Truly Madly Deeply

You know when I said I knew little about love; well that wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, seen centuries and centuries of it. That was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars, pain, lies, hate, made me want to turn away and never look down again. But to see the way mankind loves... I mean you can search the farthest reach of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional but I also know it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable, and strangely easy to mistake for loathing. What I'm trying to say Tristan is, I think I love you. My heart, it feels like, my chest can barely contain it, like it doesn't belong to me anymore; it belongs to you. And if you wanted it I'd wish for nothing in exchange. No gifts, no goods, no demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you love me too. It was your heart in exchange for mine.

--Stardust

Christmas in the City of Gold

I snapped this picture of the sunrise in the City of Gold right outside of my apartment one morning with just an iPhone. It was gorgeous and exhilarating; I think I burst into tears after watching the sun rise. Tonight, Christmas Eve, as I walked along the ocean, I saw these words engraved to the pavement "To sit together, drinking the blue ocean, eating the sun, like a fruit..." It was a poem by Genevieve Taggard.

It is the third Christmas in a row that I am alone. In 2010 I was alone in the City of Power and in 2011 I was by myself in the City of Money after having a nervous breakdown in the City of Power. This time I am alone in the City of Gold, but I don't feel as depressed as the previous two years. I took myself out tonight, hoping to get some good food; it turned out most restaurants were closed and the best I could get was an American burger with fries and soda. Then I went to the movies; I planned to see Moonrise Kingdom but somehow the theater was not playing it even though their website said so. Out of spontaneity I chose to see Hyde Park on Hudson. The movie is saying a lot more than it shows, like all politicians, but I disliked how Daisy was clinging to FDR with such a low self-esteem.

I also planned to go ice skating after the movie but when I arrived at the rink it was already closing. Interestingly, nothing turned out to be what I planned to be today but I didn't feel upset at all. I took a stroll along the ocean home, and that was how I came across the engraved poem. I watched the magnificent bridge, and the moon. For the first time in my life I noticed there was a halo around the moon. I am not sure if it's because I didn't pay enough attention before or the City of Rain doesn't have the right climate for a halo to show up.

After getting home, I watched Love Actually, and finally, cried like hell. There were too many feelings triggered by the movie, both positive and negative. Indeed, there have been several coincidences tonight. "Hyde Park" reminded me of the City of Gloom, where I visited 13 years ago. Love Actually was based in the City of Gloom, where Cole is from. At the end of the movie, it was playing the song "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys. A year ago Cato quoted this song when we had a debate on what love is, before we hooked up. He said "If you should ever leave me, well life would still go on believe me. The world could show nothing to me so what good would living do me? God only knows what I'd be without you."

I forgot to mention in my previous post that Cole is the first virgin I know besides myself. He's 30 years old, Catholic, which is why. Cato is also Catholic but he's not a virgin; in fact all the Catholics I know are not virgins except for Cole. I guess that's why I over-interpret those three kisses that night.

Anyway, I still hope to receive my Christmas present in the morning. Surprise me.

Kiss Freeze Over

I met Cole a couple of days ago through a mutual female friend Kat. He comes from a very well-off family and is highly intelligent, educated, and arrogant. He is in fact very much like Richard. We hung out with Kat on Wednesday night and I was quite irritated by this guy because a) he's so arrogant and self-absorbed, and b) he is not really a gentleman, not very comparable to Ken. Actually, I'm not so sure because Ken has been a jerk from time to time. Somehow Cole's flight got cancelled on Thursday so we hung out again on Friday night with Kat for dinner and drinks.

Apparently Kat was very into Cole and they were flirting a lot whereas I was just being myself. We went bar hopping and eventually landed up at a pricy bar in downtown where I've been a few times but never liked. A couple of old, married (which I didn't notice until some time later), boring men came to talk to me and I was stuck in the conversation. I got tired of the conversation so I introduced those two guys to Cole and Kat and moved myself to a corner against the wall. Cole started flirting with me and kissed me on my cheek. Then another guy next to us began to pick on Cole and we almost ended up with a fight. I was terrified and fortunately the bouncer kicked the guy out, but I didn't really recover from the fear until a few hours later.

Then Cole took us to another champagne bar with more civilization. He and Kat were still flirting and it seems like Kat's sister Jennie, whom I've known since 2006, also likes Cole. But Cole refuses to date her because she's older than Cole and she dated Cole's friend for a long time who was mentally deranged and sloppy. I wasn't paying too much attention to their conversation since I was still very caught up by what happened at the previous bar.

After champagne, Cole was trying to get us cabs. I went to the restroom and when I came back Kat was gone already. Suddenly Cole became much more gentleman than before. He opened the door for me and asked me how I was feeling. I said I was still feeling quite shocked of what happened because that was the most violent thing I ever came across in this country. He said it wasn't even close to violence and held my waist and hugged me. And then, he kissed me on the street. After the first kiss I asked, "what was that? I feel so surprised!" We looked into each other's eyes for a while and then he kissed me again. After the second kiss, he asked me, "how do you feel now?" I said, "now I just feel confused." He asked, "you feel a different kind of shocked huh?" I nodded. He said, "good." Again we looked into each other's eyes and I smiled and asked, "what?" And we kissed for the third time. After that he said, "you're just drunk." I denied, but I was quite tipsy last night.

After one year my kiss freeze is finally over. Before Cole, the last guy I kissed was Cato. I think Cole kissed me because we both knew we'll probably never see each other again as I am moving back to the City of Rain and he was flying back to the City of Gloom, where he's from.

