Irrelevant.

Tonight I am particularly upset. Mostly because I just realized that it's been exactly one year since Ivan and I last saw each other. Exactly one year ago, he promised me that he would never leave me and that he would visit me yet he failed to do any of those two.

At the airport, I looked back again, because the security guy told me to. He smiled and waived, and I did not wander around because I was very certain that we would see each other soon and be together again. I felt no insecurities. We continued talking on the phone after the security check point. He was my soul guardian. Everything was going to be fine with him around, no matter how difficult things were. We kept talking until the airplane was about to take off. I turned off my cell phone, and began crying under my blanket.

It has been one year already. The same time last year, there were so many promises made, so much hope left. Now, I am only lonely, empty, soulless, and filled with hatred for Ivan. He doesn't reply to any of my emails now so apparently, he doesn't care if I die now. Sometimes I feel that our relationship was an illusion. I can barely remember what he looked like and all the romantic moments we had were not real. Those moments feel like my fantasies now because if someone actually loved me that much only a year ago, how could he not care about my life at all? This doesn't make any sense at all.

Another booked.

I was surfing Facebook and found that M "secretly" changed his relationship status from single to in a relationship. He removed his newsfeed so nobody could see the news in their homepage unless they actually visit his profile. Heh.

Although I don't care about him, he's the last guy that I still have a little crush on and haven't given up. He promised we would hang out in both the City of Angels and in the City of Power while I joked that he'd definitely have a girlfriend by the time we hang out in those two places, and I have been correct! We were supposed to hang out in 10 days. Fucking 10 days.

Oh great, now I have another excuse not to lose weight. Ha.

Every man I like is in a relationship with someone else. Is it really my fault? What is wrong with me?

On the other hand, J is relocating to the City of Power too. J is my 100% match and I think he is single again because he "secretly" removed his relationship status and he just made a trip overseas but there is no woman in any of those pictures he took. Maybe, my love life will take a turn here.

I have been single for 7 months, but the image of Ivan having sex with D still disturbs, or I should say, hurts me. Why am I such a loser? Last night I was talking to Ian on the phone and I mentioned an incident; when I was still with Ivan, I once got mad at him because he kept saying how hot Megan Fox was after we saw The Transformers. I told Ian that it was something really pointless and stupid and now I don't even understand why I did it, and Ian thought it was nonsense too unless I cared about him too much. I denied; I said that I used to enjoy arguing over nothing, but actually I agreed with what Ian said in my mind. I cared about him so much that I wouldn't keep praising how hot other guys are in front him because when I'm with someone, I do my best to protect the other person's feelings. Even though objectively speaking there were plenty of guys around me and on screen who were much hotter and better than him, they didn't catch my attention at all because I saw no one but Ivan in my eyes. Yeah I was so stupid back then but now I have learned.

I was such a bad girlfriend. In fact I still think I'm unable to be a good girlfriend.

Fat.

I am gaining weight again. Fuck. I have come to this conclusion that my weight has a lot to do with my love life. If I am infatuated by someone, I lose weight very quickly and get skinny; that is, if I don't have a crush on anyone, I just gain weight.

Obviously, a part of me is giving up. No one guy interests me at the moment. I mean, I still fantasize men when I need to, but those men are just completely irrelevant to my life, such as porn stars or celebrities. You may see me write a lot about men I like, but in fact I have secretly given up on "desiring them" so it makes me feel better about myself if they don't like me back.

I am pretty sure the relationship between my weight and love life is an evolutionary thing: as women have the need to attract a desired mate, they need to look better to secure their mate.

Oh man, this is bad. I haven't been this fat for 5 years. Now my BMI is definitely more than 21 now. This is really bad. :(

He's out of my league.

I have met this guy JJ. Actually we went to the same college and majored in the same thing, but we were in different social circles so we never had a chance to be acquainted with each other. However, recently we started our contact via Facebook because we're both moving to the City of Power and beginning our new career at the same institution. We have hung out a couple of times; we watched a World Cup match once, and he threw a party at his multi-million dollar mansion last night. Surprisingly, I find him incredibly charming and humorous, not to mention he was a much better/smarter student than I was back in college. (He was a frequent winner of the Dean's Award while I had none.)

Nevertheless, he currently has a girlfriend now. They have been together for more than 4 years and they have been in a long-distance relationship for more than 1 years. After moving to the City of Power, their long-distance relationship will continue. I wonder what I need to have in order to make guys like JJ to love me.

JJ is super rich (as I have previously mentioned he lives in a multi-million dollar mansion), tall, good looking, extremely intelligent, humorous, personable, and charming. Basically, he is the perfect guy for every girl. So far I haven't seen anything in him that annoys others. In fact, I'm starting to believe that to be his girlfriend is not something you can strive for; you can only pray for it because it is purely luck, like winning the lottery. Last night at his party, several girls were trying to hit on him already (because his girlfriend was absent). Those girls were trying to touch his body, get him drunk, get themselves drunk, go to his bedroom, this and that, whereas I didn't drink a all. I also brought a large delicious Tiramisu and decent red wine to his place, while most people brought only cheap beers or empty hands.

