Selfish

This time, I'm the selfish one.

Yesterday, I woke up in the morning and scrolled through my contacts on LINE. Then, all of a sudden, a smile astonished me. It was Ken's profile picture. He never used a profile picture on any of the social media. But he put up a new picture of himself sitting at a cafe smiling to the camera. It was a big smile.

That smile wasn't getter than the smile I captured for him when we ran into the Black Eyed Peas. The mouth looked great but his eyes projected a sense of a dead soul.

But whatever it was, I felt intense jealousy. Who was making him smile like that? If I truly love him, I should feel happy that he's feeling happy right? But I don't. I want him to be happy but I want to be the one who makes him happy. I mean, yes, I have to accept that fact he can be happy without me and that is a very good thing for him. But I'm just so damn selfish. Because he made me so happy. I just want him to feel the same way about me.

Then I broke down in tears in the shower. I screamed with the shower and cried.Unfortunately, I didn't have time to indulge myself in these emotional turmoils because I had so much work all of a sudden yesterday. I didn't go to bed until 4am today. And now I finally have time to write down this episode.

Then I hid Ken from my contacts. I didn't have to see his happy smile again.

I'm a terrible person right? I know very well about all that crap that I need to love him unconditionally and I'm feeling this way because I can't make myself happy; it's wrong to be jealous of him being happy or someone else being able to make him happy. BUT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I AM JEALOUS. I AM SELFISH. I FEEL ANGRY. I feel grief...

Begin Again is such a badass good movie. It's so amazing and beautiful and I love the music so much.

" We're searching for meaning but are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark. I thought I saw you out there crying. I thought I heard you call my name. I thought I heard you out there crying but just the same..."

I tried singing here for the first time....I was never confident about my voice...

The mole under my left eyelid

A few nights ago I had a weird dream.I saw that Leonardo DiCaprio proposed to me with the wedding ring and I hesitated because I was wearing other engagement rings both my ring fingers. I'm pretty sure one of the rings came from Ken. What's really odd in that dream was that I should've said yes without any hesitation but I was holding back because of Ken. Another weird thing about it was that I'm not really a huge fan of Leonardo DiCaprio; I mean I have seen most of his movies and I think he's an amazing actor but I'm not he's groupie and I had never fantasized about him. So it's really interesting where this dream came from; is Leonardo DiCaprio inceptioned somewhere in my subconsciousness?

Nevertheless, I miss Ken very much. Is he right for me at all? Are we meant to be together?

There's a mole under my left lower eyelid. I've had it since I was for a little and my mom had it lasered at least for five times because there is a local superstition not a mole near the eyes is a sign that this person is too sensitive and cries a lot. However it's a very strong mole that none of the laser surgeries was able to get rid of it. Then I gave up. I learned to live with the mole and actually like it. I have never been superstitious but it means no harm to Google some ancient superstition. The Chinese say that a mole under a woman's left lower eyelid is a scar left by wells of tears from someone who loved us so much in our past life that they cried desperately when we died. And in this life we carry this mole so that our loved one can find us. It is our fate to meet each other in this life and once we find each other we will be together forever.

Isn't this is hauntingly beautiful? The fact that I carry this mole is an evidence that I am one of the lucky few to meet the one. We will create our love story that will be and everlasting fairytale in real life. Why is my life so interesting and mysterious?it seems like I'm on the path to something that's already destined and there's a purpose and a plan for me on this planet.

Apart

Tonight I feel really sad. There are some stuff at work. I feel easily irritated by repeated questions from my students and how lazy someone of them have been. I just can't stand watching other people waiting for something that's already done for them without putting too much effort in it. I have always hated slackers through all my schools. Maybe it's me who's not the smart one because I've always taken the hard way to digest information; however I have seen a lot of other students who have been taking the easy route such as copying other people's notes or sort of cheating on their exams. I'm starting to think to see things like those in my students and I just feel so angry to see that. On the one hand, I am supposed to feel happy that there are lazy learners like this so I can have a steady job that pays well; on the other hand I get irritated seeing them not working so hard by themselves while only depending on whatever quick tips I have for them. I don't know how to deal with this conflict. I have cried and screamed and cried again in my room by the frustration and contradiction are still there. The thing is I don't know how much longer I will be doing this job and I have never planned to have this career for the rest of my life in fact my plan has always been very short-term say just before when I get marriage. And yet the guy hasn't shown up and I start to panic because I am so afraid that he will never show up and I'll never have the opportunity to become a mom which is my dream job and then I'll be stuck with this job forever. Ken, where are you? Or is it you? Wherever you are please show up. I've been sick these days and I'm feeling afraid. I fear that I would never have a chance to meet you.

