Nothing to Lose

It's been quite a while since I last wrote. I started my new job at this new company and will move into my new luxury apartment in downtown City of Gold tomorrow. For the past couple of weeks I've been crashing at Ken's luxury corporate apartment because he's working on a few deals here. I have every reason to feel lucky and happy yet I've been suffering from anxiety for 3 weeks.

I was back in the City of Rain 3 weeks ago for my cousin Love's wedding. Her wedding managed to  gather every member in our family and we flew across the world for the wedding. It was an amazing day. We began all the preparation work at 8am and went through all the ceremonies and banquet and got home at midnight. There were lots of tears and laughters. I hope to be in that position soon.

As for my anxiety, I have just been so scared of what happened to me 3 years ago, when my career and whole life collapsed in front me. This company is very new and I am doing the initial business development stuff; we have not closed any deals yet. I am so afraid that things might fail and everything I have now will be gone.

Then my dad has been calling me every day, trying to simulate my boss's thinking. Cato talked to me on the phone a couple of days ago for more than an hour. He got one thing right on the spot--it's not because I don't trust my boss but because I don't trust myself; if I trust myself I wouldn't be worried about not being able to find a job if the company fails. He also pointed out that I am actually much more optimistic and happy about life when I am unemployed, i.e. have nothing to lose. The conversation was incredible because it made me see myself so clearly now.

I believe human beings are the most powerful when they have nothing to lose as if they're not even afraid of dying. What happened to be 3 years ago, i.e. being expelled from the City of Extreme and forced to gather my life together from shattered pieces, is an early lesson for me to go through what it's like to have nothing left in life. Literally nothing left--no money, no job, no lover, no friends, no family to talk to. It was a very painful moment of my life, mixed with constant sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, and grief. One thing was falling apart after another. If I could survive that, I can survive any other difficulty because there is no other difficulty imaginable that can be worse than that. So from now on, I am letting go of my life. I will let the air lift me up rather than fly with my own hands. In the worst case scenario I will only get back on the ground zero. As long as I am still breathing, there is really nothing to lose. I want my life to surprise me.

On Ken, he's been treating me really nicely. Sometimes he cooks for me and takes me out for food. One day I came home crying feeling anxious about work, he tried really hard to cheer me up. However, he has a tendency to pull away after some time. He would start to hang out with other girls and ask me if they're hot. Also he's quite judgmental about me, himself, and other people. I definitely don't want to be around that.