Fading Away

I've dated quite some guys since moving back home. Only one of them asked out on a second date but then he disappeared after our second date and I haven't heard from him for more than a month now. All the guys I dated have faded away.

Recently I've been dating a 43-year-old German guy, Mark, more regularly. By more regularly I mean once or twice per week but he doesn't really text or call me in between dates. He's financially stable for sure but emotionally I'm not so sure. He has had a string of one night stands yet I'm a virgin. I don't know if he is emotionally ready. We've been on five dates so far and we haven't done anything intimate yet. The most intimate thing we've done is that I took a nap on his couch after work. We were supposed to go to a museum last Saturday but I felt too tired from work in the morning and asked him to let me nap at his place. But still, we didn't do anything sexual.

----Today-----

So Mark took me out this afternoon after my work in the morning. We went to a fancy hotel bar by a swimming pool. I told him the day before that I didn't like the neighborhood because it's always crowded but he insisted because there are good restaurants in that neighborhood. I told him that I don't always need to go to a fancy restaurant and what I really want is care and attention. So we had non-alcoholic drinks and small bites by the pool and chat. An hour later I asked him, "why do you seem so tensed today? You don't seem happy." He said, "stress." I asked, "work?" He said, "yeah." I asked, "what is it?" He was silent. I continued, " you're moving to China?" He said "yeah I just found out last week." That was also why he didn't respond to my messages the past week. I was in a big shock and said "what?!" Then I started crying by the pool. He took me for a walk in a nearby park and we sat on a bench. I kept crying and he held me in his left arm on his chest. Then we went to buy water because I was dehydrated. I wanted to get my umbrella from his apartment. He kept asking me if he could bring it to me next time he saw me and I said no because I'd cry again if I saw him again after today.

We went back to his place. He went to the bathroom and I crawled up like a ball on his couch and continued to cry. I cried so much that both of us fell asleep. It took me so much courage to trust him and myself and I have finally met someone who treats me with kindness and is sensitive to my feelings but now he has to leave. He held me and after some time he kissed me. I had to convince myself that the age wasn't a problem as long as he treats me with all his heart. Now I realize I'm not as important as his job. Similar situations have happened to me so many times. Each time I really want to say to the guy, "choose me, over whatever you're afraid to lose." But nobody chooses me. They always choose someone else.

After PB was gone Mark came along. I started to believe that it's really true that everything happens in life is meant to bring me to a better place. But then it all fell apart again. I want to re-assure myself that another better man will show up in no time but it's so hard to do so when I am feeling this sad.

Rollercoaster Emotions

Again, I can't believe that I haven't written anything for almost a month even though I don't have a full-time job at the moment. A couple of teaching jobs have kept me busy. My family also brought up too many old emotions since I came back.

I feel dread. I feel anger and sadness welling up. I'm afraid I might have depression again because I can't seem to find the light in life. I feel quite stuck. In fact my life would be quite lovely if I didn't have to worry about my parents' inability to take care of themselves. I would feel no stress at all if I didn't have to see a retired banker who lost all his pension in the stock market twice within 3 years and spending so much money buying lottery tickets every day hoping to be a billionaire some day. I would feel no guilt for my lack of ambition in career if I didn't have to see a low self-esteem woman still unable to leave this man and get trapped in this jail.

If those two people were not miserable they wouldn't put so much hope in me and I wouldn't need to feel guilty. I need to conquer this guilt feeling while still living with them.

I had a good first date today. I feel quite positive about it.