Baggage

Two nights ago I bought this book "Facing the Music and Living to Talk About It" by Nick Carter on iTunes. Surprisingly, Nick did a great job in writing this book. He is absolutely right about the whole behavioral pattern and childhood correlation, and I can tell that he must have received therapies from really good (or expensive) coaches and therapists because those theories and observations are accurate to my understanding.

We all carry baggage, but most people are afraid to carry others' baggage. I watched the movie Noel tonight. The middle-age woman, Rose, in the movie carries a lot of baggage. When the sexy young man from work was going to have sex with her, she couldn't do it because of her emotional baggage. He just left like that and acknowledged that it was her problem. He couldn't carry her baggage, which is like most people in the world. But in the end, her mother's doctor Matthew was able to carry her baggage and ask her out on a date. That is love. Love is unconditional. When you're committed, you love no matter what the other person does to screw up. It's like you have a baby and you can't choose your baby. You can only love your baby no matter what. But how many human beings are able to do that? I've never seen that in my family. Nick Carter hasn't either.

I can relate myself to Nick a lot while reading the book--growing up in fear, domestic violence, trying so hard to make sure nothing I do upsets my parents, and money was able to solve everything etc. Speaking of domestic violence, in Noel, there's this guy Jules who is trying to have a Christmas party at the hospital because he got beat up by his stepfather when he was 14 and was sent to the hospital. His mom didn't come to his rescue and visit him in the hospital and he had a Christmas party at the hospital, which was the best thing in his life. When he talks about how he felt that his mom chose his stepfather over him, I could relate to his feelings because that was exactly how I felt when my mom continued to live with my father while I had to grow up in fear.

On Monday night, I told me tutee's mom that I'll be cutting down my hours tutoring at their place because of a new arrange at another school I'm teaching at, which was a lie. It was simply because 1) I need a break and 2) I hate the fact that they squeeze for free hours of tutoring. One of my tutees cried upon hearing that because he felt insecure about his studies without me. After I left their home, I went to OT for a burger.

I arrived there at around 11p. I was trying to make some phone calls to see if a girl from my high school is able to share my workload at this family. After a few tries in vain, my burger arrived and I stopped my mind and looked around. I saw JC's back at the bar. I could tell it was him from just his back. Then I went to tap on his shoulder while he was texting on his phone. He turned around and said, "hey I am just sending you an email right now!"

Then we talked the whole night again. I moved from OT to WB because OT was closing early on Monday. It seemed like this trip made him miss his gf a lot that he has probably decided to marry her and not have kids, which was the opposite of the story he told me the first time we met. Before we parted, he said we should hang out again on Tuesday night because he leaves on Wednesday, and I agreed. Unfortunately, I went to WB on Tuesday night again hoping to see him but he never showed up and never replied to my email either.

I felt angry, frustrated. I hated myself for showing up there while he wasn't. It was like my old pattern again. This time I don't even have feelings for him; I considered him just a friend who happened to look very much like Ken. I also wondered if I make every man realize that their gf is marriageable because I am so not marriageable. On my way back home, I was imagining a conversation with Ken. I literally yelled out to my imagination on the street in the middle of the night. I kept saying, "I hate you! I fucking hate you! How can you do this to me? Where the fuck are you? Where are you when I need you?"

Ken is gone. Completely gone. I don't even know if he is in China now. A big part of my life is gone. A part I tried so hard not to show my feelings to but eventually I still professed my feelings to is gone. Was it my feelings that drove him away? Would it work if I continued to play it cool and kept getting myself hurt secretly? No, I deserve the best. But tonight, I miss you Ken. And I'm going to cry again because of you.

Boys, Men

"This I Promise You"

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..

And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you

I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...

Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..
This I promise you..

Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...

And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby

Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you

Every word I say is true
This I promise you

N'Sync was never my favorite band because obviously the Backstreet Boys were the best. But recently I've been listening to this song over and over again. Justin Timberlake's voice is quite similar to Nick Carter's but I like JC Chasez's voice in the second part of the song. I think JC's voice built the success for this song. Then I watched the video on Youtube. I felt so triggered because it was filmed right in my neighborhood back in the City of Gold. I know every scene, every spot, every building, and even the table the boys were sitting at so well. This is a great song.

I'm now wondering why the Backstreet Boys are the only boy band that's able to hold it together for the longest time. They went through a lot of difficulties as well, such as drugs, but they all managed to mature, settle down, have a family, and get back on their career again. Maybe it's because the Backstreet Boys were formed by chance; they met in Disneyland and never thought they'd write a new chapter in the pop music history. All other boy bands were just copies of the Backstreet Boys, or weren't able to hang in there longer because they're emotionally screwed up. Some of the Backstreet Boys were screwed up at one point, but there was Brian Littrell who's a devoted Christian and his cousin Kevin Richardson and Howie Dorough who are much older than the other boys. I feel these three guys were able to pull the younger ones back together. AJ and Nick are younger than the others and have been outrageous at one point. But they're both back on track and getting married now.

Another interesting thing about the BSB is that they all have boys except AJ. Recently I've come up with a theory that an emotionally unavailable man, or an effeminate man, combined with a masculine woman, are more likely to have daughters. A real man with a feminine, soft woman are likely to have boys. This explains why every woman in my family always gives birth to a girl as their first child. Or why every boy in Blue, the British boy band, gives births to girls, and without marriages, because they're emotionally immature and unavailable.

As I am beginning to see through this mysterious universe and what human beings are made of, I'm changing my life style and valuing how I feel again. Tomorrow I'm going to quit my tutoring job. Although it makes up 30% of my salary, I'm done with their bullshit. I will be able to have 4 days off every week and I'm going to take really good care of myself.

What is the plan?

