A long dream

Yesterday I had a really long dream. I slept for 12 hours straight and couldn't wake up because of continuous dreaming. It was a nightmare. I was trying to hard to wake up and open my eyes but I couldn't. I saw a lot of men I had been with in my dream. I was either waiting for them impatiently, or chasing them, or being suffocated by them. Finally I woke up at almost noon exhausted, and I told myself never to think about any man again.

Last night before I fell asleep I imagined a conversation with X. It went like this:

J: Are you here?

X: Yes, I'm always here.

J: Then why don't you show up? I want a hug from you so much.

X: I can't show up yet. You won't like me in this present moment.

J: If you're really here, can you tell me where I have been today?

X: Sure. You went to IKEA for dinner today. I was watching you.

J: But why didn't you come to talk to me? I was eating alone the whole time and as always nobody talked to me.

X: Like I said, I can't show up yet. But I intentionally forbade other guys to talk to you too. That's selfish of me. I know.

J: If you truly care about me, could you stop making me feel so lonely?

...... 

When we one day meet in person...

J: You are everything I've ever wanted in a man.

X: And you're everything I've ever wanted in a woman.

J: But I am scared.

X: Why?

J: You say that because I am beautiful, intelligent, kind, and successful in everything I do. But I have never been successful in love. The truth is I'm a very lonely person. At the beginning I need a lot of attention and care in order to feel secure and then I can put my heart in your hands. I won't be able to do that before knowing I have your heart first. I don't think a man like you likes a woman like that.

X: In fact I love a woman just like that.

And then I fell asleep.

A couple of days ago I was catching up with Caesar. His life is such a mess right now that we rarely talk to each other now. He said he cared about me but I just couldn't feel it. How is it possible for someone to care about me if he only talks to me once every three months and is consumed by the struggle of basic survival? He said he'd visit me once he had the money but I just don't think he would when he had the money because we either wouldn't be talking to each other by then or would have met someone else by then. From time to time I think about just being with him virtually. We have never seen each other in person so I'm afraid if we don't have chemistry in person and then all the energy and time would be wasted. He doesn't even have money to buy a webcam although he did just buy a smartphone recently. Our every conversation turned into an argument. For all my biggest questions, he could only tell me he didn't know whereas I always had an answer. I want to be the one who always says I don't know while the guy figures things out. I'm done figuring out everything for a man.

I felt angry every time when I talked to Caesar. The pain of not being able to see him in person and feel him physically, or not even being able to see his facial expressions when he talked was too much. The progress he's making for his life is too slow. He's just applying for a PhD and god knows how long it'd take him to get into a program with fellowship, to finish the program, and to get a tenured job. I gave up my plan for a PhD four years ago in order to start making money soon and start a family soon. I shouldn't get stuck with a man younger than me who's planning on what I gave up four years ago. It would not work.

I haven't changed at all.

I just found a few pieces of work written when I was 17 or 18. I realized I haven't changed at all for the past ten years. "Who I am" is such an eternal being.

March, 2004

Encounter

     In my mind, the most beautiful word in this temporal world is “encounter.”

     The value of life lies in its uncertainty.  Numerous encounters in a lifetime are like soulful musical notes, weaving a symphony of spring, summer, autumn, and winter.  They nurture the nature of my heart, letting me waltz through the turbid stream of society.

     How blessed and fortunate I am that I have encountered you.  You activate my emotions, thoughts, and ambition, bringing me the belief of the passion in words, the logic in symbols, and the crisis in graphs; I learn your quandary, raising my infinite empathy, which firms my atheism; I can feel your eyes of jealousy, which simply puts an overcoat of pride on me; I peek into your kind and passionate heart, which triggers a series of fantasies……

     If you innocently believe that there is a model which fits my written sculpture, I have to say—you, are thousands of “encounters,” making my flamboyant love with life more and more beautiful.

April, 2004

Pretense

     Eighteen, is an age that seems to be qualified as an adult but in fact an age of a vague number.  Should I turn into an adult overnight or keep being my parents’ forever-little child during the past eighteen years?

     How is being forever-little possible?  For my parents and all my relatives, I am indeed silly, innocent, and obedient, which is the mask I wear in my family—pretense of immaturity.  However, there is only one motive behind this mask—I do not want to estrange myself from them.

