Ivan Again

Images of Ivan kept resurfacing lately because apparently Mars and Ivan are of the same ethnicity. It's been sooooooooooo many years but it turns out I still remember everything. I remember how we first hooked up, and then broke up, and then he asked to be together with me. The moments when I cried and he comforted me, when I was so certain that no one else in the world would love me more than that, when I never gave up fighting for us, to be together.

At this point, I'm too tired to think if the kind of belief I have in love exists. Do people just marry people out of convenience? I don't care about the answer anymore because I don't believe so. I believe all the people, guys and women, are looking for what I'm looking for. Maybe in the end they give up and settle for much less. But I don't care about those stories; I care about mine and the successful ones. There isn't any in my family but there are some in my friends and biographies. I still believe that people want what I want so they write, sing, and make so many movies about it.

I watched Still Alice tonight and cried my eyes out. She's lucky because she's got a loving husband and kids. What if I get old but still alone? No one will take care of me and I'm gonna rot to death myself...

I have so many questions for Ivan. If he could ever respond to my email, I'd like to ask:
1) Is your wife your best friend now?
2) What do you think love is now?
3) What do you think makes love last?
4) Was what we had real love?
5) Was I really unlovable?

Please just once...

Dear X, I'm feeling so sad and quite mad at you right now. Why don't you show up? Why do you keep me waiting for so long? Can you fucking hear me?

Today, another cousin of mine just filed his divorce. He and his ex really had it going for a very long time, over 10 years. They dated for almost 10 years before getting married. They really got married for love. But what's wrong now? Fate got in the way. They couldn't grow through that together.

Today I didn't get anything from Mars so I texted him after work. It turned out his ex-gf told him that she was going to visit him and have their "closure". He said he cares deeply about her but doesn't want a relationship with her because he doesn't have that spark or passion with her.

We talked for a while about a lot of things but I think it's over. Because even if nothing happens between them when she visits him, I can't always count on that. It is kind of like Ivan and D. It's fate. I can't control it.

But this time I really do feel fate is working against me. It sends all these guys to me and doesn't even give me an opportunity to try, to work.

I'm so tired of trying. It has never gone anywhere close to the third possible scenario; it's always either the first or the second. X, give me a sign. Please, just give me one sign. Let me know I should keep waiting and searching for you. Otherwise, I am giving up. I wanna tear down whatever I have right now and just run away. There's really no point of living if you don't exist. Please hold me tonight. Please.

Magic

I think magic happens when we hold no expectations, and that's why people feel exhilarated when they see one.

Today I had my little magic. Mars took me to brunch today. Actually, I'd been to that restaurant twice already, both were dates, one of which was with Michael. When we got there, the interior was full and loud, so we sat on the balcony, the exact same spot Michael and I sat. I never wrote about what Michael said to me when we were on that date, but I remember he said something touching that made me cry again and we kept kissing there.

This time with Mars was great fun. We had great food, a great conversation. I asked him to listen to "Lloro por ti" by Enrique Iglesias because I told him on Sunday that I heard this song on Pandora that morning and simply cried without even knowing the lyrics and I wanted to watch him listen to this song. That was why we did today. We were listening to it together and I felt absolutely soft, or even melted by the music and his shoulder (yeah I was laying my head on his left shoulder). The balcony, the food, the air, everything. Music made the images meaningful.

But he thought it was "generic". Yeah, I do acknowledge that the song is poppy, but whatever, I'm a girl, and entitled to super poppy stuff like Taylor Swift or Katy Perry or Enrique.

He also showed me his favorite game "The Room" on iPad. Then I thought of Mandy Catron's questionnaire to make people fall in love, so I pulled it out and tried it with him. After just answering the first 12 questions, he got bored and kissed me again. This time, he said some stuff that was so sweet and moving and I almost cried right there. But I didn't, because a similar image already took place on the very same spot with Michael so someone my heart has hardened a bit than before...?

Here's what he said to me: You're so open about yourself. I like it that way. I want you to always tell me how you feel because that's how I know how to make you happy. I wanna have something meaningful with you. I'm confident that I can be the man you deserve but I'm taking things slow because I want to get to know you.

