again. It also gives me a chance to proofread what I publish here.

So here's for today:
December 26, 2013

Every child's power is infinite. It's not about their intelligence, but the way they look at things in life. I don't think any human being can be called entirely smart or stupid; smart kids make stupid mistakes and "stupid" kids come up with the most brilliant words and perspectives that smart people like us have never thought of. It's all about the way and the angle we see the world. For example, these 10-year-old kids in my class told me they have taken the train by themselves to another city, completely by themselves. Upon hearing that, I was completely shocked because they could be kidnapped or lost. But these kids told me these trips are in fact exciting to them. Then I began to wonder what their parents are like. Are they as naive as these kids? Or these kids are just being themselves? If they're being themselves, then their power is limitless. They see this world as a beautiful place. They're much smarter and stronger than I am.

How do I be a kid again? I want to be as fearless, cute, and enthusiastic as these kids. Kids cry a lot, but they also laugh a lot. I'm the same way. It's not that I don't ever feel happy. In fact, I feel happy easily; just a circus show made me say "I've never had so much fun in my life!" But when he's gone, I cry my eyes out.

I still cried a lot today, on the bus, at home...

Why does every man cause me so much pain? Even if our encounter is as brief as just a few dates? Am I diluted? Am I seeing the good qualities in them that are in fact not there? Maybe a relationship expert would tell me it's the chemistry that makes me see how beautiful and kind they are. But how do you explain the way I see kids? Most kids in the world are annoying, but never to me. I see every child as a piece of white paper, born kind, naive, and vulnerable. That's how I see every man too. But how come nobody is staying for me? How do I comfort myself as a child? How do I hold and hug myself like there's a bigger person holding and hugging me? How do I tell myself he will show up like it's someone else telling me that with affirmation so that I'll have no doubt at all? It's so hard to believe like a child.

He said, "they look better together. You'll keep it for me."

"I wanna know what it's like on the inside of love. I'm standing at the gates. I see the beauty above. I can't find my way in. I try again and again. I'm on the outside of love. Always under or above. Must be a different view to be a me with a you. Of course I'll be alright. I just had a bad night." ~ Inside of Love by Nada Surf

Another Christmas Spent Alone

I've been watching the Final Page from How I Met Your Mother for a year. For the past year, I have not once not cried at those 40 minutes. Those two episodes give me so much hope in love.

Last night was Christmas Eve. Alex and I agreed to watch Love Actually together at my place. We were both hesitant at the beginning because we were afraid of doing something stupid but then I said he could crash on my couch after the movie and we wouldn't sleep together. He said, "So be it."

After work at around 9 or 10pm, I called his cellphone twice but no answer. My first clue was that he was going to bail out and it was going to be another Christmas by myself. Eventually he returned my call because he and his former coworkers were having a very late dinner so he arrived at my place at around midnight. Before that, I broke down and cried on the carpet in my living room because I thought he was going to stand me up and stop talking to me. When he called me on the phone, he told me there was no reason for him not to come to see me. When we finally saw each other at midnight in front of my building, we hugged for a long time and he kissed me on the right cheek. I said, "I cried for 15 minutes. I thought you weren't coming." He hugged me tightly and then we went back to my place.

We kissed in the elevator, and then in my apartment. He said he missed me and I said the same thing to him. I felt so happy because he stuck with me. We made out for a while and then decided to watch the movie.

As the movie played on TV, we were hand in hand with interlocked fingers, I was in his arms from time to time, and sometimes he held me to his chest. Eventually we started to make out again and didn't watch the whole thing.

It was very gentle. He has a great body and I just couldn't resist the warmth of our bodies staying together. I just wanted to completely melt into the moment without worrying the consequences. We said a bunch of sweet words to each other. Both of us had our panties on. I didn't touch his penis at all but he did hand stuff to me. Before we fell asleep, he said merry Christmas to me and I reciprocated.

In the morning both of us slept in. After he woke up, he started to hug me, touch me, kiss me, and we were making out again. This took probably and hour before we decided to get lunch and I had to take a shower.

Before I took a shower, I gathered up all my courage and asked him something that I wanted to ask a couple of days ago. I said, "Hey I need to tell you something. I really like you, but I feel uncomfortable about your girlfriend situation. What do you think I should do?"

He paused for a second and told me that he'd give an answer after I showered.

After shower, I asked, "So?" I was feeling so nervous that I put my hands on my stomach and pressed my hands against it so tightly.

He said, "Let's go to lunch?"
I said, "No, I mean your answer."
He said, "Oh...I think we should be friends for now."

I felt so much pain and couldn't speak a word. I started to frown and cry. I turned my back against him and held myself tightly as I cried. Minutes later, I collapsed. I first crouched myself and supported my head with my knees. Then my legs got tired so I sat down on the carpet and continues to hold my knees tightly and cried. He finally came over to me and asked me to sit on the couch. He started to comfort me but my tears were exploding from a well of pain. I asked him, "why", repeatedly.

He said, "it's not your problem; it's mine." But that's such a lame line. Every man and every show uses that. I kept asking. He then said, "you deserve a better man." This is the line I hate most. Because every man tells me that but none of them wants to be with me.

I continued to ask why. He said it was the timing. He had unresolved business. I said I was afraid that I wasn't a lovable person and he said, "you are lovable. You're a great girl. You're smart, charming..." He held me in his arms like a baby and I couldn't hear him anymore because my hearing was blocked by my own tears.

I said, "if it was just once or twice then I'd believe you. But after ten times, twenty times, thirty times, it's so difficult to believe again." He said, "are you exaggerating?" I said, "no. I've been rejected by about twenty guys...it's getting more and more difficult to have the courage and hope again. Every time it takes me even more courage to open up to a guy than the last time. And it's so hard to believe again..."

He said, "you're only 27. My sister never had a boyfriend until last year." I dismissed that argument, "she's younger than me. And she has a boyfriend."

"Do I mean anything to you," I asked. "Of course," he said. "Do you like me?" "Of course. That's why I want to be here." I asked, "Do you want to marry her?" He said, "I don't know." I continued, "Do you think there will never be a chance for us to be together?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "So we can't hang out again because I will always wonder if there will be a chance..." He said, "I know. A month ago, we didn't even know each other." I continued, "well, the night I went to the Red Room was the first time in the past 4 months that I was available on a Saturday night. Before that night I had to work 7 days per week and couldn't go anywhere."

"Why is it so easy for other people? After a week or two, they're together. A year or two, they're married. And I can't even go beyond the first month." He said, "because they're just average people." "I want to be average!"

I continued to say, "I'm afraid." He said, "whatever you're afraid of, it doesn't exist." I said, "I'm afraid I'll never see you again, like everybody else. Everyone in my life has left me like this. They don't know where I am, whether I'm dead or alive." He hugged me and said, "don't say that about yourself. It's not true. You will see me again. I know where you live. I might run into you at the gym. Or I will take your classes."

I told him, "I have kept everything. The box of the Godiva biscuits, our tickets to Cirque de Soleil, and a paper butterfly from the show. And as soon as  I finish this Godiva chocolate bar, I'm gonna keep the wrappings too."

