You can't escape from destiny.

 Have I used this title before? I must have, because it's a recurring feeling in my life.

I have written here for almost a year because I started a more public blog for my kids. Time flies. Little N is almost 10 months old. All the challenges with Little N's physiology we encountered before seem to have resolved themselves, although these have not been confirmed by his doctors due to COVID. Ha, COVID. Remember it's called COVID-19? Now it's 2021 and the virus is still there! All the medical centers here are occupied by COVID patients so they asked me to delay Little N's appointments there because his problems are much less urgent than COVID.

Since the lockdown in the City of Rain, there have been more conflicts between me and Angel because we can't have helpers anymore and we had to work and take care of the kids simultaneously. But today, I felt so much pain that I decided to write again. At lunch, which was my first meal of the day, I was interrupted by my kids, as always, and had to cuddle Little N to sleep. After he finally fell asleep, I went back to the dining table and all my food was gone. Angel ate everything without asking me if I was done. I know it was so trivial to most people, but it hurt me so bad because for the past 3.5 years, my life has been like this--I've never had a chance to finish a meal at my own pace without interruption, and oftentimes when I come back to my food, Angel ate all of it and I was left with hunger. 

This has happened a million times, but the problem with Angel is that he does not remember things. He's made mistakes that hurt me repeatedly; we would have a huge fight, he would behave well for one day, and then he'd go back to his normal self and make the same mistakes again. It makes me feel that there's no "me" in his heart. His intuition is to take care of himself first, always. He does not respond at all to a kid's cry or complaint. It's almost as if he really doesn't hear it; he would keep phubbing and phubbing and spending lots of time in the bathroom or enjoying his meal even if the house is exploded with kids' noises. He keeps telling me that it's because he's clueless, he's neglectful, etc. Over the time, it all sounds like one thing to me: I don't matter. 

What's really annoying is that when I tell him how I feel, he would always say "of course you matter. You're the love of my life." My question is always, "do I look loved to you? If a woman is pampered by her man, would she look like me?"

I'm really fat these days and I'm starting to have skin problems. During this lockdown, I spend all day in my pajamas, not even with a bra, and by the end of the day, I'm covered in my kids' drool, pain, food, you name it. My kids are my everything to me and I am happy to sacrifice for them, but meanwhile, I wish I had a shoulder to lean on. A man who can drive me, a man who can take care of the kids once in a while safely, a man who can at least speak the local language here and run some errands for me, a man who can cook for me some time to at least surprise me. He is not to blame though, because it's my destiny. When I was young and pretty, no other man wanted to marry me; men who had the ability to take care of me did not want to marry me. I cannot escape from my destiny; it is my mom's destiny too. Fortunately I don't have a daughter because if I do, she'd probably repeat my destiny and end up with my pain. A woman just can't escape from her destiny.

So if I have totally accepted my fate, why am I still whining here? Because the pain is too strong for me to bear. I have to write this down, late at night, when everyone is asleep, at the expense of my own sleep. I saw a more recent news article on Ken's wife; she's slender, mature, and wears a lot of make up like mascara, manicured, and simple expensive jewelry. She lets her long hair down too. I wear none of those because I'm afraid they could scratch my kids or be toxic to them. I keep my nails neat because I'm afraid they would scratch my kids. Due to COVID I can't go get a haircut but I tie it up tightly because I don't want to drop hair onto my kids or have my hair get in the way of my doing housework. I'm so fat right now that my plantar fasciitis is killing every day. On the other hand, I have to be physically strong in order to be the man and the woman in the house. I drive my whole family in our Sienna; I need to carry Little N on my front or my back for hours every day, even when I'm doing housework, and he weighs 26lb at the moment. I'm not complaining about his weight, because I am truly grateful for his growth; it could mean that his heart condition is not having an effect on him. I'm just not like those women who can have most things taken care of for them so that they can stay slim and pretty. Ken's wife said in one interview that she would devote two hours a day to her kids after work, and then she gets her own free time. My question is, what kind of parents give their kids only 2 hours of their time a day? Before the lockdown, I'd usually get home from work between 4 and 5 pm, and I dedicate all my time to them until they go to bed, and then I'd shower myself and go to bed at midnight or 1am, and the next day I'd have to be at work at 7:30am. With only 2 hours a day, how do you bathe your 2 kids, feed them dinner, change their diapers, and play and read with them? That means all the errands are taken care of and she only needs to do the fun part. 

Given the boarding and private schools she went to, I believe she came from a wealthy family and that was probably the way she was raised too. Ken wants to pamper a woman like that, although I must say she's like a million times more talented than Ken. Yes, she is someone he adores and puts on a pedestal. I was once a woman like that to so many men, but nobody wanted to marry me. Again, I cannot escape from my destiny. It's just not in my destiny to be treated like that. My destiny is to be a self-sufficient man and a woman, who provides everything for my kids. My kids are my everything. I wish one day they can make their wives happy; I wish they could feel good about pampering their women and kids and that their shoulders can be leaned on.

I say all these things but right now I really wish there's a man's shoulder I could lean on. It's 2am, and every night Angel is snoring even before the kids have fallen asleep, whereas I have to stay awake until Little O is sound asleep so I could brush his teeth thoroughly for him. Sometimes I want to talk to X; sometimes I think about Jes. I know they're not real, but the imagination that they could give me what I want brings some comfort. How many kids does Jes have now? Is he really a stay-at-home dad? He must have really good life skills and is able to carry kids on his back all the time. Angel's excuse is that he's old and he's got a back problem, so I end up being the one carrying the kids all the time. I remember about a decade ago, Jes said he wanted to save enough money so that he could be a stay-at-home dad once he has kids. I wonder if his dream had come true. He and I had the same kind of traumatic upbringing so we both understand and do whatever it can to be there for our kids. Too bad he did not have the courage to believe in us and to meet up. If we did meet up back then, I would not have played the elite games and gone into the elite world; we would just live a very simple life in the middle of nowhere, and kids would be our everything. I was so naive back then and I just wanted to escape my fate. My only two options were to either play the elite game and leave my original family or to elope with a man. He understood my pain even though he did not have words to sugar coat his empathy. Right now I really need that empathy, because I don't get any in my life. Angel is incapable of empathizing with anyone; he needs me to give him instructions for every single thing in the house to do things right. I have to spell out what I want him to do every moment. It's truly exhausting and draining all my emotions.

My 12-year journey for love ended with Angel. I do love him, but it's not romantic love. It's the same kind of love I've always had for him since the beginning--I want to take care of him and he's my family. Is it because I gave up after getting hurt over and over again during those 12 years? Or is this what it is after all? Women all end up with someone who becomes their family? I'm 35 now but I still don't know what good sex feels like, and I probably will never know. My vibrator does the job well and if I combine that with my fantasies in my head, I'm willing to live the rest of my life like that for my kids. Without Angel, I wouldn't have Little O and Little N. I am willing to go through all the pain and sorrow in exchange for their good life.

Is there really a woman out there who really has reached the happily ever after and is forever romantic? I know many celebrities seem like that on social media, but so many of them end in divorce. Does Ken's wife still feel romantic with him? After reading so many interviews about her I kind of feel that she might be secretly in love with her co-founder. I think she settled for Ken, honestly.

I wish a man could feel me. Jes and Ken were the only two who could do or say what I wanted without me telling them how I felt. They're long gone now; they both have found "the one", according to themselves. I, in the end, just gave up on the idea of "the one" and surrendered to fate. The universe knows I'd suck up to whatever shit in life for my kids; it knows me too well. But right now, I really wish there could be a shoulder for me to cry on, someone who understands me and feels me. X, do you hear me?