Let’s start with statistics.

Angel had a physical exam and had a couple of follow ups this week. The doctors gave him an aspiration on a tiny lump in his thyroids and scheduled a colonoscopy for a month later. He’s been down about it and acts as if he really has cancers. I tried to help him think differently about this and he got angry at me. So I sent him the following email. I still feel that he really doesn’t get me and it’s exhausting for me to explain myself over the same thing repeatedly. I wish someone could feel me and understand me, but there’s no escape from fate.

*************** You say that you have a genetic disposition. Does anyone in the world have an answer to cancer? There are so many factors involved and there is no single factor that is solely at play. Do you know how those research papers are done? Have they eliminated all the dummy variables? You have your mom’s genes but as well your dad’s; you grew up differently from your mom and your diet is also different from hers. How can you conclude that since your mom had it, you’re likely to have it too? The biggest danger of relying on statistics is not knowing that while something is likely, it doesn’t mean it will happen to you. We’ve talked about this a million times but you still choose to fall into that simplistic, linear thinking of western medicine and science.

I’m giving you better, wiser reasons not to think negatively, and yet you just think I’ve been yelling at you. I yell because you are not listening to me, and you’ve forgotten all the wisdom I’ve told you in the past. I don’t know how else I can make you listen to me and remember everything I say.

I’m sad, so sad that I’m getting numb, and I don’t want to let my tears roll down because when you see them, you’d tell me that you get it now and you’d apologize but after some time you’d forget all about it and go into your old mentality again. Based on your linear thinking, I should be constantly worried that my two children would have severe scoliosis, thyroid cancer, prostate cancer, colon cancer, etc until I die. What kind of world is that? My kids deserve a mother who brings them hope and happiness and a worry-free life. Do you know such worries would turn into self-fulfilling prophecies? That’s how the universe works. Unfortunately that’s a concept you don’t understand because you have no faith. Buddhism is a way of life but it doesn’t give you faith in life. Faith is believing that there is a predestined path that leads you to what’s best for you, and I believe what’s best for me is definitely not my kids having predispositions to all those diseases in your family or mine; I believe I will keep them safe and healthy, and that’s my faith and their fate.

As you act as if you’re already ill, do you ever think about what the universe wants for you? For me? For our kids? Do you really believe that the universe wants you to get cancer young and go through all those sickening treatments and to leave your wife and kids uncared for? Do you believe this is the karma you deserve? Did you do something really evil some years ago and you think the universe would punish you and your family like this? This is what your behavior and paranoia have suggested the past couple of days. You choose to believe in incomprehensive science instead of my faith, my heart, my intuition, and my feelings. This is like Little O’s roseola in New York all over again. Your over-dependence on “other people’s” thoughts and statistics with very flawed assumptions leaves you so powerless. You just won’t listen to me.

I can’t give you a hug while I myself am already devastated. I’m shattered by how little you believe in yourself and how little you think you and your family deserve. It upsets me when you read because it takes your attention from your own feelings and other people’s feelings. You’re always in your head and what’s in your head is all other people’s info; you need to have faith, your heart and feelings in your head. If you don’t have these things in your head then of course you wouldn’t believe in yourself. 

Where does that leave us, your wife and two young children? You can choose to let ignorant statistics haunt you; I will keep my children safe and strong no matter what.

A (sur)real dream?

Last night I had a dream that felt so real but I know very well wasn’t.

I saw myself working at my alma mater, doing something similar to my current job. It was a busy day and I was bustling around nonstop. 

And finally, I finished work after 6pm and got delayed by a few more students for random chit chats and left work at maybe 8pm.

I wasn’t sure if I was driving myself home or I was walking, but Ken showed up on the street and insisted on giving me a ride home.

However, my “home” wasn’t my current home; it was the home I had grown up in. During the ride, I told him excitedly that I bought a car, and he acted as if he knew very well which car I got, although I still gave him a hint that it was an American car and wanted him to guess the model. He asked me why I got such a big car, and I said “I have two kids. I need a big car to ride them. Well, my second baby is still in my belly.”