Tonight I met this Canadian guy from Toronto at the British bar. He's 26 years old, has had 4 serious relationships and 22 girlfriends, i.e. exclusivity. He's just a tourist in the City of Rain and talked to me when I sat down at the bar.

I could sense at the beginning that our encounter would be platonic because he seemed to be an emotionally unavailable person. He smiled and laughed a lot but was like me a couple of years ago. In other words, empty. I could feel that he was empty on the inside although he tried so hard to be bright on the outside.

We started talking nonstop at OT (the British bar). Then he told me he didn't know where to go in the City of Rain, so I proposed that we went to WB (the bar by the swimming pool at the W hotel).

At WB we talked even more, till 1am. His name is Ryan. He's extremely good looking and his face and height are very similar to Eric's. This is an interesting world, and I'm back at the ground zero of "encounter" again. First it was a guy who resemebled Ken that hit it off with me and now there's another guy who looks like Eric but much less mature than Eric. Ryan's smile and some facial expressions made me miss Eric so much. Ryan thinks Eric is not a decent man, although I think Eric is much more decent than Ryan. Oh and they're both from the North.

We didn't exchange any contact information. What is the universe's plan for me? Why hasn't JC emailed me? Where is all this going? Where is Ken now? Has he moved to China? Is he never going to talk to me again? Did he really feel nothing for me?

The universe has a plan.

Do you believe in destiny?

Destiny is a weird thing. Last night I went to my other usual bar in the city. It's a British sports bar but I think it's utterly American. 

I have never been to that bar on a Tuesday night. In fact I have never gone out on a Tuesday night. But I just went to that bar after work on Tuesday. I arrived at around 9pm and I had never been to the bar so early in the evening because of my work schedule. I went in, and all my favorite tables were occupied. I decided to sit at the bar for the first time.

There was a really good looking guy sitting at the bar. I sat down a chair next to him. The bar had a promotion on Tuesday nights. Tuesday nights are pastas nights. You get buy one and get one free on all pastas. Unfortunately I was alone so I couldn't share the deal with anyone. I decided to ask that single guy next to me.

He told me he was full, but then told me that I should just order anything I wanted and he'd buy me a drink so it was like a half priced deal for me. I was surprised and said thank you. That was how we started our conversation that lasted past midnight.

His name is JC, from the City of Angels. He's 35 years old, has a 45-year-old girlfriend for one year. The most interesting coincidence on Tuesday night was that he looks very much like Ken. His looks, facial expression, and body language all reminded me of Ken. His age, and his height too. Then I told him about Ken, and showed him our last text messages to each other. Then I remembered that I mentioned in that one last text that I am a virgin but it was already too late.

I was like, ahh never mind. This guy has a girlfriend, lives in the City of Angels. There's no way we'll see each other again anyway. Why not spit the whole truth about myself?

So the great conversation continued. He told me he had a really good female frienid Pansy whose relationship with him was very much like my situation with Ken. They had been friends since they were 11 and he knew that she liked him. He also said I looked kind of like Pansy too. One day he got drunk and hooked up with Pansy but then he wasn't ready so they decided to remain friends, even though he did like her. Then the girl was dating a new man who is now her husband that she's getting a divorce with. JC did another drunken move with the guy and things got awkward so he and Pansy never talked again.

Another interesting coincidence was that JC also made out with a girl before without kissing her at all. It was his only experience like that in his entire life and I was shocked because I had never heard anyone who made out with someone without kissing on the lips.

We moved into the big talk on emotional triggers, chemistry, romance, family, fear of intimacy, my childhood, and everything. I haven't been able to do that with anyone since Rain. Before Rain it was 

Greg, PB, and then Eric. Every time when I speak the whole truth about myself to someone, they always go away, despite the intense attraction they feel for me.

The night with JC was very emotionally intimate, and we agreed that we'd never see each other again. After the bar, he walked me to the subway station but then I found out I missed the last train so we went up ground trying to get a cab. I said to him, "The only reason you're opening up to me is because you know you'll never see me again." He actually held my hand for a few seconds when we were crossing the street.

I got on the cab, about to leave. He asked, " Wait, are we really never going to see each other again?" I looked at him with a smile, and replied, "I don't know. What do you think?" He didn't know either. I proposed to meet at the bar at the W hotel the next day or to give him my phone number. 

Finally he decided that ask for my email. He also paid for my cab ride with extra and asked me to buy him a drink next time. I said to him' "Sure but make sure you ask me out!"

Serendipity is such a mysterious thing. What is the universe's plan for me? Who is JC? Why did we meet? Is he going to email me? Are we going to see each other again? This reminds me of a short piece I wrote when I was 18...

http://cozyrainyday.blogspot.tw/2013/09/i-havent-changed-at-all.html

Deadline passed.

Tonight I went to the same bar for the third night in a row with my cousin Nina. We had a great conversation but no men talked to us. Today I feel an unusual dread because it was the 15th of November. Ken said he'd be back early November and I kept waiting all the way through mid-November. Still, not a word from. He's really gone. I'm all alone.

When I look at the reality that Ken is really gone (although somehow annoyingly I still believe in a miracle that he's not really gone and that something is keeping busy so he's been unable to catch up with me), Eric comes into my mind. I begin to count the days to January or February 2014, when I'll see him again. Of course I'm also scared that he won't be able to keep his promise, but the fear is not as strong as my fear for Ken's betrayal. I trust Eric much more easily somehow because he's been able to keep all his promises to me so far, although he had a gf back in the City of Gold. I trust his face when he said "OK" when I told him, "Just come visit me." I believe he'll make it.

But is there so much praying and longing in my life? I wish a man can just pick me up at a bar and ask me for my number and take me out on a date. So far everyone I've met at the bar was looking for a one night thing. If no new man is showing up, I can only hang in there in an imaginary relationship with either Ken or Eric because facing the possible fact that I'm indeed all alone with no one that truly loves me is terrifying. It makes living pointless. That's why I want to keep living in my dream so life is more worthy of living. Ian calls me sick when he hears my story.

