A Miracle - continued

So when we were on the phone, Michael offered to go to the movie with me after knowing that I'd be going there alone. He felt surprised that I was also the kind of person who'd go to the movies alone like himself. During the movie, he barely touched me. I freaked out a couple of times as Russell Crowe's mutant face and he held my hand briefly, and that was it.

After the movie, it was around 2 a.m. We walked and talked and were ready to get a cab home. While getting into the cab, he said to me that he haven't felt like "wow" with any girl since Yvonne (his ex). On the cab he first asked me something that I couldn't understand so I asked him to be straightforward. So he rephrased, "I'm begging you not to date other guys." I felt completely shocked, and a bit embarrassed in front of the cab driver. I asked him, "so are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?" He said, "Honestly, I've been scared since Yvonne. I know there must be some dark side of you and so do I." I replied, "Well, I'm terrified too. But what should I do (if we're not bf and gf)?"

We didn't reach a conclusion before parting. The next day, he asked me to see his band practice and I agreed. He also sent me a song called "Running Around in my Dreams" by Tyrone Wells, which I have listened to repeatedly over 20 times. Before heading to the studio, we grabbed a beer and talked at a gentrified art gallery--let's call it HS. He told me everything he wanted to say to me was already in that song. This time he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and now I was the one who was shocked. You see, I had always been the one who wanted to commit while the guy didn't want to commit to me. Now I had commitment from a guy on the table and I panicked a bit, but I didn't freak out. I put my terms more straightforward and said that I wanted to have marriage and family. And he said, "yes". Now I felt even more awkward because this had never happened to me before. Then I had to tell him the last weak spot in me. I confessed to him that "technically, I have never done it." He was surprised and asked, "how is it possible?" I said, "it's usually this one thing that makes every man break up with me." He didn't understand why so I explained, "well, men usually feel more responsibility for taking a girl's virginity. Also virgins are more emotional, clingy and needy." He said, "I am just like that."

Then he confessed to me how happy he was right now. He also thought that I could be the one to "save" him. I told him that "nobody could save anyone. Only you can save yourself." But even though that was what I thought it should be, I just felt that love is a really powerful thing. If I can save him, why not? Why would I deny my ability to save anyone?

He asked me to kiss him so I did gently, once, on his lips. Then we started to French kiss really passionately. It felt incredible, especially magical. There, I told him that "you are just as crazy as I am." It made me wonder what the universe had in mind this time, bringing me the best Valentine on Valentine's Day in 2014, after I had been hurt and burned repeatedly and lost everything. I am also afraid, and so is he, that this fairy tale bubble might burst.

His band practice was amazing. He's the lead singer in a band, and there were a guitarist, drummer, and a bassist in his band. Watching them practice and listening to my favorite type of music in the world--alternative pop, made me realize how lucky I was and how powerful every human being could be. There are so many powerful individuals living their life to the fullest and discovering the beauty in their inheritance. Where was I all these years? How did I miss out all these inspiring people while growing up? Michael is an amazing singer by the way.

Another thing that really impressed me was that before his band practice, Michael had been teaching for 11 hours that day, and he had to sing for another two hours until 1 a.m. I know very well that it would be impossible for me to do that because I'm really nonathletic. After his practice, he took me to a dim sum place. There we talked everything about our families and childhood. We realized we were born under the same star (his words). Both our moms are teachers, and our dads financiers. We both grew up in high-tension environments with bipolar and even violent fathers so we've become extremely good with languages and words. Both our aunts are English teachers. We like the same music. We do a lot of similar things and we have the same job. It's really magical to meet a male version of myself (or a female version of himself). We kissed in public here and there, and I told him that I loved PDA. At first he was shy but now we just kiss and hug wherever we go.

To be continued...

A Mirarcle

As Valentine's Day approached, my anxiety heightened. Last Wednesday I received a text message from Alex telling me that I was a nice girl and I deserved someone better. I told him that I was no longer 13 and I deserved to know the truth. So he told me that he just still loved his girlfriend. It happened an hour before my lecture and I totally freaked out. I recorded a short voice message swearing and yelling anger and another text message with almost ten F words. I cried and screamed before I went to my lecture. It hurt so fucking bad because no one could ever love me and I started to believe that I was just an unloveable person.

That night I went to OT alone and had a beer and fries. My tears just rolled down from time to time, until the bar was about to close and I was all by myself. Before I went to OT I called Jeffrey but he didn't answer. Then he texted me that he'd grab some pizza and have it at my place the next day.

On Thursday, Jeffrey and I met at my place for pizza. It was our third date and I really couldn't feel it. He continued to touch me here and there or held me but I couldn't see myself kissing him at all. In the end I felt angry because he touched my breasts when I was on the phone. I felt completely miserable and upset at my situation because the next day would be Valentine's Day and I was really giving up.

On Valentine's Day at around 12:20am, this guy named Michael texted me. He's one of the teachers at my school but we had never met in person, nor had I heard of him. But a while ago, those high school kids told me that he admired me and would like to ask me out for lunch. Eventually I gave him my LINE ID through one of the students in that class. He never texted me until now.

We texted for the first ten minutes but he would to talk on the phone so we did. The conversation ran on for two hours or more in the middle of the night. He was surprised that we could talk so much as two strangers. And he chose Valentine's Day because he had no one else to talk to. We decided to go on a date after work that evening.

