Enough Jokes

Today was just another slow Sunday. I woke up at noon and had a feast in the afternoon with my family. I went to visit my baby niece and played with her for some time. I really want a baby of my own.

After I got home, the first thing that came to my mind was that I wanted to talk to Roy. Then he happened to message me and told me that he just moved to a new place, so we started to video chat. It went on for about three hours, and you know, we got naughty on the video call. After that, I wanted to know if things were serious again. I said I felt that he wasn't serious about me because if he was, he wouldn't keep telling me that he wanted to have sex with me so soon.

One thing led to another, he told me that he first met his wife when he was 16 and he was secretly in love with her for many years while she was dating other guys until they were officially together. He talked about the unconditional love he gave her and his kids, and then I cried.

The pain started again in my left chest. I wished he could tell me that he could give me that too, but he never said it. He only said I could have it. It's like this woman has all the things I can ever dream of. Today I just realized they actually have four kids and 3 puppies. When we first met, he told me he had only 2 boys. Seriously, everything. She has the money, 4 kids and puppies, unconditional love, a huge house. It's like the biggest joke the universe can ever play on me.

Roy said that it just told me that it's possible to have what I dream of, but he never said he could give me the same thing too. This just hurts so much. It's my dream, but why hasn't it happened yet? Because it won't happen. I'm too old. Guys near my age or older than me do not have that kind of innocence to be secretly in love with me, waiting for me, loving me unconditionally, putting me before their own needs. They don't have the emotional availability or the money to raise 4 kids and 2 puppies with me. There have been so many times I've dated a guy who doesn't want kids just for the sake of the chance of a lifelong commitment.  And it still doesn't work.

What is your fucking message, universe? Do you want me to build a new dream? Do you want me to give up? What do you want from me? I only have this life left; I have nothing else. Take it if you'd like.

Dream

Last night I had several intermittent chaotic dreams but I can only remember one of them--The one in which Ken and I kissed. There were other episodes leading to the kiss as if we had several adventures before we finally kissed. Then I woke up, feeling sad again about Ken. He hasn't come across my mind for a long time and even if he has they're usually brief and involve my hatred for him. But in this dream, I could actually feel our kiss and it was purely romantic; there wasn't any hatred involved in my dream. Does this mean I still love him subconsciously, without myself knowing it?

I had another quick lunch date with Roy and things were actually great. He wanted to kiss me but I didn't let him. Am I blocking myself from love? If he didn't have all the baggage I would've kissed him long ago. I wanted to be embraced by him and lay my head on his chest as if I can finally feel secure again; however, I don't love him enough to accept all his baggage with him. Is my love life hopeless?

Missing you

Last night I had a really weird dream. I saw myself being interviewed by a solar company that once interviewed me when I was looking for job in the city of gold. In the dream I could clearly remember how well I did in that interview and what information I missed when I was trying to answer some of the most difficult interview questions. However I didn't get a job in real life. I don't really know why but I have always assumed that it was because Im a girl and there must be someone who was much more experienced than I was. In this dream I was being interviewed for a different position. It was kind of funny because my job was to take care of some girls who were panicking at work. I did a successful job comforting calming down those girls which impressed the supervisor and she just gave me an offer like that; I think the annual pay was six digits and she told me that I wouldn't have to work overtime because The job didn't require me to cooperate with other teams in different countries. The position that I actually interviewed for a couple of years ago was in international position which would require me to be in the office in the middle of the night to talk to people in Australia or Africa.

Another weird saying about the dream was that I didn't know anyone that I saw in my dream. They were all girls but I didn't know any of them. It's probably one of The clearest signs that I miss the city of gold.

Then I cried a few times during the day. I miss the city of gold very much but I also remember how painful my struggle was. I had to do everything alone in a completely Alien city. The city of gold was beautiful because of Ken now he's no longer there and I don't know why I still miss the city so much. Perhaps it has something to do with all of the interesting people I met there or interesting places I had been. Or maybe it was just the air which was magical because I always felt happy once I stepped outside to wash the ocean and take a deep breath.

Anyway there's not much new to update about myself. I had a quick lunch date with Roy yesterday. He would actually be a really nice man for me if I didn't have to worry about the baggage he carries and the huge age difference. He just turned 50, and he's going to pay out almost $1 million as alimony to his soon-to-be ex-wife. If he were 10 years older than I am and never married, I would have been madly in love with him already. Isn't it funny how fate always does this to people?

This entry is written with the assistance of Siri; if there is any typo or misspelling it's all Siri's fault.

What If

I just saw this movie and I'm giving it a 10. I cried a few times again. The relationship between Wallace and Chantry is very similar to me and Ken's. But theirs is much more intimate and real. It makes me realize that a real man for the right woman will go out of his way to get true love; he truly becomes more courageous, and able to express his feelings honestly. Just like in fairy tales. Ken, isn't one of them. He surely has done that to other girls, but never to me. It's time to let him go for good.

My Christmas trip to Bali is all set. My brother is joining me again. I'll be spending 10 days there in total and staying at two different 5-star luxury hotels with their own private beach. This is when I feel very grateful for my life. I plan to make this trip spiritual. I don't care that much about food and shopping; I just wanna stay close to the ocean and nature the entire time. And of course, deep down, I hope to meet you there, dear X.