Great time.

I had a great time today. The kids I was teaching were funny. There's this one 10-year-old girl in my class who's simply an angel. She's short and chubby, with a strong talent in languages, and doesn't have any friends. She reminds me of myself when I was a child. She is living in her own perfectly happy world and doesn't care that much about what others think. When we sing in class, she sings with joy and never feels embarrassed about anything. This girl Elena is going to be someone special one day.

So I walked her home from our school today because I want to get to know her world and find my real self again. Also, I think she's become more interested in the subject after I started to teaching her. She even wants to be a teacher too!

Then after work I went to the pool bar at the W Hotel again. Tonight I had an interesting conversation with a 48-yeard-old Israeli man and a 33-year-old American woman. I smiled at Dan because he seemed smart and without a ring. He came to talk to me and told me that he liked the book I was reading. Soon he told me he had two kids and a wife in Richard's City. He was in the City of Rain only for work. I was completely honest and upfront with him. I asked, "do you cheat on your wife?" He replied, "Oh yeah, of course. Marriage is bullshit." Then we started to debate after I told him the whole marriage thing I wanted. He obviously liked me a lot and wanted to get in bed with me, but that's really not my thing. He thought I was smart and easy to read like an open book. I think I've succeeded in changing myself in the presence of men. I am finally easy to read to a man. I want to put myself out there, unprotected, completely open, out there, for the right man to see.

And this 33-year-old woman from SoCal was being hit on by Dan after Dan knew he would have no shot with me. Erica just got out of a 6-year relationship and is very career-driven. But when I look at her and listen to her words, I see myself a few years back--always smart, funny, and emotionally invulnerable. Honestly, I think Erica was considering the possibility of having a ONS with Dan given the fact that both of them are leaving tomorrow morning and will never see each other again. But after hearing my story and how I view relationships, Erica backed off and Dan hated me for ruining his chance of getting laid. I spoke nothing but the truth after three beers--deep down all women want to be in love with a man monogamously and they all want marriage and family.

I fucking love you.

Remember this card? I never had a chance to give this card to Richard. However, I did give it to my cousin love at her wedding in August 2012.

Tonight after my big lecture I went to the poolside bar at the W Hotel. The last time I went to this bar was about four months ago, with Ken. It was the best time I had ever had after Baby died. I went there again alone tonight.

It was quite windy and chilly outdoors, but I enjoyed the view of the city. I was reading Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee. I had some junk food with a Mojito in a florescent green glass. There was a kid sitting across from me drinking his beer and having a few cigarettes. I offered my fries but he refused. He's a culinary art student in the City of Money. Only 22. Good looking but possibly gay.

Then I moved my drink to another seat less chilly. Honestly, I'm still quite tipsy as I write this entry. I stopped reading Coetzee at one point and just gazed into the skyline. I miss Ken. I was talking to myself, "I fucking miss you and I fucking love you. Are you really gone? Have you moved to China for work? I'm scared. Are we over? Do you love me? Can you come out tonight and hold me tight?"

Occasionally my sobriety kicked in and asked me, "Do you really love him? How about Eric? Which one would you choose?"

I said to myself, "I'm not sure which one I love better because none of them loves me. I only love the one who truly loves me."

Then I continued with myself, "I miss you every single day. I love you so damn much. Do you know that?"

At one point some desperate girls went to talk to a middle-age man next to me. He actually wanted to talk to me because he walked past me a few times staring at me but I was preoccupied with reading a blog entry by my coach that infuriated me. When he finally got rid of the two girls and walked near my table again, another even older man sat down next to me. This Australian diplomat was so fucking drunk and didn't make too much sense in his words. He was either blurring the words or had really thick Australian accent. Anyway, he just got separated with his wife and his two daughters are now under custody of his wife. He told me he lost everything to his wife, including his house, money, and everything.

We did talk about something deep. The truth of all human beings. We all want to be with someone and settle into a family. Nobody wants to be alone. That's the universal truth, and yet we do everything to keep a distance from everyone. What the fucking is wrong with people today?

I must sleep now because the Mojito was too strong. I fucking miss you Ken. I love you. Please wake the fuck up and call me.

The British, The 90s

I think England is the most romantic place in the world. For starters, my favorite novel Pride and Prejudice was written by a British. All my favorite love songs and romantic comedies were made by the British, such as Notting Hill, Love Actually, About Time, Elton John, Craig David, Labrinth, Florence and the Machine, Adele, Leona Lewis, oh and my favorite actor crushes, Orlando Bloom and Colin Firth. Most important of all, the man who gave birth to all the best love stories, William Shakespeare, was an English too.

Americans are nothing less than the British on this matter, but Americans are more promiscuous in the media. And I don't really have a favorite American writer.

Recently I've come up with this new resolution of keeping a diary here. I need to write every day. Too many things go by each day and I can't remember everything. I must write them down and entertain myself in the future. I've been feeling amazed by my own work here as I read through some old posts. I read about what I wrote when Ivan broke up with me, when I finally saw Richard again after waiting for five years, and a prose I wrote when I was 18.

Yesterday I found a wonderful radio station on Pandora. It's called "Love Songs" and they're all songs from the 90s. The 90s were great. There were the Backstreet Boys and other boy bands, R&B. They fulfilled my teenage. I never had anything romantic with any boys during secondary school because I was so focused on my schoolwork and did whatever it took to get into a top-notch school away from home. Listening to the Backstreet Boys at midnight every day after finishing studying was the only console in my life. They were the only people who "spoke" love to me. So yes, I was secretly obsessed (it had to be secretly because it seemed quite abnormal to literally love someone whom one had never met) with the Backstreet Boys from the age of 10 to 18. The obsession went away as they fell apart. I wished throughout my whole teenage that I could see them in person one day, which never happened during my teenage.