He said, "oh I kept one of the paper butterflies too." I said, "Also, I'm afraid to look back every time we part." He said, "I know. That's why you never look back." I said, "because I'm afraid when I look around you're not there. I'm afraid that you leave before I do." He said, "No I always stay until you're gone first."

"I like your apartment. It's very cozy," he said. "It's cozy but I'm always alone." He said, "I'm always alone too." "You have a girlfriend." He said, "I have a mom."

That's the last thing I can remember from our conversation before we parted. We hugged tightly in front of my building again. I said, "bye," with so much sadness in my eyes and voice. After I walked back inside of my building, I turned around. He was gone.

I cried so much during the day. I had to get ready for my big lecture tonight. Fortunately tonight it turned out to be the smallest class I've ever taught, with less than 20 people. My tears just rolled down my face while I was on the subway. My face was expressionless.

After the lecture, I walked around in the city. I typed half of this entry on a balcony of a shopping mall, overlooking the city. It was a dark corner. I saw a big Christmas tree in front of the shopping center saying "Warm Christmas." I saw a Burberry ad with a man and a woman kissing passionately. I saw two high school kids hugging on the walkway. What is love? It feels so good to be in someone's arms, knowing that these arms will protect you, support you, and bring you warmth. My tears couldn't stop rolling down my face, and they still can't. I'm alone again on Christmas. My friends are gone. Ken is gone. Every man is gone. I miss Ivan. We had a great time together. I was completely a girl and he loved it. He was the biggest support and love I have ever had. I had no fear of anything at all. Why did it end? Why were we in a long distance? Why did I have to be expelled? It's been four years since we broke up. I've been single since then. Are you a dad now?

I thought this year could be a miracle. It ends just as badly as 2011, when Cato broke up with me right before the holidays. Why am I so alone? I just want to be with someone so much and yet it's so difficult. X, where are you? Can you hear me screaming at you? I feel so lonely. I can't see the meaning of life at all. Without love, the world means nothing to me. Life means nothing to me. I've traveled across the globe trying to find you, and I've looked highs and lows. You're not there. Where are you?

I typed the second half of this entry at a bookstore and then on the subway. My tears continued to roll down on my expressionless face in public. How many tears do I have? Will my tears be drained out someday? On my way home, I kept saying, "please kill me. I don't want to live anymore." And my tears continued to roll down. I want to be lucky one more time, and this time it will be forever. I prayed and prayed. I wrote down everything and kept everything in hope for getting lucky this time. Why am I so weak and vulnerable? Other women would feel it's no big deal because we barely know each other. How many times have I cried for men I've only been on a few dates with? For example, Greg and I only went out twice. Although our first date was instant connection that we talked for 6 hours straight at a cafe, he didn't feel sad for saying never to see me again. I, on the other hand, cried again.

Maybe, none of these things is a sign from the universe. Maybe there isn't any power in the universe, in life, or fate. I thought all the coincidences with Alex, such as Andrew, why I went to the Red Room that night, had no relevance. They don't count towards our serendipity. Maybe it was just statistics. There were no reasons at all. Maybe I can't keep believing that everything happens for a reason and everything is meant to take me somewhere. Maybe I just walk towards to death. End it all. Please end all my pain.

Everything in life is meant to take you somewhere.

On Thursday I had an extremely fancy French dinner with a great looking guy that my aunt tried to set me up with. It seemed that this guy had no interest in having a relationship at all but he gave me a set of two VIP tickets to the Cirque du Soleil.

Those two tickets are worth $400 so I decided to cancel my work on Friday night to see it. I called Alex and invited him. Originally he had plans too with the toastmasters but he managed to rearrange it so we went.

I put on a little black dress by French Connection and he was looking sharp in his suit as always. We couldn't help but smile at each other as soon as we met up at the metro station.

First, he said he was going to show me something before the show. We went to a cultural creation site to a bookstore. Inside of the bookstore, he found a cafe where people can paint while having coffee. I felt extremely touched because he knew I like to draw an he found a place for me to draw. I like how he remembers all these small details about me and surprises me like this. When I mentioned those things to him I never had the impression that he'd remember them by heart.

I told him that I wasn't able to paint anything at that time so we left. The store manager complimented how good looking he was. In fact, I do think we're compatible in many ways, including our physiques. My cousin and my brother think we look quite alike, and our heights are proportionate; I'm 5'6 and he's 6'3.

Then we went to the books section. We were goofing around different sections of books. But I was feeling so hungry so he took me to dinner.

He took me to a famous local Austrian restaurant. We were the first customers because it was only 5pm. As we were waiting outside for it to open, I mentioned again that I love rainy days. Rainy days are romantic because all the most romantic scenes in movies and TV take place in the rain. He asked if my dream marriage proposal would take place on a rainy day and I said "that sounds nice." He continued, "he'll have to carry an umbrella and kneel on one knee in the rain." I replied, "yeah but then we'll throw away the umbrella and just kiss in the rain."

We had a lovely time at the restaurant. He researched in advance their menu so knew exactly what to order. He sat next to me and occasionally he put his left hand on my knees and thighs. We talked about so many things, everything in life. After the long, slow dinner, we took the metro to the circus venue.

When we were walking together, he'd hold my waist or my shoulder. I enjoyed it and felt tingles every time he touched me. Our seats at the circus were amazing. They were the third row and everything was right in front of us. We even had access to the VIP room with free food and drinks during the intermission. Throughout the show, he was holding me with his left arm; sometimes our faces touched, and sometimes he put his arm around my knees if his arm was tired. At one point, we turned to our left and saw one of the audience perform. He put both his arms on my arms and his face right next to mine. It felt like we were a couple. It was also the first time that I could watch a show while leaning my head on the man's shoulder. In the past, when I went to the movies with a man, if I laid my head on their shoulder, they wouldn't put their arm around me. We took pictures together during the intermission and it felt as if we were a couple.

At the end of the show, tons of paper butterflies were released from the air. I screamed because I have never been so close to a stage to be poured down by those paper snowflakes. The lights went out and I said to him, "I've never had so much fun in my entire life!" He snapped a picture of me with his phone. I put a golden paper butterfly in my bag and I saw him put one in his pocket too. Then we walked to the metro station. We held hands twice tonight; once during the intermission at the VIP lounge and once as we walked past the concession stand on our way out of the venue.

When we got there, he pulled out another Godiva chocolate bar from his pocket. I felt completely surprised. He said because I told him that my niece and nephew ate most of the biscuits he gave me the last time, he got the same flavor of chocolate for me again. I looked at him, frowning a bit, feeling so touched. We hugged and I had to leave soon because I had to work the next morning. I looked back at him after I entered the station and he was still there smiling at me. I kept walking before I started to feel sad.

After I got home he told me via text that he wouldn't let me go if I didn't have to work in the morning. I felt so sweet upon hearing that. He gave me his VIP gift to me because I liked the gift so much. It was an Ovo egg shape light that changes colors. I put both lights on my nightstand and showed him the picture. He thought the eggs cute together and asked me to keep the egg for him. After I got home, I also put the tickets and the paper butterfly in the same drawer with the Godiva chocolate biscuit box.