     If I let my rebellious adolescence take control of my behavior and communicated with them in a mature and witty form, right now I would be very likely to sit alone in the cage of loneliness, accused of “being pretentious and autistic.” My maturity and wit, after several of my intentional tests, have been proved a burden, even abnormality or eccentricity, for my family, because they cannot accept the fact that a child who is some thirty years younger than they is able to stultify their so-called assumed-to-be-right principles.  Therefore, I make a pretense.  I pretend that I can identify their logical thinking with mine and that I am still the obedient girl I have always been under the diaper to uniform.

     Is it a lie?  Is it filial obedience?  Because of my empathy I will always wear this mask.  It makes others feel comfortable and trustful; it is removed only when I am all alone.


September, 2003 -- This is the personal statement that got me into an Ivy League school.

I had never called her Aunt, although what she had done for me was much more than what any aunt could do for her niece.  It was something that only a best friend could do.  As a tribute to our relationship, we called each other by our first names as it made us feel more like best friends.

She moved in with us while I was in a time of transition in my life.  I just started my senior high school life in one of the most competitive schools in the country.  I was frustrated and confused with my studies, and usually found myself searching for answers.  Yet every night when I studied alone and struggled to stay awake, she came in my room and sat by me until I finished all my homework.  She was always patient with me, and taught me grammar, an unrest dynasty, or an economic theory better than any teacher that I had ever had in school.  One Friday night, I found myself stuck in the middle of an equation, scribbling all over the paper with little success.  After a while, I began to smell the soothing aroma of Jasmine Tea coming from the kitchen.  She handed me a cup and said,   “Why don’t we take a walk and let the moon and wind wash away your confusion?”  I agreed.

The wind was tender, making my hair billow with it; the night was extraordinarily quiet, as if the whole world was resting.  “Sometimes, forbidding yourself in the compact room is like falling into the abyss of an unsolvable equation.  You have to free your mind.  I know you’re full of inspiration, and that makes you the wealthiest person on earth,” she said.  I kept staring at the old oak tree, while the stars sparkled silently.  “Thinking and exploring are good things; youth and life experiences will solve everything.  Right now you should be thinking how to face the reality and responsibility in life.”

With this wisdom, she unlocked the cage that held my spirit.  I became responsible for my goals and my destiny.  As this occurred, I sought to determine the distinguishing characteristic that would set me apart from others.

Another night, we took a walk alone the street.  She said, “The ancient Chinese used ‘peeping at the moon,’ ‘watching the moon,’ and ‘flirting with the moon’ as simile to studying at different ages.  If you are always stuck in trivial problems and never composed, when are you going to find the fun of flirting with the moon?”  She was very familiar with my silence.  Once again, my aunt suddenly became my best friend, and again my life had been transformed.  If I limited myself to a small corner, the whole world would shrink upon me, and I would never appreciate the full extent of the universe.  My aunt had broadened my horizons by helping me realize that I must keep my problems in perspective.  After this exchange, my days continued to grow brighter and brighter.  Occasionally, I still lost myself in contemplation, but after discovering that a certain problem was unsolvable, I would curtail my doubt in the interest of a greater inner peace.

The wisdom and friendship that my aunt has given me is equaled by no other.  She has undoubtedly changed my life.  I have never called her Aunt, as the friendship between us can never be titled.

 

Dear X

Dear X,

You didn't show up today. I looked everywhere for your sign but couldn't find any. I feel scared. I'm terribly afraid if you're not there. I can't keep living my life knowing that I am in fact destined to be alone. Are you there?

I have received significant coaching for the past 18 months. My coach's main message to me is that I really don't need you to fill in a piece of puzzle in my life. But I'm afraid that's never the case for me. If a person alone can be whole, then people don't necessarily need to get married. Yes, I know people who have never been married. But I cannot be one of them. I might be genetically defected or have developed inadequately. I need you to be here so I can keep living. Is that why you're leaving me?

I'll try to look again tomorrow. I want you to just show up and hug me and tell me everything's fine now. Tell me you want to hold me forever and never let anybody else hurt me again.

I love you,

J

A letter to you

Dear X,

I'm writing you because I can no longer hang in there. I've been feeling so much pain in my left chest. My heart is so broken that I don't know if I alone can make it stop hurting one day. Where are you?