Maybe not in that exact order but that's everything he said. What triggers me most is that he said the opposite of what all other guys had said to me--he said he was confident that he could be the man I deserved; all other guys told me that "I deserved a better man", which meant they couldn't be the man I deserved. This time I feel strongly that Mars wants to make me happy, he puts me first. I feel so different from how I used to feel when I was with a guy before. This time, I feel, a lot more respect, and care.

But I want to take things slow too. On the metro, he told me that we weren't in a relationship and I could date other guys if I wanted to. Well, at this point, I'm still open to meeting other guys but I probably wouldn't kiss them. I feel a bit frustrated that he doesn't think we're in a relationship but actually, I do think it's better this way. Michael acknowledged our relationship on the second or third date and we still ended things in five weeks. That formal acknowledgement doesn't mean a thing. A guy can be cheating or not really in love with the girl even if he's in a formal, committed relationship. That's not what I want anyway. At the end of the day, it's all really up to his free will what he wants to do and how close he wants to be with me.

And guess what? He texted me in the evening arranging our next date on Friday. I felt surprised because he told me that even when he was in a committed relationship, he used to see the girl only once a week. I thought that was crazy and he thought three times a week with phone calls in between was crazy. And yet, he couldn't wait a week to see me. I feel very happy about that; I'm finally being treated like I deserve care and pamper and respect. =))))

Please remember me.

My biggest fear has always been being forgotten by people I care about, being neglected, being abandoned.

Tonight I had a weird bout of emotional meltdown simply because it was Saturday night and I never heard from Mars, the guy I went on a date with yesterday. He texted me briefly in the afternoon when he was at his friend's party, and never again after that. There could be many reasons, but I just felt so strongly that I had to cry. People think I'm crazy but I could feel that he was with someone, possibly a woman. Weird emotional meltdowns without a clear reason like this have happened before when Sean, Cato, Alex, Ken, Jes, Richard, and everyone else were shutting down and about to leave me.

So I'm assuming Mars will be doing the same soon. But if I'm wrong this time, here's what I want to say to him:

I felt really nervous, even panicked, when I was about to meet you. It's been a while since someone has craved to meet me or date me. What makes you even more special than those other guys who had an instant connection with me is that you said upfront at the beginning that you want to settle down with someone, so I believe we're on the same page. I really hope this could work because I want to travel with you; we can go to the mountains, the beach, or even Bali or Iceland. We can see the northern lights together; we can start a simple, content life. I'm saying all this not because I know you're the one; in fact, I have no clue at all. It's just that now I have learned that relationships are a lot of work. I'm willing to make this work and be just a little girl, and I hope you want the same.

If Mars is disappearing soon, I just hope that someone can remember me. Ken, can you please remember me? Or Eric? Or simply, someone? Am I really that easily forgotten?

Follow up

We kissed, three times, in public. What does this mean?

Btw it feels so good to kiss again.

Before the Meetup

I'm writing this entry now because I want to do it before the actual meetup. I have been chatting with a guy on whatsapp I met online. Our connection seemed instant--wits, ideas, the things we think about. Last night we talked on the phone for more than three hours; we didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. The conversation was a lot of fun and according to him, it was the first time that he opened up himself to someone right away before actually meeting the person. Of course I felt sweet, but we all know from this blog that he's not the first guy who feels that way about me.

We are going to meet up at 4 p.m. today. I don't know what's going to happen but I feel nervous, even anxious. Based on my past experience, this can only go two ways: 1) all the chemistry will be gone once I meet him and "smell" him in person because his pheromones simply repel me, like many other guys before, or 2) the chemistry and connection continues in person but somehow the relationship can't work.

Towards the end of our conversation last night, he mentioned that a couple of his best friends are girls and he actually dated them before. This made me feel really uncomfortable because you know I don't believe in platonic relationships and I know a lot of "best friends" end up being the most loving, lasting couples. I told him that in the past when I encountered situations like this with guys, I always asked them if they could guarantee that there would never be a future between them and their "best friend", and none of them could. He said that he promised there wouldn't be a future between him and this one girl. But then, Ivan hit me. I suddenly recalled that he promised me the exact same thing about D, and eventually they got married. So I said, "it doesn't mean anything because there's no escape of fate." Ivan made those promises to me not because he was lying, but because maybe he really wanted it to work and he really loved me. But fate kicked in. It was beyond our control. I cried but tried to sound poised on the phone.