*******************On Saturday********************

We hung out again on Saturday evening. He was going to take me to the movies but there were no good seats so we first walked around, got food, and then tried to find a bar we liked. Eventually we ended up at China Pa. Where life takes you is such a mysterious and powerful thing. Soon after we sat down in our booth, a man was planning a secret proposal to his girlfriend at the bar.

It was my first time ever to witness a marriage proposal. I'd seen tons of proposals on TV and cried tons of times but never once in real life. The man already planned things through with the band on stage and the bar. The live band was pretending to pick a random person from the audience to go on stage, but in fact they chose the girlfriend. They put a blind to cover her eyes. Our booth was on the second floor so we could see the boyfriend with a huge bunch of flowers and a glittering sign with the girl's nickname on it. Her nick name is Little Flower. I felt so excited and Alex took me to a spot with a better view. They took off the blind from the girl, and the boyfriend was down on one knee and reading a letter he wrote to her. I cried as I listened to it because it sounded like their love was unconditional and persistent. It was so romantic. Alex thought the guy reading from the script wasn't good enough and if it were him, he would easily remember the whole thing because he was saying from the bottom of his heart and look into the girl's eyes while delivering the speech. I teased him and said "well you're a toastmaster! Maybe this guy is extremely nervous and as long as the script is sincere, it'd be enough."

After we returned to our booth, I cried again upon recalling the marriage proposal. I told him that no one had never said those things to me before. He said, "of course no one has otherwise you'd be someone's wife by now."

As the band continued to sing really poppy songs, we both sang and danced along. We had tons of fun. He hugged me. Sometimes our faces were really close to each other and we stared into each other's eyes in silence a few times. At one point I laid my head on his chest for a long time, and he put his head on top of mine. He held me tight. I just loved the feeling of being held and feeling secure in someone's arms. Then he started to kiss my neck.

A while later I burst into laugh because I was feeling so nervous. He asked me why I was laughing and I told him I was nervous. As our faces got even closer, we kissed. He was a gentle kisser who seldom uses his tongue, but of course our tongues touched from time to time. We kept kissing for about an hour in our booth. It was so gentle and soft and I felt completely relaxed. I knew his girlfriend situation but I really just wanted to seize the moment. We were meant to be at the bar. We ran into a marriage proposal; it was my first time seeing a marriage proposal in real life. I cried. These felt like signs from the universe for us to be together. I just wanted to follow my feelings and forget about reasons.

I paid for the check at China Pa because he has bought my so many dinners and chocolates already. We kissed again at the entrance but apparently we didn't want to say goodbye there. I proposed we take a walk so we did. We were holding hands and he quoted from an ancient poem again about how the chilly winter wind sobered him up. His alcohol tolerance is probably lower than mine, which I find incredible.

When we reached the big intersection where both of us could get into a cab and head home in different directions, we stopped and kissed again. I felt uncomfortable because too many cars were driving by so we moved to a darker corner. First, he held me up trying to guess my weight, and he was damn accurate about that. We continued to kiss and hug. He told me he could just kiss me all night. He also told me another fun fact that human beings need 4 hugs a day to survive, 8 hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for striving and growth. I replied, "if that's the case, I would have been dead by now."

We alternated between kissing, hugging, and talking about ourselves. I told him that the very first time I saw him, I could feel insecurity in him and I wanted to know what he was insecure about. I said he was trying to hide his sensitivity and femininity through building up his muscles and he said I was almost right but it was also because he just quit his job by the time we met at the Red Room. He told me he had a young girl's heart and I replied, "just like me!" He kept asking me why I thought he was insecure and I kept saying I could feel it. I whispered to his right ear that I could also feel he was a nice guy the very first time I talked to him. He said sometimes he was too nice, although I wasn't exactly sure if someone can ever be too nice.

It was 3am and we really needed to go home. He offered to give me a lift with his cab. Our fingers interlocked in the cab. He asked me what I was insecure about. I said, "I know what I'm insecure about but I can't tell you."

When we arrived at our place and got out from the cab, we kissed and hugged again. I turned around and looked at him again as I walked into my building, and he was there again smiling at me. I didn't look back at him again because I was afraid of feeling sad to see him leave.

******************Today********************
At night, we had a text conversation. I told him that "the truth is...I'm afraid that I'm not a loveable person and that's the biggest insecurity in me." He replied, "ohhh you are loveable! a bit weird XD but you are adorable!" I felt so touched that I almost cried at the text message.

Cato and I once debated about what love is. He said he once made out with a girl who was a really good friend of his. At that moment, he just wanted to hold her in his arms forever. I want that. I want to be held in someone's arms forever. That's what love feels like.

The Box

A couple of days ago, I finished the Godiva chocolate biscuits from Alex. Instinctively, I threw away the inner box. Just as I was about to throw away the outer box, I stared at it for 30 seconds and decided to keep it.

I remember how I felt when he pulled it out from his backpack that night. I felt so surprised and sweet that I almost sweat. I know sweating seems to be a weird physiological response but that was how thrilled I was. He remembered that I like chocolate and he made the correct inference that strawberry milk heart would appeal to me because strawberry Haagen Dazs is my favorite.

I looked at the box again this morning for minutes, and then I cried. I secretly hope that this relationship will go till we die so I'm beginning to keep everything from this relationship. I have not done that with any man since Brad. Brad was the first guy I kissed and dated for a month. Then he told me that he wasn't emotionally available because he was bipolar. Anyway, I miss that kind of first puppy love feeling so much. I have never had that. I sort of had it but it wasn't really puppy love because the guys were emotionally jaded by the time we met. When I was dating Brad, I kept the movie tickets we saw together. Or did I? Actually I don't remember. I've kept movie tickets with several guys, but I never kept the movie tickets with Ken. It was the Transformers. I didn't keep the VIP NBA tickets either because after the game, he just left the ticket on my kitchen table. I left them there for weeks, hesitating about throwing them away because I thought if we had a future together, those tickets would be so romantic. I took a picture of those two tickets. Eventually I threw them away because Ken didn't want to be with me and those tickets didn't mean anything to him either. Maybe that day didn't mean anything to him at all.

So this time, although Alex has a girlfriend, I feel good about him. Remember in the Big Bang Theory when Penny pulled out a box of all the things that Leonerd gave to her, including tiny, trivial things, and even a rose that was so dead and dried. She didn't know if Leonerd was the one but she kept those things anyway. I'm going to do that for Alex.

I'm feeling wells of pain in my chest right now. Those images of men in the past cause me pains. I remember how Cato came back from Japan after Thanksgiving sharing all the pictures with me and bought me a Japanese doll which I still have in my room right now. I thought about throwing it away when I was packing for the City of Gold, but then I decided not to. I thought about throwing it away again when I was packing for the City of Rain, and then I decided not to again. I also still have the book "Inside of the Dog" that Ivan bought me when we were in long distance. This book also traveled with me from the City of Rain, to the City of Power, the City of Gold, and then back to the City of Rain. I barely receive gifts from guys so if I get one, it just feels so sweet. I also have the postcard from Richard in my room. That was the only thing I ever got from him and he was an important man in my life.