Even though my kiss freeze was over, I wish it was ended by someone serious about me, someone like Ken. Perhaps under the mistletoe, on Christmas Eve. Ken is back to the City of Rain for the holidays and I will be alone in the City of Gold. Another Christmas in solitude.

I recently found a new hobby--ice skating in the downtown of City of Gold. Today I went there to skate for the third time in my life and I think I can ice skate now. I love the view of the highrises from the ice rink at night because all the buildings are decorated with lights. I also love the feel of wind and speed on the rink.

The Final Page

I cried like crazy while watching tonight's How I Met Your Mother. Because tonight, after so much effort for job hunt, including volunteering and working nonstop over the weekend for free, I have decided to leave the City of Gold and return to the City of Rain by the end of January.

I am writing from the City of Water Mountain at the moment and will go back to the City of Gold tomorrow morning. Then I will travel every corner in the City of Gold before I go home. This country has killed me too many times and all the messages are telling me to go home.

Surprise me, Santa.

Lucky 7 Note

Last night I was so dehydrated because I cried so much. I had a lunch interview for a non-profit part-time job and the employer's attitude simply irritated me. I was feeling very angry and frustrated about my current situation so I called Eric in the evening.

He called me back while driving back to the city from work and the signal was bad so I asked him if we could meet in our neighborhood. We met up at 9pm in my neighborhood cafe and then we started to talk about life, our families, work, and happiness.

It turned out Eric was unhappy too, even though he has a very decent job. He said 95% of the time he's unhappy, which is much worse than my case. I felt like giving up on this country and move back to the City of Rain. I felt if this place loved me it should not have almost killed me so many times.

Eric should have gone home after an hour or two, but he stayed and chat with me on my front porch past midnight and his girlfriend was texting him a lot.

He offered me his coat on our way home because I was feeling unusually cold, which felt incredibly sweet to me. I cried so many times throughout our conversation. Sometimes it was because I just felt sad about my situation while other times it was because he wasn't happy. Nobody is happy in my life; in fact I might be the happiest person in my network. Just the thought of this makes me sad. Before he left he gave me a big hug and I gave him a bigger hug. Then I cried again and said, "you're not happy; I always thought you were much happier than me." He sobbed. Yes, he sobbed. He is the second man in my life who cried in front of me. The first one is Ivan; he sobbed a little when I got fired in the City of Extremity. Eric is the second one, and we are not even dating. Then he said, "why do you think I need this conversation with you if I was content with what I already have in my life?" I replied jokingly, "Because I am awesome. I provide unique perspective to the world and life." He laughed and said, "If you're leaving you can't leave without saying goodbye." I said, "Of course not. You're like the only friend I have in the City of Gold." He continued, "How about fucking Ken?" I said, "I can always see him in the City of Rain."

I sensed some jealousy in Eric against Ken whereas Eric has a girlfriend with whom he lives for 5 years. At the moment I don't think he has the courage to break up with his girlfriend to chase me. If he were single, I actually feel Eric is more emotionally mature than Ken and I'm more able to be entirely myself in front of Eric. With Ken I can still be myself, but his frequent shut-offs make me afraid to open up sometimes.

Last night Eric said, "the only thing that doesn't change in life is change itself." Ken said the exact same words to me just a few weeks ago. I said to Eric, "as well as unconditional love." Only if we know what it is.

1. I feel so lucky to have Eric in my life.
2. I feel lucky that another friend of mine called me to check on me.
3. I feel so lucky that Ken has been helping me print stuff in his office and he checked on me today as well.
4. I feel lucky that I just sold me cigar case for triple the price I got it for originally.
5. I feel lucky that I am going to vacation in the City of Water Mountain tomorrow and meet this company for a job position. The City of Water Mountain is like a paradise to live in.
6. I feel so lucky that Ian hooked me up with this opportunity in the City of Water Mountain.

Lucky Note 6

1. I feel lucky that Ken bought my old couch and moved it from my apartment for me.

2. I feel lucky that there is a decent grocery store in my complex that I could just go there and get a yummy cheesecake when I felt like it.

3. I feel lucky that I went to such a great graduate school that it gives me a chance for my interview tomorrow.

4. I feel lucky that I was interviewed by such a powerful yet kind person 8 years ago for Princeton undergraduate admission that he referred me to this job position for which I am interviewing tomorrow.

5. I just feel so lucky to be living in the City of Gold now. I feel so much love in this city.

6. I feel so lucky that I am such an intelligent person. This gives me the opportunity to meet people entirely outside of my family's network and receive amazing help from them.

Lucky Note 5 - Faith

1. I feel lucky today that the lady let me pass the written driver's license test even though I changed the answer to a wrong one.

2. I feel lucky that I got two really new bar stools from the garage today and I've been wanting to get a couple of bar stools since the first day I moved in here.

3. I feel lucky to watch Tangled for the third time tonight and it reminds me of my faith.

It is my faith that someone like a prince, a hero will show up in my life; he will have such a big heart to love both himself and me.

Is Ken able to do so? Not yet. Even though he is financially capable, I don't think emotionally he is a mature man. He still has self-confidence issues and withdraws from me every now and then. In fact every time he withdraws I'd feel so sad and frustrated, which I really dislike. Sometimes I even take it personally and wonder if my emotions have terrified him.

But now, I am getting my faith back. The right man will be with me no matter what happens and love me for exactly who I am, how I respond to things emotionally. Both of us are running as fast as we can to meet each other on the path.