How to forgive?

Tonight I watched 500 Days of Summer. It's quite realistic, but not there yet. Because let me tell you what, the character of Summer should be portrayed by a guy and the character of Tom should be portrayed by a woman. More than one of my exes found their "the one" right after dating me, and one of them is now engaged, while the reason he broke up with me was that he did not want a serious relationship. These movies always like to pretend that men are the innocent gullible hurt one, but in real life, women are. However, the audience like it this way, and that is why He's Just Not That Into You didn't get such good reviews. Objectively speaking, He's Just Not That Into You is a better portrait of real life than 500 Days of Summer.

Last night when I was trying to sleep, I was imagining in my head a couple of conversations with Richard and Ivan, separately. But I asked them the same questions: What do I need to be good enough for you? Better skin? Skinnier? Bigger boobs? Nose job? To be smarter? More sex? Lots of sex? Success in career? Wealth in my family? More hard-to-get games? What does she have that I don't have? What do I lack? And what do I lack so you don't want to ever see me again?

But they were still unable to answer these questions, and I dropped some tears.

Given up again

Having given up on romance, I am also giving up on my career pursuit. After all the rejections, I believe that the mistake I made during my last job was an unforgivable and irremovable scar that ruins my resume forever. I am stuck in this place forever. I will have to do what I don't really like to do forever.

Now I've even lost the point of living. People are always telling me to forgive myself and to allow myself to be happy, but you know what, I can't be happy unless I am successful in everything I do. Now, since I have failed everything, there is no way I am going to forgive myself. Life is a painful journey to death. What is the point, really?

Given up

I have given up on pursuing romance, not from Ian, or anyone. I claim defeat here.

Last night I had a pretty long conversation with him on the phone about my brother's car accident. Basically every of our conversations is composed of despise and demeaning against one another. It's fun to do that. But last night he actually hit me with one thing -- he called me judgmental; he thought that I judge everyone according to their material achievement, such as what school a person went to, what advanced degree a person has, how much money a person makes, etc. The reason why we verbally attack each other all the time is because we both assume that the other person's ego is so huge that it could only be hurt by the person himself/herself; at least that was what he thought of me. However, I admit last night being called judgmental did get my ego.

There, I declare my defeat in this game with Ian. Ivan said that I don't give others opportunities to learn what's inside my head; he's right, and this time I am not going to try either. I am not going to defend myself in front of Ian concerning this, and if he continues to believe that I am an arrogant bossy materialistic nazi bitch then let it be, because I once knew someone who saw right through me without knowing me for a long time.

All of my best friends, close friends, good friends are not as academically/professionally accomplished as me. In fact, I don't even think they make as much money as I do either (although I am still jobless right now). In addition, I love dogs and children and I hate abusers of animals and children to an extreme. I joked about school stuff with Ian because I thought it wouldn't hurt him and I enjoyed bragging about it in front of him because there is nothing else I can be proud of myself other than my intellectual achievement. I don't want to apologize either because he never made it clear that my joke hurt his ego and I don't want to get rid of my ego again for men.

It feels not bad to be a quitter. In fact, I think I have never quit before; I always persisted until I get a blatant rejection from the man right on my head. I have realized that no matter what I do, I can never make a man write something for me. Ian said he writes songs to girls, and I envied those girls, so I figured maybe I could get him write some stuff for me one day. Ian said he once wrote a book for his ex-girlfriend; the book was handwritten and consisted things he wanted to say to her on every page. It turned out that his ex-girlfriend asked him to stop giving her gifts like this and that she preferred gifts that are more tangible, like jewelry, electronics, etc. My response was that if someone wrote a 365-page book like that for me I would be constantly happy for the whole year. No one I have been with has ever written anything for me, not even romantic emails, I believe. Even though Richard wrote something like that in his blog, I can't be sure it was really about me anyway. In conclusion, I will never be treated as a princess because they all think I am already the king.

Bad habits

Today I've been trying really hard to convince myself that Ian doesn't like me and that I don't care about him either.

Then it just feels so sad to realize that it is impossible to find another Ivan in my life. No one else in the world will treat me like he did. No one else in the world can tolerate my childishness and nonsense and read every forwarded emails that bothered me for me. Everyone else will push me to that fine line. No one else will accept me saying those three words first. No one else will let me be a spoiled baby. In fact, it is also impossible to make another man attached to me.

Why did I fuck it up? Ivan said it was actually my fault; I was a control freak. I find it very difficult to forgive myself.

I wish I could be more mature like every other fucking adult. They take everything so easily, even rejections, heartbreaks, failures, etc.

Just got another rejection from a dream place last Saturday. Mrs. Johanson asked me why others could get in but I could not. I got mad and replied, "so you basically just want me to admit that those people are better than me."

I really should stay more focused on money than on men.

Oops! I did it again...

