Your neglect

Last Saturday night, I was persuaded by one of my students to initiate contact with Ken, after over a year of silence. So I messaged him on whatsapp:

I:  Hi, how've you been?

Ken: Hey stranger! Long time. How have you been?!

I: Feeling very content with my life. Also very busy with work this summer. Thanks for asking. Yourself?

Ken: Good to hear! Me same old.

Ken: Still doing the same work? Teaching?

I: Haha yeah. Teaching 300 students this summer. I really love my job though. Sometimes I'm really surprised by how lucky I am.

Ken: Oh wow! You must be good

I: I guess I'm good and charming 😊

Ken: Oh yeah? Awesome. Not everyone can do jobs they love n makes them happy

I: Haha thanks. Don't you love your job? Btw happy 36th bday

Ken: Thanks! I am ok with it. Cant say I love it

I: Aww... I hope things will get better for you. I have missed you.

That was it. He read it and never replied. This endless silence and neglect is making me so angry. There can be only two scenarios: 1) he misses me too or 2) he doesn't miss me at all and he has never wanted to be with me. But why can't he just tell me the fucking truth? I almost puked when I initiated the text message and broke the year long silence; I really had a panic attack when I decided to tell him the truth that I have missed him. But I let go of my ego anyway and pulled out the last bits of courage in me to tell him the truth. And I got nothing.

You might say, if I love him unconditionally, I should be accepting this  reaction from him happily and shouldn't expect him to reciprocate the truth. But I am so tired of waiting endlessly that maybe I don't love him anymore. It's better to break one's heart than to do nothing about it. This "nothingness" is painful because it keeps my memory of us alive; it makes me wanna believe that I live in a world where Ken has truly loved and cared about me and he's just not ready to have what he wants for the rest of his life. I don't wanna believe otherwise because he hasn't told me upfront with all honesty and there has never been us and he has never loved me. But now I see how the truth is much better than nothing because at least I can move on. Right now I'm really stuck. These guys do and say things so sweet and loving and the next thing I know is that they have disappeared. I mean, really, disappeared out of the blue. 

Happy Birthday, Again

It's Ken's 36th birthday. It's been 361 days since we last spoke to each other or saw each other. I wish I could simply forget this day; unfortunately I accidentally clicked on a Skype notification. I do miss you. The memories of us are getting more and more distant, although still fond. And maybe for you, just like for every other man, there has never been "us".