No way back.

After speaking with my relatives in China, I realized I cannot go there. The pay there for someone of my credentials is even lower than what I'd get for working at a coffee shop here. I have no way back. I must find a job in the next 2 months and stay here. I do not have an exit option; exiting is not an option. I must make this work.

Oftentimes I feel lonely here but now I also realize that if I go home or go where I have relatives, I will only feel worse because they will help me beat me up. Here alone I can cry, get angry, anxious whenever I feel like it and although I don't get any support from anyone, I don't have to listen to my family criticizing me, scolding my weakness, neglect, reaffirming my disbelief in myself. I think I am emotionally mature enough to take care of myself. I am ok with myself feeling frustrated, nervous, doubtful, angry, sad, etc and I don't need family around me and give me those judgments to my negative emotions.

I fell asleep when I was at 24 on my list, so now I'm beginning at 25:

25. I am good at Scramble.
26. I am good at tasting and making good food.
27. I am good at photography.
28. I have a superb fashion sense.
29. I have really creative imagination.
30. I feel touched even by subtle emotions of people or my dog.
31. If my family or true friends need me, I will be there.
32. I have 5 friends who are as close, if not more, as my family.
33. I never betray my friends, family, and my dog (although I feel guilty for not being able to take her wherever I live and leaving her with my family).
34. I am good at analyzing psychology.
35. I am quite healthy.
36. I have read, traveled, seen, and listened to a lot of things so I'm a bit of a know-it-all.
37. I am very careful and don't forget things easily; I haven't lost a wallet since I was 7.
38. I am really good with kids and dogs.They all love me.
39. I am also good with middle-age to senior people; somehow they enjoy engaging in intellectual conversations and maintaining lasting friendships with me.
40. I am extremely good with numbers; I can do most calculations in my brain.
41. I always have the ability to renew myself after going through a huge trauma, for example, the time when I got scammed by an organized crime group, the time I was fired, the time I realized I could not afford to attend the Ivy League school that accepted me and had to settle for a school that was remotely comparable (although I have a master's degree from a top-notch school now), and all the heartaches from men. I always stand up.
42. Although having had so many heartaches, I still manage to love myself enough and respect my body that I stick to the principle to have sex only with someone who truly loves me, even though being a 26-year-old virgin gives me doubt some time. However, I believe this way of loving and respecting myself is the right way. I am also certain those who are able to have casual, uncommitted sex are emotionally damaged, empty, or numb.
43. I am very good with money.
44. I am articulate.
45. I am very good at hand crafting, including beading, sewing, making my own jewelry, and nail arts.
46. I never give up on myself no matter how depressed I am; I always hold onto some lines of optimism.
47. I pay attention to and enjoy little things around me.
48. I have the courage to dream big, no matter how bad the reality looks like.
49. I have the ability to figure out right and wrong on my own, no matter what other people, including my family, say.
50. I am curious about almost everything.

50

Yesterday I had another emotional breakdown. I had been feeling nervous about the job hunt thing since last Friday when Ken informed me that there are lots of corporate politics and restructuring going on so there is a lot of uncertainty in giving me an offer. Finally yesterday when I chat with my mom online my tears began to roll down at the coffee shop. It went on for more than 6 hours. I was talking to my mom and then my dad and my tears would not stop. I don't want to give up my dream of staying here; I want to exhaust all my opportunities before I return home. Also, during the 6-hour crying marathon, I was becoming self-destructive again. I hadn't been like that for months, but yesterday I couldn't figure out what makes me happy and the point of living. I felt I owe my family too much and my existence doesn't bring them happiness.

Then I chat with my brother. He thinks I value nothing in myself and my happiness is entirely built on others, my parents especially. Then I realized if I loved myself and decided to pursue my passion, I would hurt and disappoint my family and I have no strength to hurt anyone, especially my family. If I was allowed to love myself in the first place, I would have taken more professional painting classes and become a painter when I was in pre-school. My mom got angry every time when I told her I wanted to be a painter and every time when I did not get an A. In order to make her happy, I sacrificed my happiness.

Anyway, I reviewed a part of the self-help coaching program this morning and the coach wants me to write down 50 strengths I have, so here they are:
1. I have acute senses.
2. I am good at visual aesthetics.
3. I am intelligent.
4. I am humorous.
5. I have an extraordinary perseverance.
6. I am tall, slim, and good-looking.
7. I can be talkative when needed if there is an awkward silence.
8. I am quick-witted.
9. I am good at euphemisms.
10. I am entirely responsible for whatever is assigned to me.
11. I always keep my promises.
12. I am caring and considerate.
13. I have a really good memory, including things from 1 or 2 years old.
14. I am extraordinarily good at being bilingual, native fluency in both languages in reading, writing, and speaking.
15. I am good at being efficient and saving time.
16. I am good at finding market inefficiencies.
17. I am able to understand my dog's body language and connect with her.
18. I am really good at catching people's body language and uncomfortable feelings.
19. I can read people's mind.
20. I can learn very fast.
21. I am artistic.
22. I can handle big situation, such as meeting celebrities or speaking in public.
23. I am a loyal friend.
24. I am good at geeky stuff.
25.

