Nothing happened.

Tonight I spent 70 bucks on an extremely fancy dinner. In the morning I had an amazing coffee at a really low-key cafe and the girl who did the art work on the coffee was really warm and talented. Before I had the coffee some man complimented my shearling boots and we talked briefly on the train about fashion. After the coffee I went shopping again. So far I've spent hundreds on gifts for my family and friends and none for myself; I received no gifts for Christmas either. Again, today was another silent day, no phone calls or text messages, not even a thank you from a guy friend whom I texted during dinner because his birthday happened to be Christmas Eve. At the restaurant there were two birthday people present and the who restaurant chanted for them; so did I.

I saw a lot of things and people today but talked to really no one. The only people who wished me merry Christmas are the people I paid to. On the other hand I'm quite grateful for the fact that there are people who are so driven by money and willing to work on Christmas so lonely people like me can be entertained on this holiday.

After dinner, I went to the magnificent giant Christmas tree again. I found a less cold corner and watched the tree, waiting for a miracle. Then it got really cold and I was tired in my heels. I gave up waiting and took a cab back to my hotel.

Nothing really happened. There's no miracle, of course. Not even a text message or G-chat message wishing me a merry Christmas. This is my karma for trusting and caring again.

After tonight I feel no drive left. I've given up. I dressed up for a fancy dinner for no one other than myself. Yes I did enjoy the food and service and at one point I felt nice to be alone because if Cato was there we wouldn't be having all the great food because he's a vegetarian. On the other hand, it was a unique phenomenon that someone would actually go to such an upscale restaurant in designer outfit to have dinner alone on a Christmas Eve. It feels much better to expect nothing and spend the holidays as nothing rather than hoping for something romantic and the worst thing happens. I'm tired and sad.

Tiffany is your best friend.

So I've just begun my Christmas vacation in the City of Money. It is gorgeous and I couldn't stop taking pictures of every interesting thing in this place. I walked around the city all day and saw this creative adorable window display at Tiffany & Co.

It reminds me of Breakfast at Tiffany's. Tiffany & Co. is the only place in the world where everyone would treat you with respect. Ironically, I do not have any item from Tiffany's either.

I kept walking, and then came across the magnificent giant Christmas tree. I snapped some pictures and sat on one of the benches on the sidewalk. Everyone in this city is walking with a partner, be it a friend, romantic partner, or family members, except for me. I was completely by myself. My phone did not ring a bit, not even a text message from anyone except my mom and brother. I watched the tree, propelled to cry again but I managed to hold back because there were simply too many people on the street and I didn't want to make myself awkward in public.

Finally I arrived at a huge toy shop. It's a shop filled with love. Most people were shopping there with their kids, and there were some couples too. I was probably the only single person. Then I began to imagine me and Cato shopping there for our kids.

"Stuffed toys?" He asked.
"Don't they already have a lot of stuffed toys? Oh wait, look at that bear! I'd buy one for myself!" Then I moved my face toward his with a childish grin and he burst into smile as well.
"Oh hey, Harry Potter!" He said with excitement.
"Oh yeah, let's definitely get these. I know you'd love the hat for yourself too." So we grabbed a few items from the Harry Potter section.
"How about board games? It can stimulate their thinking and we can join them too." I said.
"Sure. How about this one?" He reached for a trivia game called "Zero".
"Sounds fun! Let's get that one." I replied.
We looked around some more but some of the stuffed toys were simply unrealistically expensive so we decided to check out.
"You think the kids will be excited?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, they'll probably get too high!" He replied.
Both of us were carrying a huge bag of the stuff we just bought and we walked out from the store hand in hand.

Then it was cold; then I realized I was still alone and he never replied to my phone call or G-chat message. He hates me now. He doesn't care if I'm dead or not.

I returned to my hotel, having a king-size bed all to myself. I miss those nights when I slept in his arms. Sometimes he'd hold me really tight all night and I was entirely comfortable with it. In the morning he'd kiss me before I wasn't even close to waking up. We'd make out in the morning and he'd lay his head on my chest like a baby and I'd kiss his forehead, wrapping his head with my arms.

It's Christmas Eve. I am a little concerned about being awkward alone at that fancy expensive restaurant for Christmas Eve dinner. My plan is to act cool like a food critique, snap some pictures of the food and jot down some pseudo-professional notes about how the food tastes so people would assume I am there alone for dinner because of work rather than my interpersonal failures.

After the dinner I will still go to see the Christmas tree again. I need to take a closeup look at it and make a wish. Another reason is because I am hoping Cato would cover my eyes from behind while I'm staring at the tree and whisper to my right ear "guess who this is" in a playful way. I'd pause for a long time and then he feels warm tears in his hands. I turn around and he gives me a gift and says "Merry Christmas."

Checklist.

Last night I was browsing other blogspots randomly and came across at least 10 blogs by happy moms/wives with their loving husbands and adorable kids. I don't know how Google designed their blog browsing system but they do know what I'm interested in reading. As I continued to read these random family blogs I could almost feel that warmth and happiness around me, as if I was one of those women.

