Fat, words

Wow, it's been over two weeks since I last wrote. There have been many times that I felt like writing something down, but I couldn't because I was either exhausted or had too much on my plate.

First of all, I caught a cold after the Backstreet Boys' concert, which took me a week to recover. After realizing that I've been getting sick more frequently than I used to a few years ago, say, when I was in grad school, I decided to start to seriously take care of my personal well-being. I have been neglecting my emotions and physical shape lately because you know, I have kind of given up on love, and the only thing I feel grateful about in my life is my job. I'm neglecting everything else in my life for the sake of building up my reputation and career prospects.

So, a week ago, I bought a Oster Versa blender. It's been evidenced that vegetable and fruit smoothie is able to rejuvenate our digestive system or starve daily tumor cells. Maybe I'm not using the proper words here, so I'll just say it'll make me healthier. Of course I did a lot of research before spending a couple hundred bucks on that thing. It all started from the organizer of my grad school alumni chapter in the City of Rain. He had liver cancer about 20 years ago and his wife has helped inhibit his tumor cells after he had that big surgery all thanks to her VItamix and recipes. I'm waiting for her recipe book to arrive in the mailbox so I can start to make scientifically healthy smoothies. So far I've been blending fruits with vegetables consisting of different colors; apparently, "rainbow diet" is supposed to balance our metabolism (or just to make us healthier simply put).

I intended to write on May 12, when our alumni group gathered again for a fancy dinner welcoming a visiting professor. Guess what? JJ was there. He just moved back to the City of Rain from the City of Power. An hour before the gathering, he sent me an email saying "Hey been losing contact for such a long time! See you tonight!" I was so irritated upon reading this message. WHERE'S THE FUCKING SUBJECT? You were the one who lost contact with me for such a long time; you promised me that you'd give me a call before I left the City of Gold but you never did. You have my email address, whatsapp, iMessage, and everything; if you really wanna stay in touch, you can easily do so. And guess what? People today blame everything to Facebook. If I'm not on Facebook, I'm responsible for not being in touch by default. Argh. I fucking hate the 21st century.

Besides that, nothing really happened between us. We were unauthentic with each other, as always. Some other alumni thought it was so interesting that we were classmates for 6 years in total; he also reminded that we have known each other for 10 years. Yeah, that's true. I can't believe time just flies like that. But I never liked him in college anyway; he said he was afraid to talk to me in college. After that few-night-thing in the City of Power, I made myself vulnerable but he chose his girlfriend over me. I had my heart broken and started to hate him (and myself) again. End of story.

I had an interesting date last Saturday night, with a very intelligent Russian American. We hung out from 10pm till 1am. After that night, I realized how much I miss having intellectual conversations with someone like that. It's been such a long long long time. I've been single for too long. But then, I knew that night that this Russian guy wouldn't commit. He didn't even give me his phone number for our blind date; he just texted me through OKCupid, not even whatsapp, even though I gave him my number. He was very secretive, which made me wonder if he was serious at all. His profile says that we're the same age but I'm pretty sure he's a few years older than me. He's smart, capable of everything (he can fly airplanes and drive motorcycles and used to be a lawyer), but emotionally unavailable--he couldn't remember the last time he cried and he told me that he had to be paid to care for his kids if he had one because he didn't see the point of caring about what the kids do. I was pretty shocked and flustered upon hearing this.

A little part of me still imagined a fairy tale in which I became the woman who completely changed him, "saved" him and made him feel happy again. The 25-year-old me would do so; the 18-year-old would do so as well. But not this almost-30-year-old me. I miss the time of myself being so idealistic and always fantasizing about the romantic stories ever, and then crying helplessly whenever I didn't get it. Stupid right? Why would I miss that part of history of myself? Because that part of me is vulnerable and sweet. Every man wanted to kiss me and I kissed many. Yes, the consequences were terrible but at least I had sufficient dosage of dopamine that I was never overweight. Recently I find myself annoyingly overweight that I'm feeling really stressed out. I can't fit in so many of my clothes and I look round in all my pics. Also, the more I try not to eat the worse the food craving gets. I have an antagonistic history with losing weight and keeping myself hungry and I have never succeeded in that realm. The only way to lose weight that has worked in my entire life is to fall in love, or at least have a crush on someone, even if it's just my wishful thinking. I have been single for too long; what's worse, I haven't loved someone for too long.