And now I'm starting to recall the moment when Richard crashed at my apartment for one night after five years. His shirt shrank because of the dryer and I couldn't help but laugh at his childishness. I said, "didn't you live by yourself for the past six years and you don't know that you can't put a pure cotton shirt in the dryer?"

I am recalling how Cato once opened up to me. He was an awkward person, he was insecure, and he had his emotionally baggage. I appreciated that and saw the kindness in him. I remember the night when he came to my place and kissed me for the first time. I remember the night I first cried in front of him because I felt extremely insecure about his female friend. He came over to hug me and told me that he was sorry that someone hurt me that way. But why did it end?

I just don't want the same thing to repeat with Alex. I saw the introvertedness in him and the kindness and insecurity in him. But what if he's just another Cato? Or JJ? Or everyone else? I feel terrified. And yet I remain strong and stay open about myself, my feelings and my hope. It's very scary but I must do it.

I hope Alex will be the one and all the sweetest things will happen. He won't be able to live without me; he can't resist making me happy; he will choose me and we will write our happily ever after together. Maybe one day we will give a TedTalk together as a couple, making a new history on TedTalk.

Why would I stop loving you a hundred years from now?

It's Only Time by Magnetic Fields

Why would I stop loving you
A hundred years from now?
It's only time
It's only time

What could stop this beating heart
Once it's made a vow?
It's only time
It's only time

If rain won't change your mind
Let it fall
The rain won't change my heart
At all

Lock this chain around my hand
Throw away the key
It's only time
It's only time

Years falling like grains of sand
Mean nothing to me
It's only time
It's only time

If snow won't change your mind
Let it fall
The snow won't change my heart
Not at all

(I'll walk your lands)
I'll walk your lands
(And swim your sea)
And swim your sea

Marry me
Marry me

(Then in your hands)
Then in your hands
(I will be free)
I will be free

Marry me
Marry me

Why would I stop loving you
A hundred years from now?

 

Love is such a mysterious thing, so is chemistry, hormones, and emotions. 5 to 10 years ago, I used to believe so much in reason, rationality, and atheism, but look where I am right now. I have changed so much in the past couple of years. The more I explore into myself, the more I realize how little reason can explain myself, the world, and the universe. I'm not becoming superstitious, but I do believe there is a higher power somewhere in the universe, but I wouldn't call this higher power Jesus Christ or other names of Gods in different religions. We human beings don't know everything. Not even close to everything. As I read the "Love" entry on Wikipedia, I also believe we know very little about our hormones and emotions, and of course, love. And yet, love, is such a central, magnificent topic in life. Without love, living is not living, and being is not being.

OK at least for now, I know I am someone who infatuates quickly. Maybe it's in my genes or something that runs in my family. People feel chemistry for me quickly too. Maybe it's my pheromones. I don't know. All I know is I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know what he looks like or what his being is like, but I know what our love will be like: I will never worry again anything I say or do from the bottom of my heart will push him away. When I miss him, I don't need to worry about making him feel yucky and stuff my sweet words down. I will be able to say everything from my heart out loud to him. When I cry, he will hold me in his arms rather than questioning me why I cry so much. I will do the same for him, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, until death do us apart.

I do miss Alex a lot. He was in the City of Richard this weekend for his MBA classes. Why do I like this guy? The very first time when I saw him I felt secure, because his body language told me that he was an introvert too. His friend that night, Andrew, whom I went on a blind date with 7 months ago, also showed significant insecurity in his body language but with tons of anxiety, kind of like Ken. Alex on the other hand, doesn't show any anxiety at all. He's brilliant but doesn't talk excessively, and he has an amazing voice. I like that. Honestly, after I first had a brief conversation with him, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He's not at all my so-called good-looking type; his mouth is quite big and I used to hate that in a man. But somehow, I see kindness in him, as if I can trust him completely. I peaked at him from time to time during the show but I just assumed that Andrew must have told him a bunch of things about me that made him never want to see me again. Fortunately, Andrew didn't, and I was able to tell Alex all my secrets that Thursday night.

I still feel so glad that he managed to find my LinkedIn after we first met. I thought serendipity would just shatter us apart again because he didn't ask for my number or anything. I'm glad I still have LinkedIn even though I don't have Facebook.

I must wait. There's so much chemistry at this moment but I now know it's temporary. I must wait until we form a solid, lasting love and friendship before we get sexual. Every marriage in my family has gone bad because of this. I want to see if we can be best romantic friends first before we get sexual. I want to know if we can show each other the deepest emotions of ourselves and still love each other before we get sexual.

It's not a test on him, but a test on myself. He's a great guy and I need to be a better person who loves and supports myself profoundly in order to write our love story.

Chemistry

After so many crash and burns, I have become very aware of the power of chemistry. Chemistry makes people feel "forever love", but chemistry doesn't last. I've read a lot of life coach's blogs and Wikipedia; they all say the same thing. I need to have a 10-date rule, i.e. I can't decide whether I want to be with a guy unless we've been on at least 10 dates.

So last night was my first date with Alex. OK in its formality it shouldn't be a date because he has a girlfriend. However, he did pay for my food and drinks, and the sweetest thing of all was that he brought me a box of Godiva strawberry chocolate milk biscuits. I felt so surprised and sweet that I was almost sweating upon seeing it because he remembered. He once asked me if I was a fan of chocolate:

Wednesday 12/11/2013
09:18 Alex btw, are you a fan of chocolate?
09:20 Me Yeeeeees chocolate makes me happy!
09:55 Alex do you like it sweeter or darker?
09:55 Me I like both
09:55 Me Why?
09:57 Alex haha just wondering XD
09:58 Alex not a big fan of sweets
09:58 Alex but yea chocolate
09:58 Alex but not anything of chocolate flavor :p
10:00 Me Whenever I'm sad the only thing I eat is strawberry Haagen Dazs
10:06 Alex hmm yummy!



Later that night we chatted more about what to eat. Somehow the conversation developed into his muscles and he showed me a couple of pictures of himself topless. They were indeed incredibly hot, hotter than most of the guys I've dated.