The Wait

The wait to hear back from someone else's decision is the most painful. Yes, right now I am referring to other people's decision to hire me. A couple of days ago, I finished a pint of strawberry ice cream within a day, and my weight now has increased from 120 to 125lb. I tried to divert my attention from the wait and suppress those negative emotions including fear. I must pay more attention to my anxiety and nervousness now. The wait is painful but the best way out is through, even if that means I have to cry every day. If infants can cry every day, why can't adults do so?

Scientists say infants cry because they have only two ways of expressing emotions--crying and smiling; it is also a way for them to exercise and burn calories. Do we adults really have more than 2 ways of expressing emotions? For example we scream or smash things when we get angry, but don't tears naturally follow the scream or smash? At least that's the way it is for me. In my own case, for any of my negative emotions to go away, I must have a bout of cry, even if it's fear, nervousness, embarrassment, frustration, jealousy, insecurity, not to mention grief. All these negative emotions morph into sadness, and therefore tears. Looking at emotions this way, human beings are in fact very simple because the same logic applies to positive emotions. All my positive emotions, such as excitement--wait, I can only think of a couple of positive emotions!--directly lead to happiness. Then I smile or laugh, like an infant. In essence, my emotions are nothing different from a baby's!

Suppose other people's emotional morphing process is the same as mine, why do we have so many different words to describe negative emotions and so few words for positive emotions? Perhaps it's because we human beings are so afraid of showing sadness (and anger too). For example, we often say, "I'm not sad, just frustrated", or "I'm not sad, just nervous." Oh wait again, the second one doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm sure most people can feel nervous without feeling sad, whereas for me, after feeling nervous, I feel sad because of the pain of feeling nervous, because of the fear for a bad result.

OK now I'm just going to write a little note to myself when I find a job; things I will buy as soon as I get a job offer:
1) New iPad 32G in black with a fancy designer leather case, although I haven't decided whether to get a 4G/LTE package.
2) Two Giorgio Armani suits.

Hmm that's it!

One of the Keys

Something good is happening to my job hunt. Ken is trying to arrange me a position in his team based in the City of Gold so I will not yet leave this country in the near future. The bad thing is that I feel quite scared about my work-life balance if I start to work for Ken again. I actually want to be able to date more and settle down with someone.

Tonight I feel quite lonely. My brother returned to the City of Cafe a few days ago and I felt so sad and lonely. I was frequently irritated while he was here because I was so fed up taking care of him; even though he is an adult he is barely nearly as independent as I am. I think he has the ability to be on his own but he's too timid and lazy to do so. Nevertheless I felt plenty of sadness and loneliness after he left.

I have not been kissed for 7 months now. I hope it will not take another year to be kissed again, just as the time between JJ and Cato. Sometimes when I watch the movies and see couples kiss, make out, or a girl waking up in a guy's arm, I crave that. A month ago there was this guy H, at my company but not the same department, who asked me out. He is a child of two doctors, like Cato, and has the skin color of Ivan's. We went out once, I felt pretty good, and I refused it when he asked to come home with me. He bailed out the last minute before our second date and never asked me again. I'm pretty sure he is not emotionally ready but since then I've got no new dates.

The Rain

I just created a new template for my blog. The rain feels cozy because it's cold (which makes everything else warm), because it's noisy (which makes everything else quiet), because it moves (which makes everything else immobile embracing).

I have finally figured out what "the unknown" stands for; the unknown is love. For my entire life I have been unable to know what love is yet I suffer to pursue something unknown. This unknown thing I've been chasing after is love. I do not wish to give love a dictionary definition. It should bring me an ineffable mix of feelings and emotions, but no more pain; it should be nothing like the kind of abusive love my parents give me.

Happy ever after is real.

No Control

I just got turned down by a position that I felt extremely confident about. I thought my interviews went really well because I was so knowledgeable and skilled in that area. However they thought the position would be too junior for me so I was not a good fit. Yes, I took that personally and felt really frustrated and cried. If I do not land a new job within the next couple of months I would have to be deported. Given this shitty economy everything is out of my control. Ken is also helping me out on this, which made me feel really sweet.

