Project Serotonin

I've been feeling so angry at Ken lately. Sometimes I sat on the floor, stared up to my Christmas tree and cried because of Ken.

This morning I woke up to a nightmare with Ken in it. I saw myself going to his neighborhood to find him, even though I had no clue where he lives. We did run into each other by accident. He got much fatter than before. He held me up and comforted me. He asked, "I'm serious about you. Will you be my girlfriend?" I felt so touched and cried, but I hesitated and asked, "what do you mean by being your girlfriend? I'm looking for marriage and a family. You have to call me every day and see me several times per week. You can never disappear on me again." He said, "yes, I understand the kind of commitment you're looking for." Then I felt so happy and said yes. He kept holding me in the air.

But why do I call it a nightmare? Because I felt doubt in my heart in that dream. I cried, and I couldn't wake up from that dream. I had to struggle to wake up.

Ken, please stop causing me pain. There's a part of me that's so diluted and hoping that the Season 8 "The Final Page 1 & 2" of How I Met Your Mother will actually happen this Christmas. Barney ran into Ted's wife who set him straight, but has Ken been through a wake-up call and checked with the reality, his life, the true inner voice from the bottom of his heart?

I guess it's just so difficult for me to make Ken a bad person in my mind. It's hard for me to believe anyone is truly bad because 1) I'm conditioned to do that with my parents; despite all the abusive things they did to me, I had no choice but to believe they love me, although I know that's not unconditional love, or just love and 2) it makes the world a less miserable place to live in.

Alex called me via an iPhone app while I was at the gym yesterday afternoon. I felt extremely surprised but I didn't answer because the signal was poor. I texted him back instead. He said it was an accidental push of the button, but that also meant he was checking our conversation and he did want to do something with the vocal features in the app.

But anyway, he asked me out on Thursday evening for food. I said yes. I'm aware of his tricky girlfriend situation but I want to spend more time with him face to face so I can see if he's the one I want. If I really like him, I will tell him after the dinner that I'm starting to like him and I don't feel comfortable about his girlfriend situation, and ask for his opinion. At least he's not married and I've known a lot of great love stories that begin like this. I will just keep my boundaries firm this time.

And today, he already talked about going to see the Hobbit next week. If these aren't dates what are they?

I'm engaging in Project Serotonin at the moment. I just renewed my gym membership and I'm hitting the gym 4 or 5 times per week. I need to boost the level of serotonin in my body without any chemicals to maintain my confidence level and everything else for my health from a holistic perspective. It's a big ass project.