Until one day, in late 2007, my mom told me from the newspaper that the Backstreet Boys would be having a concert for the first time in the City of Rain. I wanted to go at first, because it had always been my dream when I was a teenager, but then I was angry at them. I felt that all this time I had been loving them and wishing for their arrival but they were now here for the first because they were no longer popular in major cities. I already lost my obsession for them at that point, and decided not to buy a ticket. I wanted to go to their concert deep down, but I thought that if they had equal love for me as I did for them, they should figure out a way to get me to the concert for free.

The concert was on March 2, 2008 in the City of Rain. I still remember the date because it was right after my 22nd birthday. The most amazing miracle happened a week before the concert. On Feb 22, 2008, Friday afternoon, I was driving home from school. I was listening to a local radio while driving and then I heard the DJ say "stay tuned because we're going to give out two VIP tickets to the Backstreet Boys' concert to one of our lucky listeners!" I got to excited and drove home as soon as possible. The DJ played two songs by the BSB and the listener has to be able to answer the names of the songs. As soon as I left the parking lot, I began to dial into the radio station with my cell phone. At the first few tries, the phone line was completely occupied. But I kept trying and it finally rang. It kept ringing for at least 2 minutes without anyone answering it.

And finally! The DJ answered my line. He asked me how long I'd been a fan of the boys and told me that he couldn't promise me that he'd choose me because there were a few others on the line. Now the DJ was back on the air. There was a brief silent after he said "hello". I wasn't sure if he picked me but I just replied, "hello?" And there, my voice was on the air. I answered the names of the two songs he just played and the name of the guy who left the group, Kevin Richardson. I won two VIP tickets to the concert, for free! It was the first time in my life that I felt so lucky, completely lucky, and blessed with love. I screamed on the air, which kind of scared the DJ, and I was so happy. I was really like a dream come true, without me trying so hard. The boys heard me and figured out a way for me to be at the concert.

At the end of the concert, I cried. I took my brother with me to the concert because obviously I didn't have a date. He asked me what was there to cry about. I told him that all this time their songs made me believe in love so much but I felt sad knowing that most of it didn't exist. They sang these songs but they didn't really mean it. But now I know all the boys are married, including Nick Carter, so they did mean it when they sang those songs.

So in the latest How I Met Your Mother, Ted's wife says to Barney: I think you were in love and you messed it up, and every moment of your life since then has been spent trying to stay busy enough to ignore that fact.

This line by Ted's wife triggers me so much. My conclusion from this episode is that the man has to do the work. Barney did the work to get Robin while Ted didn't. Ted let it go and just assumed Robin would always be there so he lost Robin. Barney "won the challenge", as it says so exactly in this episode. Robin let it go. The girl has to let go but the man can't because if the man lets it go, he loses the girl. Even though relationships are not games, but for the man, the one woman he loves is his prize. Ted, in this case, was very effeminate and didn't man up to show Robin the ring. In fact, he never gave Robin the ring, even though he had always loved Robin all this time.

Just as Mr. Darcy never gave it up after Lizzy turned down his proposal for the first time. He said to himself that he must conquer. Hence the happily-ever-after.

As mid-November approaches, Ken is gone. He has completely disappeared on me. I guess that one night didn't mean anything to him. I guess he's not as kind as I believed. I guess I'm not as important to him as I thought. It hurts, a lot. But nothing hurts more than my dog's death. This one is close, but my dog is definitely more important to me.

It's very scary. All the pictures I've seen and dreamed of are gone. I saw us kissing in sunset. I saw us waking up in the morning together with me making him coffee and playing my favorite music while dancing in his shirt. I do not want to know what he's up to, ever, because if he's married to someone else one day and I'm not, I won't be able to handle it... At this very moment of my life, if he was really going to marry someone else, I would have another major nervous breakdown and I might be able to stay conscious. That's why this is all very scary to me.

I have a draft in my Gmail about all the ideas for my wedding, including songs, dress, things to do, etc. I want every guest at our wedding to have this tiny brochure. In the brochure there will be two letters, one written by me and the other by my husband. The titles of the letters are exactly the same, "Why do I love you?" I want everyone at our wedding to witness, feel, and bless our love. I know everyone will cry as they read our letters, X.

And I'm definitely going to add this song to our list:
Back at One by Brian McKnight

It's undeniable
That we should be together
It's unbelievable
How I used to say
That I'd fall never
The basis is need to know
If you don't know
Just how I feel
Then let me show you now
That I'm for real
If all things in time
Time will reveal

[Chorus]
One
You're like a dream come true
Two
Just want to be with you
Three
Girl, it's plain to see
That you're the only one for me
And four
Repeat steps one through three
Five
Make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done
Then I'll start back at one

It's so incredible
The way things work themselves out
And all emotional
Once you know what it's all about, hey
And undesirable
For us to be apart
I never would have made it very far
'Cause you know you've got the keys to my heart

[Chorus]

Say farewell to the dark of night
I see the coming of the sun
I feel like a little child
Whose life has just begun
You came and breathed new life
Into this lonely heart of mine
You threw out of the lifeline
Just in the nick of time






I love the 90s.

Weird

Recently I've been reading my old posts. I realized I have so much talent in writing. But what's more, reading those old posts makes me cry too. There are so many things I've forgotten and thankfully preserved by this blog. Sometimes I even feel amazed reading what I wrote a couple of years ago.