Sometimes I crave a bear hug from behind, from someone who is so big and can protect me entirely from the outside.  I wish someone could hold onto me and never let me go. However this is not happening and I've been thinking about relocating overseas again. I might move to China if no jobs come up here. Perhaps this place I've been living in is no good for me; no one would cry out loud "Kendra don't go!" Going to China doesn't mean something like that would happen to me but at least it's a place I haven't been to for a long time and maybe there would be new opportunities there. I dreamed for my entire life to be where I am right now but it turns out this position brings me nothing but pain. I am not as happy as I imagined to be if I were in this position. If one dream doesn't turn out as good as it's supposed to be, one can make a new dream. My new dream now is to be happily in love and married and with kids. Then it doesn't matter whether the dream happens here or in China.

I am now starting to look for clues, from the universe maybe? I'm neither religious nor superstitious but it seems fun to search for subtleties in life and see if they make me feel good. If they don't make me feel good then maybe it's a sign to leave; this is just like what Jeff does in the movie "Jeff, who lives at home".

Snow White

Although I know it sounds ridiculous to cry one's eyes out while watching Snow White and the Huntsman, I did for the entire 2 hours of the movie. The story is still a little fairy-tale-ish, but it's trying to give an important concept--a woman is most powerful when vulnerable. I cried a lot during the movie because it reminds me of what I am on the inside but extremely scared that others would take advantage of my vulnerability, like my family did. They criticize, scold, punish, or threaten me every time when I am emotional and vulnerable. This is also what my new self-help program is about; I need to accept and love my emotions regardless of how others judge them. At the moment I am still unable to express my emotions in front of my family; I saw the movie by myself today so there was no one near me to see me cry. However I am more able to show my emotions in front of men I date.

At the moment I feel a lot of fear about the job uncertainty again. And of course, I feel even sadder to know Ivan has his life perfectly on track whereas I am not in control of anything. Nothing can ever be in my control anyway. I can only do my best and whatever happens afterwards is not in my control.

I also feel very very lonely.

In need of some space

Today I have finally confirmed with one of Ivan's friends that he's getting married this month. I don't know if he is marrying the girl who was constantly calling and texting him while he and I were dating. I do feel terrible sadness and grief yet because my brother is crashing at my place at the moment I cannot have a bout of good cry. Holding back my tears is very difficult; I feel depressed if I don't allow myself to cry.

Ivan has barely been single. We started dating only shortly before he broke up with his ex and he started dating someone else right after we broke up. I, on the other hand, have been single for almost 3 years since our breakup. Over the past years no one guy actually chased after me; it was always me initiating things and trying to make things happen. I intend to believe that I am desirable by men but I don't feel that yet...

I plan to cry myself to sleep as soon as my brother starts to snore. I need to let the tears out. Everyone I love hurts, except for my dog Baby. I wish she were here right now.

I love water.

I was on a trip with my brother, grandmother, and aunt over the past week as the contract for my last job ended. I was amazed by wonders we saw during the trip; I had been craving to see the Niagara Falls since I was 9 and I finally saw them after 17 years. On the other hand I realized how difficult it is for me to express my true self to my family.

I realized everyone in my family is emotionally shut down. They ask so many rhetoric questions to hide their emotions. My aunt and my mom reveal only good news to my grandmother; my grandmother has no clue of any distressing events or negative emotions in her daughters. I'm afraid that kind of communication pattern will be passed down to me. The interaction and conversations don't feel real although there were still a few moments I feel moved. They give a lot of judgments to everything. I feel the way I grew up is a continuous alternation between slaps on the face and treats. I hate it but I don't know if I have an option to just leave my family, like a complete emotional cutoff rather than just geographic distance.

Recently I've been wondering whether being highly sensitive is a gift or a curse. If I called it a curse, I would be calling myself something negative, and that would be a dangerous place to be. However if it's a gift, why do I feel sad, unsettled, disturbed, angry so frequently? I feel disturbed by things that actually have no impact most other people. Even my brother doesn't hear some tiny noises that I am able to hear (P.S. I am not saying I am hallucinated; I'm saying I can hear things from afar whereas my brother hears those noises only if he gets closer to the source of the noises). That means, me being highly sensitive is biological rather than mental. It's possible to plasticize neurons these days but is it possible to reduce one's hearing and other sensing ability by will?

Cato is flying overseas tomorrow and will not be back for a while. I don't know where I will be for the next step of my career so there is a fair chance that me and Cato will never see each other again because we're not connected electronically and I don't feel there would be any chance he would try to find me back some day. Just like how Ivan has disappeared completely from earth.