There are so many things i'm afraid of. Fred things would fall apart. I'm afraid you will never show up. I'm afraid of being stuck. I'm afraid I wouldn't have the latitude to say no when I'm caught up with the money matter. I'm afraid of being numb again. I'm afraid of being lost forever. Please show up soon. I really need you now. 

Do you miss me?

On Tuesday, Frank texted me at night telling me that he wanted to watch a movie with me at my place. I knew very clearly what that meant but still went with it anyway. On top of my head, simply because I hadn't kissed anyone for almost six months. Being celibate has been unbearable. I told him that I wanted to watch a romantic comedy, which he hates. He rented Delivery Man and came to my place a bit before 11pm.

We didn't talk much, and we don't talk much. The first time we met we exchanged probably less than 10 lines before we kissed, although prior to that, he was giving a teleclass to someone and I listened to it. He's a thoughtful person, but doesn't talk much. In fact, I find him sensitive enough to notice all my subtle expression of feelings and emotions, but he doesn't deal with it well. I messaged him when I was feeling upset about my parents' situation but he just ignored me.

So when we were making out, he asked me if I missed him. I said I was going to tell him. He pushed again so I said yes. He said he missed me too but also missed my body. Then he said he was going to do something crazy and asked me not to freak out. He went down on me, which I didn't find that crazy. It was quite adorable that he assumed I would find it crazy.

After making out, he didn't spend the night with me and we haven't talked since then. I told him that I wanted him to take me out some time and he always says sure, but never does it. I should be smart and experienced enough to see that he doesn't care. Maybe I do see that but I just don't want to admit it. Because, if that's really the case, what do I have left? No one. I haven't touched anyone for almost six months. It's the slightest consolation I can get knowing that at least one guy has missed me.

Do you fucking see this? I just want to know if you miss me. Ken, Frank, Alex, JJ, Cato? Have I come across your mind at all? Do any of you miss me?

However, I'd feel devastated only if Ken told me that he didn't miss me.

Where is fucking Ken? I find myself unable to live in a world where Ken doesn't love me.

There?

A few days ago I tried to call Jes on the phone. I've got two of his numbers; the first one didn't ring at all and the second one forwarded me to the voice mail which seemed to belong to a name I didn't know. That's it. My last connection to Jes is gone. I will never know where he is or what he is up to. Although this is supposed to be the case, I can't help but feel tints of sadness at heart.

I've just got the iphone 6. The 128 gigs. After using my iphone 6 starting August 2010, it's nice to finally have an upgrade. It was impossible to update any apps in iOS 7 on an iPhone 4. on the other hand, my iPhone 4 went through everything in my life since I moved to the City of Power. I plan to use this new phone for another four years as well.

Last night I had great dinner with our grad school Alumni network. The food was amazing and I got to know some people more and more people. The alumnus that hosted the dinner was recently relocated here with the embassy. He's a father of four sons, with the oldest one being 16 and the youngest one 6. Then it got me thinking, if I want to have four kids with that kind of age difference, it seems impossible by now. Even if I popped out a baby today, I'd still be 40 when my fourth baby popped out, which is unlikely. I don't see myself taking care of a teenager at the age of fifty something, although my parents did.

Kids, of my own

I love kids. But recently I've been extremely impatient with my adult/teenager students because I'm feel angry every time when I have to answer a stupid question (seriously, something that's so basic like the rest of the class of over 100 could get it and yet these few couldn't, and now they'd like to continue with their grad school degrees?) or a question that's pretty much asking for a cheat sheet to these aptitude tests. I'm so fed up with stupid, lazy people. If you're stupid, work harder. Don't fucking just ask for other people to get things done for you or cheat your way out of it. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with higher education these days?

Nevertheless, I understand everyone is doing this for their basic survival--because they're so stupid that they must cheat in order to look "normal" like the others who are highly educated. But again, I'm pro-evolution so if one doesn't fit, then they're out.

OK, so back to kids. I love many of my students, but they're not my kids. There's always a distance between me and them. I think the whole idea of "paying" for education is creating the distance between us. My salary depends on these students' tuition, doesn't it? In a way, they are my boss, well, partly. Because there's money involved, I can't always speak the truth.

I think it's time to have my own kids. Every time when I watch Modern Family, I can't help but crave the stability and warmth in those families. They always work things out, pat each other on the back and move on. Haley is about three years older than Alex, who is also about three years older than Luke. I like this age difference, because the older baby is old enough to understand a lot of language and manage their own behavior. But if I want four kids with that kind of age difference, the first baby should have popped out at least three years ago. I'm nowhere near that. I haven't even had real sex yet.

Dear X, I miss you so much. I'm gonna cry again tonight and please respond.