Silver Linings

“The only way to beat my crazy was by doing something even crazier. Thank you. I love you. I knew it from the moment I saw you. I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up.” -- Silver Linings Playbook

The happiest thing in the world is knowing that the person you love also loves you back. I experienced it once in my life so far, with Ivan. I texted him those three words maybe only a month after we were officially together but he did not reciprocate immediately. He called me right away asking me what the text meant and then he spent the night at my place yet still didn't reciprocate those three words. I cried my eyes out and fell asleep next to him. The next morning I woke up and he told me to check my phone. I saw a new text saying "I love you too..."

That was the only time so far in my life that I was reciprocated with those three words. After Ivan I actually have never said those three words to anyone. Yes I am still too scared to say those words to someone who is not committed to me. I have professed my feelings to a few guys but they didn't feel the same way about me. Now I want to be the one who reciprocates with those words rather than initiate.

There must be a happy ending for me, like the Silver Linings Playbook and all other movies I love. For now I just want a bear hug in which I fall asleep.

Depressing Home

I've been home for a week and it's been depressing. First I had adjustment issues to this environment because I was away from home for 2.5 years and everything is so different now in the City of Rain. Then it's my family. My parents trigger so much negative emotion in me that depression seems to be the only way to protect my brain.

Today I had an interview and got an offer right away. It's a very small part-time job teaching my second language, but because I like it and it doesn't take me too much of my life I feel quite happy about it.

Another thing that hurts is Ken. The Sunday before I left the City of Gold, he invited me to his place to hang out and offered to make me dinner. I didn't want to go to his place because I wanted to take a break from him but I needed to bring him something so he could do me a favor after I left. Thus I agreed.

We spent the whole evening hanging out at his place. He was working while watching football and I was drawing with an awesome app on his iPad that he showed me. Our entire interaction throughout the evening was very "homey and couple-ly" except that we still did not have any physical contact, even though we were flirting the whole time. He took me to the supermarket next door and bought grocery for dinner; certainly he was the one paying and carrying everything. Then he told me to let him know when I was hungry. I kept drawing while sporadically coming up with names for his company in mind. He watched me draw cherry blossom in the City of Power after buying a palette add-on for me and then marveled at how talented I was. At one point he showed me his new watch and a backpack he just ordered online. He took off his watch and I tried it on and it went with my shirt that day completely. He said he might considering buying a few more watches and give them to his bestest friends. I asked him if I was on his best friends list, and he started to keep scores of what I've done for him so far and I interrupted, "I cried for you, which is priceless!"

At around 9pm, I said to him, "I feel hungry now." He stood up and walked to the kitchen to make dinner for us. Then he said to me, "where do you think you can find a guy like me, a corporate executive who paused all his work to cook just because you're hungry?" I replied, "I know. You're wonderful." Then he joked, "I doubt any man would want to marry you because you just sit there and do nothing!" I continued with a big smile, "I'm gonna find a guy who pampers me like that."

Throughout the dinner I complimented on his cooking skills and I told him he'd be responsible for all the cooking if we were having steak again. He said "of course." After eating he cleaned the dishes. Then he took out a tailored blazer and told me he had to resew the buttons on the blazer, which was a challenge for him. He asked me if I could do it and I said, "I could but I don't want to." He begged me and I had to agree to help him sew those buttons and fix a torn lining. Then I went back to drawing the skyline of the City of Money and he wanted me to stay over at his place. Indeed he even asked me to move all my suitcases to his place and stay at his place for a few more weeks because his roommate was out of town. I declined because I wanted to go home and didn't have more money to spend and thus took the last subway home.

5 minutes into the subway station, he called me and told me that I could really teach drawing after I get back home. I laughed and said thanks.

Ken makes me feel so confused. Because he's taking so many pills for his emotional problems right now I sometimes wonder if he could actually remember our interaction and whether he was being himself when he showered me with so much care. However, I am trying very hard to let go of this guy. I can only achieve this by starting to work and dating other guys. There will be a new better man for me. Ken has made me cry too much.

World Filled with Love

"I'm a young heart living in a world filled with love so when teardrops fall from me like rain from above, I can brush my troubles away, know that deep down inside I've got sunshine in my life."

