Ahh so fucking stupid!

I just got all of my courage and rid of all my ego and told Ian that I liked him a lot. Obviously we all know what happened next. Blatant rejection. It was my first time to spit out the words though; I have never done that before because usually I can conclude correctly by the guy's actions.

Why would I do something so stupid even though I already knew it was going to be a rejection?

I feel sad, but again, I can't cry at all. I really want to cry but I just really can't. Is this some disease?

[cont.]

I feel sick, really sick. I can't eat and I can't concentrate on anything. Why am I such a weak pussy? I want to have a steel heart, or a diamond heart that is extremely strong and can be achieved only by money.

Lost battle.

Today Ian and I met up for a few hours to go over the stuff that he wants me to help with. Then there was some chick who was calling/texting him nonstop. Eventually he told me that it was his new girlfriend and they have been together for about 2 to 3 months (which means they have been together right after we last hooked up). I asked him to show me a picture of her but he refused because he thought she wasn't hot and he didn't like her that much.

I am sure I succeeded in hiding my disappointment.

Then it started to pour rain. We both got soaked while racing on the streets with only one umbrella given by the lady at the cafe.

Oh well, I was right. My ego doesn't get hurt as long as I get some expensive material rewards from helping him out. I should feel fortunate that I am helping him because of the reward instead of my like for him. Ah, life sucks. I wish I could cry some tears out but I'm really really unable to.

Couples.

I hate going out at night because couples are everywhere. Even the people I go out with are coupled. It is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

My best friend Tin has a boyfriend now, which is quite unbelievable. She is 24 years old now and this is the first guy she has ever been with. How she met this guy is another more incredible story. Obviously online, but not through a dating/networking website. She posted an ad of wanting to find someone to play some online game with and there came this guy. They met up after they had already set their Facebook relationship status to "in a relationship". For me this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous, but then, it seems to be a blessing in disguise? To really think about it, she is definitely happier and less lonely than I am now. So, who's the fucked up one?

I have almost forgotten almost everything I have done with Ivan. Sometimes I even feel our 1-year relationship was really nothing. We didn't even have an anniversary. It was so fucked up. But tonight when I was centered in the crowd of couples, I saw Ivan in my mind. I saw that we used to do EVERYTHING together; I didn't want to go anywhere without him. The breakup was like amputating a part of my body. You don't grow a hand after amputating one, and how can you expect to grow a part of your heart after cutting off a part of it?

These days I brought up another conclusion in my mind. Since no love in the world lasts forever, infinitely, it's better to keep some things of actual lasting values throughout the relationship, such as diamonds, cash gifts, electronics, etc so it hurts your ego less when your partner breaks up with you.

I reason why I came up with this idea is because Ian wants me to help him on something which I am really good at. It's going to be a lot of work and I know he is using me. Thus, I told him directly that I am not doing it for free; he can either give me cash or buy me a new unlocked smartphone and I am pretty sure he will give me one of those. That is, I will have to be entirely professional and turn this into a business. It's time for my crush for him to end.

Yesterday I saw "She's Out of My League". It's not a great movie, but it does mention something that is probably true; most men who are self-conscious cheat, or, most men are self-conscious. I think all of my exes have told me that they were not good enough for me and hence they broke up with me or cheated on me. Is being too good my fault? Should I change and stop being a 10? Isn't there another 10 out there? I am pretty sure Ian is self-conscious, given his record of cheating on his ex-gf and fear to ask me out again. He's not the type of guy I want, although we always have lots of fun when we hang out.

I should also stop praying to see Richard again this summer. Several days ago, I asked him on Facebook when he'd be done with his degree, and he asked me "why" and never replied to my question. I didn't even bring about any clue that was remotely related to my wish but he chose to ignore my question immediately. Unless he already knew exactly what I was wishing for?

Inhibition.

A few moments ago, I almost picked up my cell phone and texted Ian "I am thinking of you." Fortunately, my rationality inhibited everything. If I really did it, all I was going to get would be hurt.

When I began dating Ivan, there was this one time when I was shopping for some furniture, and he texted me and asked me if he should move into my apartment complex because he had doubts about the rent and space. I texted back immediately, "I love you." What happened after that text message was painful. I felt hurt and painful that he could not reciprocate immediately. The next day, I received a text message saying "I love you too..." Yes, with dots, which means doubt. But the sweetest thing was that we slept together that night so he sent the message right next to me when I was asleep. I thought that was love, but now I have learned a hard lesson that I should never initiate to do these things because the immediate response may be negative, or even if the immediate response is positive, the relationship will eventually fail in the most painful way you can ever imagine some time later.

So there comes the inhibition. Inhibit inhibit inhibit. Don't ever let the man know that you like him. In fact, don't even like him. Inhibit the like. Inhibit your interest and care. Inhibit your desire. Don't do anything unless he initiates to take the adventure.

The irony here is that I try so hard every day trying to extend my connections, but in fact there is no human being I can actually connect with; I only connect with my dog, money and Lady GaGa's songs sometimes.

Pouring rain

It was pouring rain today. By pouring I mean you could at least expect to drench your shoes even if you hold a big umbrella.

I went clubbing with Ian tonight, and a couple of other friends. We had fun, but nothing happened. It was the first time met up with each other since the last time we met up (and made out).

It's true that I had no expectations for hanging out with him tonight, yet I still felt a tiny bit of disappointment. There wasn't any hot guy at the club anyway, although there were at least 800 people. Maybe it's really because I'm not attractive?

