Another Christmas Spent Alone

I've been watching the Final Page from How I Met Your Mother for a year. For the past year, I have not once not cried at those 40 minutes. Those two episodes give me so much hope in love.

Last night was Christmas Eve. Alex and I agreed to watch Love Actually together at my place. We were both hesitant at the beginning because we were afraid of doing something stupid but then I said he could crash on my couch after the movie and we wouldn't sleep together. He said, "So be it."

After work at around 9 or 10pm, I called his cellphone twice but no answer. My first clue was that he was going to bail out and it was going to be another Christmas by myself. Eventually he returned my call because he and his former coworkers were having a very late dinner so he arrived at my place at around midnight. Before that, I broke down and cried on the carpet in my living room because I thought he was going to stand me up and stop talking to me. When he called me on the phone, he told me there was no reason for him not to come to see me. When we finally saw each other at midnight in front of my building, we hugged for a long time and he kissed me on the right cheek. I said, "I cried for 15 minutes. I thought you weren't coming." He hugged me tightly and then we went back to my place.

We kissed in the elevator, and then in my apartment. He said he missed me and I said the same thing to him. I felt so happy because he stuck with me. We made out for a while and then decided to watch the movie.

As the movie played on TV, we were hand in hand with interlocked fingers, I was in his arms from time to time, and sometimes he held me to his chest. Eventually we started to make out again and didn't watch the whole thing.

It was very gentle. He has a great body and I just couldn't resist the warmth of our bodies staying together. I just wanted to completely melt into the moment without worrying the consequences. We said a bunch of sweet words to each other. Both of us had our panties on. I didn't touch his penis at all but he did hand stuff to me. Before we fell asleep, he said merry Christmas to me and I reciprocated.

In the morning both of us slept in. After he woke up, he started to hug me, touch me, kiss me, and we were making out again. This took probably and hour before we decided to get lunch and I had to take a shower.

Before I took a shower, I gathered up all my courage and asked him something that I wanted to ask a couple of days ago. I said, "Hey I need to tell you something. I really like you, but I feel uncomfortable about your girlfriend situation. What do you think I should do?"

He paused for a second and told me that he'd give an answer after I showered.

After shower, I asked, "So?" I was feeling so nervous that I put my hands on my stomach and pressed my hands against it so tightly.

He said, "Let's go to lunch?"
I said, "No, I mean your answer."
He said, "Oh...I think we should be friends for now."

I felt so much pain and couldn't speak a word. I started to frown and cry. I turned my back against him and held myself tightly as I cried. Minutes later, I collapsed. I first crouched myself and supported my head with my knees. Then my legs got tired so I sat down on the carpet and continues to hold my knees tightly and cried. He finally came over to me and asked me to sit on the couch. He started to comfort me but my tears were exploding from a well of pain. I asked him, "why", repeatedly.

He said, "it's not your problem; it's mine." But that's such a lame line. Every man and every show uses that. I kept asking. He then said, "you deserve a better man." This is the line I hate most. Because every man tells me that but none of them wants to be with me.

I continued to ask why. He said it was the timing. He had unresolved business. I said I was afraid that I wasn't a lovable person and he said, "you are lovable. You're a great girl. You're smart, charming..." He held me in his arms like a baby and I couldn't hear him anymore because my hearing was blocked by my own tears.

I said, "if it was just once or twice then I'd believe you. But after ten times, twenty times, thirty times, it's so difficult to believe again." He said, "are you exaggerating?" I said, "no. I've been rejected by about twenty guys...it's getting more and more difficult to have the courage and hope again. Every time it takes me even more courage to open up to a guy than the last time. And it's so hard to believe again..."

He said, "you're only 27. My sister never had a boyfriend until last year." I dismissed that argument, "she's younger than me. And she has a boyfriend."

"Do I mean anything to you," I asked. "Of course," he said. "Do you like me?" "Of course. That's why I want to be here." I asked, "Do you want to marry her?" He said, "I don't know." I continued, "Do you think there will never be a chance for us to be together?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "So we can't hang out again because I will always wonder if there will be a chance..." He said, "I know. A month ago, we didn't even know each other." I continued, "well, the night I went to the Red Room was the first time in the past 4 months that I was available on a Saturday night. Before that night I had to work 7 days per week and couldn't go anywhere."