01:07 Alex hahaha don't worry
01:07 Me How tall are you?
01:08 Alex you are pretty from within
01:08 Me Aww thank you
01:08 Alex guess XD
01:08 Me I'm feeling really sweet
01:08 Me 180cm?
01:09 Alex 181
01:09 Me I was close!
01:09 Alex very
01:09 Alex what about u
01:09 Me 166cm
01:10 Alex and how much do you weigh?
01:10 Me I
01:10 Me AM
01:11 Me NEVER
01:11 Me GONNA
01:11 Me TELL
01:11 Me YOU
01:11 Me THAT
01:11 Alex hahaha
01:11 Alex I will weigh you myself tomorrow
01:11 Me What!?!?!?!!?!?
01:11 Me How!?!!'!?!?!???
01:12 Alex you don't know that i like lifting people up?
01:12 Me Do you know that I like being lifted by men?
01:12 Alex what?!???!!!!!!
01:13 Me Omg this conversation has to stop
01:13 Me Or I'm gonna blush so badly tomorrow
01:13 Alex you're a fast learner hahahah
01:13 Alex smart girl :)
01:13 Me You know I'm smart
01:14 Alex alright time to sleep
01:14 Me The problem is most guys [from here] I've dated couldn't lift me
01:14 Alex no way!
01:14 Me Yeah all the guys [from here] I've dated are small and not well built
01:15 Alex do you like being hugged like a princess or
01:15 Me I like everything
01:15 Me Omg I have to go to bed now!!
01:15 Me Why am I telling you all this
01:15 Alex hahahah
01:15 Alex what is everything
01:15 Alex you got to tell me
01:16 Me All possible lifts you can think of
01:16 Me As long as my feet don't touch the ground
01:17 Alex let me check with "101 ways of litting a girl up"
01:17 Me Hahahaha I didn't know there are so many
01:17 Alex omg i can't wait to try
01:18 Alex i think i can write a book about that after tomorrow
01:18 Me You're so much fun to talk to
01:18 Alex haha you too
01:18 Alex sleepless in Taipei
01:19 Me I can be sleepless because I only work two hours tomorrow
01:19 Alex hahah i can be sleepless too
01:20 Me But you gotta work in the morning
01:20 Alex but you'll  probably be lifting me tomorrow
01:20 Me Oh no I won't be able to do that
01:21 Alex hehee
01:21 Alex alright
01:21 Alex good night :)

We first had dinner at Sababa and then tea at Cafe Bastille. He wanted to take me for a walk by the lake on campus but it was raining and neither of us had an umbrella so we had to stay indoors. We hung out from 7pm till 1am and we both were upset that everything closed by midnight. We talked about everything. I told him everything from my childhood, relationships, Ken, Eric, JJ, etc. He told me about his smooth childhood, his parents, his family, ex-girlfriends. Interestingly, we're both introverts but we both like to speak in public. He's a toastmaster and I speak in public for a living.

Then we were debating whether a man and a woman can be platonic. He thought there could be and he said he has some female friends who are platonic with him. He could even guarantee that he would never want to do anything sexual with them. I just told him how Ivan married a girl whom he guaranteed to me that he'd never hook up with. Anyway, we had an awesome time. There was a lot of laughter. It feels nice to finally know someone with whom I can connect so instantly and deeply. I only hope he will be available soon and find me awesome. Remember Greg, PB, Eric, Rain, DK? These are all guys who I connected instantaneously but couldn't be with. I really hope Alex is not one of them.

He told me when he was 15, he bought a huge bunch of flowers to a girl he met at a prom and asked her to his girlfriend, although the relationship ended within just a few weeks. I said that was so sweet because no one has ever done that for me. I was thinking in my mind that the only bunch of flowers I've ever received was from Ivan for our first and only V-day, and it was just a small bunch of roses, and I cried. I told him if I were the girl I would definitely cry. He said he'll buy me a bigger bunch. I blushed and smiled and said, "it doesn't have to be bigger but it can come with chocolates!" Then he remembered the Godiva he bought me and gave it to me. I held it to my chest in total surprise. I said, "You remember this! How'd you know Godiva is my favorite?! I am a member at Godiva! Oh and this is strawberry milk, my favorite flavor! Thank you so much!!!"

After we parted, it took him almost an hour more than I did to get back home because he lives on the other side of the city.

2013/12/13(Fri)
01:37 Alex Hey Kendra you home?
01:37 Me Yes! I was just about to send you a message
01:37 Me Thanks for checking on me
01:38 Me And thank you for everything tonight. I had a great time
01:39 Alex thank you!
01:39 Alex I had a blast too
01:39 Me Really?
01:39 Me I feel very happy to know
01:39 Alex yep
01:40 Alex probably would have talked longer if the cafe were to open till later
01:40 Me Why don't you buy a bar that opens till 5am?
01:40 Me I would totally buy a bar if I had the money
01:41 Alex hahaha
01:41 Me You just got home?
01:41 Alex i am afraid i'll give out too much secret
01:41 Alex yea
01:42 Me  Why is that something to be afraid of?
01:42 Me Oh gosh I'm feeling a bit guilty for making you ride such a long way!
01:42 Me I got home about 40 mins ago
01:43 Alex well i am shy...so i dont' tell just everybody everything haha
01:43 Alex wow!
01:43 Me I don't either
01:43 Me But I told you everything anyway
01:43 Alex hahah it's cool
01:44 Alex now i am hungry again
01:44 Me Haha that's amazing
01:44 Me I have chocolate chips with me
01:45 Alex glad you liked it
01:45 Me I love it
01:45 Me I wanna savor it for a week
01:46 Alex btw, did I tell you that you have beautiful hands?
01:46 Me No you didn't
01:46 Me Thank you
01:46 Me You pay attention to details
01:46 Alex i was shy haha
01:47 Me What else did you pay attention to?
01:47 Alex haha your smile took away most of my attention already
01:47 Me Well...now I'm smiling and blushing at my phone again
01:48 Alex ^^
01:48 Me I just thought of another weird fact about you
01:48 Alex what
01:49 Alex [for the first time in my life that someone calls me shallow] lol
01:49 Me Although an introvert, you like speaking in public
01:49 Me Hahaha maybe I'm too deep
01:49 Alex you want to speak on TEDtalk!
01:50 Me So that makes you as weird as I am!
01:50 Alex we weirdos!
01:50 Me Hahaha
01:51 Me Yeah that's a good one
01:51 Alex hahah
01:52 Alex so will i see you next week?
01:52 Me I'd love that
01:52 Me Which day?
01:53 Alex you are only free after saturday afternoon right?
01:53 Me Yup
01:53 Me Or Thursday evening
01:53 Alex you are going wine tasting
01:54 Me Or every afternoon and morning on a weekday
01:54 Alex oh yea!
01:54 Me Oh that's right! Even I forgot about it
01:54 Me Thanks for reminding me of my own event!
01:54 Me Haha
01:55 Alex hahaha
01:55 Alex i am mostly free in the afternoons too
01:56 Me I can meet on a weekday afternoon except Tuesday and Thursday
01:57 Alex we could go see Hobbit
01:57 Me Oh that's right!
01:57 Me Lets do that
01:58 Alex Do you have a Citi Card?
01:59 Alex Monday afteroon or wednesday afternoon then?
01:59 Me I don't have any  credit card
02:00 Me Cuz I don't have a job
02:00 Alex that's right!
02:00 Me Is the hobbit out on Monday?
02:01 Alex oh...it's on Tuesday!
02:01 Alex hahah
02:01 Me I start work at 5:30p on Wednesday
02:01 Me If the movie is three hours long
02:01 Me I might be late for work
02:02 Alex wait
02:02 Alex it's on tonight!
02:02 Alex 161 mins
02:02 Me Oh great
02:02 Me Holy shit
02:02 Me That's long
02:02 Me I start work at 6:30 on Monday
02:04 Alex i have a meeting at 1900 too
02:04 Me Do you think Monday afternoon could work?
02:06 Alex yea or we'll have to wait until friday or saturday?
02:06 Me Saturday works too
02:06 Me Maybe Saturday is the best
02:07 Me We can hang out late
02:07 Alex hmmm
02:08 Me I can see you model on Tuesday before I go to work
02:08 Alex hahah
02:08 Alex no way!
02:08 Me Why not?
02:08 Me ARE YOU SHY NOW?
02:08 Alex ALWAYS!
02:09 Me So you would rather model to strangers?
02:09 Alex hmmmm good q
02:10 Alex i could pretend they dont' exist
02:10 Me I would rather teach to strangers than people I know well haha
02:11 Alex hmmm
02:11 Me You could pretend I don't exist!
02:11 Alex so where do you usually see movies?
02:11 Me Vieshow or Ambassador
02:11 Alex 我怕妳想要塞小費
02:12 Me 那你就讓我塞吧
02:13 Alex 我不是那麼隨便的~
02:13 Me 我還怕我害臊到不敢看
02:14 Alex 妳自己不看的噢 XD
02:15 Me I will take a look
02:15 Me But I probably won't be able to stare at you
02:15 Alex 看了就要負責
02:15 Me 負什麼責？？
02:16 Alex 到時候害我嫁不出去怎麼辦?!
02:16 Me Huh?
02:16 Me I'm totally lost now
02:16 Me I won't touch you
02:16 Alex haha just kidding
02:16 Me Lol
02:16 Alex oh....that's a bit disappointing
02:17 Me You want me to touch you?!
02:17 Alex 框框到底啥意思
02:17 Me Oh jee you can't see my emoji
02:17 Alex 既期待又怕受傷害
02:18 Me It's an iPhone language
02:18 Alex no...why?
02:18 Me It was a blushing smiley. It's a blushing smiley without a smile
[Then he gave me a kiss smiley]
02:19 Alex oh okay haha
02:19 Alex okay, this is really getting wild
02:20 Me I'm not the one getting wild!
02:20 Alex cuz you've been wild already!
02:20 Me HOW???
02:20 Alex Hmmm
02:21 JC Kao Hm?
02:21 Alex i dont' know, your stories
02:22 JC Kao Well my life is a crazy novel
02:22 Alex kinda surpurised me
02:22 JC Kao I didn't write it. It just happened!
02:23 JC Kao Well I only speak the truth about myself because I think life is too short to be wasted on talking irrelevant nonsense
02:23 Alex i love that
02:23 Me Thank you
02:23 Alex time is limited
02:23 Me I'm motivational aren't I?
02:24 Alex deadly inspiring
02:25 Alex alright, really need to sleep
02:25 Alex can't sleeeeeeeep innnnnnnnnnnnn
02:25 Me Me too
02:25 Me Why not?
02:25 Me Do you have to model in the morning too?
02:26 Alex haha, no, but i need to finish something before i go
02:26 Me You really have to model tomorrow!?!?
02:26 Alex not tomorrow
02:27 Me Lets sleep
02:27 Alex you sleep tight, thanks for the fantastic night :)
02:27 Me I'm feeling dumb now
02:27 Me Thank you
02:27 Alex ?
02:28 Me My brain is no longer active now
02:28 Me Cuz it's too late
02:28 Alex haha night!
02:28 Alex ditto
02:28 Me And I laughed too much tonight
02:28 Me Sweet dreams!