Today I came to this conclusion that everyone is weird. Nobody is normal. But why do we fight so hard to be normal? A perfect transcript, a perfect resume, a perfect family and a perfect look so things can be normal. We always want to be around someone who's always smiling and peaceful like there's nothing wrong in their life, i.e. normal. That's impossible. Everyone needs to scream, to cry, to collapse, and to rage in order to continue living. The fact that we're all trying so hard to be normal is what kills us.

I watched the movie Elizabethtown today. I really want to be in love. I want to be with someone who wants to talk to me all night long, who can't sleep without talking to me each day, who can't imagine a world without me. Why is this so difficult? Every night before I sleep is the most difficult time of the day. Today is especially worse because I've been suffering from terrible menstrual cramps and I had to tutor five hours straight in the morning having slept only 5 hours the previous night. My headache and cramps are killing me at the moment. Yet all I want is someone who can hug me to sleep, like Ivan did once when I was screaming and crying from menstrual cramps one time. The scene where Drew and Claire were talking on the phone all night long reminded me of Jes, whom I have never met. I want to have that connection with someone again. I want to be with a man who doesn't want to waste anymore minute in his life without me, without talking to me, or being without me. That kind of long phone calls were not alien to me. Jes and I did that a lot, and we always had something to say. There have been other guys who could do that on a first date or at the very beginning of knowing me, but eventually they disappear, we run out of things to say, or he runs out of things to say. It would be so lucky to have that ever lasting connection.

I'm not a normal person. No matter what they say or have done to make me believe there is nothing like that in real life, I want to keep believing in my fantasies because that's what all the stories tell me to do. I must believe first before I can see it.

The Infinite Wait

I spent my whole life waiting, waiting for a man, waiting for the subway, the food, for work to be over, at the hospital, my downloads, for my iPhone 4 to respond, but the most painful one is still the wait for a man.

I finally gathered up my courage last night and sent Eric an email asking if he was coming to visit me. Here's his response:

"Due to the company's inaction, there is a problem with my visa situation.  I am trying to resolve it with HR, but I may not be able to leave [this country] until it is resolved.  It is impossible to plan anything and very irritating."

I replied with a "=((((((" and the followed up with him on Skype:

Me: i'm feeling so disappointed...
[2013/11/8 04:12:24 PM] E: yeah me too
in fact
i might not be able to leave japan until after new year's
the last time i came to japan the airline almost didn't let me board the plane
they thought my visa status was suspicious for some reason
and then at the border, the guard questioned me and took five minutes before he let me in
so my impression is that they put me on a watch list
i am still here on a tourist visa
and stupid HR was waiting for another person to finish their paperwork until they applied for my visa
so even though i finished my paperwork almost a month ago
it was just sitting there
(the paperwork for my work visa)
and if i am ever denied entry into Japan, then i have to check a box on the entry card that will subject me to questioning for the rest of my life
it's right next to the "have you ever committed a crime" box
so if i leave, then i won't be able to come back until my work visa is approved
and that's not likely to happen until at least mid january
until today i thought they had submitted the paperwork and that i would get some kind of receipt and could use that to re-enter before the final approval 
so irritated
Me:
I understand
I'm gonna cry again but perhaps next year would be good
Because I have a week off in February
And I'm planning to quit my tutoring job when their winter break arrives

E: oh wow
then what do you plan to do?
Me:Cuz my adults class is booming
E: ohh
Me: So I have no time for tutoring 
E: you're a star!
Me: And the kids mom said something cheap to me even though they're a wealthy family so I'm like I'm not gonna take this shit...good luck finding someone else to replace my work. I guess I can wait for a few more months. I've been waiting for so long anyway...But I'll definitely cry again tonight
E: Sorry :(
Me: Yeah it's your fault again :-p
E: A position I am accustomed to
Me: Hahaha really?
E: I have 11 years of relationship experience.
after year 2-3, everything is the man's fault :D
Me: And we're not even at year 0 and it's already all your fault.
It was your fault that you asked me for a drink after our first meeting with Jos
E: wow, I'm in the hole already. must be some kind of speed record
Me: I'm literally smiling to my phone on the subway right now. Why do I always feel so happy talking to you? It's your fault again.
E: yeah, you should really spare yourself the happiness
Me: Gosh other passengers must think I'm weird
E: no, they think you're famous. they all saw the article written about you from 8 years ago
Me: The middle age woman sitting across from me is staring at me now.
E: famous people are allowed to be weird
Me: Ah damn. You googled me. hahahahaha
E: people [of your ethnicity] stare. it's normal
Me: Famous ppl shouldn't take public transits. They're all staring at me cuz I'm smiling like a retard.
E: Do ppl [of your nationality] not smile?
Me: Nope. They're like [people in the country you're living in now]
E: hm. i made some girls [from your country] smile before
Me: Yeah cuz you're a womanizer. Besides I'm not only smiling...I'm actually laughing silently. When you get here you can't make other girls [from my country] smile cuz that'll make me cry.
E: That's going to be difficult.
Me: What?!?!?!
E: [in another language that we both speak] Girls [from your country] love me.
Me: Hahahaha. Hey, do you sleep around in [the country you're living in]?
E: obviously there is opportunity here, but i am very busy with work so i haven't not yet realized the vision of total man-whoredom
Me: That's neither a yes nor a no
E: :D
Me: You're good with words. But for now I'll just assume you're a manwhore so I won't trust you completely.
E: Trust me to do what?
Me: Trust you to be the nice guy as in what I have remembered. More accurately, to assume myself to be less important to you as I want to be.
E: Well you want my everything, in a short time, so that's a tall order for anyone, even living in the same place.
Me: You're love is equal to your everything? (small pause) Actually love is equal to one's everything.
E: Plust, you want me not to make anyone else smile.
Me: That just means I don't want you to flirt with other girls.
E: Even flirting? 本当に難しい  [in another language] I love girls [from your country]!
Me: Are you being serious?
E: which part? I told you girls [from your country] are my favorite. and i am naturally friendly but that doesn't mean i flirt with everyone who smiles at me and it doesn't mean i fuck everyone i flirt with.
Me: So when you visit [my country] you want to keep your options open?
E: If I visit you I am coming to visit you.
Me: Then why would you flirt with other girls?
E: I was teasing you about your jealousy
Me: OK thanks for the clarification cuz I was about to cry on the street
E: :D
Me: I'm serious! And it's your fault again
E: I know. and i like to joke around. remember when i told you before that it would be good for you to toughen up just a bit?
Me: I think i'm too tough and in fact I'm trying to loosen up
E: no, i don't mean "tighten up", i mean "toughen up"
Me: Even now when I give a lecture to a class of 200 I still feel so nervous, and always want to cry before the lecture
E: yeah i mean "toughen up"
Me: But I always suppress my fear and be a star on the stage. That's me being tough. But when I'm not at work I just wanna be myself.
E: The performer part of you is yourself, too
Me: If I feel like crying I just cry. Yes but it's magnified when I'm on stage. The real me has everything and characters morph into another every minute
E: you have the capability to be the director of the action
Me: When I'm at work I have no choice but when I'm living my life I'm free to be who I am every second
E: You are free to choose in all realms
Me: Sometimes I'm fun, happy, sentimental, paranoid, crazy, angry and sad. I'm the composite of all these feelings. I'm still feeling touched reading "if i visit you i am coming to visit you"
E: yes, sometimes we all are, but we have the "agency", the ability, the power, to direct the action
Me: you mean the expression of emotions?
E: [in another language] Same in our minds
Me: You mean like, smiling when we're actually feeling sad
E: no, i mean the inside flow as well
Me: Like finding a reason not to be sad when feeling sad?
E: like when you're walking down the street on a windy day, and finding a way to stay walking in a straight line
Me: Avoiding emotions?
E: controlling them instead of letting them control ou
Me: That's how depression kicks in. Depression is the accumulated suppression of emotions
E: I can see your point, but it doesn't lead me to the same conclusion as what you are attempting to justify