We first met up in front of the Apple Store and rescheduled the movie tickets to 11pm. He took me to BLT for dinner first and we started chatting. He's a bit awkward. For starters, he speaks the truth, and I love it because it's easier. He likes bar seats and sometimes he stands as he eats. It's funny but dorky in a good way. He complimented my smile all the time.

After dinner, we went to the see the movie Winter's Tale. I booked one ticket for myself on Thursday because I was all ready to see a romantic movie by myself on Valentine's Day. I saw the trailer of Winter's Tale when I went to see Frozen by myself a while ago. I cried just watching it's trailer so I promised myself that no matter what happened I would see this movie on Valentine's Day.

To be continued....

It's raining again.

Someone in Moscow reads my blog, but bizarrely, they only read this entry in particular: http://cozyrainyday.blogspot.ru/2013/07/loss-rain-solitude.html

I cry every time when I revisit that entry. Although I wonder if it's an actual person reading that entry or a Russian version of Googlebot.

I just came home from WB. I had a Mojito, couldn't get a seat at the bar, so I sat outside in one of their swing chairs for hours. Around midnight, I decided to call Alex. A few days ago, I woke up from a nightmare that I haven't written about. In that dream, I saw Alex telling me that he was getting married with his gf and I was completely meaningless to him. I screamed and cried and it was so much pain even after I woke up. I tried to ignore the dream but I haven't been able to. I have been down for the past few days because of it. Not because I keep recalling the dream but because I haven't healed the pain yet.

I called him three times and he never answered. I thought someone answered for the first time but I couldn't hear anything on the other side. Then I felt so angry that he wasn't answering my phone. I cried so much at WB today. I was completely alone; no strangers hit on me at all. I just watched the rain, the city, and kept crying. I have decided to despise him, like I do with all of my exes. After a man dumps me, I come up with reasons to despise them in order to get over them. I stopped doing that for a while because I thought judging others is a bad thing to do. But I have no way out. I'm desperate. There are too many men in my life who have hurt me and I must despise them in order to move on.

So here it is:
Alex, I hate the way you talk on stage. In fact, I googled your toastmaster's video and you're terrible at giving a speech. You seem so fake on stage and your English is nowhere close to mine. I also hate the fact that you intentionally expose your muscular arms when you were doing the toastmasters. You're one insecure motherfucker. You're a fucking coward. You're a friend of Andrew's and you didn't deserve my attention in the first place. I went to a better grad school than yours and I've been through much more than you have. I am a much better lecturer than you are. So fuck it. Your chocolate and dinners will never compare to what Ken has bought me. Yes, I got free tickets to Cirque du Soleil, but we never ran into any celebrity, say, the Black Eyed Peas. Ken and I together bring better luck to ourselves.

And here's to Ken:
You're a total screwup. You're too short and small for me, and you have no body hair, not even hair on your legs. The first time I met you I thought you were fucking pansy. You need more fucking testosterone in your body. I see through your insecurity from the very beginning. I know your vanity and your insecurity. You're nothing without me because you know you feel safe and settled with me. You also know you're lucky when you're with me. I despise you because your English grammar is terrible and your English is not as good as mine. I am more presentable than you in every social occasion because I've seen and experienced so much.

Dear Jeffrey, I don't understand you. It seems like you're into me every time when we hang out, but you never talk to me or call me to see how my day goes. I need a lot more attention than that. If you truly like me, please don't let me go.

Humans are not meant to procreate.

I used to believe in Darwin's theory of evolution and I used to be an atheist. But as I have been observing human nature more closely, I have come to the realization that a lot of human behaviors and things that happen in our life cannot simply be quantified or explained for the sake of procreation. For example, in relationships, infatuation, a human instinct upon seeing a potential mate with ideal physical features, works against us and fails our relationships in the long run.

There are many other examples. Why do some people don't want kids? They're choosing their happiness over procreation, i.e. we human beings may be designed to be happy but rather to procreate. We have too many behaviors that contradict animal instincts and their primary urge to procreate. It'd also be presumptuous to say that human beings are designed to procreate rather than be happy simply because, if one is unhappy, they are most unlikely in want of their own children. In other words, in order to procreate, one must be happy enough about his or her own life in order to want to give birth. This is where evolution is taking us in the 21st century.

I'm thinking about all this because last night, a waitress warned my nephew not to hang out near the automatic door for his own safety. However, he, at the age of six, intentionally went near the door again for the fun of it. If human beings truly want to survive and procreate, they should have listened to the waitress to avoid harm or death. But human beings also hate the feeling of being persuaded so we go near danger anyway. Why does our psychology constantly work against our own good?

In conclusion, I'm coming to the realization that the whole concept of evolution is too simplistic. Human nature is much more complicated than that.

Anyway, after dinner last night, I hung out with my two cousins. As we talked about family and relationships, Ken came up again because my cousins knew him. I had to start over our story from the chemistry we had when I was working for Ken and all the sweet and thoughtful things he did to me in the City of Gold. Then I felt surprised by how much I still remember everything. I miss him so much, I am also very mad at him. The comfort, the feeling of being settled with each other's presence, the superb luck when we were together, and the sense of security are still all very clear to me. Then this image came across my mind--the afternoon when we were sitting on the pier in the City of Gold having brunch before we went to the NBA game. We were silent, enjoying the food, the weather, and the pier. I said to him, "this feels like a painting". He nodded. I snapped a photo of the view with my phone but I had never turned it into a painting. Last night I decided to actually turn that view into a painting and it'd be the most beautiful brunch we've ever had.

I cried last night. I cried this morning. I miss our time together so much. And it still pains me so much...