Red Roses.

I bought myself a bunch of red roses today from a street vendor and they cost only five bucks. Then I recalled the last time I received red roses was on the Valentine's Day 2 years ago when Ivan got me a dozen roses that made me cry immediately.

I like flowers, and I do love roses. They make me happy, even if I buy them myself. I don't need a bunch of roses from someone who doesn't care; if I can achieve the happiness coming from the roses this easily why wouldn't I just buy myself flowers every week? Every day can feel like a blossoming Valentine's Day.

Not so bad.

Or it's only because it can't be worse.

I thought I decided not to see Cato anymore but apparently we hooked up over and over again. Things are really sweet for most of the time, but for other times I still feel really scared and lonely. Like tonight he went out to party without me and didn't spend the night with me; it made me feel a little disappointed and recall all the bad memories. Then I tried to focus on work again and listened to Pandora so it got better. I almost cried at some point but still couldn't squeeze out the tears.

Cato didn't go the Halloween party with me. I just went with my buddies instead. Partying seems so lame when everyone else is making out with someone except for you. I love PDA. I think kissing in public is a magical moment when everything in the outside world does not matter at all; the universe is drawn to only the two people, to that momentum, to that kiss. This morning when Cato was leaving my apartment he kissed me on the porch outside of my building; that was the most public display of affection he's ever done so far and that made me high for half of the day.

I talked to Greg for a couple of hours yesterday. At the beginning we were just talking about career and stuff because I'm interested in some businesses at his company. Then we were just catching up on the most complicated issue in life. He doesn't see a future with his current girlfriend and they have broken up for like 100 times but somehow they're still together for the sex; I believe there is love too but he's not falling freely either. I told him about Cato and that I am different person now. I mean, yes, I do hope Cato could initiate more and I am insecure but on the other hand, my expectation is really low and I think about him way less than I used to when dating Ivan; I am not as emotional as before either. I think the relationship with Ivan has taken all my energy and feelings and now I don't have much left in me to give. I do care about Cato; I try to please him and be there for him but if he doesn't call or text me for a day I am still pretty fine. I also have backup options so if he hurts me I will be able to move away my attention quickly. I am also very tolerable to differences now and considerate (if not more than before); this is because I still trust him a lot. I just believe he's a special man and he needs some time to figure this out as he's only 22; after all it's been only 2.5 weeks since we first hooked up.

One funny thing is I can actually sleep with him in a twin bed. When I was dating Ivan I had a full size bed and I couldn't stand sleeping with him; now I only have a twin size bed and I actually enjoy sleeping with Cato in this small twin bed. I guess it's because he'd hold me tight all night and that feels so safe.

The first snow has hit the City of Power today, which is 1.5 months earlier than usual. The climate change is real and I hope my career in renewable energy and finance will soon contribute something to the planet.

How many times can I break till I shatter? Over the line can't define what I'm after; I always turn the car around.

No woman no cry.

I've been listening to this song by Bob Marley live. No woman no cry.

I do need a good cry, a loud cry that exhausts me and makes me fall asleep. Last night I hooked up with Cato again, hoping he'd ask me the question I've been craving for: Would you like to be my girlfriend?

Obviously the question was never asked, and I still made out with him. Honestly since nobody is going to love my soul I'd rather have a few moments when I can lie to myself that some man actually cares about me and making out is the only way I can feel cared for. So yes, I let Cato stay over at my place again and in the morning the parting process always has prolonged, procrastinated kisses, which makes me feel loved and treasured, even though afterwards I have to convince myself again that nobody really gives a shit.

But somehow I don't feel that sad. I think I've given up the value of my body and myself. In other words, I am just a valueless person. All the education, bilingualism, success, physical fitness are all useless. They do not add any value to me; I simply cannot be valued by any man at all. If my value was an objective existence, why would no one be able see that?

I talked to Ken briefly today and I kind of miss him. Our relationship was platonic but I felt cared for. I enjoyed rides back and forth to work with him; I enjoyed going furniture shopping with him all night. Nevertheless, he is not going to love me either. Cato said he cares about me but it's not love. Ivan said the same thing, i.e. that he cared about me but continuously hurt me.

What is love really? All the nice guys I've been with have turned into jerks, so nice guys can't love. Or maybe they can, but just not me. Then it's all coming back to me again. What is my problem then? I think I am loving and sensitive; I try to take good care of the man, flatter him, appreciate him, admire him, sacrifice for him, and change for him. But no man is capable of doing any of these for me. What have I done wrong? I wish I could have the answer so badly so I can be with someone again and make things right.

At the moment I feel polyamorous. I am still looking for someone whom I can date other than Cato. This is the only way that makes me feel less depressed.

Shame on me.

Yes, shame on me. I screwed up again. I now see how all the bad drama when I first dated Ivan is repeating itself.

When I first dated Ivan we just hooked up and then I realized he kept flirting with other girls. There was one time I was hanging out in his room and this other female friend of his dropped by drunk in her mini-skirt and lay down in his bed flashing her panties completely. There was also another female married friend of his who called him multiple times every day just to chat and even delivered their hometown food to him frequently. Lastly there was another bitch from his hometown who never stopped sending him flirty emails/texts and long-distance phone calls; Ivan told me the bitch flirted with everybody and he never replied to her messages but eventually after our breakup Ivan began a new relationship with her immediately.

When these things first took place I tried really hard not to care but eventually it just hurt too much and I burst into tears once in front of him. He comforted me and told me he cared about me and all that bullshit but never gave me a confirmation of officially being with me. I trusted him and continued our relationship with me being unilaterally exclusive to him but he never stopped flirting with those girls so I proposed our first breakup a couple of weeks later, even though we had never been officially together back then.