****And then he got offline and I had to go to work.

****Our first reconnection for the past 6 months:

Friday, October 18, 2013 10:27 PM

Me: Ken and I made out on Tuesday night for the first time and it was the worse made out in my life...

the worst*

E: Hi! Long time no talk!

Me: yup. where are you?

E: City of Crowd. I live here now

Me: aww still? damn. with your gf?

E: Just signed 1yr employment contract today. No, we broke up. Our relationship already had some cracks before, and the distance tore a hole open

Me: ................................................ i am speechless

E: It was really painful

Me:i feel so surprised

E: I've been sick for most of the past three months

Me:you poor thing! are you ok/??

E: But finally we have some closure

Me: oh you know what, i've been bad for the past 3 months too because my dog died in june

E: She moved out, and my stuff is in storage now.

Me: after she left in the most unimaginable way i realized nothing in the world can hurt me more than that

E: We talked when I was back last weekend, and got to a kind of stopping point

Me: dude that was a five year relationship... but the good thing is that you're in the City of Crowd

E: So neither of us is happy, but we can go on now

Me:at least a new environment is taking your mind off

E: Yes. It's a fun place to be!

Me: it's too crowded. do you still work for the same company?

E: I just need to get un-sick. [in another language] i like crowded places

Me: come visit me in the City of Rain

E:Yup. Haha maybe I will. When is a good season?

Me: now? anytime before i marry someone

E: lol U can visit me here too!

Me: my net worth is still negative

E: I have a nice apartment

Me: damn. so do i!

E: Ah I c

Me: i live in a highrise condo ;)

E: I'm in the city center

Me: i've already saved more money by teaching here than i could in sf for a year. i'm 5 mins away from the city center? :D

E: Then how is your net worth negative

Me: my student loans. i haven't paid it off

E: USA?

Me: i borrowed the money in [my country] but i used it for [grad school name] yeah

E: Ahhhhh

Me: come visit me

E: Ouch

Me: i'd choose you over Ken in a heartbeat

E: Lol

Me: my love life is at an extremely dramatic point

E: Why

Me: all my friends thought sex and the city is pretty much my life now although i am still a virgin

E: U are having sex now? Lol

Me:NO NOOOO but i've already had 2 different men in my bed this week. there might be another one tomorrow. arggghhh

E:Heheh Good for you

Me: hell no! i really just want to be with one but no one can commit. it's making me so angry

E: I explained all this to you before

Me: i don't remember much

E: You didn't want to listen

Me: i have to read my blog to recall

E: Thus u don't remember much

Me: i always listened! I ALWAYS LISTENED!

E: I have to warn you. if I come visit you, there isn't going to be anything stopping me from tearing your clothes off ;-)

Me: well.... am i supposed to feel angry now? cuz i'm smiling hahaha

E: As they say in Japanese, I am 危ない

Me: horny? LOL

E: Well yes but it means "dangerous "

Me: aha i recognize the first character

E: 危ない=dangerous [in another language]

Me: mhm. well, ken and i hadn't talked or had any contact with each other for three months

and this tuesday he texted me which i didn't reply until 1am and it turned out he was still awake and wanted a drink with me

E: When did he go back to Taipei

Me: he got two job offers, one in china, and one in [this country]. he quit [they company we both worked for]. he bought a BMW in the City of Gold after i left and then he just quit his job 2 months later and moved back here

E: Hahaha [the company you both worked for] is back BTW. THEY hired a bunch of new ppl

Me: because all the old ppl are hired by another great company in the City of Smog. they offered ken a job too

E: [H Company]?!