This totally got to me: your smile took away most of my attention already.

Project Serotonin

I've been feeling so angry at Ken lately. Sometimes I sat on the floor, stared up to my Christmas tree and cried because of Ken.

This morning I woke up to a nightmare with Ken in it. I saw myself going to his neighborhood to find him, even though I had no clue where he lives. We did run into each other by accident. He got much fatter than before. He held me up and comforted me. He asked, "I'm serious about you. Will you be my girlfriend?" I felt so touched and cried, but I hesitated and asked, "what do you mean by being your girlfriend? I'm looking for marriage and a family. You have to call me every day and see me several times per week. You can never disappear on me again." He said, "yes, I understand the kind of commitment you're looking for." Then I felt so happy and said yes. He kept holding me in the air.

But why do I call it a nightmare? Because I felt doubt in my heart in that dream. I cried, and I couldn't wake up from that dream. I had to struggle to wake up.

Ken, please stop causing me pain. There's a part of me that's so diluted and hoping that the Season 8 "The Final Page 1 & 2" of How I Met Your Mother will actually happen this Christmas. Barney ran into Ted's wife who set him straight, but has Ken been through a wake-up call and checked with the reality, his life, the true inner voice from the bottom of his heart?

I guess it's just so difficult for me to make Ken a bad person in my mind. It's hard for me to believe anyone is truly bad because 1) I'm conditioned to do that with my parents; despite all the abusive things they did to me, I had no choice but to believe they love me, although I know that's not unconditional love, or just love and 2) it makes the world a less miserable place to live in.

Alex called me via an iPhone app while I was at the gym yesterday afternoon. I felt extremely surprised but I didn't answer because the signal was poor. I texted him back instead. He said it was an accidental push of the button, but that also meant he was checking our conversation and he did want to do something with the vocal features in the app.

But anyway, he asked me out on Thursday evening for food. I said yes. I'm aware of his tricky girlfriend situation but I want to spend more time with him face to face so I can see if he's the one I want. If I really like him, I will tell him after the dinner that I'm starting to like him and I don't feel comfortable about his girlfriend situation, and ask for his opinion. At least he's not married and I've known a lot of great love stories that begin like this. I will just keep my boundaries firm this time.

And today, he already talked about going to see the Hobbit next week. If these aren't dates what are they?

I'm engaging in Project Serotonin at the moment. I just renewed my gym membership and I'm hitting the gym 4 or 5 times per week. I need to boost the level of serotonin in my body without any chemicals to maintain my confidence level and everything else for my health from a holistic perspective. It's a big ass project.

I fucking hate you.

Ken, I fucking hate you.

Today I heard from my cousin that one of my cousins said Ken used to have the hots for her. My anger welled up. I wish Ken would just show up in front of me and I would slap him so hard in his face. I also learned that my another cousin talked to Ken lately and he seemed to have taken the job offer in the City of Rain and he acknowledged that he hasn't called me yet.

I believe Ken and I will run into each other again if we're both still living in this city. When I see him again, I will slap him in the face. I hate him so much, to my bones. I've been hurt by so many men and I have never felt this angry with anyone of them except for Ken. I trusted him so much. He treated me so nicely. What was he up to with all those grand romantic gestures with me?

Why?

For the past few days I've been emailing and texting back and forth with Alex.

On 12/01/13 2:16 AM, I wrote:

Hey I feel happy to hear from you! But I also feel shocked that you found my LinkedIn! How did you do it???

On 12/01/13 8:07 AM, Alex wrote:
haha feeling creepy?! 
The mocking jay told me~~

On 12/01/13 2:16 AM, I wrote:

Hey I feel happy to hear from you! But I also feel shocked that you found my LinkedIn! How did you do it???

On 12/02/2012 I wrote:

Who/what is the mockingjay? I'm not creeped out at all because I once had another female stalker who flew to Houston from Pittsburgh to find me. Although unsuccessful, she did manage to find my Facebook a few years later. Now I'm no longer using Facebook, and she found me on whatsapp again.