The last time I came close to becoming skinny again was when Roy and I were dating. Unfortunately, it ended too soon that the dopamine level dropped to the bottom immediately and hence all my bikini pictures look fat. Before Roy, it was just Sean and Michael. I was skinny as well when I was dating them but I had skin problems. And now my skin is finally clear for almost a year, but my weight is freaking me out again.

That's why I wish I could secretly hold onto that intelligent pilot/motorcycle driver at this moment so my dopamine level would rise. But the pain that comes with wishful thinking is too much that my brain, or heart, automatically shuts off. This is why unloved people or celebrities do drugs, to boost up their dopamine so they can stay skinny. Human beings are such a fucked up creature.

I can't even remember the last time I cried for a man. Maybe I'll do so tonight. That Saturday night before I went to the date, I cried my eyes out thinking about Baby. Baby is the only one in the world who can make me cry helplessly. Our love is irreplaceable and there will never be a day in my life when I think of her and not cry.

I think about Ken, Erik, JJ, Roy, Michael, Sean, or Alex from time to time but I don't feel sad anymore. Maybe I'm shutting down my heart when it comes to those guys; maybe I'm just being indifferent to love these days, which is why I'm getting fat.

I went to a speed dating event last Sunday and was hugely disappointed. Out of the 25 guys I met, only about 5 of them were intellectually compatible with me; out of the 5 who were kind of intellectually compatible with me, none of them chose me in the end. They probably found me intimidating or something.

After that, I went to OT by myself for food. No one came to talk to me, but I kept missing Roy. I remember the first conversation we had, and all the sweet things he said to me. I actually wish he could show up and talk to me again. No, no one showed up. Everyone that was once in my life is now long gone. People I sent emails to never replied to me. Tanner got married on May 9 and I sent him a genuinely blessing email but he never responded. Not even a thank-you. Richard and Gorav asked me how I ended up meeting with the Backstreet Boys, I explained and they never responded; they asked me how I was doing, I answered, but they never reciprocated.

Does everyone hate me?

If I say yes, then you (whoever you are) will say that I shouldn't take this personally and the world isn't against me. In fact, I tell myself that too, but I just find myself more and more numb that I'm always reasoning with me emotions and instincts. I think I brought up a pretty good argument during my date with that Russian pilot lawyer; he claimed that our emotions can be explained because they're all a part of our survival instincts, but I argued that if our instincts are meant to help us survive and yet we use our rationality to reason with it, to convince ourselves whatever we're feeling right now is unnecessary, our rationality and reason are actually going against our survival.

Bam, lawyered!

As long as you love me

I had a blast with the Backstreet Boys. As a Platinum VIP, I got to go on stage when they were singing 10,000 promises, Quit Playing Games, and Madeleine. I want to write down everything as soon as possible so I will never forget this day.

I got to the venue at 2:30pm sharp, but I still waited in line for 30 minutes or so before they officially started to check in all the VIPs. Platinum VIPs got to stand in the first row during the sound check party and I asked the first question: do you personally believe in the ideas of true love that are so frequently and profoundly expressed in your songs?

Nick clarified with me, "like do we believe it?" I said, "yeah like Permanent Stain, Love Somebody?"

