Best friend or not?

A couple of nights ago I went to a barbeque party with Ken and his friends. I had fun and some strong alcohol. After that I didn't sleep quite well and dreamed about Ivan.

It was the first time over the past year that I dreamed about Ivan. I didn't look at and own any picture with him in it yet in the dream his face was so close and clear to me. I can't remember what happened in the dream though.

Ivan was my best friend for sure, and it's been extremely difficult to find someone like him in my life. I also worked a lot for him to become both my boyfriend and best friend; I cried a lot and felt insecure for months. Eventually the relationship became what it's like in movies; he surprised me on V-day and my birthday and he felt my pain when I was suffering. We did everything together, literally everything. I felt lucky every day and was convinced that there was no one else in the world that would treat me better than he did to me. That's why after the breakup, after he told me that I changed him into something he was not, it has been too hard for me to heal and the only thing I could do was to purge all the memories. There was one time I told Tanner that I had never dated anyone whose name begins with an "I"; I really could not recall Ivan at that moment and I recalled all my other exes, including dates.

But these are all things without an answer. I can never know why Ivan changed and what I did wrong. He doesn't want to stay in contact with me even in the most superficial way, i.e. Facebook. He wouldn't know if I died and vice versa. Maybe he's happily married with kids now while I am still in the eternal chaos of emotions and confusing thoughts.

This blog is filled with so many weird thoughts and no one is reading. I guess blogosphere today is shrinking in size?

Realize.

Being back home keeps me away from nonstop thinking on my own. I mean, there are always people around me and things that keep me busy so I don't have time for depressing thoughts.

It's been more than 2 years since Ivan broke up with me. In other words, I have been single for more than 2 years now. I wasn't even able to stay up till midnight on New Year's Eve; I'm convinced that New Year's countdown is pointless unless there's something romantic you can do with a partner otherwise it's just another holiday.

Over the past couple of days one of my aunts Monica talked to me a lot about relationships and career stuff. She's actually much better than my therapist. She reminded me how I should be pursued by men and take things slow without opening up too much; she also made me wonder whether my romantic partner should be my best friend. According to her my boyfriend or husband is a lover rather than a best friend. Originally I assumed both roles in a husband/boyfriend but now I am just really confused.

I have been thinking how I was opening up too fast when I was dating Cato. First of all, he's unlike other guys I've been with that he is younger than me and comes from a less intact family and I just assumed it's OK for me to take a more caring role in this relationship. It turned out Cato is a creature with a penis after all and desires women that he can't get. Secondly I still blamed myself a lot for the breakup with Ivan because he did so many things for me and pampered me like a princess; I felt that my bad temper and self-centeredness in that relationship ruined everything and therefore I further let go of my ego and did not care anything about playing "the game".

Since being back home I feel I'm blessed. There are still people caring for me and giving me that helping hand. None of my friends, even close friends in the City of Power makes me feel this way.

Ken also gave me a call and we're going to hang out soon. I bought him really amazing coffee in the City of Money and I need to catch up with him for insights in the industry.