So no, you're not creepy at all. Haha. Btw that's a nice picture you have there. I used to have a good looking picture on my LinkedIn but I had to take it off because of my publicity now. ;-)

On 12/02/13 7:02 AM, Alex Jan wrote:
--------------------
Mockingjay is a kind of bird in the novel of Hunger Game, it's an interesting story. 
Haha, how did she find your what's app?! Wow and you don't use facebook, why's that?
Thanks for the compliment altho I thought I could have used something more interesting, like a picture of me laughing out loud.
I figured that you are a celebrity when you talked. I wonder what nickname you use for teaching...is it two words? :P

So, when can you teach me something about speaking? XD

On 12/02/13 I wrote:

It feels so funny reading your message after just finishing 4 exhausting hours of work. So I'm guess your mockingjay is the internet? You googled my student ID number or my name didn't you? ;-)

I'm definitely not a celebrity, nowhere close. I've taught about 800 students in the past 7 months, that's it. I've been getting stalkers since elementary school because I am an introvert. As I refrained from engaging in social activities with other kids, people just got more and more curious about me. Things would probably have been better if I were a dumb introvert. Btw I saw the Ted Talk by Susan Cain. Two thumbs up!

The girl who stalked me on whatsapp was someone I went to classes with in primary school. We were friends but she overly idolized me. We never talked after the 6th grade. Thanks to the internet she somehow tracked me down. She found my whatsapp through my younger brother.

I shut down my Facebook about two years ago because, again, I had stalkers at grad school who were linking my pictures to people who weren't my Facebook friends. Apparently my stalkers were some girls who were older than me and yet couldn't find something else better to do with their life.

I do have a two-word pseudonym for teaching but I am never going to tell you what it is, at least for now. I'd feel so embarrassed if you really one day showed up in my class or in one of the free seminars we throw. I can teach you speaking one-on-one though, and I'd take a decent dinner as my remuneration. :-p

On 12/03/13 Alex wrote:

Hey do you have gmail or something else? I think Linkdin messages are very hard to use hahah 

So you work at night right? 
I wanted google your student ID but my memory isn't that good haha

800!!! and it's still increasing!!! I felt you are pretty down to earth tho, are you not? Or a down to earth celebrity? XD
Yea Susan's cool and she was once a toastmasters too haha! You should read her book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" too then. 
You were really this shy? Hard to imagine! So what happened later on?

So you mean you have a lot female fans? 

Now I am really curious about your pseudonym! But I promise that I will cover myself up so you wouldn't know know that I am there. :P

1 on 1 class yea I think I really do need it, what kind of food are you into then hahah

On 12/03/13 I wrote:

Aww thank you for the compliment. I'm feeling so flattered, again, after four exhausting hours battling with those rat bastards. I'm not sure if I am down to earth. I don't think it's possible for an introvert to be down to earth. For example, back in kindergarten I couldn't stand the idea of spending the whole day at school with strangers and cried desperately every morning for the entire first month. I'm sure my classmates and teachers and even my mom wouldn't call me down to earth.

As I grew older in this world that favors outspoken people, I have learned to socialize. I'm able to network, party, talk to strangers, talk on stage, but deep down I'm still the insecure shy girl back in kindergarten. To tell you the truth, sometimes I still feel so much anxiety before I give a lecture to 200 ppl that I'd cry for a while before the lecture. Besides, you probably have noticed that at the Red Room I enjoyed hiding in the back corner rather than being in the center of the crowd.

So you still haven't told me how you found my LinkedIn? I'm sure you didn't get it from Andrew because he doesn't even know my full name and doesn't have my email. Did you do a background check on me through my classmates??!!

I like all kinds of food. ;-) Do you use whatsapp?

- Sent from my iPhone -

On 12/04/13 Alex wrote:

Hello there!

Your story reminded me of one of the talks that Tal Ben-Shahar from Harvard gave. I don't remember the exact thing, but he talked how introvert needs some "break" when they do something extroverted, like giving a speech publicly or go to a social gathering. Then same with extroverts, if you lock them up by themselves, they'll probably go crazy haha...

For myself, I enjoy speaking on stage and making friends,  but I do need to spend time alone, talking to myself sometimes, or maybe just like really intimate relationship, talking to a close friend or so. 

Yea i got what's app. Do you also use LINE? it's faster to type with keyboard haha

My favorite places recently are Eslite, gym and Stage(Toastmasters), then movie theater&stage drama and outdoors(a bit cold now)

So you work every night?

cheers,

Alex 

On 12/05/13 I wrote:

I feel surprised that all your favorite places are also my favorite places too, except that my stage would be the stage at the test prep school I'm working at. Like you, I need alone time after socializing. For example, since last night's lecture I haven't literally spoken to anyone except for myself. Btw something really strange happened to me when I was on stage; my mind spaced out for a few seconds a few times. I tried really hard to read some lines in my own handout to my students and my eyes simply couldn't deliver the words to my brain. And I stuttered like 5 times!!!!!! Ohhhh and the worst of all, I spelled "consumers" as "comsumers" on the board, and it took me like 30 seconds to see that mistake and corrected it to my students. I still feel so embarrassed thinking about it. :'(

What was the last movie you saw at a movie theater? Guess what mine was?

I work every night on week days. On Thursdays I only work two hours and finish at 6:30p.

Sent from my iPad

Later he texted me in the evening. He was saying how cute my nephew was in my profile picture and the conversation started there. Eventually we talked about what kind of girls/boys we are into and then I asked if he has a girlfriend. Yes, he does. He didn't specify but it's probably a long distance relationship that's complicated. He joked and told me not to fall in love with him and that he'd introduce me some nice guys. I said, "Sure. Thanks" and dropped the conversation there.

After I got home I cried. Then I began to type this entry while playing the Rise of the Guardian on my TV. I feel so lonely. I really don't want to spend another day alone. Why does every guy I have attraction with is unavailable?

I cried. This is a year of loss. I lost the City of Gold. I lost Baby. I lost every man that I cared about. I lost my friends. I stopped talking to Ian because he told me every time when I messaged him he felt irritated. I decided to block him and remove him from Skype. The last time that finally made me pull the trigger was when I told him I angry I was when I saw JJ covering Jason Mraz's Lucky. That video got almost 4,000 views on YouTube. I came across that video by accident. Alex added me on Google +. I logged onto my G+ but decided not to add him because I didn't feel like sharing my videos of Baby and pictures with him yet. Then Google put JJ the first one on my friends list so I clicked his profile. The latest entry was posted in April this year, which was this cover video. 

I cried as soon as I saw JJ sing in the video. Lucky is my wedding song. For the past year I've been dreaming about singing this song with my husband at our wedding. And I feel so much pain watching that video. I don't have feelings for JJ but somehow I just wish I were in that video; I wished it was our song.

I'm having these conversations in my head tonight:

With Baby: I miss you every single day. I am so sorry. I really want to hold you and kiss you one more time. I want to be with you. Where are you? Are you well? I wish I could change something to save you. I am so sorry. My tears are all over my face and chest as I'm writing you this. You are my baby. You made me believe in the goodness in people again because you are a baby.

