Pouring rain

Three days, and counting.

I realized that I was the one who initiated our dates and the last few conversations, so I decided to lean back and see if Sean misses me enough to initiate these things, it's been three days and counting, he knows I'm sick. He didn't drop me a visit. No phone calls, just texts. Now I don't initiate any texting, and I haven't heard from him for three days. I'm giving up.

This feels so frustrating. He seemed to be a really nice, naive guy who doesn't have much experience with women and still lives with his parents at the age of 33. I thought he'd be as naive as I am. I was wrong. Nobody cares about me. Nobody loves me, I don't know how I managed to make every nice guy a jerk, I'm feeling so much pain.

I'm listening to Running Around in my Dreams by Tyrone Wells repeatedly. It was the first song that Michael sent me. He said everything he wanted to tell me was in the song. Today I looked at the gift wrappings and the two movie tickets on our first date on Valentine's Day. Winter's Tale. It was a dream come true. I thought a miracle really happened. How could he abuse me like that if I was the girl running around his dreams? He didn't treat his exes like that. Why would he treat me like that?

I'm feeling so much pain, loneliness. Dear X, where are you? If you do exist, how can you bear to watch me suffer from all this? There's so much pain in my left chest. I can't even make a man like me for more than a month. How am I going to have a happy ever after? And build a family with him, raise children with him, and take care of each other when we're old and grey?

I feel so angry, agitated. I want to scream, and maybe jump out of the window. I do not see any meaning to my life without love. There's a dark hole in my heart that just doesn't mend itself. I need a man who loves me with all his heart, and I'd do the same for him. It's impossible for one to be complete on their own. That's why everything in this world is paired. All of our organs are paired. Everyone should be paired. 

Unwell

I caught tonsillitis on Saturday. Actually my left tonsil had felt a bit itchy some time during the week but I never paid attention to it. Unfortunately, I worked 5 hours straight on Saturday and didn't take a nap and went to a bar with my students at night till 2:30 a.m. That was how everything got worse.

I hung out with Sean on Sunday. It was mostly me who planned everything. I asked him to go to the beach with me and he agreed. He didn't initiate plan any date for us. After the previous weekend, we both decided to be healthy with our next date. Hence I proposed the beach day idea.

We decided to meet at noon. It was rainy that day. But I continued to pray to the universe that the weather would be fine at the beach, just like the day when Eric took me to the beach before I left the City of Gold. Guess what, as the metro drove into the beach town, it stopped raining. It was not all that sunny and bright but the weather was fine. The universe heard me again.

We went to a nice cafe on the beach. On our way, he told me about some latest technology that MIT, Stanford and Havard are collaborating, which is a computer chip that can shut off people's emotions by switch and optimize human rationality and analytics. I find modern day economic structure very disturbing. People are trying to control everything in their life, for what? They hate their emotions so much, and they continue to numb themselves. Anyway, we already know how I cherish human feelings so I'm not going to write about my theory again.

He also told me about his ex girlfriends. He has three ex girlfriends in total but only had sex with two of them. He almost forgot about his girlfriend when we first brought it up on a date. She's a doctor's daughter and near the end of their six-month relationship, she became unreasonable. She would say nothing and just told him that she wanted to leave. He asked her why she would do things like that and how come everything was fine at the beginning of the relationship. She said because at the beginning, she didn't know him well so she was well-behaved. After knowing him better, she started to show her real self. She started dating another guy near the end of their relationship and broke up with him. I felt shocked by women like this because if a relationship is maturing, it has to be even more cherished and protected. I admit there were times I took Ivan for granted, but for most of the time, I felt secure in his arms and I would fight against anything and anyone for us. If I can find a relationship like that I will do my best to make it last forever.

His second girlfriend was a three-year relationship which ended because of long distance. She went abroad for school and got married and has kids now.

His ex-girlfriend was two years ago. It was a six-month relationship but she cheated on him with an on-and-off ex-boyfriend.

I believe I'm a much better woman than all three of them. I would give up my career for a man who loves me. I will never cheat. And I will do my best not to take him for granted. Even so, I still can't find someone who loves me.

After the beach, we went to the hot springs. We had a lurxious hotel room for 90 minutes where we could bath together. Of course we made out and did some stuff. But that was when my tonsillitis worsened. After the hot spring, I felt my left tonsil was swollen twice the size than before. We went to dinner together, but I felt kind of bad for not eating much. Perhaps I shouldn't have ordered anything. I told him that my throat was hurting so badly all of a sudden. He tried very hard to cheer me up, like telling me what I should do and what I shouldn't have done. But all in all it was his fault because I was wearing a low-cut dress for him that day and caught a cold because of my dress. ;-)

It felt nice holding hands with interlocked fingers in public. When we were together, I felt safe, as if he was devoted to me and I had nothing to be afraid of. Over the past couple of days, he texted me and we talked quite a lot. I couldn't go to work because of my tonsillitis. But today, I heard nothing from him at all. Doesn't he miss me at all?