"Why is it so easy for other people? After a week or two, they're together. A year or two, they're married. And I can't even go beyond the first month." He said, "because they're just average people." "I want to be average!"

I continued to say, "I'm afraid." He said, "whatever you're afraid of, it doesn't exist." I said, "I'm afraid I'll never see you again, like everybody else. Everyone in my life has left me like this. They don't know where I am, whether I'm dead or alive." He hugged me and said, "don't say that about yourself. It's not true. You will see me again. I know where you live. I might run into you at the gym. Or I will take your classes."

I told him, "I have kept everything. The box of the Godiva biscuits, our tickets to Cirque de Soleil, and a paper butterfly from the show. And as soon as  I finish this Godiva chocolate bar, I'm gonna keep the wrappings too."

He said, "oh I kept one of the paper butterflies too." I said, "Also, I'm afraid to look back every time we part." He said, "I know. That's why you never look back." I said, "because I'm afraid when I look around you're not there. I'm afraid that you leave before I do." He said, "No I always stay until you're gone first."

"I like your apartment. It's very cozy," he said. "It's cozy but I'm always alone." He said, "I'm always alone too." "You have a girlfriend." He said, "I have a mom."

That's the last thing I can remember from our conversation before we parted. We hugged tightly in front of my building again. I said, "bye," with so much sadness in my eyes and voice. After I walked back inside of my building, I turned around. He was gone.

I cried so much during the day. I had to get ready for my big lecture tonight. Fortunately tonight it turned out to be the smallest class I've ever taught, with less than 20 people. My tears just rolled down my face while I was on the subway. My face was expressionless.

After the lecture, I walked around in the city. I typed half of this entry on a balcony of a shopping mall, overlooking the city. It was a dark corner. I saw a big Christmas tree in front of the shopping center saying "Warm Christmas." I saw a Burberry ad with a man and a woman kissing passionately. I saw two high school kids hugging on the walkway. What is love? It feels so good to be in someone's arms, knowing that these arms will protect you, support you, and bring you warmth. My tears couldn't stop rolling down my face, and they still can't. I'm alone again on Christmas. My friends are gone. Ken is gone. Every man is gone. I miss Ivan. We had a great time together. I was completely a girl and he loved it. He was the biggest support and love I have ever had. I had no fear of anything at all. Why did it end? Why were we in a long distance? Why did I have to be expelled? It's been four years since we broke up. I've been single since then. Are you a dad now?

I thought this year could be a miracle. It ends just as badly as 2011, when Cato broke up with me right before the holidays. Why am I so alone? I just want to be with someone so much and yet it's so difficult. X, where are you? Can you hear me screaming at you? I feel so lonely. I can't see the meaning of life at all. Without love, the world means nothing to me. Life means nothing to me. I've traveled across the globe trying to find you, and I've looked highs and lows. You're not there. Where are you?

I typed the second half of this entry at a bookstore and then on the subway. My tears continued to roll down on my expressionless face in public. How many tears do I have? Will my tears be drained out someday? On my way home, I kept saying, "please kill me. I don't want to live anymore." And my tears continued to roll down. I want to be lucky one more time, and this time it will be forever. I prayed and prayed. I wrote down everything and kept everything in hope for getting lucky this time. Why am I so weak and vulnerable? Other women would feel it's no big deal because we barely know each other. How many times have I cried for men I've only been on a few dates with? For example, Greg and I only went out twice. Although our first date was instant connection that we talked for 6 hours straight at a cafe, he didn't feel sad for saying never to see me again. I, on the other hand, cried again.

Maybe, none of these things is a sign from the universe. Maybe there isn't any power in the universe, in life, or fate. I thought all the coincidences with Alex, such as Andrew, why I went to the Red Room that night, had no relevance. They don't count towards our serendipity. Maybe it was just statistics. There were no reasons at all. Maybe I can't keep believing that everything happens for a reason and everything is meant to take me somewhere. Maybe I just walk towards to death. End it all. Please end all my pain.