Turn It Around

Jan 28, 2014

Sometimes it's interesting to take off my earphones for a while and listen to what everyone else is saying near me. For example, I'm having lunch at this shabu shabu restaurant alone right now, listening to the two girls across my table talking about their own and others' relationships. As the conversation flows, I find myself judging them at times while feeling rather content that I'm eating by myself. When girls dine together, it's absolutely inevitable that they talk about relationships but in a very masculine way. They never stop analyzing different men, but deep down they're all looking for clues for themselves to know that their men are actually OK. Those two girls were talking about abortion, ovulation, their men, video game addiction, etc. Everyone is kind of screwed up in this world. No, in fact, they're more than kind of screwed up; they're very screwed up. It's just that most people don't have the courage to acknowledge it.

Jan 30, 2014

Chinese New Year's Eve. The first thing I did this morning was crying. Menstrual cramps were painful. But my date last night made me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm writing this entry at WB. Before coming here, I saw the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother twice in a row, and cried twice in a row. Then I was listening to Way Back Into Love and cried my eyes out. The weather continues to be amazing in the City of Rain and I decided to come here to write.

I've been doing a year-end review. I do miss Ken, and Alex. Jeffrey was taking me to a park in his town yesterday afternoon but then I bailed out. Somehow I just felt very scared to go on his car and let him take me. He seems to be nicer and more into me than any other guys, but I just felt scared, as if he's kind of creepy. I canceled our date, lying to him that I had a cold, although I did feel weak. Then I felt guilty and confused after I had dinner and occasional arguments with my dad again, so I decided to ask Jeffrey to come out to WB with me. He said it's too far for him so we went to the Jade Lake instead.

He picked me up and we spent about 3 hours together. Sometimes I let him hold my hand, hug me, and I even let him kiss my head, but other times I kept pulling away. When we were sitting by the lake and watching the stars, I told him that he has everything I want in a man but somehow I'm not attracted to him. He thought I was only talking about his qualities on paper--education, home owner, car owner, etc. But in fact, the most important thing is that he seems to really like me and treats me like a gentleman. He said he's connected to me but he doesn't like me a lot yet. I don't know the difference between the two. He said he likes me because I feel different, and there's a huge wall I'm putting up against him, and there is because somehow I feel so scared to share my feelings with him. I've been sharing my true self with so many men and yet, there's this guy who's not intimidating at all, and he makes me shut down.

When we were about to leave, he went to the bathroom and I was gazing at the stars, blaming my instincts for working against myself, and then I cried. He came out and hugged me from behind, kissed my head a few times. After a few seconds I shut down again. I now realize that if I'm praying for a miracle, it should be me being able to fall madly in love with the right person for me.

Today, right now

As I am watching the fireworks in the Buddha Hill from my apartment window, I am wondering what would happen if I could turn around the night at the Red Room. If I had just assumed that Andrew must have been bashing me to Alex, I would despise Alex and not respond to him at all. If I never convinced myself that maybe awkward guys might be the right ones for me, I would have never talked to Alex, or even looked at him, because I thought he was awkward and was unable to handle big situations like I could the very first moment I met him. But I changed my judgment. I didn't judge him and somehow became attracted to his awkwardness. I intentionally removed my defense but it invited him to hurt me. Is keeping an open heart a good thing or bad thing?

I just hope that Jeffrey can stick with me and give me more time to open myself up to him.

Across the Ocean

The weather has been incredible these couple of days, about the comfortable 70 sunny degrees, so I decided to bus to the north coast and watch the ocean by myself.

When I was in high school, I used to have this superstitious habit to decide how my day was going to turn out to be within the first couple of hours after I woke up. I looked for signs. For example, if I felt grumpy, and the timing of all traffic lights was poorly coordinated, or I happened to have to be stopped by all red lights on my way to school, it would be a crappy day.

It was a pretty accurate indicator, although sometimes I was able to find lucky clues to change the luck of the day, sort of intentionally changing my thought and hence the vibes. Of course back then I didn't know that well about the universe and luck. As I started college, I became an atheist and completely forgot about this stupid six sense. But now I'm getting it again.

