Now, more than you know

X, I really need you now, more than you know.

Yesterday was a weird Sunday. I woke up with an unusual stuffiness in my body and yet I couldn't name it. Then there was the final exchange of text between me and Mars this morning.

I started yesterday morning at 9:37:

"Honest[ly], I feel disappointed that our date was called of[f] the last minute again last night. I was finally getting over you this month and then you suddenly showed up. I couldn't help getting my hopes up. But if you're not for real, please tell me with all honesty because you get over me faster than I get over you. You might not remember what you said on our last date but I will always remember it and believe you meant it when you said it."

He replied 4 minutes later:
"I do remember what I said. My ex came back into the picture as you know and that basically derailed me. I didn't realize it was taking you long to part ways from me, I figured (since I didn't hear from you) that you'd moved on. I contacted you because I had the urge to talk to you and then felt like (if possible) we could go on a date. But in all honesty I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with it. And given how you see things (as I now know) perhaps it's best if we don't."

I replied:
What did you expect me to see these things? I've always been very honest about what I want from the very beginning and you said you wanted it too. Which part have I misunderstood?

He replied an hour later:
Fair point. It's my bad. I'll leave you be.

My reply at noon today:
I don't mean to make you wrong. In fact I blame myself for taking things so seriously and literally. It hurts to see how easy you're letting me go after having said all those things to me. There must be links I'm missing here and I don't believe you lied to me. But anyway, love should be conditional upon an ex, or anyone, getting into the picture. Take care and thanks for the good memory.

I just realized there might be a grammatical mistake in my final correspondence: should it be "how easily you're letting me go"? But somehow that just sounds weird.

This summer has been so hazy. I've been too busy to really savor every moment. The summer has gone in just a snap and I really can't remember much of it. I did hang out with friends many times this summer; I booked a vacation in Australia for Christmas and New Year's. I hired a matchmaker and I've been on a few blind dates, with no further news. I've seen Inside Out, Jurassic World, and Avengers at the movie theater, and I just watched Kingsman on TV. I went to the gym zero times and read zero books this summer.

A few days ago, I woke up in the morning and had this idea in my head before I was fully awake that I had to apply for the Chevening scholarship and study in London for free. It's my last shot to meet me true love. Lately I've spoken with so many people about my relationships and the only consensus they could come up with is that I wouldn't be able to find my true love in the City of Rain because people here are too isolated from the rest of the world and intimidated by the most trivial things. As a woman who's traveled the world, educated at the best institutions in the world, highly financially capable, tall and attractive, and fully bilingual, I've already outgunned more than 99% of the men here. They all believe that British men will be a good fit for me and I kind of have that belief too. I've only spent one summer in the UK my entire life but I get most of my impression of the British from my favorite books (especially Jane Austin's), my favorite romantic movies (Stardust, Notting Hill, About Time, Love Rosie, Pride and Prejudice, Love Actually, and my favorite music (Elton John, Ronan Keating, Adele, Jessie J, Leona Lewis, the Script (OK I'm counting Irish as UK-ish lol)). My plan is to get into LSE with a full scholarship; I won't go if the scholarship only covers the tuition. At first I felt pretty confident of my chances given my master's degree from the best school in the world in the field and my academic track records and now my success in my career as a teacher, but now, as I want it more and more, I feel a bit nervous about my chances.

I have another blind date set up by my matchmaker with a Silicon Valley startup guy who's my age. A while ago, after hearing about what he's done so far, I felt quite intrigued to meet him. But as I am now toying with the idea of living in London for a year to meet the one, I don't even hold any expectation about this blind date tomorrow. Either I don't feel for him, or he doesn't feel for me, or he feels chemistry with me at first and suddenly vanishes. It really hasn't gone any other way my whole fucking life.

X, I wish you could hear me now, and see me and feel me now. I'm barely hanging in there and I really need you. Why can't you just show up yet????

