New Journal

Today I bought myself a new journal made by a company in the City of Gold. I realized that typing my journal on my phone is too painful for my shoulders so I decided to start to write with pen and paper again. It also gives me a chance to proofread what I publish here.

So here's for today:
December 26, 2013

Every child's power is infinite. It's not about their intelligence, but the way they look at things in life. I don't think any human being can be called entirely smart or stupid; smart kids make stupid mistakes and "stupid" kids come up with the most brilliant words and perspectives that smart people like us have never thought of. It's all about the way and the angle we see the world. For example, these 10-year-old kids in my class told me they have taken the train by themselves to another city, completely by themselves. Upon hearing that, I was completely shocked because they could be kidnapped or lost. But these kids told me these trips are in fact exciting to them. Then I began to wonder what their parents are like. Are they as naive as these kids? Or these kids are just being themselves? If they're being themselves, then their power is limitless. They see this world as a beautiful place. They're much smarter and stronger than I am.

How do I be a kid again? I want to be as fearless, cute, and enthusiastic as these kids. Kids cry a lot, but they also laugh a lot. I'm the same way. It's not that I don't ever feel happy. In fact, I feel happy easily; just a circus show made me say "I've never had so much fun in my life!" But when he's gone, I cry my eyes out.

I still cried a lot today, on the bus, at home...

Why does every man cause me so much pain? Even if our encounter is as brief as just a few dates? Am I diluted? Am I seeing the good qualities in them that are in fact not there? Maybe a relationship expert would tell me it's the chemistry that makes me see how beautiful and kind they are. But how do you explain the way I see kids? Most kids in the world are annoying, but never to me. I see every child as a piece of white paper, born kind, naive, and vulnerable. That's how I see every man too. But how come nobody is staying for me? How do I comfort myself as a child? How do I hold and hug myself like there's a bigger person holding and hugging me? How do I tell myself he will show up like it's someone else telling me that with affirmation so that I'll have no doubt at all? It's so hard to believe like a child.

He said, "they look better together. You'll keep it for me."

"I wanna know what it's like on the inside of love. I'm standing at the gates. I see the beauty above. I can't find my way in. I try again and again. I'm on the outside of love. Always under or above. Must be a different view to be a me with a you. Of course I'll be alright. I just had a bad night." ~ Inside of Love by Nada Surf