For example, the past Friday was an unlucky day. I got up earlier than usual but I arrived at work almost four minutes late, because I couldn't get a cab on the street. But before that, as soon as I woke up, I saw a text message from Alex. He told me he was in the City of Angels. I replied, "Somehow I felt that." He never replied again. I felt so heavy and sad again. Maybe he's marrying his gf after all. Maybe he realizes I am just a slut who means nothing to him. I cried, and I was probably late because of this. So I couldn't get a cab. I had to take the bus, and I missed the first bus, and the second bus made me detour one more stop on the subway. Hence I was late. I almost cried on my way to work because I freaked out. I had never been late to a class, because so many people were waiting for me, not just one or two, so it's not allowed. Fortunately nothing serious happened but I just continued to feel terrible on Friday, and the sense of guilt didn't go away until today.

Today, however, was a lucky day. All the lucky signs were there. The elevator arrived quickly; as soon as I stepped out of my building, an available cab showed up in front of me. Then I got on the subway smoothly without any delays. After I got to work, I had so much fun with my students and one of them even gave me a farewell gift; it was apple tea powder he got when he attended a conference in Turkey.

After work, I went to get lunch, and hopped on the train for the coast. As soon as I arrived at the platform, the train was right there. I didn't have to wait at all. Then I bused to the coast after getting off the train. It was a beautiful ride because I finally got to see some ocean. I haven't seen the ocean for almost a year, and the ocean is such an important part of my life, especially after having lived in the City of Gold right on one of the piers.

I felt the warm sun, I breathed in the salty air. I felt so soothed. Alex didn't come through my mind at all. Nothing sad came to my mind. I felt pure comfort. Unfortunately the park I went to was currently under protection so I couldn't hang out in the water. I wish I could put my feet in the water and just feel the Mother Nature, the ocean, the universe's tears.

Hold me, hold me tight, and never let me go. Tell me I'm a lovable person. I don't know if I'm a lovable person because my parents have never said anything like that to me. Ivan said it but he left me. All the guys who have said it have left me. I don't know if what they said was true. All my friends are gone. They will never be able to care for me again because they only care about their gf/bf. It's over. My life starts from ground zero again.

It's so hard to keep believing if I've never seen or heard one. Last night I thought maybe I am just a prime number. I can't be compatible with any other numbers, which is also why my friends, family, and lovers are all fading away. But tonight I thought, if I find another prime number, we would definitely become an even number, and this number will also be many other things, such as the multiplication of several factors. If I'm a lucky seven, and he's a seventeen, then we're a 24, but at the same time, we are still that lucky seven derivative. If I'm a 31, and Ken is a 71, we are a powerful 102 = 2x3x17. We can be so many things.

Frozen

As the days go by, I continue to miss Alex. It seems like he's gone, like everyone else in my life.

Last night I went on a date with Jeff. I met him at the Red Room as well but he never asked me out until last weekend. He seems really into me and held my hand as soon as we met again. I just felt really uncomfortable and finally had the courage to let him know that I wasn't comfortable with him touching me.

Jeff isn't a good looking guy, and fat. But he's smart, has a great background, and is already a homeowner. He's 33 years old. Sometimes I felt that he might be falling for me already; other times I felt that he was just saying things girls like to hear so he might be simply experienced. 

For example, he told me that my eyes twinkle and that I am adorable when I smile. I could handle the latter because I've heard that too many times. But the first one just sounds like a TV show line. Also, when I was talking about how shy I was that even though I speak in public for a living, I can't stand going to a party and making small talks with strangers because when I'm on stage, I know people are there for me but when talking to random strangers, I'm just a nobody and I feel pressured to impress. He then held my hand and told me that he would be there only for me, not for the drinks or the party itself, if I give a talk one day at the Red Room.

It felt nice to know that someone is trying to make me happy but it just feels weird. He barely asks me anything. He doesn't know where I went for college and how many siblings I have. He didn't seem interested in what I do for a living until I brought that up. I have no idea why he likes me so much already. Maybe he's only into my body? What if he's a player?