Montage of nostalgia

Thursday night I got a whatsapp text from Mars and we had an hour long conversation on the phone. We were just catching up;he talked about a girl he ran into on the subway the other day who was oblivious about his ethnic background and they actually dated for a while a couple of years ago. He also talked a meditation camp he's going to etc. Most importantly, he asked me out on Saturday night and I agreed.

But then, he bailed tonight, saying that he was tired. I said it all felt very weird. I told him about the dream I had about him the other day. He didn't respond.

My sixth sense was right again. After I finished work today, exhausted, I felt overwhelmed by a rush of gloominess in my body. It was pouring rain and dark. I felt sad, very sad, but I tried to convince myself that I had no evidence yet that he would bail tonight. After I got home, I curled up in my bed and started to cry. Then I texted him asking him if he still wanted to meet tonight. He indeed canceled.

You may say I'm stupid, as many people have already said it to me. But I don't really wanna live in a world where everyone is evil and lying. What would a normal woman respond to Mars in this scenario? Ignore him? Call him a jerk? Block him on whatsapp?

But here's what I remember about the time we had together: we opened up to each other before meeting up in person; he felt surprised that he could open up so much about himself before actually having met me. He said to me, "I am confident of being the man you deserve. Thank you for being so open. I really wanna have something meaningful with you." He used to talk to me every day.

I don't want to believe that none of those wasn't real. They were real. I believe he meant it.

I also believe that every time when Alex said goodbye and always stayed there until I got on the subway or into my building, he meant it too. He wanted to be there when I turned around to look at him, even though I was terrified that he might not be. But he always waited until I really left. I believe he really meant it.

I also believe that Michael meant it when he said that everything he wanted to tell me was in the song Running Around in my Dreams by Tyrone Wells; "I'm as sure as a boy could be, you're the girl that's been running around in my dreams."

I also believe when Sean kissed me, he meant it too. He's not a player and doesn't have a lot of experience. He meant it when he said "I'll still take you to decent restaurants even if I don't sell my spreadsheet."

I believe Eric meant it when he came to my neighborhood to see me when I was down. He meant it when he cried in front of me. He meant it when he took me out for a day to the beach before I left.

I also believe it when PB cried in front of me, the last time we saw each other. When he said he felt so attracted to who I was, I believe he meant it. When he planned those hiking treks in advance, he meant it.

I also believe when Ken smiled whenever he saw me, he meant it. When he bought me strawberry Haagen Dazs to cheer me up, he meant it. When he came to me in the darkest moments of his life, he meant it.

You

Workload has gone crazy lately so I haven't been able to update here. Overall I feel very lucky to be making so much money given the ongoing financial crisis. I am very tired at the moment and the headache wouldn't stop after taking several tablets of acetaminophen.

I'm writing now because I had some weird dreams lately. Last night I dreamed about my trip to Australia but somehow I got mixed up with my dream trip to Iceland to see the northern lights. In the dream, I saw Ivan and asked him to join my trip. He told me that he didn't like traveling and he'd found the love of his life now. I felt so angry and sad and kept arguing with him. Images later, I was no longer talking to Ivan but Richard instead. I asked him to join me; he said he loved traveling but he couldn't because he had also found the love of his life. I kept crying and woke up.

During the day I kept thinking about Ivan. When I'm sad and alone, I still sometimes call out his name because he was the only person my entire life who would always embrace me when I felt sad. Today I wondered what would happen if he initiated contact with me telling me that he was divorced and wanted to see me for a closure, or telling me that he could love no one else but me. Would I get back together with him? Yes, I think I would. A part of me still wants him to see who I am now and how much I have matured. A part of me still wants him to hold me when I'm sad. No other men have been able to do that to me.

A few days ago I had another dream about Mars. He was sitting by the window of a bar in a basement, like McLaren's in How I Met Your Mother. It was raining on the outside and I saw him from the outside. I kept shouting words at him through the window but he couldn't hear me and ignored me. I felt so angry and so much pain.

