Am I a good mother?

My son is almost two years old now. It is about time that we start trying for another child. There are numerous reasons for a second child. I don’t really have a specific goal for the number of children I should have because I think they’re gifts from the universe; it would be greedy and egocentric of me to actually think that I deserve as many gifts as I want.

But the difficulty I’m encountering right now makes me wonder if I’m good enough to mother another child. Having to work full time and being as good as I hope a mother should be is really stressful and tiring. I’ve had emotional meltdowns a few times and I ended up screaming at my mom or my husband. I have scared my son. I feel tremendously guilty and I can’t stop blaming myself. I wish I could be more positively emotional and get angry less. I try, but...

Maybe the universe thinks I’m unfit to mother another child. On the other hand, so many other human beings have mothered so many children and those human beings have done far more terrible things to their kids. I cannot forgive these people for their cruelty and arrogance. But who knows what the universe thinks of me? Perhaps the universe simply has high standards for me as a mother.

Having sex is still difficult for me. I have gained so much weight postpartum and I’m never as fit as I used to be. I still suffer from vaginismus since I had a c-sec and Angel now finds it traumatizing to have sex with me. That’s another test from the universe.