The Box

A couple of days ago, I finished the Godiva chocolate biscuits from Alex. Instinctively, I threw away the inner box. Just as I was about to throw away the outer box, I stared at it for 30 seconds and decided to keep it.

I remember how I felt when he pulled it out from his backpack that night. I felt so surprised and sweet that I almost sweat. I know sweating seems to be a weird physiological response but that was how thrilled I was. He remembered that I like chocolate and he made the correct inference that strawberry milk heart would appeal to me because strawberry Haagen Dazs is my favorite.

I looked at the box again this morning for minutes, and then I cried. I secretly hope that this relationship will go till we die so I'm beginning to keep everything from this relationship. I have not done that with any man since Brad. Brad was the first guy I kissed and dated for a month. Then he told me that he wasn't emotionally available because he was bipolar. Anyway, I miss that kind of first puppy love feeling so much. I have never had that. I sort of had it but it wasn't really puppy love because the guys were emotionally jaded by the time we met. When I was dating Brad, I kept the movie tickets we saw together. Or did I? Actually I don't remember. I've kept movie tickets with several guys, but I never kept the movie tickets with Ken. It was the Transformers. I didn't keep the VIP NBA tickets either because after the game, he just left the ticket on my kitchen table. I left them there for weeks, hesitating about throwing them away because I thought if we had a future together, those tickets would be so romantic. I took a picture of those two tickets. Eventually I threw them away because Ken didn't want to be with me and those tickets didn't mean anything to him either. Maybe that day didn't mean anything to him at all.

So this time, although Alex has a girlfriend, I feel good about him. Remember in the Big Bang Theory when Penny pulled out a box of all the things that Leonerd gave to her, including tiny, trivial things, and even a rose that was so dead and dried. She didn't know if Leonerd was the one but she kept those things anyway. I'm going to do that for Alex.

I'm feeling wells of pain in my chest right now. Those images of men in the past cause me pains. I remember how Cato came back from Japan after Thanksgiving sharing all the pictures with me and bought me a Japanese doll which I still have in my room right now. I thought about throwing it away when I was packing for the City of Gold, but then I decided not to. I thought about throwing it away again when I was packing for the City of Rain, and then I decided not to again. I also still have the book "Inside of the Dog" that Ivan bought me when we were in long distance. This book also traveled with me from the City of Rain, to the City of Power, the City of Gold, and then back to the City of Rain. I barely receive gifts from guys so if I get one, it just feels so sweet. I also have the postcard from Richard in my room. That was the only thing I ever got from him and he was an important man in my life.

And now I'm starting to recall the moment when Richard crashed at my apartment for one night after five years. His shirt shrank because of the dryer and I couldn't help but laugh at his childishness. I said, "didn't you live by yourself for the past six years and you don't know that you can't put a pure cotton shirt in the dryer?"

I am recalling how Cato once opened up to me. He was an awkward person, he was insecure, and he had his emotionally baggage. I appreciated that and saw the kindness in him. I remember the night when he came to my place and kissed me for the first time. I remember the night I first cried in front of him because I felt extremely insecure about his female friend. He came over to hug me and told me that he was sorry that someone hurt me that way. But why did it end?

I just don't want the same thing to repeat with Alex. I saw the introvertedness in him and the kindness and insecurity in him. But what if he's just another Cato? Or JJ? Or everyone else? I feel terrified. And yet I remain strong and stay open about myself, my feelings and my hope. It's very scary but I must do it.

I hope Alex will be the one and all the sweetest things will happen. He won't be able to live without me; he can't resist making me happy; he will choose me and we will write our happily ever after together. Maybe one day we will give a TedTalk together as a couple, making a new history on TedTalk.