Me: i can't remember. he said the name in [another language] and i wasn't familiar with those names. in the City of Smog

E: Eh

Me: anyway the offer is much better than the offer in [my country]

E: Tired of working for the [people of my ethnicity]

Me: but he couldnt decide where to go and came to my place. working for [ppl in our country] is no better. he was so drunk and kept saying he's money whore

E: Not even a little bit?

Me: then i said if money is the only thing you care about then just take the City of Smog offer

and then he called me naive

E: You made out w him when he was drunk?

Me: he refused to tell me why he was hesitating. yes he said he wanted a drink with me and it turned out he was already drunk when he got here

E: So he was probably all sluggish

Me: then he asked me to update my life with him and i said it was just work and random hobbies at home

E: Did he fall asleep during the makeout? Lol

Me: and then he asked me if i brought men home. i said i wasnt telling him. no he was up all night! that was the worst part. he got all jealous and just assumed i brought men home like a slut. then he made out with me like i was a slut. he didn't kiss me at all

E: So what made you kiss him. So far sounds like boring conversation

Me: and he kept taking off my top and i had to keep resisting his hand in my pants. i didn't kiss him! we didn't kiss at all!

E: So you made out without kissing?

Me: exactly

E: Lol

Me: it has never happened to me. it was awful

E: That doesn't qualify As making out

Me: i was topless the whole night!

E: That is just petting

Me: WHAT?!?!

E: Yeah

Me: nobody gets to see me topless without kissing me. he did hold me in his arms to sleep though

E: Except him hahaha

Me: so it was awkward and infuriating. i asked him out to talk about this in person on wednesday. he was sleeping at 10p already so we rescheduled for thursday night

E: I cannot understand how any guy could be so passionless

Me: and then he lied to me that he was at the airport on thursday night. he wasn't passionless. he was angry at me. he did that on purpose and he definitely remembers it

E: to hurt you?

Me: cuz he walked out to smoke in between. yes

E: But that's So lame!

Me: yes he is lame!

E: If he was angry then at least he could have slapped you around a little

Me: wtf?!?!

E: S&M is a great way to release tension in a relationship Lol

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

E: You can release your aggression in a healthy way. Do u even know what I mean?

Me: no...it sounds demeaning. i hate violence. making out and love making should be gentle and passionate. no violence

E: Did u read 50 shades of gray?

Me: ive heard of it, not interested in reading it

E: You're just inexperienced

Me: ...................

E: S&M is not about violence at all

Me: that doesn't explain why ken was angry at me

E: It's about one person taking control And the other letting go

Me: i want to be touched gently when getting sexual with someone

E: And trusting

Me: hell no. i don't want any physical pain

E: Noted.

Me: don't tell me you're interested in SM

E: Would u like to inflict physical pain on another?

Me: i might change my mind about you if you do. of course not. if i love someone i just want to touch his face gently letting him know that he's safe with me

E: Okay. So you only like your sex one way But that's understandable

Me: i can do doggy and some rather challenging positions and places. but that's it

E: Because you haven't had sex yet

Me: and yes i like to be on the bottom. and that night ken wanted me to be on top. i just refused

E: Anyway, what bothers me is that he didn't do a good job. Even if is just a one night stand I still give it my all

Me: exactly. for the past 2 years, i always imagined if we one day make out, we'd kiss and it'd be so passionate and i'd just give me virginity to him. are you having one night stands in the City of Crowd?

E: I could make you melt like your favorite ice cream ;-)

Me: i'm blushing and smiling right now

E: Not really. I've never managed to not continue after the first night

Me: i know

E: Mostly because when I like someone enough to have sex, then I want more

Me: so three night stands? or 10 night stands? yeah that's human nature. so you like me enough to have sex with me... but all men do. that doesn't say anything

E: I'm just having fun and being myself now. After a very long relationship

Me: what's being yourself like? do you have some kinky habits?

E: Hahaha Wouldn't you like to know

Me: hmmm

E: ;-p

Me: come visit me

E: Hmm

Me: hmm?

E: Thinking of when

Me: :) :):):)

E: Third weekend of November?

Me: nov 10 to nov 19. i actually can have a small break for the first 3 weeks of nov. i still work every day except saturday and that's my break

E: Nov 16 weekend

Me: lemme check one sec. i'm free that weekend. i can ask for a days off from my tutees

E: let me check the airfares

Me: :D:D:D:D

E: so the boys that you're sharing your bed with this week... any chance you're going to fall in love and go exclusive with them before november?

Me: of course not. except for ken...but that's tricky one. he's going to [the trade show] now and won't be back until early nov

E: yeah but he's going to be on again, off again

Me: perhaps. i told him there are things i need to clarify with him in person and he said we'll catch up when he comes back

E: wait, so he had your shirt off all night. did he at least kiss your body?

Me: for me that talk will be now or never. yeah he sucked my nipples. he's quite good actually haha

E: okay, well that's not so mean

Me: that's terrible!

E: why?

Me: you do that to prostitutes. he treated me like a slut

E: uhh i'm going to suck your nipples

Me: what?!?!

E: but that doesn't mean i think you're a slut

Me: but i know for sure you're gonna kiss me first

E: sure

Me: and it'll be passionate and emotional

E: before and after

Me: but he didn't do any of that. he didn't hold my hands either. he avoided all the postures that involve romance

E: was this the first time he ever had your shirt off?

Me: yes. it's the first time that he actually touches me. he has never touched me before

except for taking pictures

E: don't you think it's weird that the guy you most wanted romance from, ended up completely denying you of it?

Me: i know. i thought it was my problem. but after hearing EVERYTHING we've done so far, all my friends think he's weird too because we were intimate in the City of Gold. we weren't sexual but definitely intimate like you and i

E: that's just weird. totally not my style. if the girl doesn't cum at least twice as many times as i do, then i'm not fully satisfied

Me: dmn. i'm so turned on right now. wait, can you have multiple orgasms?