He said that if it bothered me then I would be free to back out anytime; he also said that he didn't want to be with someone who can't accept that he has close female friends. I had a long pause and said, "But why can't it be the other way around? It sounds like that you already assume that the lover of your life can't be as close as your friends so you're choosing your friends over her." He was confused too and said that he wished he never had to make that choice. He also said the fact that I don't have any close friends makes it an unhealthy idea to find "the one" that I can count on like the only rock. There are a lot of things I can say about this but I chose not to because it was late and we were getting serious without having even met in person. So I'll explain here--friends come and go. Friends who I used to believe and confide in are no longer in my life. They wouldn't find out if I died in this moment; they don't know what's going on in my life and they don't care. There's no one I can talk with on a daily basis. There are occasional social gatherings with my students but I feel like I'm always repeating the same thing. I have to give them so much background information from the beginning so they can understand where I came from and why I am who I am. If friends never stay, I think it's a waste of time and energy so eventually I have stopped trying to make close friends. There's no one in my life at the moment who knows my deepest insecurity. Evan knows some stuff; Bruce knows some stuff; William knows some stuff, but no one knows the abyss of darkness in my heart that has been haunting me. No friend will want to be near that abyss because they're occupied by their own stuff too. Therefore, instead of trying to find several close friends in my life and stay in touch with them for the rest of my life, I think it's better and more likely to find the one who I can share the rest of my life with; he's a family by choice and family will always be family; they don't leave each other.

Another point I'd like to make here is that it is human nature to share emotions with someone else. I am tired of going through the fun stuff and bad stuff all by myself, and I know everyone else is too; they just haven't admitted it. That's why we have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all that stuff. They're eating something alone and why bother sharing a picture of their food on Instagram? Because they feel good about the food but it's lonely to be the only one having that feeling; we all need empathy from others to survive, to feel that belonging. If there were never needs for approval, empathy, or "likes" from people around us, none of those social networking websites wouldn't have succeeded and become the largest IPOs in history. You know I'm right about this.

So you would ask me, how about the third possible way? What if this guys turns out to be the one? Why am I being so pessimistic and never thought that he might be the one? Actually I have thought about it, that's why I'm still meeting up with him today. I'm not expecting anything and will be sticking to my boundaries this time. My mentality is a bit different from before--I used think that life without a partner is terrible but now I think it's both fine and not fine. It's not fine because I still feel lonely and very sad when I think of Ken, or Ivan, or some of the guys and how beautiful and happy the time was when I was with someone. But it seems quite alright at the same time because I write; I write to X  in this blog. I imagine about X and his embrace, which makes me feel less lonely. In the worst case scenario, I will end up being with my illusions for the rest of my life, but is that such a bad thing if this imaginary lover never hurts me or abandons me?

Bomb

X, I need you tonight. My company tossed a grenade at me today and I don't know how to deal with it.

So someone in the scheduling department sent me an email moving the dates of some classes in summer and fall; however, in one footnote, the administrator mentions that one of my classes on Saturday starting late August might be taken over by a new teacher if they have completed the preparation by then so "I wouldn't be so tired."

After reading the footnote dozens of times and sharing it with my brother and friend, I've been convinced that they are trying to find someone to replace me. Of course there can be other reasons, i.e. my workload is indeed too heavy at the moment, there are indeed too many people in my class, which reduces the effectiveness. But the idea that I can be replaced freaks me out. I feel extremely anxious and insecure.

So X, I really need to talk to you now. What does this mean to me? Should I start looking for a new job? Should I settle for a lower salary in a different industry? Or is it the universe's way of telling me to slow down my life and have more time for myself? There are many ways I can look on the bright side about this, but right now I feel pain and insecurity.

Am I getting less fluent and eloquent than before? Am I being dumbed by this job? Am I weaker and less attractive than before?  Whatever it is, I am feeling so tired of being strong and independent all the time. I'm just a girl. I really just want to be a girl. People in the 21st century don't like to hear this buy I want to depend on someone; I want to be safe and cared for. I am really so tired of being thrown away by life over and over again...

The dating scene today

I reactivated my OKC account about a month ago and have met three men off of it since then. The first guy was great--intelligent, good looking, gentle. However, he's emotionally unavailable and kind of sketchy; he cancelled our first date the last minute and we met up a week later. He never gave me his phone number or any sort of social media. Blah.