I'm leaving for the City of Money tomorrow morning. I should feel excited and I do to some extent but still feel quite lonely.

I just wrote a checklist of a perfect guy for me; it is the first time in my life to do so and I think it's good for me to visualize him: (not necessarily ordered by priority)
- is loyal
- is funny and positive
- is knowledgeable and witty
- is not afraid or jaded
- is idealistic about love yet practical about his career
- has faith in me and is willing to work through difficulties with me
- is healthy
- is confident and doesn't take my appreciation and effort for granted

You'd be surprised by how little confidence men have today. I thought a man like Cato would be confident but as it turned out he is in fact more insecure and self-conscious than me. Actually I don't remember any of the guys I've been with being confident.

Interestingly, Richard is going to be in the City of Money for the holidays too, with his new girlfriend though.

Glad to be alive.

The past few days I was suffering from really serious depression. This time was way worse than before. I was asleep for more than 15 hours per day and while I was awake my mind could not function at all. I could stare at a sentence yet was unable to read a single word for an hour. I could barely eat. I tried to walk a block to Whole Foods and on my way back I saw the intersection where Cato kissed me in public; my legs went weak and I simply just couldn't move anymore, as if there was no energy left for me to survive.

Yesterday morning my family told me to book a plane ticket home for the holidays and I did. My parents have no clue of what is going on with me but my brother does. It's better for me to be home, with my family rather than be by myself all the time. The City of Power could be fatal because none of my friends is in town. This drama is kind of similar to what happened to me 3 years ago, when Ivan first broke up with me and I got really depressed too and booked a plane ticket home for Christmas. The only difference this time is that I will be flying business class.

I've been feeling better since I booked the ticket home. Now I'm much more motivated to get my work done before Christmas. I also booked myself an extremely fancy Christmas Eve dinner in the City of Money; although the receptionist was surprised that I'll be having Christmas Eve dinner alone but she still accepted my reservation. I am now also excited about things I need to buy in the City of Money for my family.

I was chatting with Ian today and told him those really depressing thoughts I had over the past few days. Those thoughts were actually very scary that I don't want to repeat them ever again. I could feel he actually cares about me. In fact there are more people who care about me than I know. I need to be strong, like Cato's favorite Icelandic song (and now also my favorite) says, "I got my nose bleed but I always stand up." Ian told me to stop working and watch some movie instead and I did. I watched Stardust again and I feel hope again. I also need to forget about Ivan and the entire relationship; I think the fact that I kept comparing things with that relationship was very destructive.

I don't know what will happen to me in the City of Money but I know it will surprise me, be it snowy or not. Those Christmas trees on the avenues will be gorgeous and I will still go make my wish in front of that magnificent giant Christmas tree with thousands of lights. Perhaps I will even receive a Christmas gift even though I didn't really give out any. I love my life and I love myself. I deserve a big warm hug from behind in front of that Christmas tree.

Does it hurt you to see me cry?

Today I went to refund the stuff I bought for Cato and saw a small crowd of people standing in from the Hallmark Christmas cards section. I went up and checked out the cards they had for "love" and came across this one. I snapped a picture of the card with my phone and upon reading I cried again. What's ironic is that people working at Hallmark that wrote these greetings do not even believe in love. Didn't we all see the movie 500 Days of Summer?

I'm suffering from pretty bad depression again. I didn't do anything except for sleep, lunch with Tanner, and a visit to my therapist. After my session I went back home to sleep more as if it is the only way to escape from the reality. But my work is piling up and I really need to get things done before Christmas.

The trigger to the whole thing started on Sunday, when Cato, Boss (a good friend of mine) and I were working in the office. I got hungry in the evening and asked Cato if he'd like me to bring something back for him to the office. He said he wasn't hungry so I called Boss. Boss told me that he just left the office and was already having food and asked me why I didn't ask my boyfriend. I said he wasn't hungry and was very busy and Boss replied, "if it was my girlfriend I'd still go with her just to keep her company." I asked again, "even if you're not hungry and super busy?" He said "yes." Then I replied, "I guess every guy is different and besides you and your girlfriend have been together for a longer time." He continued, "but the beginning is the honeymoon period." After I got food I went to say hi to Cato and he was chatting with other girls on G-chat again. After I returned to my seat I asked him on G-chat why he was always talking to that girl and barely to me and I also told him the whole conversation I had with Boss.

Last night he told me that what I told him seemed entirely reasonable but he just felt he couldn't do that with me. He said there was something unknown inside of him that is stopping him from developing further emotional attachment to me. He felt that those insignificant attachment to other people is more important than this significant attachment to me; in other words, he'd rather hang out with lots of others having insignificant friendships than hang out with me all the time.

In short, I am just not a desirable company to him. I am someone that people don't really want to spend time with.

I think I have cried too much, more than the sum for the past two years. I really want to end my life right here if I didn't own a bunch to my family. There is no hope in life, no light, no warmth. If I died right here right now, not many people would find out about it and none of those men I dated would even care. My funeral would be the only time in my life when people would actually praise me and speak about my values and goodness. While I'm alive I'm just a valueless undesirable scum. This is also something against the theory of evolution--we live, in fact, to die.