This is happening again with me and Cato. Last night I saw him flirt with some girls physically and got really depressed so I went out to for a cigarette with some nice guy I just met even though I was still suffering from my sore throat. Later he took me to dinner and went back to my place and made out and all that stuff. During the dinner we talked about the serious issue, i.e. whether he was serious with me or not. He said he didn't know, but he does care about me and want to be by my side. This whole bullshit simply reminded me of how Ivan treated me; he just wanted the sex and maybe the victory of winning someone's virginity because they lost their first time to someone who was not a virgin. However, at the moment I did not over-analyze it and still thought it was sweet of him to say that to me so I continued to feel romantic. After the dinner we walked back to my place and he held my hand. I asked him why because during the dinner he told me he didn't like PDA but he still took the initiative after dinner. He said he'd try to change and I told him he didn't have to change anything for me.

Today I hung out with Tanner and he told me I was played. I believe Tanner was right because this morning Cato did not allow me to make him breakfast, which meant he does not want me to devote more than he does. Unfortunately I already bought some vegetarian stuff for him. Also he and I barely talked over the past week, and haven't talked or texted each other at all since he left my apartment today. I thought he was too busy with work to talk to me last week (because I was )but then I realized he actually went to quite a few parties. Last night we slept in spoon the whole time but I felt distant already; I wanted to cry so much yet I just couldn't squeeze out any tear. I think this is the end.

Tanner said I shouldn't take that flirting thing too seriously because he also knows the girl very well and he does the same thing to the girl as well, although I still need to be cautious with the reality. However, I will always be jealous and hurt if I see someone I care about does that to some other girl; I cannot change how I feel. I have already lowered a lot of my expectations on a guy but how I feel will always be the same.

If this is the end then I lose a friend. I lose Cato as a friend, just like how I lost JJ as a friend, and yes, everyone else I hooked up with. I turned Cato into a jerk like how I turned every other nice guy into a jerk. This is unbelievable. I think this is fate, or genetic, or whatever; I am doomed never to be loved. It took me 13 months since JJ to finally develop something romantic and physical with a guy and I fucked it up again. It seems like I am destined to be a nun.

Our trip to the City of Money, our three-hour nonstop philosophical conversation on the train, our lengthy conversation on what love is on our way to the night club, our first conversation about how I was born and how his family is like, which I can't say here, his first asexual sleepover at my place and making me breakfast the next morning, our first kiss, and everything else, poof! All gone. All because of me. It's all my fault again. I have given up on believing, and what I need most right now is a big good cry. I probably have to catch up with my therapist and see if she could make me cry, if I can't do it myself.

Feeling the Same Way

Last night Cato asked me a question: If I could say anything to my parents without worrying about the consequences what would I say?

I hesitated and never answered the question. But tonight I just have all the depressing thoughts going all over my head.

7 years ago, I was able to connect with someone without any physical intimacy. We exchanged diaries and talked about the most emotionally intimate things. Yes I was young and naive, but that made me feel so safe. I mean, really safe, rather than just numbness and absence of expectation. Last night, Cato and I almost did it, and I resisted eventually. In fact I actually thought for a while that I should have just got rid of my virginity like that, but I went back to my very original ideal that my first time has to be given to someone who truly loves me.

How did I go from a naive loving girl to a monster who almost gave her virginity to just a hookup? Me and Cato may be able to go farther down the road, but as of now it's still so early and we almost did it. For most people in the world that's entirely normal and common but it's simply not the case for me. I had those silly ideals for romance and maybe I still have a few of them left in me. However, it all makes me sad to realize how much I've changed over the past few years. So many ideals are gone and I have to keep lowering my expectation for love. Perhaps some day if some guy gives me $1 million I'd call that love as well.

I wish I wasn't born in this weird family. I wish I wasn't unwanted pregnancy. I wish I wasn't raised as a boy. I wish I was never an instrument for my mom to gain security from my dad against his first wife. I wish I wasn't born a bastard. I wish there was never domestic violence at my home. I wish I was born in a loving family where at least security was always present; I wish my fear did not come from my family but elsewhere. I wish I were the first child born to a normal married couple who were doing whatever they could to anticipate their first birth. I wish my parents had steady financial plan so I wasn't born rich and now extremely poor. These are my answers to Cato's question.

Relationships are still hard for me. I'm less needy than before because I have no expectations. Sometimes I even wonder if having no expectations is equivalent to having no hope. I often feel all the guys I've been with so far are only attracted to my appearance rather than who I am. Surely appearance and chemistry are important, but I do crave for someone who is able to be there for me and understand the way I think and why I think that way. It is so hard to find that someone. I feel so vulnerable yet fairly numb. What if all I need or all I can have is just a puppy after all?

The New Rainbow

Since we came back from the business trip to the City of Money, Cato and I have been close. We've been on a few dates; actually I thought we were just hanging out but he paid most of the time and I was told to be dated by my friends. Somehow I am quite oblivious on these things because I hang out with guys all the time and they often pay for me but I always reciprocate in the next round.

Eventually over the weekend, we hooked up. It was the first time I did something physically intimate with a guy over the past 13 months. I mean, my skills are there but it kind of felt like a first time. Anyway, we had fun and he was the first guy in my life who made me breakfast the next morning.

Interestingly, I am less insecure than before. There are still times I really want to hang out with him but I have been able to manage not to be so clingy; there are also times when I keep thinking where this is going but I am able to pay less attention to that than in my past relationships. Perhaps it is because I am a jaded person now, or it's because he's an extremely nice guy and I just trust him completely. I'm not as pushy as before and if it doesn't work out at the moment I don't think it'd hurt me that much, if not at all.

It's a good new chapter in my life after all. When we first kissed, I finally felt all the right hormones were restored in function in my body and I was able to give something away again.