I crave to be in your arms. I need you here right now. I am a very nice warm-hearted girl who just can't get what she wants. I've been praying for your existence since I was a child. When I was a child, I imagined that you would come to my rescue in a helicopter. You'd fly over my head and grab me on the bridge. And we'd live happily ever after.

But this time I'm really in despair. I'm beginning to doubt your existence. I'm wondering why you would let me be so lonely and scared if you truly love me. Why would you let me be alone for such a long time and let me suffer all the bad times by myself? Are you really there for me or do you really love me?

Are you on your way to find me? Or would you like me to find you? I feel so tired trying to find you now. I waited and waited and completed one goal after another in order to fly all over the world to meet you, but you never showed up. I patiently waited for years so I could move myself from one place to another to meet you somewhere I thought you might be. But you weren't there. Now it's your turn. I want you to come find me. I'll be waiting right here, right now.

I can't stand being alone for another day. I want you to be here with me. We'll be there for each other. I might not be sweet all the time because I'm highly sensitive and emotional. I get triggered by small things easily, but I do feel happy easily too. If you show up and give me a smile, I might feel happy all day long. If you cook me something simple just because you care about me, I feel happy too. I might even cry just knowing that you want to make me happy. Then you'd kiss me on my cheeks with my tears rolling down. You might even ask, "why do you cry so much?"

You know I can love unconditionally if you do that to me too. I'm very caring and I can take care of you. I can make you lunch bags every day and shower you with my love. But before I do all that, I want you to please stop hiding and just be here with me. Please never leave me alone again. My world is scary. I want to be with you so I can be more courageous and continue to live my life. Knowing that you're there I can fight fearlessly. Only knowing you're there I can build an even better life. I can provide you with the same power and be there for you while you fight for us.

I'm on my way to work now. Please give me a sign and give me strength so I can continue to know you're there looking for me. Drop me a flower, give me a phone call, or just show up. I really need this to know you're there. Please don't blame me for being childish and weak.

I love you,

J

Faith

“The greatest impact that can be made in a boy’s life is the wisdom shared by his father.” ~ Jonathon Aslay

Son, as you’re about to embark on your own and leave the family home, I want to share with you a little advice about women and sex.

You may not know this, but chances are your hormones are on overdrive right now, and you will feel this surge and thirst for women and sex.

This drive is normal, but I want you to heed the following:

1. FORGET THE JOKES ~ Throughout your life, you will hear jokes about women and how complicated they are, how they nag and how needy they are, that they don’t want sex after they have the wedding, etc. Just like men, women have flaws, so don’t listen to the jokes and especially don’t buy into them. Take the time to get to know each woman individually and make your own assessments, and remember jokes about women only serve to belittle, not inspire.

2. DON’T FOLLOW YOUR PEERS ~ If your friends want to go to a strip club all in the name of fun, please say NO. These places only serve to objectify women, and men there mostly treat women as property. Furthermore, your friends will talk about “banging” women as if they’re a piece of meat, and while it might sound funny, IT’S NOT. Your friends will talk about having conquests, but I taught you how to capture a woman’s heart.

3. BEWARE OF WHAT YOU WATCH ~ Men are visual creatures, and nothing arouses us more than pornography. Some might say it’s harmless, but the truth is, the more you watch or read porno with fantasy, the more you’ll be desensitized to the actual physical experience of making love. The wonder that is a woman’s body will simply pass you by. Nothing on this earth is more amazing than the REAL touch of a woman who loves you and wants you.

4. YOU CAN’T COUNT ON THEORY ~ In theory, friends with benefits (FWB) sounds like a good idea because you get all the sex with none of the emotional responsibility. But here’s the thing: while the sex may be incredible with a FWB, usually one person begins to have feelings for the other, and then one of you is going to get hurt or hurt the other. No matter how open you are with each other, FWB relationships rarely ever work and you usually lose a friend—that’s a fact.

5. SAFE SEX ~ My guess is that I don’t have to talk to you about this one as you’ve learned all this in school about diseases and getting pregnant. But just as a reminder, raising a child is a HUGE responsibility and lasts a lifetime. So wait to start a family when you are in love, married, and have a good job and home.

Sometimes women aren’t completely honest about being on birth control because they want to have a baby with you, so make sure you take care of yourself. As far as diseases, it’s not worth the risk. A onetime thrill is not worth a lifetime of meds.