After our date, I didn't go home right away. I went to the place where Alex and I went to see the largest Christmas tree in town. It was late so everything was closed. I kept staring into the dark sky and whispering, "please show up." Then I cried. Why can't there be just one miracle for me?

On the subway home, I texted Alex, "I'm missing you so much right now."

He read it but never replied. Today I told myself that he's really gone. Then I deleted our entire text conversation from the very beginning and all the pictures of himself that he sent me. I couldn't delete our pictures though, just like I couldn't delete my only picture with Ken either.

We must speak the truth. Alex or Ken or every other guy thinks that disappearing in silence is the best way to prevent me from being hurt. The truth is, it's very selfish. They want to sound noble that they can't hurt anybody, but in fact, they just don't want to feel guilty. It's for their own good, not for me. When Mark left, he replied to my "I miss you" message that he couldn't reciprocate the feelings I had for him. It hurt like hell but it helped me move on. If Alex could just tell me that he never wants to be with me, he doesn't love me, he loves his girlfriend, and he is going to be with her forever, I will be able to move on. If Ken can tell me the same thing, I will be able to move on. It hurts very very deeply as I'm only imagining this, but has it every gone any other way? At first they all cared about me so much and treated me so nicely. And then I became completely nobody to them. Why is that? What's wrong with me?

This morning, I crawled up into a ball on the edge of my bed. I was talking to Ivan. I imagined that he was holding me and comforting me from behind. I kept calling his nickname and crying.

Encountering the Stardust

These are the paintings I worked on over the past couple of Saturdays. The first one was inspired by the short piece "Encounter" I wrote back in high school; the second one was inspired by the movie Stardust, which I watched again for the 5th or 10th time a week earlier. Before I went to the artists' cafe, I cried for at least two hours at my apartment. I cried out loud, because I was missing Baby. I had lunch with my parents at their apartment that afternoon, and somehow the image of Baby walking to the bathroom door waiting for me before she passed out came to my mind, and I simply couldn't stop my tears. I cried so hard and so long that afternoon that I passed out in my bed and napped for an hour. It was Baby's last goodbye, and I was the only and last person she saw before she lost her consciousness. She struggled so much to walk to the bathroom from our bedroom to see me. I'm crying out loud and my tears are pouring down as I am typing this...

So after I woke up, I decided to paint Baby, and hence the unicorn, a carefree girl with a book, waterfalls, and a shooting star with stardust. I intentionally not to draw a star but a heart instead as the star because in the movie, it's the happy heart that shines. No broken heart can shine; in other words, stars are in fact warm, loving, loved hearts.

One of my classes tonight was postponed so I decided to go to the movies by myself. I had dinner and then Haagen Dazs ice cream alone, and then I saw Frozen. Before the movie started, they were playing the trailer of Winter's Tale, and I cried just seeing the trailer. Frozen also made me cry a lot. I felt the complete loneliness of Elsa; I also felt the instant connection that Anna had with Prince Hans at the very beginning. I just don't think Prince Hans should be the bad guy. Disney movies are getting a bit more complicated than before. I also don't like the fact that Elsa hasn't ended up with any man. I thought Kristoff was going to fall in love with Elsa...

At the cinema, almost every girl went to the movie with their boyfriend/husband. I was the only person going there alone. The movie has so much love. Love can thaw the ice. Love creates so many miracles. How do I give love to myself if I'm always alone? Where is my love? I miss Alex so much. I wish I mean to him as much as he does to me.

Written Journal Dec 28 to Jan 6

Dec 28, 2013
Today is the third day of my nonstop tears and listening to Inside of Love repeatedly. I've played that song at least 200 times. Yesterday I kept crying to that song but today I am much better. I like the image the song creates so I simply didn't want to stop the repeat. You can say I have OCD, but whatever. I'm a crazy person, just like everyone else in the world. People scream, use violence, fight, hurt other people, and they're not crazier than I am?