OK so last night I hung out with Ian as scheduled. We met up at 6 p.m. and had dinner together and then we went to a Belgian bar. The laughter was nonstop; when I said nonstop, it was really NONSTOP. Basically we laughed after every single sentence. Seriously. It was too much fun. After the Belgian bar we were wandering on the streets and eventually ended up hanging out at my undergraduate college at midnight.

My college was so cool after midnight. There were so many dark corners and we bumped into couples hiding in the dark everywhere! For most of the time we were talking about "the ugly truth"; not the movie but the real ugly truth between men and women. I was surprised that my local hometown boy is actually much more experienced than me in some ways; he even experienced the danger of getting killed by local gangs, being infatuated by four women simultaneously at one occasion (although I don't know how hot those women were), being hungover with complete memory loss, etc. The whole night was really too funny. Compared to his life I think mine is so boring, but then, as a career girl I am actually unable to handle too much risk like he does.

Last night I also made new records--we shared our first cigar and for the first time in my life I made out with a local man. Last night got cold all of a sudden and none of us had enough clothes so it was really freezing on campus. We both had a little dizziness and madness after a little alcohol and cigar so we were teasing all the time. At some point he was bragging to me about his 8-pack muscles again and I really wanted to check it out. Finally he let me feel his chest muscles and nipples and I got addicted, because I then realized I hadn't touched such hard muscles for at least 2 years, and it was just hot. I was secret attacking him constantly. And then, we hugged; and then, we kissed, after 3 a.m.

His skills were impressive. I would say he's probably one of the top 3 best kissers on my list. One thing for sure is that he is a better kisser than Ivan. We first kissed for a very long time, somewhere on campus, and damn there were quite many students walking around the campus at 3 o'clock in the morning, but not that I cared. After a little pause of awkward silence we did it again. Then we were walking out of the campus to the street, and then we did it again on the street. Then we crossed the street to the subway station, and we did it again in a dark corner near the subway station. A flashing police car came near drove past and I freaked out a little bit because the lights looked like camera flash, and then we continued. LOL.

Oh well, it was a fun night wasn't it. But you know what, I am so jaded right now that I hope for nothing. There's no more insecurity and all that infatuation crap. I am no longer making any imagination out of this. I will remember the night, but that's it. If he wants something more then we'll see. From my perspective, if he does something cheesy/cheap/awful to me, I can always convince myself that he was just a new record I made merely for fun. I will let no one hurt me ever again. No one.

What is going on?!?!

OK the match-making issue is gone. Last night I was talking to Tin and she said she didn't want to meet Ian anymore. The reason was that she just realized she is really overweight (her BMI is 28) and giving someone handsome a bad first impression was too stressful for her. So we called it off.

Then I texted Ian about this before I went to bed, and he called me in the morning. He said that he was still buying me dinner and we'll hang out this weekend and he didn't even ask why Tin called it off. LOL. He even wants to pick me up with his motorbike although one of his arms is currently broken. God I'm trying not to imagine what will happen when we meet up; I'm trying to convince myself that we'll meet up just like how we did it 2 years ago--lots of laughters and nonstop talking.

Today my brother told me that Ivan sent him messages about me on Facebook. He refused to tell me what those messages were about, but he didn't bother to reply to those messages anyway. My last conversation with Ivan was very brutal; there was a lot of anger and madness and he still didn't tell me why D is a better option than me. But you know what, fuck all men. I can tell him right now why Ian is a better option than him; in fact, I can tell him right now why and how all my possible options on the list are better than him, even though I am not that desperate and horny to date anyone on the list at the moment, unlike Ivan.

If Barbie can be successful and single, so can I.

Happy Birthday

Today was my birthday. It turned out that many people remembered my birthday and wished me happy. Indeed, those who I assumed cared about me did not write me anything, not even on Facebook, while there are quite many people who I've almost forgotten about wished me happy.

Obviously, Ivan forgot about it too.

Recently I've been contacting Ian a lot because of the match-making issue. A couple of nights ago he called me; he said he was bored and wanted to talk to me. I was in the middle of an online game so the conversation lasted for only a while. Then I realized, I sweated when answering the phone; I was nervous. I think my 14-year-old crush on him is back now, but now we're both grownups. He's jaded, and I'm jaded. He still has the ability to make me laugh the whole time during every conversation, but when I really think about dating him I just feel scared. In fact, I feel scared to date anyone again. Even making out with anyone scares me because I am really fragile right now. Being close to someone makes me happy but I just can't accept any failure again. In fact, given a little alcohol I would totally make out with Ian; in fact, it would be a new adventure for me to date someone from my hometown because I've never done that before; and in fact, he lives on the same street with me but somehow we have never bumped into each other in the neighborhood during the past 10 years.

Turning 24, I try to convince myself that being single is amazing because I am open to anyone; I no longer have to avoid checking out and flirting with hot men; the freedom is really there, but the loneliness and fear are really there too.

I wish I could be a stronger person. [Blowing out the candle]