The End of the Aisle

Love doesn't make sense. You can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. You love Barney and he loves you. And that doesn't have to make sense to make sense.

"I vow to keep updating these vows because one set of vows can't cover a lifetime of growing and changing with you, raising children with you, falling more and more in love with you, Lily Aldgren, every day, which is what I vow to do for the rest of my life." "Crap. I'm already breaking my crying vow." "And I forgive you."

I've decided to make only one vow to you because that's the only one that really counts. Robin Scherbatsky, from this day forward, I'm always gonna be honest with you. Cuz I love you.

None of us can vow to be perfect. In te end, all we can do is to promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do. 

I replayed this episode twice and cried every time. The grand finale is arriving. I'm going to be even more lost when the show is really over.

Love. No matter what.

Hard is just hard; there's no harder or less hard

I've been going through onsets of nervous breakdown since we broke up. I've been through an emotional turmoil that words cannot catch up. Sometimes I'm afraid that there won't be another guy who would just commit to me like that. Sometimes I want to apologize and get back together. Other times I keep reassuring myself that he's a rageaholic, i.e. my father. I will never tolerate being treated the way my father does to my mother. Verbal and physical abuse is out of the question, out of my life.

It wasn't our first fight. It might be the fourth or fifth, and I apologized for all the previous ones. Two days before our last night, I apologized for a big fight and we got more intimate than ever. That night he told me that, "wife, I have a small request. Do not submit to me. I can feel it when you're complying to what I want. I get angry if you don't, but I will still love you." I cried upon hearing that because I simply felt touched and loved. We almost had sex the next morning but it hurt so much that I cried so he didn't go all the way in.

On Saturday, I met up with him late at night after his work. Everything was sweet and happy for the first couple of hours, until he got cranky and started to criticize other teachers at our school and in the industry. He began to criticize a CFA teacher (who wasn't our competitor at all) for his care for his looks. He seemed to hate teachers who use personal charisma and looks to appeal students, but obviously the CFA teacher is highly intelligent as well. Then I started to defend for myself because I do care in part about how I look and defended for the teacher too. I said that he bringing girls to his band practice and had one night stands with them was also a use his own sex appeal. I asked him if he was proud of his past and he said yes. This was the part that irritated me. I had a pouty face, reminiscing when we were about to have sex, he told me how he took the virginity of his college girlfriend. It took them all night because it hurt her to badly and she kept crying until finally in the morning he was able to penetrate her. It was at a hotel. I felt crazy jealous to know all the details. He always got angry when I got jealous. He tried so hard to convince me, to win, to make me believe that I was wrong, but all I needed was a long warm hug, gentleness, and patience. So there, the fight started. He got so angry and told me to tell him that "I am the biggest jerk ever". I refused, because that was his second time telling me that. I realized he never apologized for his own behavior. I apologized, and I thought he knew what he did wrong too, but in fact he just thought he won. I was so infuriated and further shut down. Rage and hatred welled up.

At one point, I was scared and tired, and nodded as an acquiescence. I leaned forward to hug him but he pushed me away. He threw food we just bought on the ground. I stared at him with so much rage, as if I was staring at my father when he mistreated my mother verbally and physically. I gave up all my ego and pride and tried to love his anger and hold him while feeling so hurt. This was what he did to me. From that moment on I hated him. I still do hate him.

A couple of days ago, he texted me that it was how the song "Stay Together" by Mr. Big felt like. I agreed. He told me that he missed me and I said, "So do I, but we can't stay together." He said, "we can, when I convince you that you're wrong." Again, I felt agitated. After all this he was still trying to win. I told him exactly that I hated him the moment he pushed me away. He left the relationship first when he pushed me away. If we had a child who witnessed how he treated me that night, the child would hate him so much that he/she wanted to kill him and the child would hate me for giving birth to him/her with this man, so I decided to leave the relationship as well.

Loneliness is unbearable. I do fear that there's no one else in the world who would commit to me again. I thought Michael was a miracle, but it turned out to be a prank. What message is the universe trying to send me?

It's not love if it's short-lived and abusing.

Me an Michael are over. Five weeks in total. He continued to abuse me with words and his own sense of inferiority. I couldn't stand it anymore and he couldn't stand me anymore either. Here's what I wrote in the journal he gave me:

Love is everything. Love is more powerful than anything else in the world. It saves life, changes the world, and makes whatever comes in the way not scary at all. I believe in love. I have never seen it in my life but I have read hundreds of books about it, listened to thousands of songs about it. I want to live in a world where love thaws all the hardships, where there is no blame, no harm, no criticisms, no judgments. Just when I was about to give up on love, Michael showed up. He made me believe that dreams do come true and I am blessed after all. But it's a very short-lived story. I had never known love comes with so much hurt. I've become the child who used to watch how my father abused my mother verbally and physically, without any apologies, care, gentleness, and generosity. I believe it's not love. Love that comes with so many conditions and hurt is not love. I surrender. The universe forgot to make the other half of my pair. I am meant to be happy and loved in this world, maybe just not by one particular man. Even if it means I have to give up all of my worldly pursuits, I must continue my search of the world filled with love and pure hearts. 3/23/2014

Before this entry, the journal was filled with all the most romantic and sweetest words he had ever told me. None of those words were true.

I'm feeling really sick.

