Boston.

This morning I was listening to Pandora while taking a shower. It played Boston by Augustana. It was interesting, because Richard was going to Boston this morning; I was waiting for him to drop by my place and get his luggage. The sunshine was amazing in this city today; it has been gloomy for the past few months.

Eventually I didn't give him that card. I don't have the courage to gamble, to cause him to ignore me forever. The beautiful sunrise dispersed in my high-rise studio, and he was waiting for the elevator. I called, "Richard?" He said, "Yes? What's going on? Are you OK?" I smiled, and said, "Yeah, never mind." I shrugged my shoulders and almost spit out the words yet stopped again. He asked, "Do you want a hug?" I said, "No. I'm fine."

In the elevator I tried to spit out the words but I just couldn't. Eventually, on the street intersection, where we were heading toward different direction, he gave me a light hug. He said to me, "We're cool, right?" I nodded. "I might be here again in June." I asked him why and he explained. We were about to part, and I smiled and finally said, "Don't go." He smiled and said, "No I'm gonna be late for the flight." I said it again, and he was already walking away. He said to me, "I will send you a postcard from Boston." I turned around, walked to my office, and never looked back.

I was sad, depressed, frustrated, and hating the unfairness of life, but I couldn't drop a single tear. I felt the tears in my throat, but I just couldn't cry. I really don't know why. I would feel so much better if my tears could just explode like the water falls, but I am just not able to. Why isn't there another Richard in this city who can actually be with me?

About the postcard, Richard saw the postcards from all over the world on my wall, and he said he sent me a postcard 4 years ago, but I've never got it. He said he still has the card that I sent him 4 years ago and he replied to my address. I wonder what happened to the postcard because I was able to get postcards from all over the world yet I missed out on the most desired one. I think it was most likely that my mom filtered my mail and stole it. So Richard said he would send me another one.

Please let my emotions explode. Richard said I haven't changed much, but I think I have. If I were 20, I would have been more dramatic and emotional, but now I am just a walking dead soul, emotionless, numb, jaded, and dependent on alcohol. Indeed, alcohol does help crying, and that was one of Richard's visiting gifts to me--a bottle of exotic herbal schnapps. Now I see the point of giving alcohol to someone as a gift.

The Pain.

It's so painful that I don't even know how to write about it. I can only sum up in a few words:

The one you love is right next to you but you can't touch him, think about him, desire him, or be with him.

For the past five years, I could not laugh like what I did last night; only Richard can make me laugh like that. It's usually me making myself laugh hard rather than someone else; but Richard, only Richard's intelligence and awkwardness can make me laugh. Why isn't there another Richard in the world who can be with me and have a future with me? Why does life have to be so unfair?

Today I was walking in downtown and found this funny 3D card that says "I f*cking love you!". I was thinking about if I should put it in his luggage so he would see it after he leaves my place. But now I am hesitant and scared; what if he doesn't appreciate it and finds me crazy?

V-Day.

Today me and a few male colleagues were talking about how much to spend on Valentine's Day. One of the guys suggested that the average is 200 bucks; the typical whole package includes a 100-dollar dinner with fine wine, chocolate, flowers, handwritten card, and jewelry. Then they asked for my advice. I responded, "I have been with more than 10 men, but I celebrated V-Day only once. And that time I think my ex spent about 200 bucks too." That's right. Two years ago, Ivan spent 70 bucks for a decent dinner for two, 30 bucks for half a dozen roses, and another 40 bucks for gifts from Wal-Mart. Oh crap, that's way lower than 200 bucks. WTF?

Hmm it's been 2 years already. I hate Valentine's Day, and I hate the fact even more that some guys actually make a lot of effort to make that day special for the girl because that just never happens to me. Why are there so many girls out there who are so much luckier than me yet not even half as kind, considerate, caring, and loving as me? You know what, this is a question that will never be answered and I have given up thinking about the why.

There are only 2 weeks left until I see Richard again. Still, he has not messaged me further about how I am doing or given me a phone call in person. I admit I often fantasize about how he would surprise me by showing up a day early on the 14th with an insanely huge bouquet and an insanely large heart-shaped Godiva chocolate, oh and maybe, a diamond ring too. These fantasies are a form of entertainment in my life because I stopped watching any movies that have love stories in them (so this leaves me very few options) and I have almost completely lost hope in relationships. Sometimes I don't even know whether the person in my fantasies is Richard, or just someone I made up because I am forgetting how Richard acts and talks. A lot of the memories are fading away because it's been 5 years. I should also stop my romantic fantasies right? Otherwise I would be so disappointed and heart-broken when he gets here because the most beautiful thing in my life is in fact ugly and most harmful of all.

"Cuz if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be, thinking maybe you'll come back to the place that we meet. I'm here waiting for you, on the corner of the street."

Why can't someone on earth do that for me? Why is it me doing that for someone? Isn't it supposed to be the man's job?

"Who Knew" by Pink, is a song that has been played more than 1,000 times over the past 5 years. "If someone says three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out cuz they're all wrong. The last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again, and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, but I keep your memory, and you visit me in my sleep. My darling, who knew?" I'm glad my faith in this song has finally worked, but is the ending going to be a happy one?

It's not that I don't want to move on or I can't move on; there are so many men in my life but the ones I like are either taken or not interested in me. It's quite nice this way indeed because we become really good friends and they're like my brothers to me so I can stop ruining friendships by getting sexual with them. I learned my lessons from JJ and Ian, who used to be such good friends of mine and now no longer talk to me and I think JJ is planning on backstabbing me at work. Men are all jerks. They don't want to love me yet they can't stand seeing me liking other men.

Richard, you selfish, cold-blood, cruel murderer. You owe me this V-Day; I deserve a perfect super date. If five-year wait is not enough effort, then I am really unsuitable for the romance industry.

On a different note, my family has sold the house in which I was born and raised and they're already moving out now. I am not a part of the move at all because I cannot afford to go back to the City of Rain. I don't feel sad for the house because it's old and not in such a good shape; I'm more concerned about my valuables, such as my Barbie dolls and musical instruments. I also feel rootless now; it makes me feel that the City of Rain is no longer my home because my parents will be renting a place, so they don't really own any place in the City of Rain anymore. So now, the City of Power is now my home, where I grow my new roots, although my roots are so isolated from any of my family. I have to do whatever I can to strive and stay in this city otherwise I would be homeless. FAITH IN MY POWER.