Can a man and a woman be just friends? Based on the most recent episodes of How I Met Your Mother, I believe the answer is no. Neither Ted nor Barney could be "just friends" with Robin.

January 13, 2013 was one of the most beautiful days in my life. Eric took me to two beaches near the City of Gold. A week ago when we talked on the phone about sightseeing nearby, he told me that we'd have to play by the ear because it really depended on the weather. Then I checked the weather forecast; it said it would be sunny for the entire week except for January 13. It was forecasted to rain. However, the weather changed for me. In the middle of the week the forecast for Jan 13 was changed to super sunny and no clouds. Today the weather was really amazing, and the beauty of the ocean was ineffable.

On our way there, I said, "I have a question for you but you can't think before you answer. You have to give me the answer on top of your head. If there were no tomorrow, where would you take me?" He said almost immediately, "the same place I'm taking you now. Because I've always wanted my ashes to be spread in the ocean, if I died tomorrow I would want to be on the beach." I said, "I'm the same. The ocean soothes me." We spent the whole afternoon on two different beaches and the sunset was simply speechless. I took off my shoes twice and ran in the water, got my feet frozen and jeans wet but felt so exhilarated.

Then he took me to a wonderful Burmese place for dinner. At the dinner I told him today was one of the best days in my life. He nodded and tried very hard to suppress his tears. After he dropped me off at home, we talked for another while and my tears were pouring again. After getting home, I continued to cry for a couple more hours. Life may be happier if there were really no tomorrow. If there were no tomorrow we would stay on the beach forever. There would be no reality, no his girlfriend, no pain, just the present moment of extreme happiness, a rare scene of the natural beauty, and the sunset. It was so obvious that Eric thought about and planned the day for me. The last time someone ever did that for me was probably Ivan for my 23rd birthday; he learned to make a dish of my favorite and of course I cried.

I must continue to believe there is a guy out there who will make a better day for me; he will take me to the two beaches in my dreams that I have never seen before. And he will do whatever it takes to be with me and make me happy day after day.

Somewhere Only We Know

Keane's concert was amazing. Tom is such a great live singer and somehow he looks quite similar to Cato.

"I'm getting old and I need something to rely on so tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."

Last night after crying myself to sleep, I decided to tell the truth to Ken the following day because 1) it wasn't fair to me as I do have feelings for him and he can't just keep me around without further commitment and 2) if there were no tomorrow I'd want him to know how I feel or I'd definitely regret it.

So this afternoon around 3pm, I went to the pier, sitting on the bench, watching the ocean and amazing blue sky, and practicing reading my script to him. It made me feel so nauseated to just practice reading the script. Finally I gathered a rush within my body and dialed his number. He answered.

"Hey what's up," he asked.
"Hey are you busy?" I asked.
"No. What's up?"
"Good. I need to tell you something so listen carefully."
"OK."
"Yesterday after our lunch I felt really sick. I felt nauseated listening to you talk about how you met Love's friend. Somehow last night I even cried my eyes out."
"Why?"
"The only plausible explanation I can come up with is that I may have caught feelings for you. I feel like throwing up as I'm telling you this. Thank you for listening. So what do you think?"
Then he made me repeat the part where I said I caught feelings for him several times because the signal was breaking up. He told me he was flattered but because of his work and the fact that he's both physically and emotionally burned out he can't do the job. He also explained that the coffee date with Love's friend was just hanging out as a friend like the other coffee date he went to when he was crashing at my place. I said, "I know but I didn't feel anything about it before." Then he said he didn't want us to feel awkward in the future and I said, "yeah but I need to take a break from you. And I still need you to help me deposit my check." He said, "aren't you going back to the City of Rain anyway? I'll definitely deposit the check for you. But are you feeling better now?" I said, "yes but I might cry again and then I'll be OK." He continued, "I'm not worth it." I asked, "why do you always say that about yourself?" He replied, "it's true."

After the phone call I cried a little more, but much less than I imagined. Then I felt so relieved because I can finally let Ken go. I got myself an answer and I can finally stop figuring him out on my own. Somehow I'm not afraid of losing him at all; I felt really scared of losing him before I called but after the call I don't feel that way anymore. Telling the truth feels so much better than just keeping everything to myself and silently walking away. Yes, I deserve him knowing how I feel. I feel I have even more power to my life now. If he is a real man, or the right man, he will come after me; if he's not, other better men will show up. Either way my life is elevated.