I cried so much eventually my depression kicked in again. I wanted to die, seeing no hope at all in love. But as I am writing this entry, I am no longer suicidal. Maybe it's because my serotonin level has increased after the gym; maybe it's because I have already released all of my negative emotions. I feel tired but not hopeful. I am terrified to keep hoping.

Dec 29, 2013
I'm feeling so much pain in my chest while sitting on this bus. I want to forget Alex. I want to believe that I deserve better. Why is it so hard? I don't have the courage to believe that there's a better man out there for me, because I don't need perfection. I want a normal loving guy, but even a normal guy can't stay here with me. The thought of him spending Valentine's Day and three other weeks with his girlfriend hurts me. The thought flails my heart.

**After the gym**
Recently I've been reading another self-help book on "letting go". I was reading it while I was riding the bike at the gym. Then I cried on the bike. I'm amazed by how my emotions are more powerful than the release of serotonin, i.e. exercising. The author says her husband once drank with clients despite his conditions. She got angry at her husband because she was worried about losing him. But then, she thought to herself that maybe she would be the one who dies first. Even though his heart conditions might kill him, the choice is his after all. It's selfish of her to try to change him because of her fear of being alone. This story made me cry even though I was exercising. Nobody cries when exercising except for me.

Nevertheless, it's such a difficult concept, especially I'm always alone, by myself. Although I know I will always be there for myself, and I enjoy my own company, it's still such a lonely idea, a very lonely image. I am letting go of Alex. I don't know why he showed up in my life so randomly. I don't know why I went to the Red Room that night. I don't know why I ran into Andrew. I don't know why Andrew messaged me and asked me out 8 months ago. I don't know why he never talked to me again. I don't know why Alex came to talk to me that night. I don't know why he didn't ask for my number that night. I don't know how he found my LinkedIn. I don't know why he asked me out and bought me Godiva the first time. I don't know why he felt so happy when hanging out with me. I don't know why I ended up with two VIP tickets to the Cirque du Soleil. I don't know why we had so much fun. I don't know why we ran into a marriage proposal after checking out three bars. I don't know why I proposed China Pa because I had never been there and I was told it was shut down. Why did he have to show up? Are these signs from the universe? If the universe wants us to be together, then why breaking my heart again? Where are you taking me? Should I stay or should I go? I want to go, but moving again feels so scary. I want to believe there are other men waiting for me, but what do these signs mean? If I move on again, I'll never have a chance to find out. But perhaps, even if I stay, I still won't be able to find out what the signs mean. Ken was a great example. We had the perfect date that Saturday and ran into the Black Eyed Peas. Was a sign from the universe that we're so powerful and lucky when we're together? If it was, what does it mean for me and Ken? He's gone, completely gone. Ken, do you hate me? Did I mean anything to you? Do you even wonder how I'm doing and how I feel? Do you know if I'm alive? Was it all meaningless to you? All the time we spent together meant a lot to me. All the things you did for me meant a lot to me, as well as all the silent awkward moments. I remember the night when you made steak for me, you sitting next to me while I was drawing on your iPad, you asking me to sew the buttons on your blazer, you telling me that it was your happiest day in the US, you showing up in the middle of the night picking me up, buying me breakfast and taking me to grocery shopping with you when I cried my eyes out, knowing that I had to get strawberry Haagen Dazs. I particularly remember when you held me tight with both your arms that night when you tried to make out with me without kissing me, the last time we ever saw each other. Maybe you tried to take advantage of my body, but the hug felt real. I was lying on your chest, topless. My nose was right beneath your face. I could hear you breathe. I would smell you so closely for the first time. Do all these things mean nothing at all?

Perhaps the universe created all these moments for me so I can feel what love feels like. I find comfort in these images, although I've cried tons of tears for them. A couple of nights ago, these images with Ken stopped me from crying and I fell sound asleep like a baby. Those moments do feel a lot like love. However, that night I had a nightmare about Baby. I saw a red toy poodle bleeding in a cage and had no water to drink. I immediately let her out of the cage and gave her water. Although the dog didn't look like Baby, the situation felt too much like the day when Baby died. I remember that feeling of powerless and the innocence at first in believing in the vet and assuming her physical symptoms would be OK. The pain of Baby's death that day will always be there. No matter how much I try to let go all of my tears for her, the day, the trauma were too clear, vivid and deep for me. She's always my child, and I wish I could hold her till forever.