The past couple of nights were miserable. I had fever and menstrual cramps on the first night and the second night was better. But I was sweating a lot using my sleep. I woke up in wet clothes. These nights scare me because I feel so alone. If I were married now, my husband would be right next to me and I would have nothing to be afraid of. But it just doesn't happen. I went through all the most difficult time and sickness all by myself, even when I thought I was dying, like being feverish for consecutive four days and not eating anything. Thinking about this sad truth makes me cry. I really want to be held by a man who loves me right now. 

Bizarrely, Michael texted me on Sunday night. I guess he had just finished his band practice. He said he was walking home slowly, thinking about me and feeling confused. I didn't reply to him. But today, he sent me another text asking how I was doing and if my health was OK. I felt surprised because if seemed like he heard I'm sick from someone who knew me. I told him I caught tonsillitis and haven't been to work for a couple of days. He briefly comforted me and didn't say anything else. If there was a man who could be with me right now, he must be the one. Unfortunately, there is none. Do I ask too much? Is it too much to ask someone who loves you to take care of you for a day or two? Or maybe it's just because no one really loves me...

I can't sleep.

I've been suffering from insomnia for the past couple of nights. Yesterday I dreamed about myself screaming and crying like an infant out of extreme sadness and desperation and anger. I think I actually cried too. Tonight I woke up in the middle of the night and haven't been able to fall back to sleep since then.

Lots of things have happened since I last wrote. My brother came home from Australia for just a couple of months to renew his visa. Then I realized he's officially gay, or bisexual. He's in a committed relationship with his guy roommate in Australia for two years. They're already thinking about getting married in New Zealand. After learning this, I felt shocked for a few days but eventually I grew to accept it and now I feel at ease with the fact.

Another new thing I've learned about fate from this incident: you really can't force something to happen. My mother wanted a son so bad that when I was born, 72 hours after her water broke and suffocated in her womb and probably almost dying because the stupid Catholic hospital refused to give her Caesarian unless urgent, she didn't see me or hold me simply because the nurse told her I was a girl. She finally had her son 2 years after I was born, but he turned out to be not a real boy she's always wanted. My brother went through his first big surgery at the age of one because of a born defect in his urinal tract. He's only 5'2 and I'm 5'5. I've always excelled at school and he was only average. He gets sick much more often than I do. Now being 26, he still doesn't have a steady job or a certain level of savings because apparently he spends a lot of money on his boyfriend.

I feel a bit exhausted exploring the repeating pattern of fate, of the universe's work. It brought me Michael, who I thought was the one and we'd be together forever, who made me believe love did exist and my dream finally came true. Then the universe made Michael violent. It pushes me back to the pit where I really don't know what love it anymore. At nights, I think of these men, oftentimes Ivan, Ken, Eric, Michael, Jes, Caesar, and Sean. I make more money and am more educated than some of these men. I thought by lowering my standards I could get more love from them. But that's only a calculated way to look at things. Like me and Jes, we were people in different worlds, but I did love him very much and he later admitted to me that he did too but things just didn't work out. If I can settle for a man who's only high school educated and makes less money than I do for the sake of true love, why hasn't true love happened yet?

My ill-fated love life is making me sick. It makes me wonder again if I am simply unlovable, by any man. Alex said I am loveable, but why doesn't he love me?

Last Saturday Sean and I went on a date at my favorite sports bar in town again. Some days he doesn't talk to me at all. Some days he initiates a conversation, and other days I initiate. He's 33 and still lives with his parents. On Saturday, I asked him if he could join me to a short trip to the southern beach at the end of the month because I will have a few days off. He said he really wanted to go but he wouldn't have his parents' permission. I asked to further explain why his parents wouldn't give their permission but he didn't. Then I explained for him and said, "it's because you're moving abroad for your master's degree soon and they need to know where our relationship stands." He said that was it. I felt sad immediately, because it simply meant that he doesn't know where our relationship stands. Am I his girlfriend? Am I just a hookup? I almost felt like crying and he held my hand. He said in a cute voice, "don't be sad...I like to see you smile."

A few moments later, I moved on and started to be humorous and came up with some logical solutions for him. These involved eloquent lies, or even virtual presence because he's a software engineer and he should be able to program something like that. We shared a lot of personal stories that night. I cried again when talking about how Baby passed away that day. We didn't want the night to end, so he took me to a massage place in the middle of the night and we both got massages together.

After that, we returned to my apartment where my brother actually crashed that night. It was already 5 a.m. We got quite naked in bed and were making out. My brother woke up in the morning and left my place at around 8 a.m. Sean and I woke up and started to make out again. He came twice that night/morning and I only used my hands. I wanted to lose my virginity to him that night but I hesitated. He kept asking me if I was sure, but I just couldn't do it if the man hasn't told me "I love you." I told him if he could go to the beach trip with me I'd probably do it with him, but he still struggled with his parents.