A little cat

So last night my insecurity caused me to say something stupid, something about Michael's penis size and how it ranked among all the penises I'd seen. He got angry, and almost left my apartment in the middle of the night. I apologized, but it wasn't good enough for me. He continued to argue. He fights dirty. His every word hurt, and still hurts. He said that I was just as mean as his ex-girlfriend. I cried like hell, for an hour, which made him even madder. He was hurt by me and I didn't comfort him and instead he had to comfort me. We hugged each other to sleep but both of us had nightmares of each other getting angry.

I woke up with so much stress. It was another rainy day. I watched the fog, the rain, having so much fear in me. I'm afraid of anger, and I don't even like my own anger. That's why I continue to suffer from depression. Ivan and I used to fight a lot, but he never hurt me with words, and we always made it up. But this time with Michael, the hurt stays in me. It's not gone yet. I'm withdrawing. This morning he talked about another sexual experience with another girl and I didn't even feel a thing. I even joked about it with him, because I stopped caring. I didn't want him as much as before.

This afternoon when I left my apartment for work, I saw a little black cat with white-sock fur running to the middle of the heavy-traffic street in front of my building. I screamed as soon as I saw it running so fast to the street and one second later, a scooter ran over it. It didn't die on the spot and I couldn't see it anywhere. It ran somewhere else and disappeared. I screamed even louder when the scooter ran over it. I almost cried on the spot in complete shock.

What pains me most is the thought that something must have terrified the cat. It completely lost it. It would infuriate me if it was a human being who did something mean to the cat. What led the cat there? Animals go crazy too, just like we people. Emotions are such a weird thing. Are they beneficial or malign to our survival? It seems like emotions, a lot of the time, make people and animals self-destruct. But what are we without emotions? Is evolution really working in favor of ourselves?

I wish I had one more second to stop the cat. It was running so fast. If I arrived there a second earlier, I would grab the cat and comfort it so it didn't kill itself, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Did someone abandon the cat? Did it lose its way home and finally lose its mind? Did someone abuse it?

Today I keep having this feeling/thought of moving to the countryside. Maybe somewhere on the beach or in the mountains. I want to have a simple life, maybe single, with some puppies. No more arguments, no more hurtful attacking words. Just a simple life filled with simple love. And maybe meet a simple guy, like Ivan, who doesn't have a long promiscuous history, doesn't complicate language use. We fight, I cry, he hugs me, and we're back to normal. The thing with last night was that I apologized to Michael for comparing his penis to other guys', but he never apologized for saying those hurtful things to me. When Ivan and I fought, we always apologized to each other. Right now, I'm the only one who's compromising and Michael didn't care for my hurt feelings.

I won the jack pot once and fate took it away from me. I'm such a fucked up person. Perhaps I belong with the solitude of prime numbers. Perhaps I am not meant to procreate or be with anyone. No one in this world will cherish my emotions, even though I do cherish them. I expected those men to cherish my emotions but none of them did. I'm a bad communicator and I cry so easily. When I said "I don't know", Michael got even angrier because he thought he had to deal with the problem that I caused. This is a terrible act. I want someone much more simple than he is.

The Past, Present, and Future

There have been so many amazing things between me and Michael. We see each other every day and both of us are quite exhausted by all the commute and staying up late so I haven't been able to write down everything. On my birthday, he gave me a journal with our initials engraved on the leather cover. He also gave me another leather keychain with our initials engraved on the inside. I felt so touched and cried when I opened the gift while we were getting a massage.

Things have been very sweet and we cling to each other. But there were a few things that made me cry. When he mentioned something that he did with his exes, I cried. He crashed at my place on Sunday night. I mentioned that my favorite movie is Stardust, and then Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Before Midnight. Then he said that he saw Before Sunrise and Before Sunset with one of his exes, and I just cried. I felt so much pain and kept crying, even though he stayed with me and hugged me the whole time. Eventually I told him I didn't like those three movies anymore because Julie didn't show up at the train station as they promised and they never got married, although they ended up with two kids.

On Saturday night, I went to see him after work and we went to a dim sum place. We had a great time until he mentioned one of his exes and I cried. I can't even remember what it was now. It had something to do with sex so after I cried I told him why I hated sex. It was because I used to watch my parents have sex even though they were abusive to each other. He stayed with me the whole time too. But I healed quickly and we were as sweet as before.

This morning he asked me to go to the gym with him. I couldn't wake up in the morning because my sleep schedule has been screwed up lately. I was an hour late so the plan to get lunch also got delayed. I had to shower for a while and he got impatient. He planned to take me to a place for lunch and it closed at 2pm but I was too slow so the plan was off. I didn't know the plan in advance and he started to blame me. He was angry at me and said something hurtful. He said I was inconsiderate and I didn't plan things as a "we" and instead I was still doing things as an I. The worst of all, he called me a jerk. At first, I felt scared at his anger, and then I felt hurt and angry so I cried for 30 minutes. I said I was sorry at the very beginning but he didn't seem to hear it. He kept on arguing and I just cried. I didn't want to fight or win anything. Eventually we got cute and sweet again, but I was feeling so tired today. I thought about Ken, Ivan, and other guys. My past relationships were so short that I barely had to deal with fights. Ivan and I fought a lot but he always let me win. That was why before we were parted forever, he told his best friend that we would be happily together forever.