I was gambling with some guys, and we eavesdropped a conversation between a girl and a guy that the guy asked the girl if she was JJ's girlfriend, and she replied, "oh if you think so I don't mind at all!" I thought that sounded just cheesy, but she was kind of drunk then; I also overheard that she has just been jaded from a past relationship. OK this is off the topic LOL.

I admit. I like JJ. My heart beat faster when he hugged me. I also like his mansion; it is almost like a palace with 24-hour security who opens the door for you even at midnight. But then, we all know clearly that he is not going to fall for someone like me. I am not comparable to him in any way, not even in my appearance. Richard pursued me because I was the hottest option he could ever have, but in this case, it is quite objective that JJ is even better looking than me. The only way I am better than he is that I am a virgin and he is not. LOL. Actually I still don't see how that makes me win. Everybody adores him, and every girl wants him. I could say he is my type--he is someone who can make me proud when walking next to him.

Yeah, recently I've been thinking about what "my type" is. I actually do not have a physical preference, because I've been with fat, skinny, tall, short, dark, bearded, bald, almost all kinds of looks. But I am concluding that if someone can make me feel proud when being next to him, he is definitely my type. Indeed, out of all the guys I have been with, Richard was the only one who made me feel that way, even though he was ugly. Sometimes Ivan made me feel that way too, but I am forgetting everything now. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if this is because of my low-esteem that I need something external to feel proud. Imagine if I actually dated Jes who is good looking but dropped out of high school, would I even be happy? I don't know. Would he be a hidden shelter of all my weaknesses and make me feel content or would he just embarrass me everywhere?

Accordingly, would I embarrass JJ everywhere if he and I were together? He has a social network of the richest, most educated and famous people in this place. Would they be talking about some luxurious lifestyle that I have no clue of? I have confidence in my knowledge and the education I have received (which is equivalent to JJ) but would my courtesy and etiquette be good enough for JJ's social and family life?

So there, I am hopeless again. I shall consider him a competitor because we are going to work in the same environment and specialize in the same thing.

Scared.

Right now I'm scared of many things. I'm scared that if I rent somewhere cheap the security will be really bad. I'm scared that I won't be able to pay off my debt. I'm scared that I won't be strong enough to move my stuff. I'm scared of my father. I'm scared that my dog will be hurt. I'm scared that I am no longer myself but someone living under the busy superficial pretense. Why am I so weak? If Ivan were still here I didn't need to be scared of anything at all. Kendra Johanson, please get used to all your insecurities and lonliness and get rid of your desire to depend on someone!!

Learn.

A few days ago, I got in contact with Jes again. We had a 4-hours conversation on Skype and discussed the possibility of meeting up in the City of Power. He still considered me intelligent, funny and cute.

However, only a couple of days ago, he decided to block me everywhere again, not contacting each other again, simply because I have become so hopeless about relationships and humanity and he thought I could bring him no positive energy. Then I finally realized clearly that he is very selfish. I suddenly remembered how he hurt me in the first place 6 years ago and pushed me into the ocean of numbness, and now he wants me to believe in true love? He can go fuck himself. He used me to help him grow but when I need him to be there for me he runs away. He's just the same as one of those guys who left me when I was in the most difficult time of my life; in fact he is even worse than Ivan because whenever I had emotional difficulties he left. At least Ivan went through some difficult times with me. That's it. No more exes.

Last night I was chatting with Ian about his relationship issues. Basically he didn't like his current girlfriend at all and he thought about his ex all the time. I quoted certain scenarios in How I Met Your Mother to him and explained rationally why one shouldn't get back together (or even in contact) with your ex because it prevents you from moving on, from looking around. The chance of finding "the one" is just as slight as winning the lottery and you have to be patient. If you're always emotionally occupied by an ex or someone you barely like, you will never be available to "the one" or even most likely, you don't even realize "the one" is already next to you. I told him that we all have to get used to emptiness and loneliness. If we're not strong enough we just find a wrong person or an ex to fill up the emptiness and loneliness, and eventually we are missing out the winning lottery. Ian has told me clearly the only reason he was with his current girlfriend was because he felt empty and lonely, and I believe I got in contact with Jes or dwelled on the idea of Richard for the same reason. After his counseling with me, I learned as well, and he was very thankful for my advice.

Tonight, he called me to tell me that his current girlfriend broke up with him and finally the mess was over. I have also let go of Richard. Richard had everything that I wanted but he wasn't able to take care of me, and he will never sacrifice any tiny thing for me. At last but not least, I hope Ian doesn't do something stupid such as getting back together with his ex.