The second guy and the third guy I met up with are both in their late forties. Neither of them paid for the first date but I thought, "fine, men today are broke and cheap."

The second guy asked me out tonight and I agreed. However, I was so exhausted from work and hanging out with my mom for a while in the evening so I postponed our meeting first for 30 mins and then another 15 mins. He got mad and texted back "I'm here for 10 more minutes and if you make it you pay for the drinks." I was already on the metro and pissed too. First, I slept only three hours last night and hadn't had a chance to take a nap the whole day. I was trying so hard to make it and yet no appreciation. I even dressed up for it. Second, I didn't really go on a second date with him because 1) he's divorced, 2) he's not good looking, 3) he didn't pay for our first date, and 4) we have the same job and I'm sure he doesn't make as much money as I do. After I explained to him how tired I was and he told me to get a life. Voila. I texted him back that he could just go home right away and blocked him.

There's also another French photographer who has been texting me and in his late 40s too. Sometimes I think he's quite special; other times I just find him desperate. I agreed to meet up with him and he said, "well, since you chose the location you have to pay for my coffee." There, fucking loser. I'm blocking him too.

The third guy I met up with is from Chicago, in his late 40s too and divorced with no kids. He didn't pay for my first coffee either but he asked me out for a second date tomorrow and he said it'll be his treat. I don't think there will be a future with this guy although he tried to kiss me the last time. I just wanna talk to someone so badly, which is why I agreed to go. Besides, my relationship coach told all the girls to keep an open heart in order to meet the one.

But you see, dating is so hard these days. I went to a speed dating event three weeks ago and guess what, none of the 25 men at the event contacted me afterwards. Of the 25, only one or two were intellectually compatible with me. I thought I'd be harassed by some weirdos, but none, no one at all. Not sure if that's a good thing.

I am writing this entry at a Haagen Dazs while waiting for the entry to Avengers. Everytime when I have Haagen Dazs ice cream I just think of Ken and a rush of grief passes through my heart. Our telepathy doesn't work anymore; he doesn't think of me anymore. The only possible explanation is that he has found someone. But if he really has found someone, I don't think I can continue my life at all.

Broken

On Saturday, I received an expected whatsapp message from Richard telling me that his brother and old-time roommate were in town. Then his brother called me and we decided to go get some drinks for the night.

So his brother was with his French girlfriend, and there was Richard's ex-roommate. We went bar hopping, talked casually, which was fun. When we were at the second bar, I couldn't help but ask his brother, "how's Richard doing lately?"

He told me that Richard is finishing up his PhD and just bought a bar last week. I continued, "does he ever wanna settle down?" He said, "he's actually married; it's been almost a year."

Then it hit me. I can't say what it was. I just feel so sad, and still do. My tears were rolling down like a faucet the entire Sunday as if I could just collapse right here, right now. It's not that I still love him or miss him, but I'd say, I miss myself, the 19 or 20-year-old me. I miss the way I was when I was with him; I miss how simple relationship was back then.

My own inability to build a nice, stable relationship with a man also hit me hard. Three out of the four men that I have loved are all married. Maybe even Ken is married, who knows? It seemed so incredible to me that Richard could get married because as he told me, relationships scared him and he enjoyed sleeping around. At least that was what he told me when he came to visit me in the City of Power. If someone as insecure as him can get married, why can't I even have a relationship that lasts over three months?

So it is my problem after all. All the guys I'm dating now are big time losers; they wouldn't even bother to pay for my coffee and they're all in their late 40s and divorced. What's wrong with me? Another thing that makes me really sad is that I have never received the mail that Richard sent me 9 years ago. He told me he sent me something after he received my mail, but I never received it. I also hate my mom for it because I'm pretty sure she stole my mail.

If X doesn't exist, what am I going to do? What is the point of living if you're not there, X? I think life is absolutely meaningless if there's no companion on my journey to death. The idea that we should enjoy the company of ourselves is a sad, fucked up shit because being alone is meaningless. Life without that power that shelters us, lets us know someone is always there for us, is meaningless.

This all leads to one conclusion--if Ken is married to someone else now, I might really just end my life right there; if I don't have the courage to do that to myself, I will also shatter whatever I have now into pieces because life is absolutely meaningless without "us".