Our Life

I took Angel home to meet my parents and relatives in my family over the holidays. He's done a great job impressing everyone with his politeness and agreeableness. But tonight, I just got a phone call from my aunt checking in on his back problem.

After explaining his scoliosis surgery and why the way he walks is a bit weird--a result of a slight difference in the length of his legs, my aunt seemed to be ok with it. But somehow, I began to feel tumultuous. I had uncertainties before about his back problem at the beginning too and it was also a source of conflicts between us back then. Now our love is stronger than ever; in fact, he wants to marry me and he just hasn't proposed yet. I am going to an emotional turmoil because on the one hand I do want to get my family's blessings and support and on the other hand even without my family's approval, I know Angel is the one for me.

This phone call is making me feel insecure again. Is his back problem really a big issue? At first they thought it was ankylosing spondylitis, which could mean that all his limbs will fuse together at one point and become completely dysfunctional later on in his life; it might also be passed on to our kids. After knowing that it's just scoliosis corrected with spinal fusion surgery, they should not worry that much.

I felt really stressed spending the holidays with my whole extended family because I knew they are judgmental and would say things like that about Angel's back. None of them has my intelligence and wisdom and yet I can't just simply leave this family as if I don't or have never belonged here because I do belong here and love them. They, and in fact, most people always judge and look at things on the outside. But what about the inside, the real bigger issues? I've already dated a lot of men. Most of them are tall and strong on the outside, perfectly healthy. But some are heavy smokers, some are heavy drinkers, some are both, like Ken. Or let's just say men in my family. I have pretty serious myopia inherited from my dad and my dad now is almost blind. Or my brother. He's had 3 big surgeries on his penis for leakage in his urinal tract and the first surgery was done when he was only 2. It's not visible on the outside but I believe those surgeries definitely had an effect on his growth, e.g. his height and potentially homosexuality. Put all these physical issues aside, how about mental issues? Many men I've dated who are tall and muscular on the outside also have bipolar disorders. They were on Xanax, antidepressants, and sleeping pills. They can be workaholics and completely ignore my and our children's wellbeing like my father did. They could get violent with me one day, or they could abandon me one day. They could cheat, fail their career, hurt our children due to their mental instability. Angel doesn't have any of these issues; he keeps a healthy diet and is completely free from any substances. Most important of all, he's always patient and generous with me; he even puts my wellbeing in front of his own. Things that are not visible on the outside are usually the things that can kill us. Angel looks a bit weird on the outside--in fact it's not even that bad, just when he walks, but he's a total hero on the inside. It's not like he's crippled or in a wheel chair; he just looks a bit unbalanced and dorky when he walks. He loves me and I love him; at the end of the day, people who judge him today will no longer be there when we're in our 50s or 60s. They won't be there to take care of me; in fact, they can't take care of me right now either. So why should they have a say in this?

Another thing that deeply attracts me to Angel is how healthy his family is and how he was raised with those values. He has the most healthy, functional, open family I have ever seen and that's why he is so gentle, patient, loving, and confident. That's why he's not afraid to commit to our relationship, to start a family, to give me what I want, because he has what I want. All of the other guys I've dated came from really dysfunctional, or even violent or single-parent families and that's why they got so scared the moment I demanded commitment and a vision of a family together. Angel is one of a kind and that tiny imperfection on the outside is just a blessing in disguise, because he has been dealing with it since he was a teenager. He must have been judged or bullied but he does his best to maintain his health and honestly I think he's in a better shape than I am, although he's 8 years older than I am.

All in all, it's our life, not theirs.