Bali for Christmas

So I'm pretty settled with the decision to travel solo to Bali during Christmas. It's not ideal, but it is happening. Six months ago I was pretty certain that I'd be traveling somewhere with the significant other for Christmas. As the summer goes by and I continued to procrastinate on the whole booking thing, I have realized that it's going to be another lonely Christmas and New Years. Last Christmas Eve Alex came by to my apartment and we spent the night together; then we broke up on Christmas day and never saw each other again. I can't believe a year has passed since he traumatized me.

Somehow, images of Ken and Eric show up as I picture Bali. Previously in my wishful thinking, I'd be traveling with one of the two. Mostly Ken. There were just a couple of times when I imagined to be meeting up again with Eric in Bali since he lives in Asia now. But that's not happening. I keep seeing images of Ken because I know he'd like my taste in hotels, location, and lifestyle. I know he would have a great time with me there. It kind of feels like the time when we took a stroll along the ocean in a sunny afternoon in the City of Gold. But of course, that's not happening either.

Bali is a place for couples and family. As I was researching on the hotels and resorts, most of the reviews were written by couples or families. Like 2% of those were written by solo travelers. I don't really like parties with strangers so I won't be booking a hotel in an area full of young people and parties. I'm going with some classic Starwood hotels where I get to sit by the beach all day reading and napping and sipping a cocktail. Perhaps X will show up and buy me a drink there.

And then we'll have our wedding at one of those hotels in Bali. Gosh their wedding venues are exactly the same as those in my dreams.

So the first thing tomorrow I'm going to book a plane ticket. I'll be traveling first-class for the first time in my life and staying at only five-star hotels. As I'm planning this trip, I'm filled with excitement and sadness at the same time. I feel excited to travel to such a paradise since I left the City of Gold; I feel sad because I am fucking alone again. Remember a few years ago when I promised myself never to do all these cool things again by myself; if I were doing any, I must be doing it with him. Well, I can't believe he hasn't shown up either. Where the fuck are you, X?

My mom is upset about me traveling by myself, which is something I've done tons of times in my life, just not to a developing country (although some cities in the US are worse than developing countries, say, Oakland, Houston, or DC). I told her, unfortunately, if I could find someone to travel with me, I would have found one already. I don't have any friends; even if I do have some good friends, they don't have the time or money to travel with me. I'm not traveling with my brother either because I don't wanna pay for his partner. Mom proposed to pay for him but she's completely oblivious about his gay relationship situation--he's not able to travel without his partner. Fuck all these people who are in a relationship.

The mirror of me

I've always believed in the theory that the people who surround us are usually the reflection of our own internal state.

Last Thursday, my student canceled the class so I decided to have dinner by myself at OT. Then there was this British guy talking to the bar owner who's also British. He was sitting next to me for a while but I didn't bother to initiate the conversation. I was just focusing on the scramble with friends and my food. Finally he came close to me and broke the ice by commenting on some pumpkins that the bartenders or the owner had carved.

Then this is how things started. I wasn't physically attracted to him and I thought I would never talk to him again as we left the bar so I lied; I told him that I was a motivational speaker rather than a teacher. I did that for a couple of reasons:

One, I hate it when people try to get to know someone new by starting with the job they do because I believe most jobs do not tell you about who the person really is; two, I was interested in knowing what it would feel like if I were really a motivational speaker, which is a career path I have been contemplating.

But then, somehow our conversation became so engaging. We talked from about 8 o'clock in the evening till midnight, when he walked me to the metro station and I took the last subway home.

Somewhere along the conversation, he touched my fingers occasionally. Sometimes I shirked from his touch. In the end, he picked up my tab.

Over the past few days, we have exchanged text messages. The thing with this guy, Roy, is that he's divorced with two adult kids and he's 50 years old. I thought he was 45 when we met at a bar and he didn't correct me. When we were at the bar, he opened up to me and told me the drama he went through with this divorce and children and a puppy he got a while ago that died as tragically as Baby did. He told me a lot of things that he never told others before; well, at least according to him.

This guy would be perfect for me if he weren't old and divorced. His divorce is kind of dramatic. Later I googled his scramble ID and I found some of the online ads he had posted looking for one night stands. I started to wonder the truthfulness of his story about his divorce. He said his divorce started when his wife told him that she was tested positive for STDs. Later his test came back and he was completely clean, which meant his  wife cheated on him. But after seeing his ads posted online, I'm starting to be suspicious and thinking that he might actually have STDs.

Now I have a lot to think about. First, why on earth would I attract someone so much older than myself? Is it because I am an old soul? It's something we talked about at the bar and apparently I do think in the very mature way, in a much older away than my real age.

Second, am I a defected person? Is it because I am able to understand or feel things that most people can't? Because I am unusual, I am attracting people who have outrageous flaws, such as being significantly older, bipolar depressed, depend on substances, cheating on their long-term extremely serious significant others, or even physically challenged?

Third, I actually gave it a lot of thought. What if Roy is capable of giving me in the relationship I want? In Modern Family, Jay is also about 25 years older then Gloria and yet they're so happy together. Is this something I should give a shot to?

In my senior year in college, I fantasized about one of my professors at school. And I was so happy that then because there was no break up even though the professor was about 25 years older than I was. We are still in in contact with each other from time to time. in other words, it is possible for me to feel sexually turned on by an older man. But I don't want to deal with his ex-wife and adult boys.

This is the part where I feel really sad. I haven't been on a date for six months and I crave to be embraced by a man one night. I feel so lonely especially at night but I don't know how to deal with it.

This entry was done with the assistance of Siri.