E: no i mean

Me: oh cuz i can, easily... :D

E: over the course of a weekend. ooh

Me: over the course of one hour or three

E: well then i'm changing my multiple to 3x ;-)

Me: i think i once had 100 orgasms in 3 hours

E: OMG

Me: hahaha

E: holy fuck. from what?

Me: cuz i went on an abstinence for 3 months. from a vibrator...

E: lol that's amazing!!

Me: i'm afraid when you're in [my country] you won't get to see much of the country

E: haha. that's okay. i'll see the best parts

Me: all in my body? :P

E: mmmm =D

Me: god are you coming to visit me? are you really going to come visit me???

E: i'm looking for airfares

Me: omg i feel so excited now!

E: from [the country he's living in] it takes awhile bc aggregators don't show the best fares many times

Me: oh i'm gonna feel so happy tomorrow when i get up for work. for the first time i will feel happy waking up in the morning :D

E: on phone w coworker

Me: ok. isn't it past midnight there?

E: he's freaked out about his employment agreement

Me: haha

E: yup

Me: ok i gotta go to bed now and sleep well for my big lecture tomorrow. i'm feeling so happy now :):):) i mean i should feel sad as your friend that you broke up and have been sick....but i don't really...

E: hahaha. ok i am back

Me: :)

E: i know you're about to go to bed

Me: yes

E: but i'm still curious

Me: and then i'm gonna have a nice dream. about?

E: have you had any relationships or sexual experiences that have been particularly fulfilling?

Me: nope. no man has ever given me an orgasm. only my vibrator and my hand have...

E: how many have tried?

Me: how many men?

E: yes

Me: hmmm 10? i dont let them penetrate me with their fingers so it's impossible for me to orgasm like that without vibration

E: so when you make yourself cum with fingers. you go inside?

Me: nope. i need to use my blanket

E: mmm ahhhhh

Me: i have never been penetrated by anything. ok i'm feeling embarrassed haha

E: oh it's okay. so you put the blanket between your hand and your happy place?

Me: yes.... please ask no more!!

E: can you do it right now?

Me: i'm blushing now! no i haven't used my blanket for a long time. my vibrator does a great job

E: yes, you can. you don't want to desensitize yourself

Me: does a vibrator desensitize me?

E: it can

Me: damn it. i've been using it for years

E: you should test

Me: how?

E: to see if you can still use your hand

Me: i've never just used my hand. it's either the blanket or the vibrator

E: ohhh i see

Me: but i get wet easily

E: it's the friction with the blanket right?

Me: yes. not friction. actually it's the movement

E: you mean the feeling of movement as it grinds on you?

Me: yeaaa. you did a better job describing it

E: so it's the whole area then, not just your clit?

Me: yes

E: ahhh

Me: and to this day i'm still not clear about my g spot

E: which is why it's been difficult for men to make you cum. ohh i know where that is. it's on the inside though

Me: why is it difficult for men to make me come? exactly. i need to be penetrated to come

E: wait

Me: or unless the movement is big enough to trigger the g spot

E: have you let any guys lick you?

Me: yes...

E: and they didn't achieve it?

Me: nope. they didn't penetrate. it was all on the outside

E: yeah but you can make yourself cum without penetration, both with the vibrator and with the blanket. so it's clearly possible

Me: but i believe it's because the vibration is strong enough to trigger the g spot

E: naw

Me: yes! ok that's one area in my body i don't understand well

E: my ex could only come with g-spot, and there was no vibrator or blanket that could get her

Me: hmmm. ok how about this, i will withhold masturbation until you arrive

E: okay, i have some ideas now ;-)

Me: LOL don't get kinky please... i like it gentle and i'm so afraid it'll hurt like hell

E: okay, i will be gentle with you. why would it hurt?

Me: imagine how tight it might be...

E: lol

Me: and the hymen. i've been told my opening seems quite small

E: well, i put big things in small places and it works great!

Me: ahhhhhhhh that's so dirty!

E: mmmhmm
Me: you're talking about solar power plants right? :D

E: yes, of course

Me: like a big power plant in small [City of Crowd]E: lol
Me: hahaha
E: 20MW on a [city of rain] rooftop
Me: really? that's impossible
E: yes it is
Me: solar is monopolized by our governmentE: lol

Me:are you saying you're the 20mw and i'm the rooftop?

E: more or less ;-)
Me: i'm really too naive to understand dirty jokes

haha

HAHAHAHA

you're 20mw?!?!

that's huge

E: well it's not the biggest project

nor is it one of the small ones

Me: huh?

E: it's the one that gets built most often though ;-)

Me: i'm completely lost right now huh???

E:20MW is the perfect size for a solar project

Me: your size changes? LOL hahaha
E: it's big enough to get financed by anyone
Me: HAHAHAHA
E: it's compact enough to slip in unnoticed to most places
Me: i'm laughing out loud now!
E: that's why it gets built most often lol
Me: do you use skype?

E: yes

Me: add me

E: just did

Me: oh wait, we can use g talk too

does it work?

i haven't got anything

E: does what workMe: can you hear me?
E: yes but i forgot. there is something wrong with the microphone settings on this computer

let me use my phone to skype instead

Me:ok

E: do u want to see me?

Me: sure! but please dont be naked

E: can i see u

Me: sure

E: you're funny. it's cold here now

Me: nice. i miss the cold weather in CG

E: so i am not naked

Me: ok good or i'll be both embarrassed and turned on

E: neither of those are bad..

Me: skype me! i'm gonna sleep soon!

Then we continued to talk on Skype via webcam till 3am and I had to work at 9:30am on that Saturday... 

In addition to the "OK" he said in response to what I said, "Just come visit me", he also told me that "I want you to be happy, whether it's me or someone else who makes you happy". I looked down at my table, feeling to touched and about to cry again.