Am I a bad person? What have I done to deserve this? Even an inexperienced nerdy engineer cannot commit to me. He's not even my type in the first place, although later I realized he's really muscular and has a decent size down there. I stopped shutting people out in order to open myself up to love, but this is what I get. Hurt. Hurt. Is all I get. Is opening myself to a betrayal to my instinct? Perhaps I was fated never to have love since the moment I was born, because my very own parents weren't even there to hold me after all I had suffered.

On my first date with Sean, I told him that I am very sentimental and cry easily but I don't bitch to me man or complain about the things they do. He asked me what I expected the man to do when I cried. I said, "He has to hold me. Don't ask me why I cry so much or tell me I have no reason to cry. Just hold me and I'll be fine."

I want to be held, so badly, right now, and every moment into the future.

My heart is smarting again as I write down this wish.

Can I make it?

As of right now, I am suffering from a panic attack that I might not be able to make it. I feel like I'm dying. I am no longer productive at work and I sleep 12 hours a day. I continue to procrastinate work and reason with my feelings.

I had a great evening with my students tonight. We practiced some problem sets and then talked about relationships. They're a group of highly intelligent students aged between 20 and 28, which is quite closed to my age. I feel like I can connect with them easily.

I ran into Michael at work yesterday. I just came out from my lecture with high levels of serotonin in my body, so somehow I just smiled at him like when we were beginning to date, as if I could run into his embrace. And then I remembered that it was over and I started to feel awkward, so I pulled out my phone and looked at the text messages. I was hoping I talk to him in private for a while before he left but unfortunately one of the staff was talking to me about work so I couldn't leave with Michael.

Seeing him caused me so much pain. A few minutes later, he sent me a text saying that I looked smart and pretty. I simply replied "thank you." Today, he sent me a short recording of a conversation between him and his student about a HIMYM episode where Lily moved in with Barney for a while.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. All the men come and go. Nobody is there for me. I don't know if I keep supporting myself. I want to run away, right now. That empty space in my heart just doesn't go away, after years of soul searching and self help. What should I do?

The Rain, the Kiss

A couple of weeks ago, one of my former students asked me out for dinner. I was still dating Michael back then and I never thought it was a date. For starters, this student never contacted me after he finished my class last November. He last wrote me an email about a month ago, telling me his admission to one of the prestigious MS programs in software engineering as well as his interviews with Google. He expressed his gratitude for my help and would like to stay in touch. We connected through LINE and a while later he would like to have dinner with me some time.

A Sunday evening date 3/30/2014

Sean is five years older than me. He took me to a nice Swedish restaurant and brought me Lindt chocolate bars from Switzerland, one of which had my favorite strawberry. Our conversation was flowing continuously for 9 hours, from 6:30p to 3:30a when he dropped me home. He shared his experience about his interviews and work, while I talked about random facts that I've observed in my life and surroundings. I felt comfortable talking to him about brainiac things because he's one of the few people in the world who can immediately understand what I'm talking about. He also listens carefully without interrupting. After midnight, he took me to another bar because the restaurant was closing. Then we continued to share more personal things.

He seems to come from a fully functional and loving family. His communication with his parents is much better than me and my family's. I've always wanted to be with someone who grew up in a loving family so he doesn't attack verbally or physically. He has a great personality that he seems calm and rational all the time, but he isn't afraid of sharing his feelings too. Yesterday he texted me saying that he felt really comfortable talking to me. And when I talked about how gullible I am and how I was lied to by so many people in the past, including my current boss, he thought I was like a little girl and couldn't resist getting closer to me. He liked my innocence and he thought it was quite magical. That was why he kissed me in front my apartment.

I dodged when he was about to kiss me for the first time. I had to speak my truth. I told him that he'd be moving away soon and I didn't want things to be so complicated. So he hugged me and I melted into his shoulder for a while. We moved to another corner and then he still kissed me. The most magical thing was that it began to rain as we kissed. There were lightnings too. It was the first time when I kissed in the rain, and you know how much I love the rain. In the middle of it, I paused and crossed my arms over my chest. I said, "now you have to explain this. I date people only with marriage on the table. So now what? Are you gonna take me with you?" He said, "are you coming with me?" I said, "Sure I can." He asked, "What about your job?" I said, "I'll just blow it." He smiled and continued to kiss me. I felt sad for a few moments because I was afraid he was just another player. I kept saying to him, "you're a player!" He suddenly sounded like a child and said "no I'm not." He wanted to move it to my apartment but I insisted not to. He was afraid that people could see me since I'm a bit recognizable but I didn't care. Eventually we got cold in the rain and had to part.

My love life is more dramatic than How I Met Your Mother, and sadly, I don't like its grand finale. I cannot believe that Barney and Robin got divorced and Tracy died young. Barney got a love child and Robin was still alone and focused on her career. I was prepared for 40 minutes of tears of joy but I felt shocked for most of the time. Nevertheless, I want my belief to stay with The End of the Aisle. There will be a happily ever after.