Bruised all over.

On Wednesday I decided to take Little O to a convenient store nearby to pick up a package, break a bill (because Angel forgot to leave the cash for our cleaner), and get some sun for both of us. On our way home, Little O kept asking me to carry him but at 37.5 weeks I really couldn’t. Eventually he pulled the “soft legs” trick in front of me and I lost my balance given my own heavy weight, his weight, and the weight of the package I was carrying. I completely fell down on the ground. I quickly picked up my glasses and stood up to check on my son.

He didn’t seem to be injured anywhere but as soon as he saw my bleeding knees, he started crying ballistically. Then I wanted to cry too because I could feel his worry and empathy. He was sad because I was hurt, because he was stubborn and didn’t listen to mommy. I could see that he felt guilty. Since this incident, he has matured a lot. He’s becoming more thoughtful and considerate these past two days. I’m just so exhilarated and grateful to see him grow. 

On the other hand, I injured myself everywhere. Some injuries are visible and others are just pain here and there. My little boy is fine in the belly; I went to a doctor myself yesterday, although I was tested positive for Group B Streptococcus, which kind of worries me.

Because of all the injuries I’ve got, it’s been quite difficult for me to move these days, but I still have to suck it up so that I can take care of Little O. Angel has returned to work this week from our summer break and he always comes home tired. When we’re on our summer break, he’s still always tired from taking care of our son. Now that he spends at least 8 hours at work, he’s still tired all the time and never has time to give me any tiny bit of care. We can never talk about anything because he always needs to sleep after our son has fallen asleep, because he’s always tired. Therefore, I can only write some stuff here and cry myself to sleep. Marriage is not what I had always imagined it to be; there is no romance, and I still feel lonely and betrayed all the time. The sex is terrible and painful and I’d rather live without it unless I want another child. I’m not sure if other women’s marriage is much better than mine, but it doesn’t matter to me because this is my fate. I’m fated to marry this man so I’m fated to feel this way. I don’t believe there’s a better man out there for me because if there was, we would have met a long time ago and got married.

I go to most of my pregnancy appointments without Angel because he refuses to take any sick leave to see our little son together. He would join us only if it takes place on a holiday. I sometimes have to drive myself to the doctor’s. And I drive him and our son everywhere to do stuff because remember, he cannot drive. 

I wish I had a husband who could drive me while I’m pregnant, a husband who can use a screwdriver and replace batteries in our son’s toys, a husband who genuinely thinks about how to inspire and educate “our” kids, rather than other people’s kids. A husband who doesn’t yell at me when I tell him my pain late at night. To him, taking care of our son is just watching him play and depriving him of the things that he shouldn’t be playing with. He cannot reason with our son well and he does not teach him life skills. 

I’m just so tired. I wish I had a man who could take care of me, of us. A man who can actually speak and read the language here so that he can at least run some very basic errands or just purchase supplies for the house. Everyone warned me about this before I got married; everyone around me foresaw this. I foresaw this too but I still married him anyways because I believed it was fated. If I wanted to be married and have kids, I had to marry him. And for my kids, I’m willing to go through all kinds of sufferings until they become adults. 

I saw on FB that Ken has moved to the City of Richard. He has two kids now, and I think the younger one is a boy. He’s not divorced after all. In fact, I’m pretty sure he has quit his job in the City of Blue Water and his whole family has moved to his wife’s hometown, the City of Richard. It makes me wonder if they are happily married. Happier than I am? Is he capable of doing stuff in the house? I know he can at least drive and cook and likes to keep the house clean. His wife must be very pampered at home, while her startup is really taking off these days, probably valued at $35m if not more. And she’s a bit younger than I am. Only a well born woman can deserve a life like this, because it’s her fate. Her family pamper her, so she would end up with a man who would continue to pamper her. I’m fated to take care of my family, because if I don’t, they’d starve to death. Therefore I end up with a man who needs me to do everything for him. That’s just my fate.

Although X doesn’t exist, I sometimes still need to resort to him for comfort. Right now I wish he could rub my back, give me a massage, because I’m really hurt everywhere. I wish he would tell me the places he’d like to take us to tomorrow, since it’s Saturday. He would check on my injuries and ask me how I’m doing and all the tiny details about our son’s growth today after our son has fallen asleep, instead of just passing out as soon as our son falls asleep. This would never happen to me though because my birth family would never do these things to me either. I’m destined to marry a man who wouldn’t do these things for me either. Fate is something that is passed on from one generation to another. Fortunately I don’t have a daughter because I wouldn’t want her to marry a man who can’t take care of her. I hope my boys can learn everything I can do from me so that they can take care of themselves and their family. And of course, it’d be nice if they can still remember to take care of me, at least just a little bit, when they grow up.