AJ answered the question solely. He said that a lot of the songs were based on their own experience of relationships, breakups, etc. Then I stopped hearing what he was saying because he walked to me and answered the question looking at me in the eyes in a squatting position. For the first time in my life, I felt like the Backstreet Boys were real people instead of some fantasies or images that I had always been chasing in my head. It was an ineffable feeling that I had never experienced before. I'm no longer a teenager and it felt like AJ was answering my question as if we were friends. It wasn't like I was one of those crazy fans who want to marry them or have their babies or would die for any chance to be hugged by them etc. (No, I'm really not that fucked up!) It kind of reminds of those good times I had with my buddies in the City of Power, with Tanner, Matt, etc. We could have this personal, intimate conversation although he, theoretically speaking, lives in a world I have no idea of. I can say his social status is much higher than mine and for him, I'm just another fan, but I'd rather not think like that. For one moment there, it felt like a friend I had always fantasized became real. That's all I can put in words.

The other guys didn't answer my question. I felt a bit bad and conscious about it. What if they thought I was too naive or stupid or they were impatient or even annoyed by questions like this? Other fans all asked "fun facts" sort of questions like "who do you secretly admire" or "can you sing this or that" or "what do you think about this or that". But I honestly didn't care that much about those fun facts because for the past 20 years, the only thing that has always puzzled me is that whether this kind of "as long as you love me" or "my love is all I have to give" true love is real. Does it exist? Has anyone seen it? Do those people singing it believe in it? Hence my question that day.

As soon as AJ finished answering my question, I just gave me a big smile and said "thank you!" After the sound check party, I took a picture with the boys. Everyone of them gave me a hug and I was so surprised and said thanks to everyone. But I wasn't all that ecstatic like other fans; again, it felt more like getting hugs from old friends, some old friends I had never met in person but had always been there for me when I needed some reaffirmation. Brian was the first who reached out his hands to hug me. A moment earlier I was just telling the security guy that I was feeling disappointed because they had just told us that we wouldn't be able to get back to our spot once we get off the stage, but eventually the problem was solved that they created a new small spot for all the platinums in the pit that we could go back to after we get off the stage. Then as soon as I saw Brian reaching out his hands asking me, "how are you doing?" I immediate felt great and just said, "great, thank you!" Then it was Kevin. Then I looked at Nick into his eyes, and somehow couldn't believe that I was meeting him in person for the first time in my life. I said to him, "oh my god, first time in my life!" Nick said, "come here babe," and hugged me really tight and lifted me a little. I looked so happy in the picture that everyone thought Nick was my bf. After they finished taking the photo, I also hugged AJ and said "thank you for answering my question" and then hugged Howie too.

That wasn't my only encounters with the boys. I shook hands with all of them repeatedly during the show and when I was on stage. The funniest thing was that I ran into Nick in the backstage alone when I was about to go on stage. I was the last in line (almost always the case because all other bitches were always running first and they all came with friends who could help each other get good spots; I was the only platinum VIP by myself so no one took pics of me when I was on stage) and when all the girls were on stage, I saw a shadow behind me so I turned around and looked. Nick just came to the backstage and we looked at each other in the eyes. I had one of those dramatic facial expressions where I appeared to my utterly surprised with my eyes wide open and hands on my chest. I didn't bother him for a hug or anything but I think he thought I was quite funny. I ended up sitting on the far left on the stage, a spot that all the youtube videos I've checked so far have been unable to capture. When Nick was ready, he came out from my right hand side and I didn't even notice it because I was paying all my attention to the other guys performing on stage. Then he offered his left hand right in front of my face and I was surprised again. I put my right hand on his hand and held his hand for a couple of seconds with my right hand (yeah, I'm conditioned to always use my right hand to shake hands and it wasn't intuitive to me to use my left hand). He looked at my in a sexy, flirtatious way which I found quite amusing that day. It was like he wasn't seriously flirty at all; he was just flirty in his own funny way, which I think is a good thing since all the boys are married now. They just work really hard to "entertain" the fans.

