Where are you?

I just want to scream with tears to the universe, "where are you?"

I watched the Indian movie Guzaarish tonight. I have always avoided Indian movies no matter how good they are because they remind me of Ivan. But my aunt kept recommending this one to me so I watched it. Of course I cried my eyes out again. All kinds of feelings emerged as I watched it.

First, the looks and voice of those actors reminded me of Ivan. Then I felt Ivan. I started to feel how he used to hug me to sleep with his one hand, how I could cry in his arms and fall asleep. He must be living happily ever after with a woman who looks like the actress in the movie. Ivan was the only reason why I didn't die after what happened to me four years ago. For the first time I actually understood what it felt like to know someone was always there for me. I haven't felt that way for such a long time, 4 years. The pain and loneliness are nothing less than a paralyzed person as in the movie. I feel like I am stuck in the jail of suffering. For most of the time the pain is beyond my will to survive.

Tell me you love me. Please hold me tight in your arms and never let anyone hurt me. Where are you?

I care about you, I love you

I read this line somewhere on the internet and I just felt so triggered and my tears just rolled down my face.

I crave to hear these words so much. If I could hear these words every day for the rest of my life, I'd be the happiest person in the world.

I had a wonderful lunch date with a guy on Saturday. I was feeling very happy and settled. I thought perhaps this guy would actually work out with me. We talked about how similar our personalities are, how we would be compatible, etc. After we parted, he texted me and asked me how I felt about the date. I said I was feeling happy and blushing on the subway train. He said he felt calm. Later he asked me how I felt about our physical attraction and I said I definitely felt chemistry but it's more than just physical attraction. He agreed and said he liked physical attraction but he didn't see much of my curves. Then I just felt that in a way he was saying I wasn't hot enough. Today I messaged him again and asked him if he wanted to see me again ever, and he said if he did see me again it'd be bad because he just wanted to have sex with me. He said I was nice and I said every man says that to me but no one wants to be with me and it hurts.

Before we actually met in person, we connected quite well online. He messaged me because he wanted what I say I want in my profile, i.e. serious commitment that leads to marriage and family. We were chatting a lot and he even said that he was afraid to do anything that could damage our relationship. I felt really sweet and thought my luck was finally changing.

I am not sad by nature. I feel happy easily too. I was feeling very happy on these dates but they just don't want to see me again. I've been missing PB lately. Even though we've only been on two dates but he was completely honest with me. He said he felt so attracted to who I am but he doesn't have the resources for what I want. I've been on so many dates and nobody except PB is attracted to who I am. We were in the hot spring and he said to my ear, "I am so attracted to you." I asked, crying, "attracted to my what?" He said, "attracted to this, you being yourself." I appreciate that so much and I want to find that in my life that lasts forever.

I am feeling tears welling up in my body. In my arms, in my stomach, in my fingers, in my chest, and in my forehead. Is it fate, including all of the things that have happened to me and my genes, that makes me so alone and undesirable in the world? People appreciate my wisdom and my contribution to the world but nobody wants to be with me. Those who adore who I am are terrified of being with me or hurting me.

This pain in my heart, exactly located in my heart, in my left chest, makes me want to stab my chest and let the tears burst out like a fountain.