6. BEWARE OF THE CHEMISTRY DECEPTION ~ When you feel so drawn to a woman and feel out of control believing you’re in love, take a step back. Remember this: chemistry is really brain chemicals like testosterone and dopamine running amok, which is like being on crack cocaine. This will cloud your mind, and you might make decisions in haste.

Real love takes time to develop, and don’t say, “I love you” unless you will honestly care for them not only in the good times, but also in the bad.

7. BE TRUE TO YOUR WORD AND TO YOURSELF~ You might be tempted to say anything to get sex or to lie to get what you want. I’ve done my best to teach you the value of honesty and integrity, and this includes your feelings as well. Manipulating a woman by telling her you are more into her than you really are just to get sex is tantamount to lying, even if you think it’s true. You should never have to convince your partner to sleep with you. She will want it just as much as you do when you’re in love.

8. DON’T ACCEPT A CHEAP THRILL ~ One-time sex might seem exciting in the moment, but you’re usually left with a ton of regret in the morning. You’ll be tempted to sleep with as many women as you can, but most of those encounters will mean nothing. To sleep with someone you hardly know might even feel like a conquest, but you have nothing to prove. Although your friends and the media will disagree with me, it’s more impressive to sleep with one woman a thousand ways than to sleep with a thousand women.

9. REACHING NEW HEIGHTS ~ Last, nothing really compares to the mind-blowing experience of connecting with one special woman you deeply care about when making love. I can’t stress this enough…making love is when two people come together fully present both physically and emotionally. In this moment, you will feel heaven on earth.

Take time to nurture a relationship starting with friendship, and when you can make love to your best friend, the feeling will be out of this world.

So there you have it my son, just a few things to remember about women and sex.

If you ever want to talk, I’m HERE.

With love,
Your Dad (Jonathon Aslay)

Again

"Among millions of people you meet whom you meet; in millions of years, the infinite prairie of time, not a step early nor a step late, just in time, having nothing else to say, you only ask softly, 'oh, you're here too?'"

Recently I met another guy online. He's almost two months younger than me, slightly shorter than me, but seemed to care a lot about me. On Wednesday night, he worked really late but was in a suit and wanted to meet me in person in a suit. At the beginning I felt hesitant because I wanted to meet at a proper date rather than a 24-hour convenience store in my neighborhood. But then I thought about it and figured we should just meet each other in person as soon as possible before all the constant texting went to waste. So I said yes. We met at the convenience store and he bought me a soda. I was feeling nervous and so was he. But I was feeling happy talking to him, even though he was quite short and dorky.

Because there were drunk people at the convenience store and I didn't like the noise and other people around, I offered him to come to the roof garden at my condo building. It was dark, quiet, and we were alone in the skyline of high rise buildings. As we continued to talk, I told him I was blushing so much that all my blood flow was racing through my head and I was sweating already. He said he was going to do something that'd make me blush more and then he kissed me. It was the first time that I kissed someone who was shorter than me and of my own ethnicity on a first date. When I kissed back, I let go all of the uncertainty I had about him and just accepted him completely. I do this every time when I kiss a man. I can never kiss casually.

Then we made out, in the roof garden and then back in my apartment. I didn't want to take him back to my apartment but he lied and told me he was going to use my bathroom. But he didn't spend the night here.

The next day the amount of messages significantly decreased. Just like every other time. On Friday I messaged him and told him that I felt very sad about my love life situation. Then he offered his company and came to my place. He brought a movie and in the middle of it he started to kiss me again. Then we just made out for a few hours. I liked those things we did in bed. We talked about a lot of things from our past. We kissed passionately, a lot. At that moment and in the morning followed, I felt secure. I felt like I could trust him and he felt the same way about me.

Today I had another unimpressive blind date in the afternoon. Some time after my brunch DK texted me again. I initiated a conversation about us. I wanted to know if he liked me and all that. He just wasn't sure. Then I cried my eyes out for hours as I got home. Eventually I told him we should stop talking to each other until he knows what to do with me. He knows that I'll say yes if he asks me out on a proper date as he mentioned before, like a dinner date, movie, or a long stroll along the river. If I never hear from him again, I know life has taken another thing I like away from me again.

All I want is someone who can hold me tight when I cry. Is this that difficult? How do I keep up my faith?