I owe you a call in the pouring rain

Yesterday I got a text message from Ken out of the blue. A second before the WhatsApp notification went off, I thought of him just went through my mind but it wasn't a good thought. I recalled a conversation he had with my cousin Love about how he felt about me; according to him, both people have to be happy in the relationship instead of being with one another simply because they're lonely. He never explained which one of us wasn't feeling happy in the relationship but now I have realized he wasn't happy with me. The moment before the text message rang, I had this thought that maybe he was with me because he was lonely and he never had feelings for me.

In a text message, he asked me how busy I was with work. I replied that I pretty much have to work seven days a week and didn't have time for the gym but I did have time for friends and family. Then I showed the conversation to my brother and my brother said that sounded like I was blowing him off while he was trying to ask me out. So a few hours later I texted him back, asking him if he was interested in going to the maroon five concert with me. He kept saying the ticket was too expensive and he couldn't afford it, but I found it ridiculous because he's the kind of person who can spend three times as much as the concert ticket when drinking with his friends one evening. So I asked jokingly whether he was unemployed and he responded yes. He told me that he was really starting his company at this moment and he has been unemployed for three weeks. I felt quite shocked but of course congratulated him. In fact I felt so happy for him that he finally had The courage to leave the corporate world and do something on his own that he's passion about.

I even thought about offering him the VIP ticket to the concert but of course I didn't. I knew very well that he has a lot more money than that and somehow I just felt that it was simply his excuse not to go out and have fun with me. But then that brings out another question: Why did he ask me whether I was busy or not?

I didn't give it much thought yesterday; as you know, I was very naïve and was indulged in all kinds of the romantic thoughts I had in my head. I didn't feel disappointed by his response either because I always give him the benefit of doubt. That's how much I love him; I always believe everything he says and does to me. I always assume the best in him.

As the tickets were going on sale in just a few days, I reached out to some of my students trying to figure out if anyone of them would be interested in joining me as a VIP. The good news is that I've got a former student who is still in medical school and six years younger than me; he seems to have a crush on me and I like him quite well too. I also have another student who's still in high school and would like to go to the concert with me as well.

So this medical student of mine, let me call him Star. Well actually there's not much going on between us; we have had  lunch together and some late night conversations through texting, including last night when we were discussing our favorite musicians as he decided to join me to go to the concert. He's very skinny not very tall, but he's extremely smart. In fact, when I was teaching his class, he was the first person that I walked to in the class when I was trying to listen to students speak. I don't know what vibes attracted me to him and he seemed to really enjoy my class. I don't know if he felt any kind of romantic chemistry for me; so far I only know that he thinks I have made him a lot more confident and interested in the subject. Actually he was supposed to introduce me to one of his single doctor older brothers but he never did. According to our mutual friends he actually made up some excuses about the subject so we could have lunch together to go over those issues but in fact those issues were so minor when we were having lunch; we spent most of our time talking about our interests and other personal stuff.

I don't want to think to much about Star although I have been thinking about him. He's so much younger than me and I'm just afraid that he's not ready for what I want; maybe he doesn't even like me romantically. All I know for now is that both of us are super excited for maroon five's concert.

So tonight I had planned to write something about Ken, about the epiphany I had today. Sometime during the day I realized why Ken sent me the message yesterday. He wanted to ask me for my help with his work. That's why he asked me if I was busy especially with work. Then I felt angry. I have given him the benefit of doubt every time and he's taking advantage of it, trying to monetize my love for him in his own favor. I thought I was simply giving him unconditional love, I would always be there for him so he could one day realize how precious my love is. Maybe I do live in a world where Ken has never loved me. But is it the end of the world? I used to think it was, well now I'm playing with this idea. A part of me says it is still the end of the world while the other part of me is simply angry and too proud to admit that everything he did for me meant nothing. That would just make the world so cruel and cold. What is the world if everything we believe to be love  is in fact meaningless?

It just hurts so much. It's been such a long time and it still hurts. I wonder who owes me that call in the pouring rain.