With Ken: Did I really never mean anything to you? Are you in China now? How are you? I am so angry at you. I've never hit anyone since 10. But I want to slap you in the face.

With JJ: Am I not good enough for you? My feelings for you were real but three years ago I was even more terrified of the truth that I couldn't tell you that. You were the first and only man I kissed in 2010 after my breakup with Ivan. Those kisses, including the public one on the intersection right next to my apartment, made me want to fall in love again.

With Mark: You are the only mature man I've dated so far. I really believed we had a chance. I wish fate could give us the opportunity or more time to fall in love. I wish you could choose me over your job. I wish someone or something in your life can tell you how important love is and you could come back to find me. 

With PB: At the hot spring, you told me you were so attracted to me. I asked you what you were attracted to. You told me you were attracted to me being me. It was the most powerful thing I had ever heard. No one else is able to love me after knowing where I came from, what I've been through, and what I want. Everyone sees me as a burden, a baggage, and just wants to stay away from me. Although you left too, but you told me the truth. You made me believe what I have us very beautiful and I deserve a better man. I missed the time when you hugged me in front of hundreds of people in the market when I had a sad face. I missed the last time I saw you before I got on the bus. You gave me a. very long hug. It felt like you truly cared about me. But now you're completely gone. You've blocked me on Skype. It hurts.

With Eric: I hope you'll really come visit me as soon as you can. I hope we can fall in love and I will go wherever you go. But right now, I wish you could care about me more. We haven't had any contact for over a month. Wouldn't you like to know how I'm doing? Are you seeing someone over there?

With Ivan: Are you a dad now? Do you remember me? You gave me so much power when we were together and I thought nothing could break us. I thought one year of long distance was no big deal. I thought you would fight to be with me. It's been four years and I am still single. My heart hurts, physically hurts whenever I recall your hugs, your comfort when I cried. I have never been hugged and comforted by a man when I cry since you. I have to hug myself but it doesn't feel as safe. When you were there, I believed everything was possible. I wasn't afraid at all. That's all I'm looking for. I want a man to hold me and be with me whenever I cry.

With Caesar: Whenever I cry, I think of you. Then I hate you. You barely check on me these days. You don't reply to my messages either. I often imagine you holding me, protecting me whenever I cry. But the truth is, my blog tracker tells me your IP is in your hometown, which means you're not working in the City of Gloom. I don't know what to trust anymore.

With Jes: How come you never follow up on my voice mail? Are you getting married now? I guess our 30-year-old deal is off?

With Ian: You're easily my best friend. I was 99% platonic with you. But I can't stand it that you keep popping out my dreams and faith. When you said what I demanded of a friend was something that people demand from their boyfriend, it hurts. I've lost too many friends who thought I was difficult to be friends with, because I'm emotionally needy. I've also told you that I typically drift away from my best friend after a year or two because I couldn't stand being abandoned by them so I did the breakup first. At one point you made me believe that someone is actually able to be close to me for such a long time even after I've told you everything about myself. But even you have been driven away by me. My world is empty, lonely, and dark.

Where Life Takes You

Where life takes you when you're not really driving is an incredible journey. Incredible as in unbelievable, unimaginable, or beyond anyone's belief that it makes your eyes wide open and drop your jaws.

Somehow right now I'm at this place called the Red Room. There are many things that led me here. For starters, I have finally come to an agreement with my tutees so I no longer need to work on Sundays; from now on I will have 1.5 days off every week and this is almost like a dream come true to me, given my current pay and a total of less than 30 work hours every week.

As I am completely free after Saturday 1pm, I agreed with my aunt J that I'd check out this Red Room with her. It's a talent show venue for expats in the City of Rain. On my way here, I felt a bit reluctant again because I thought I'd be hanging out with old snobbish people and I wouldn't meet any cool men who would like to settle down with me.

But then I changed my thought. I said to myself, "perhaps it's better that way because in all the romantic stories, love happens when you least expect it", although I still had that agenda in mind.

As I entered this room, I immediately let go. I followed my feelings which at first were thirst and then hunger. I looked for something to drink and eat. My feelings led to one conversation to another with strangers. Eventually, as I walked past the entrance, I saw a guy who looked really familiar to me. I stared at him for a few seconds and the he looked up and called my name. I paused for a few more seconds because I couldn't remember his name.  Then it finally came to me. I called out his name.

I felt both surprised and angry at the same time. He came with a guy friend to see their friends' performance. I was actually interested in his friend but apparently if he wasn't interested in a second date with me he wouldn't say good words for me in front of his friend.

----Written in the Present Moment

So last night I wasn't able to finish that draft on my phone because typing on my slow iPhone hurt my eyes and I decided to move to the back corner and relax. First one of the guys I talked to came to talk to me and asked for my number. After the restroom, I stood by the wall in the kitchen alone, silently watching the show. Then Alex came to talk to me. He was the friend of my blind date, Andrew. He asked me how I met Andrew and I smiled in embarrassment and said, "well, it's a....." He said, "a long story?" I said, "no. In fact it's a short story. We met online and he asked me out, and then he never called me again. Oh wait, actually he did call me once by accident. He meant to call someone else on his phone and dialed my number by mistake." Alex laughed and said, "that was awkward." I said, "yes, it was." Then I asked him how he met Andrew. He told me he met Andrew in a toastmasters club.

The conversation took off there. He first told me that he was a fitness trainer and I totally bought it. He's in fact a finance guy in investors' relations for a company. I said, "oh so you're a finance guy." He said, "well not exactly. You know it's investors' relations." I said, "yeah I know. Investors relations is like half finance and half PR." He said, "you're right. You're so smart!" I told him that I was actually in project finance when I was in the City of Gold and that's why I know some stuff in finance.

At one point, I asked him, "did you know that people who are really good performers are in fact introverted?" He said, "yes! It's true. There's a book on this called The Introverts by Susan Cain." I had never heard that book before and he told me there's a Ted Talk by her which I'm watching right now. I said, "I'm the same. I'm a completely different person when I'm on stage." He said, "when I was little I was introverted too." I told him the reason why I mentioned that was that I found the guy who was performing on stage introverted because he was walking alone in the back of the room talking to no one and yet he was such a powerful person on stage.

Later we found out we went to the same undergrad, although he was in the business school and I was in social sciences. He wondered how come we never met before and I told him I spent all my time either in the library or at the gym. He said he went to the gym a lot. I said maybe because I was an introvert.

The conversation went really well until Andrew joined us and then my aunt. We parted outside but unfortunately he didn't ask for my number. I just felt so happy talking to him because he seemed to be a really kind person but witty and humorous like myself. However, I couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't want to ever see me again. For me, if he didn't ask for my number, there would be no way that he'd see me again, and I also felt the whole night and our conversation were wasted.

But guess what, later this afternoon, he added me on LinkedIn. I had no idea how he found it Even though he knew my real name, he should be able to find my profile because I have a transliterated name on my LinkedIn. I felt glad, instead of creepy, that he found me. It was a better way to ask for my number than going through Andrew.

Isn't serendipity the most mysterious thing in the universe?