When will my dream come true?

A wonderful date I had a little over a week ago just wrote me this email. He and I met for the first time on a Sunday afternoon and we had a pot of tea for 6 hours because we could talk about so many things and felt chemistry for each other. On Monday night we met again after my work and chat for a while. We still felt a lot of chemistry but it seems like my virginity is becoming a problem for him and now I just got this message from him:

"got your message, and your request to feel stupid. I would have thought that beating you in all the arguments we've had would have been enough to accomplish that!!

However, more seriously, I have also had some thoughts about the best thing at this point, and my conclusion is that it would probably be better for you to date other guys and not to see me, at least for a while. As I said in my conversations with you: You obviously have some very strong emotions and some very specific emotional boundaries connected with sex. I got the feeling that clinging onto them as tightly as you seem to do might make it difficult for you to move forward with relationships. If I'm wrong about this, and there are enough guys out there who are compatible with you in this area, then all the best and I hope it works out with one of them. I on the other hand am as specific in my boundaries as you are with yours, so if neither of us changes then we can't move forward. And if you decide that I was right and you can't find anyone who shares you position on this, and instead decide to try and relax your boundaries a little bit, even if in the long term it helps you to explore, get experiences, or develop in relationships that then leads to what you want, I suspect that doing this might lead to some emotional pain for you along the way. In other words, even if it ends up being beneficial for you, my concern is that you might feel angry or upset if it takes you a while to find what you want, or to find someone who's on the right emotional page for you, or to even get on the right emotional page with the same person over the period of a developing relationship. As I said, I don't have that much experience with relationships, so I could be wrong, but I am pretty emotionally intelligent as well as intellectually capable, and it seems risky for both of us if I was both the person who convinced you try and loosen your convictions a bit, and the person you experienced the pain of doing so with in a developing relationship. If you associated that pain with my urging you to do something that you might see as a compromise, you might resent me having urged you in the first place, even if you're not aware of it or don't mean to.

I hope that makes some sense to you, and wish you all the best."

Here's my reply to him and I'm going to record this message vocally:

"Hi Greg, thank you for being straight-forward about where we are going. This is definitely much better than most of my guy friends who obviously want to keep me around yet unable to commit to me. Nevertheless, I feel so much pain, although I sort of expected it after our first date. The last time I had an in-depth conversation filled with intelligence, chemistry, and emotions was in the fall of 2011. We had a 3-month long hookup thing and one night I felt like I was ready to do it with him. But I paused for a second and asked him if I was his girlfriend. He hesitated for a while and never gave me an answer. I wish he could just lie to me so we could do it and I could become a slut who can fuck like a man without any emotions. He was also the guy who triggered my nervous breakdown in the following winter after breaking up with me.

Most men stopped dating me because of the commitment I want and the fact that I'm a virgin. Each time when it happens it feels like an insult to who I am and what I believe in. I'm living in a very lonely world where I have made my dreams come true entirely at my own virtue, dreams that I had never seen before or anyone else around me had ever seen, and I've also been to hell that neither I nor anyone else around me could ever imagine. I haven't had a chance to tell you the stories. In my lonely world, nobody thinks about the things I think about, nobody feels the joy or pain I feel, and nobody believes what I believe in. Dating has become a huge burden on me because when something like this happens, I believe less and less. More often than before, I start to wonder if there's really something wrong in me. Reading your message makes me doubt myself again and makes me want to beat myself up.

I will be sad for a while but I will forget about you after grieving."

New Birth

My cousin Love just gave birth to a baby girl last weekend. I feel happy for her and her husband but at the same time I feel very sad for myself. I am so far away from what they have. In fact I don't even know where I'm going. There are no dates in my life at the moment who would like to see me again, even though I go on two different dates almost every week. Is there something wrong with me? I know I shouldn't be doubting myself but I can't help it.

What was dramatic was that Ken went to visit Love at the hospital and I happened to be there too. He went to visit her with the cute girl he dated a few times before and got me so jealous in the City of Gold and made me tell him honestly about my feelings for him. I couldn't believe my eyes that they showed up together at the hospital to visit my cousin. The girl is dating some other guy but I still felt extremely sad, heavy, angry, jealous, and pain. I don't like Ken anymore. He's caused me too much pain.

This afternoon I went to see Before Midnight with Mark. I paid for the movie this time because I asked him out and he sprained his ankle very badly a while ago. I cried my eyes out during the movie while everyone was laughing about Jesse and Celine's fight all the time. The movie brought up so many feelings from the very beginning to the end. I can't believe they didn't get married and have a wedding. The unconditional love Jesse gives to her is so powerful. I want to have that in my life.

Another big move in my life is that I'm moving to my own place next week. Last Sunday I had a wonderful date and after I got home my mom was bitching me about my dress and made me feel like a slut. I got so angry and checked in at a hotel in the middle of the night. The next day I found an apartment in a high rise building and I can finally have my own place and decorate it the way I want to.

The future still feels so scary. I feel so secure and warm every time when I hang out with Mark. Why does he have to go? I really just want to be with one man in my life. Going on dates just makes me sad no matter what. When a date goes really well but then he doesn't call again I just feel so sad; if the date doesn't go well I still feel sad for days too. Mark was the only guy who continued to ask me out and made me feel secure and yet the universe has to take him away from me. I FEEL SO ANGRY.

Loss, Rain, Solitude

It was pouring in the afternoon again. I loved it. I feel almost excited when it rains, especially when it pours. I definitely feel soothed by the sound of water, but today I feel painfully lonely in the rain.

I thought of Mark who took me out for an afternoon tea on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I thought of my dog Baby. We could have been cuddling in bed when it rained, which was what we used to do. Is there anyone out there who feels the same way as I do whenever it rains?

Whenever it rains, it feels like the universe is crying for me. My grief and sadness are beyond the amount of tears I can release so the sky does it for me. It screams for me in thunders. Then I have this sense that finally someone in the world feels me, the universe. That's how the rain feels embracing and warm.

Why am I so alone? I miss so many people at the moment. On top of them, I really miss Baby.