The quote from Stardust kept wandering around my mind. I believe there's nothing happier in the world than knowing the person who has your heart has also given his heart to you.

A Bad Dream

It's a great song by Keane, whom I'm going to see tomorrow.

Today I cried my eyes out. I went to lunch with Ken, all excited and nervous because I hadn't seen him for several weeks. It turned out the first thing he mentioned to me was that he met a girl back home in the City of Rain who went to the same undergrad as he and she was a colleague of my cousin Love. Later Love followed up with me that they even took a picture together after the lunch and Ken was very aggressive in asking her out.

At first I wanted to just spit out that I felt jealous, but I still didn't have enough courage to do so. Later that afternoon I was reading a novel at a cafe in a five-star hotel but I could barely concentrate. I felt anger, grief, and eventually extreme nausea. I crawled up in a ball and cried on the floor when I got home. Then I decided to go to my neighborhood cafe and read some more. After coming home I was listening to my Love Playlist on my iPhone and tears just kept rolling down. For most of the time I wasn't thinking about Ken; I was thinking about my childhood, Ivan, and Eric. I wish I had a smooth, peaceful, loving childhood so that I could be a much more joyful person and grieve less easily. I recall from time to time when Ivan told me that if he met my parents one day he would confront them for treating me the way they did because he found me so loveable. As for Eric, he once told me in his car that I am much stronger than I thought; he said that because I was going through a great deal of anxiety about my previous job and planning the quit it the very Friday. These three things would further make me recall what Ivan told me why he broke up with me, "you need someone who can take care of you and I can't do that." In fact throughout my whole life I had to take care of myself on my own for survival; I don't want to be stronger than I thought and I want to be cared for. Ivan's breakup line always makes me cry.

"I wake up, it's a bad dream. No one on my side. I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind. Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side but you're long gone..."

I must keep believing there is a real, great man out there who is so big to love both himself and me and looking for me. I believe he is trying as much as he can to be here with me and I'm doing the same for him.

Tears

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/11/opinion/sunday/i-cry-therefore-i-am.html

http://www.nytimes.com/1982/08/31/science/biological-role-of-emotional-tears-emerges-through-recent-studies.html

20 years ago, at the age of 6 or 7, I wrote a short article that was chosen to be published in the papers. The article was titled "Tears"  but I'm quite sure the clip of the paper can no longer be found after we moved out of the condo in which I grew up. Therefore I want to write again about tears.

Over the past 20 years I have been taught not to cry. As an infant and child I was known to cry much more easily and frequently than any others that my parents, relatives and teachers were very impatient with my tears. I remember being threatened by my father to be thrown out of the window if I didn't stop crying when I was 3 and being yelled at by my mother for crying for days for a dying dog we had for merely a month when I was 11. Ironically, that short article on tears published 20 years ago was in fact my mom's work; she was the narrator behind my pen for pretty much the whole article.

Some people believe tears are a precious thing; I believe there are plenty of people in the world unable to cry either because they have become jaded or because they are born less sensitive. That means I am a wealthy person as I possess plenty of these precious tears. Thanks to tears I have endured much more difficulties than the ordinary and stood up over and over again from heart-breaking defeats. My tears are my strength with a vulnerable disguise. People hate to see me cry because they are afraid of their own tears, not mine. However, whoever can cherish my tears as I do will be an extraordinary, courageous person capable of accomplishing something big in their life.

Tears are not a sign of weakness; on the contrary they are the path to being stronger. They distinguish human beings from other animals and they are the natural cure for depression and insomnia. Tears serve our evolutionary purpose perfectly--fluoxetine and estazolam are auxiliary--assuming their side effects are non-existent--to those who are too weak to face their own tears.

Tears of joy are even more interesting. I cry a lot for positive things too, such as a happy ending to a romantic movie, a sappy love song, accomplishing something important, my cousin's wedding day, and so on. It seems like tears are the ultimate representation of joy surpassing laughter; in other words, when joy has exceeded a certain level, laughter cannot sufficiently express our emotions at that level and only tears can do the job. This makes tears the most powerful emotional expression of all.

Now it all makes sense why the first thing we do upon birth is cry and when we die, we die with tears of our own and of others.