The City of Money

The City of Money is irresistible. I must relocate there soon.

The new season of How I Met Your Mother is also irresistible. "Timing is the bitch," says Robyn. The first episode kind of gets to me when Ted thinks he's believing less and less every day. This is exactly what's happening to me now. I used to be such a romantic girl who dreams and believes in everything yet now I just find myself 3 years ago amusing and stupid.

Me and Cato hung out a lot during our business trip to the City of Money. We got to know each other better and I'm quite surprised knowing that he, as a highly intelligent and successful 22-year-old man, is actually not very happy. In fact it's not that hard for me to figure him out because we have a very similar background--went to elite schools since kindergarten and pressured to excel by our parents. But his situation is worse because his family has too many overachievers while I am the only overachiever in mine. He was also very surprised by my perceptiveness. Anyway, we had fun during this trip; our conversation on the train reminds me of the opening of Before Sunrise.

I am feeling less insecure now. Indeed, I feel quite secure because I have let go of all the expectations. I will care about Cato regardless and I believe he's interested too. Let's see how things go and if he's a jerk.

Withdrawn Again.

I have decided to withdraw myself from opening up to Cato. Yes, it took me only one day to get so scared and quit the game.

From his Facebook photos I can tell that he's popular among women and probably has a girlfriend that I don't know. Besides, the fact that he's so young means there is no way he wants to settle down right now.

And I, am going nowhere again. I have been single for almost two years and haven't touched a guy for more than a year. Why is it so hard for me to date again? Guys I like don't want to date me while guys I don't like are all over me. I am surrounded by a lot of men in my life actually but I haven't dated anyone of them. The fear for even getting intimate to a man is so overwhelming that I even find it incredible to withdraw within only one day. One day. That's the maximum amount of time I can open up to someone. Seriously?

Sometimes I wish I could scream; sometimes I wish I could eat nothing but ice cream all day. Unfortunately I can't do none of those. And my dog Baby is not here with me either. I need something that I can indulge myself in. Yes, my career. I am going on a big business trip this week to the City of Money. But damn, Cato is going on the trip too.

Indulge, indulge, indulge. I don't want to face any of the reality. The reality is anyone with a penis cannot be trusted, including my own father. I cannot imagine investing so much time, energy, and soul to another man like I did to Ivan. I don't think I'll be able to handle another failed relationship. A failed relationship does not limit to a relationship that doesn't work; it kills to see your loved one actually thinks about someone else all the time. It is really suicidal.

I think I need to speak with my therapist soon. I have so many "friends" in my life yet I can only speak with my therapist about this.

The passionate path of no one but me.

Today I was walking around in the city by myself and did some photoshooting. I was very surprised by the solitude and quietness of this place after being flooded by more than one thousand people's sweat and scream at a night club. While I was strolling down this path in this lovely neighborhood, I realized I was the only person on the street to see those passionate blossoms.

All of a sudden I became aware of the fact that I was lonely. Last night I had fun with Cato. We became familiar with each other very recently although we've known each other for more thana year now and somehow we get along really well. I have to say that the wisest things I've heard in my life all come from Cato. More interestingly, he's three years younger than me but he's already more successful than me.

Last night I think if I had more alcohol we could have hooked up already. But I was too sober to hurt our friendship and besides I'm not sure if he was being extremely nice to me last night or he's just nice to everyone in general. He did spend most of his attention and time on me though and he was a total gentleman to walk a mile with me to home, although he was supposed to hang out with his friends. And then I paid the cab for him to get home.

Am I ready to date? Am I good enough to date Cato? I have lost 10lb and still have 7lb to go. But the appearance is not what concerns me most; am I smart to enough to date Cato? He's an incredibly bright and nice guy and I am so scared of not being able to be a good girlfriend, like before. Life is so easy to just walk alone in the city and stop by a coffee shop whenever I want to. I would love it if someone could join me but I would hate it if someone I care about does not want to join me. It's the negation from the person I care about that hurts and the only way it does not hurt is not to open up my heart.

Why is evolution such a contradiction? Human beings are supposed to procreate yet evolution dictates this mechanism that prevents people from dating after being hurt over and over again. Is this the biggest flaw in the theory of evolution?

I need to stop thinking about this; I am best at running away, withdrawing feelings, and finding excuses. There is no way I'd fervently pursue anyone like I did to Ivan, Richard, or whoever. No way. If they don't come to me, then I won't feel a thing. If nobody comes to me, then I'll marry my career and my dog.

Cato is a dependable guy; I think he's someone I can trust completely. Should I try or not?

Friends.

A couple of days ago I just found out that Ivan's new girlfriend are already friends with two of my friends on Facebook. I'm wondering if I should delete those two friends or just deactivate Facebook. When I was dating him he gave me all that crap about how I could not be his girlfriend unless I was also friends with his friends; after our breakup none of his friends was on my side. How does it even make sense that these people were my friends at all?

Now as I'm trying to get back to the dating scene, I feel even more frustrated. Being single is so much easier. Things from the past have scarred me too much and somehow guys are just no longer attracted to me anymore. Maybe I do appear jaded now, even if I don't mention it. I should try online dating?

I'm missing Ken now. We had fun together, but then he backed out. I don't understand why men do that. They initiate things and then back out, like I don't care, but I do care, and I act like I don't care after finding out they stop caring. I miss the time we shopped furniture together; I also miss the time he drove me to work. I miss the time he made me laugh and the time I made him laugh. This weekend I plan to grab a coffee alone at the college town where Ken did his undergrad; I want to spend one lazy afternoon seeing what he used to see ten years ago and hanging out where he used to be.

Should I also get over Ken and move on to other men? I keep my options open but no one has shown interest yet.

My company is offering an opportunity to go to a place that's only several hours away from Ivan's hometown and they're paying for everything. It'd be interesting to see the place where Ivan and Richard come from.