Dec 30, 2013
As New Year's Eve approaches, I feel this ineffable fear again. On the one hand, I feel happy about my New Year's Day because I'm taking an early train to visit my uncle and aunt. They mean a lot of love to me. On the other hand, I'm afraid of being alone on NYE. I don't know where I'll be going but I definitely won't stay home. At least I'll be walking on the streets watching people celebrating with their loved ones.

Jan 1, 2014
I'm on the train now. It's my first time taking the HSR to the South without Baby. I'm missing her so much. So here's the new year. I didn't hear from either Alex or Ken. Have they completely forgotten about me? I keep missing them. Somehow I've always thought some kind of miracle would take place, like the Final Page. I guess life is trying to surprise me in another way because if I already envisaged everything, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore.

The weather is great, as if I'm back in the City of Gold. I miss Alex's face next to mine. I miss our kiss when I completely melted. I miss him holding my hand or my shoulder, as if I was protected by him. I miss him spooning me and whisper some dirty words to me. I miss the time when we were kissing on the street, and when he told me that he just wanted to kiss me all night. I also miss the time when we were at the circus, I was smiling at the show like a kid and he turned to look at me a few times. I turned to look at him once with my smile. It was a moment when I felt he was falling for me.

It feels so exhilarating to be back in the South. My uncle and aunt are such warm people. I wish I could spend more time there. I feel accepted whenever I talk to them so I can be open about anything. I don't like other women in the family on the other hand. They're too insecure and judgmental, which makes me tune out automatically.

Jan 2, 2014
Last night I dropped Christine a brief happy new year message on Skype and she told me immediately that she was about to sleep. She showed no interest in sharing her life or knowing mine. She was careful about her words when we were talking who's whose best friend, but it was obvious that she doesn't want to be the bad guy. All in all, she has a boyfriend and that changes everything. She thought that I changed but in fact she's the one who's not sharing because she has her boyfriend for that already. Fuck all my friends. I need new friends.

Jan 6, 2014
I'm writing this entry at Starbucks in complete exhaustion. Yesterday was the year-end gathering at my school. At first I was excited but then I grew bored and tired of it because they are all really cheap. In the afternoon, I received a triggering text from Alex, "Hey J happy new year, wish you a great year to come." I just felt heavy all of a sudden and replied: "Thank you. I feel sad to hear from you. I've missed you." He said, "Me too." Then I gave him a tearful smiley.

On Saturday I went to the Escape Artist by myself to paint. Alex showed me this cafe before we went to the Cirque du Soleil as a secret itinerary. I felt so touched when he took me there because he remembered that I like to draw. I spent four hours at the Escape Artist working on my painting. The theme was "Encounter". I drafted several images in my mind before I got there but then I finally settled on the least abstract one. I felt so soothed as I was drawing. There were silhouettes of a boy and a girl standing across the busy street. The first was looking up hoping and the boy was looking down, feeling sad and lonely. While I was painting, I whispered several times "I miss you." I do miss Alex a lot. For the first time a guy actually remembers all these small things about me and try to make me happy. Ivan did some of those things too. So did Ken. But Ivan and I were together for a longer time and he bought me a few things and made me my favorite dish on my birthday. Ken never bought me any gifts. He just paid for all my food and drinks and provided his labor and housing. I guess every man has their own language of love.

Alex is more feminine than the other guys since his favorite color is pink and he's really good with the language. I don't like effeminate guys but somehow I just feel great about his femininity. Ken is effeminate but he's emotionally shut down. Steve is extremely effeminate that I just couldn't feel any physical attraction to him anymore because he's really too small. Cato is effeminate and he's kind of like Ken--emotionally shut down and couldn't even ejaculate.

Gosh I miss you. I don't want any worldly pursuit anymore. I just want one shot, one opportunity to be with you and make that emotional bonding with you. Just give me a chance to experience it, feel it.