I hugged Brian and AJ again on stage and shook hands with Howie. During the show, Kevin also tried really hard to reach my hand, and so did Brian. AJ even walked right in front of me and we touched hands. The music was of course fabulous and perfect, as always. They worked really hard and made zero mistakes whether it was their dance or singing. This kind of spirit belongs to people in the 90s, like myself. I'm a 90s person and after this concert, I'm more assured than ever that the 21st century totally sucks--autotunes, smartphones, Facebook, crony plutocracy, enough said. I feel sad for those kids who spend their teenage years in the 21st century.

So now I'm gonna write more about my thoughts and emotions. I cried when I heard them sing 10,000 Promises at the sound check party. I loved that song when I was 11 or 12. But of course back then I didn't what it meant; I couldn't imagine a woman lying so much to a man. Now I get it, but I still think it's the guy who lies so much to a girl. I also cried when I heard All I Have to Give and As Long As You Love Me. All these songs were from Backstreet's Back, my very first CD album in my life. I learned about them after my German cousins visited our family in my fourth grade and I bought that CD. They were crazy about the BSB back then because the BSB first became popular and famous in Germany and then the entire Europe. After listening to that album over and over again, I bought their very first album Backstreet Boys and every other album thereafter; Millennium came out in my sixth grade I believe in 1998 or 1999, before it turned 2000. All the songs were so great and they were my only escape from all the fear, stress, pain at school. I remember in my 9th grade, I learned the entire Shape of My Heart listening to the radio every night before bed, before the album was officially released (also, this was a time where the Internet wasn't so easily available so it wasn't like I could just download their latest singles off the internet and listen to it repeatedly; I remember I could listen to that song exactly at around 10:20pm on that radio channel and I always had my printed lyrics ready waiting for the DJ to play that latest single right on time). I was deprived of all opportunities to have any romance in my teenage years and the Backstreet Boys were the ones who kept feeding me ideas of love and romance. However, now I'm wondering whether that was a good thing; maybe that's why I'm so unrealistic in love and haven't been able to settle down with someone.

In the summer of my 10th grade, I also booked a trip to Singapore for the MTV Asia Awards because Nick was the first artist who promised to perform there. Then he cancelled the last minute and I really cried out of frustration. In the end, I still went to Singapore for the show and saw many other great artists, like Robbie Williams who shook his hips right above me. There was also Missy Elliott, a couple of guys from NSync or Five or Boyzone (??). Can't remember well. I didn't have any camera and this was again, a time before anything digital. It was a fun trip with my cousin, but after that I kind of gave up on the Backstreet Boys. They were on a hiatus during that time and I thought I would never have a chance to see them.

But then in 2008, some miracle happened. The universe gave me an opportunity to see them free of charge. My seats were were in the front area but not very close to the guys, but that was my first encounter with the boys. This time I finally had the financial capabilities to pay for the Platinum VIP package and I thought it was a way for me to show my support to their perseverance, to thank the Universe's answer to my prayer and some unknown force that brought me to that concert in 2008. And it turned out to be so much fun, so magical.

Here's the most important question of all: do I still believe in the ideas of true love shaped by the Backstreet Boys? Deep down, as I dig and search and dig at the bottom of my heart, I do, I still do. Because without all that, the world is too fucked up and provides no purpose for people to continue to live in this world. When I was 13, I spent one summer at a boarding school in the UK and it was my first time traveling abroad by myself, I felt so scared pretty much every night. Some Italian boys were also harassing me by knocking on my window or even my door. It was such a stressful environment that I kept listening to Millennium every night, my favorites being Back to Your Heart and Spanish Eyes. I also became good friends with a girl from Spain who was totally crazy about the BSB and after that summer we wrote each other mail with magazine clippings of the BSB. It's like the lyrics, the music, their voice have helped me rise up to so many challenges; I could climb out from the bottom of a pit every time because of their music. I was so stupid, and still am so stupid that I just keep believing and believing... I don't know the counter-factuals because this is how I live my life and have made my dreams come true in different stages of my life, including the dream to see the Backstreet Boys in person one day.