When will this happen to me? If love does not exist, why do people write about it, make movies about it, take pictures about it, or talk about it? It means it has to be there in people's mind so there are blockbusters and bestsellers. If it does exist then why can't I have it in real life?

One mistake I made last night was that I cried in front of Cato. I hated that. I am such a weak person. What hurts more is to know that he probably doesn't feel anything to see me cry. None of them felt anything when seeing me cry, as if I am the most retarded loser in the world. The last time I saw Ivan at the airport I did not cry because I had superb faith that our love would last through long distance and we would be back together soon, although I cried as soon as I boarded the plane. I really don't think I have enough strength this time to fight against this heartbreak.

Write the pain.

Cato just broke up with me. You know what, maybe it wasn't even "breaking up" for him because he said "we should stop hooking up and all that stuff." He didn't even say we should stop "dating." The reasons include that he felt he could not give me the commitment that I was hoping for, his own insecurity, and nothing to do with me. The guy that made me believe in love again just dumped me and I was at most a fling to him. How is it not my problem?

All our interesting conversations about love, life, and the miscellaneous were bullshit. None of those was true. Love does not exist. It will never happen to me, even though this time I already tried my best to give and enjoy giving rather than investing. I tried my best to walk in his shoes and did not initiate a lot of phone calls or texts etc. I still failed.

I saw images. I already planned my vacation in the City of Money for Christmas. I ordered his Christmas gift 2 weeks ago and formulated the sentences I was going to write in the Christmas card to him for almost a month and finally wrote down the words in the card 2 days ago. I wrote:

Dear Big Crab,
Thank you for making this winter warmer for me, and no, like most Americans I do not believe it's because of global warming. I hope this high-tech backpack will reduce the stress on your shoulders so next time when you talk to me you can keep your hands off the straps.

The letter has a lot of metaphors. Because I already know he's an insecure person who is trying too hard to impress and I noticed a lot of body language in him that simply shows defense, one of which is that he tends to put his hands on his backpack straps covering his chest when he talks to people, even when talking to me. One possibility is that his backpack is heavy and another is he's insecure or both. I also noticed that his backpack was falling apart so I decided to buy him a fancy high-tech backpack that is designed not to carry too many things and reduce stress.

I also saw myself standing in front of the magnificent Christmas tree in the City of Money on Christmas Day, wearing the red Vera Wang dress I just bought and holding the gift in a beautiful package in my hands, waiting for him under the tree. I would give him that gift along with the card under that tree. Then he would kiss me and say those three words to me after reading the card, and then I'd lose my virginity to him. He'd hang out with me while I'm there and introduce me to his family and friends and we'd count down together to the New Year.

None of those is going to happen now. I tore down the card in front of him, printed the return label for the backpack, fortunately the wrapping materials are unopened yet so I can return them as well. I now see myself standing in front of that gorgeous magnificent monstrous Christmas tree on Christmas Eve alone, still in that elegant red Vera Wang dress, watching that tree and shed tears. Originally I planned a 2-week trip to the City of Money now I'm just going to spend the Christmas there for 3 days and then come back to my cozy apartment in the City of Power. On those cold snowy days I think solitude feels cozy.

It's so hard to be pursued again. I would never forget Richard's pursuit. Although we only had one week together but I didn't really feel insecure, or have the time to feel insecure. He was the first person in my life to said those three words to me, even though we were together for only a week. I want that to happen to me again. I want someone to be certain about me again. I want someone who is confident that he deserves my virginity. I want someone who can be my best friend. I want someone is able to understand where I come from and be tolerant every time when I feel insecure. I want someone who's so into me that wants to spend every second with me and no one else. I want someone with whom I can travel, get married, have 5 kids and 2 dogs, and die together 80 years later.

Is that too much to ask of? Is it possible? Maybe I should stop being hopelessly romantic and begin using the checklist method, i.e. listing all the qualities in the man and stick with it. In the past I have been too idealistic and never cared about what the guy should have; all I care about is the connection and then fall for him. I guess if love never existed in the world in the first place, my strategy was completely wrong because it leads to only sex. Cato was nothing like the type of guy I am typically attracted to. He's only a bit taller than me, doesn't make a lot of money, extremely smart but too self-conscious, not good looking, not that humorous or hilarious, but even so I still gave him all the best compliments about how he looks and performs. I still chose to have faith in him and gave him all the support I have. I did the same with Ivan; he had nothing on my typical attraction list but I still gave so much until I had absolutely nothing left.

Winters are meant to be quiet. Solitude is usual. No family, no friends, not even Baby for holidays. I miss my dog Baby so much.

Writing is my best friend even if no one really reads. It gives me an illusion that someone is actually listening to me as I speak these words in my mind. My mind runs too fast and it's good to be able to capture some thoughts through words from time to time.

Closer.

Cato and I just became even closer after me telling him the source of my insecurity. He's such a wonderful person with an amazing perception and I find him a true treasure.