I also had lengthy chats with my close friend Susan. Then I realized that she is more apathetic about men than I. In fact, she thought she has never actually loved anyone, and it wouldn't make a difference to her if one relationship ends. I want to be just like that.

Why can't Richard make a little effort to meet up with me again? Just one week, or even one day. Give me a surprise. Cheer me up. Let me know that I am special and deserve the best. Indeed, it's very easy for me to dwell on Richard because everytime when a guy hurts me I can always easily say he's not as good as Richard anyway and I can move on very quickly, and almost feel no pain. Just as when Ivan broke up with me, I began to dwell on Richard very quickly. Ivan hurt me more than anyone else because I let go of Richard for him but it turned out he dwelled on some other bitch. It was an ego damage, like I lost the game by sacrificing first. One thing for sure is that there's no morality left in relationships these days.

I often wonder if Richard now is the same as the Richard I remember. He's most probably not the same as the one in my mind now. If that's the case, it means that I am dwelling on some unreal image. It sounds like a really unhealthy bad thing right? But you know what, when I was in school, I used to do that all the time so I could ignore all the boys and concentrate on my studies without feeling hurt. That's what happened to me and Ian when we were in high school. It was pretty much known by everyone in the class that we liked each other but I was obsessed with my studies and passed Ian. Later he became close with another girl in our class and I just began to dwell on some unreal men (mostly Hollywood celebrities) so things were easier for me. But you know what, I was happy back then, and I don't even remember being lonely. Could it be that I am now weaker than what I used to be?

It didn't rain today.

Today wasn't a great day. My morning began with a huge fight with my mother; she accused me of having the same personality as my father and that drove me crazy. I can handle any kind of insults except for this one. I hate my father so much that any semblance to him makes me feel really really humiliated and valueless.

But anyway. I still hit the gym after the fight. I wasn't very happy from working out though; my tears were tumbling in my eyes from time to time.

And then, I saw a guy ask for a girl's phone number. At the beginning I was stretching and this petite tanned girl caught my attention. She peaked at me a few times too. Later, I saw this cute guy go up to her and break the ice. I went to use the cross trainer. I peaked over them from the cross trainer and 20 minutes later, the guy fetched a notebook and asked the girl to write her number on it.

Was I jealous? Not really. The guy wasn't really my type and he's probably only my height. But then, it would be nice if someone ever approached me like that; I've been working out at this gym for 5 years and nothing like that has ever occurred to me before. It makes me wonder if I'm too fat or too ugly, although my rating on HotorNot.com is 9.4. On the other hand, after my fight with my mom, I had been thinking about Richard all morning. Honestly, I desperately wish he could make a little effort this summer to meet up with me again. There are so many things I want to tell him. I want to talk about relationships and politics, share sarcasms and insults, and belittle people with him. After all these years I have learned to become a fawning hypocrite with everybody because no one else in my life has such a huge ego to mock others and to laugh hysterically for being mocked.

Richard sucks. He has caused too many tears for me.

It rains every day.

It's been raining a lot, and I can no longer inhibit the urge to write, although I really do not have time for photography at the moment.

My mind has been very clear recently. A few days ago, M got pissed by one of my sarcastic jokes, and that made me realize I cannot be with someone who is not, if not more, as intelligent and confident as myself. M has this tendency to brag about his model-type ex-girlfriends and his social network full of celebrities; that day he was bragging about a party he went to that was full of musicians, actors, etc and he was now "buddy" with a director. So, I just dropped a random sarcasm out of apathy, "huh, sounds superficial." That was it. He got mad at me. He thought that I never met his friends so I wasn't allowed to judge them. But from what I have sensed is that I must be partially correct so that he got mad because usually confident people don't get mad at euphemisms or sarcasms if they are not true, and if you know clearly that you're not like that.

There. This episode has totally washed out my interest in M somehow. We've been friends for a long time and he is successful, but I know very clearly he's not suitable for me, especially intelligence-wise.

This is why I am still holding onto those vague memories about Richard; we were just too compatible in terms of our ego and intelligence.

Several days ago I accidentally found some pictures of my second boyfriend Fred, which made me recall how innocent and confident I was at that time. I wasn't the jealous type at all; he was very hot but I never thought about other women getting involved in our relationship. I was much less sexual and I didn't let him when he tried to kiss me for the first time. Oh, and Facebook. Facebook makes things very complicated. When I was dating Fred we didn't use Facebook at that time, so obviously I never thought about making our relationship official or anything in public. I was much less demanding in my relationship with Fred. I don't understand what happened after Fred that changed my behavior.

I became more sexual after Richard, because he was very sexual. He taught me a hard lesson on how modern people today always seperate sex from love. He broke my heart, made me jaded, self-conscious, etc. We all know the story. I should hate him.

What I've been convincing myself is that I don't need men to humiliate me. I don't need them to tell me repeatedly how bad my personality is, how sucky I am at being a girlfriend, how crazy my mind is, how fucked up my childhood is, and how unlovable I am. Nope. I don't need all that crap. Way before these men entered my life, I was a happy satisfied lonely girl who lived in a beautiful world.

Richard and I met in the City of Moonlight but none of us lived there. It's been almost 4 years since we last saw each other. I have this tiny desire to book a ticket to the City of Moonlight for a short vacation in summer but I shall really save for the City of Power. I guess if Richard really cares about me he should visit my city, since he's the rich one.

In sum, I am waiting for a nice Richard to come into my life. A nice Richard who is exactly the same as Richard but doesn't have a weak penis that gets hard for every pussy. That's a lot to ask of a man, huh?