He didn’t look as good as 8 years ago though; he seemed older and fatter. He turned around and asked me, “if I came to your workplace a bit earlier or later, I could have missed picking you up.”

I said, “it’s serendipity. If you’re meant to be with someone, you will catch them at the right time.”

We had arrived at my place. I was getting off the car and ready to go home, but he said “wait, I need to catch up with you.” I hesitated and came back into the passenger seat. But he wasn’t in the car for some time. Then he finally came back into the car and told me there was an interesting temple nearby. I said, “no, I’m pregnant and I’m not going near weird vibes with my baby.”

So we were chatting but I have no idea what we chat about. He mentioned that when we were in the City of Gold, I also had a “buddy” who would take care of me too; it took me a while to figure out who it was and then I said, “oh that was my friend from middle school. We also caught up once this summer.” But in reality, I haven’t had any text conversation with Ian for at least two years, let alone meeting up to catch up.

Then it was hazy and I can’t remember much. Near the end of the dream, I mentioned that I am not career driving at all and I only work half of the days in a year. And he mentioned that he hated how his wife talked to him because whenever he was exhausted from work and just wanted to sleep, his wife would say “aww you can do it. Just stay up and do this and do that. You can do it!” He said that she would talk to him in a “Canadian” way and I said “that’s actually good for you. She’s giving you such a positive attitude.” He said “no, I just want to be able to sleep. I hate the way she talks to me.” I laughed and said, “she is definitely way more capable than you are. She’s a million times more capable than I am. She is totally what you have wished for!”

We laughed, and there was an unspoken understanding that we could not escape fate. We didn’t talk about my marriage at all, as if he had already known everything about my marriage. Then, I took his left hand and sat on his right lap (and this would never happen in real life because I am a 200lb elephant right now). I leaned my head on his chest and whispered, “I have missed you.” And he whispered back “I’ve missed you too.”

Then I got up and said, “well, there’s nothing we can do. Our kids are still so little and my second one isn’t even born yet.” I was also thinking to myself, “and my two kids love their dad”. He also echoed that there was nothing we could do. We held hands and walked for a bit. I saw myself in high-heeled boots and skinny red pants like how I used to dress in the City of Gold. It felt too realistic that I woke up.

Life is a mystery. You never know where your fate is going. I try my best to do what is right and what is the best for my kids. Deep down, I have always wished that I could be pampered like a little girl. In reality, I don’t get any pampering at all these days. There are no surprises, no gifts, no pickups, no carrying heavy bags for me. I feel sad about this but I don’t have time to feel sad about this. I have two babies to take care of, and I would give them whatever I can in this world, even if that means I would never get any pampering. When the kids are much older and able to take care of themselves, I’ll be much older too. Who would want to pamper me then? Angel may say sweet things, but that’s all he can do. He’s not physically capable of pampering me, let alone when we’re 20 years older.

Oh well, you just can’t escape fate.

You just can’t escape fate.

You can’t escape fate.

Last night I activated my Facebook secretly out of boredom and I could pretty much confirm that Ken and his wife have been divorced, and it should have been a while, say 6 months. Their daughter is probably around 5 years old or younger.

I don’t really feel anything about that, although it has got me to wonder about many things. Wasn’t she the woman of his dreams? He had always wanted to marry someone who was more capable that he was and who he could adore. She was the epitome of those. One can see news about her startup getting seed capital every now and then and the valuation of her startup should be worth at least US$5m (ok maybe that’s really not such a big deal). She is not yet 34 years old and she finished her undergrad at UChicago in just three years. She’s skinny, sharp, and fully trilingual. Why would it not work?

And that poor girl of theirs. Girls who grew up in broken families very often replicate the paths of their parents and attract abusive men. I’ve been there and that’s why I’m scared for all girls on earth.

I also wonder what would have happened if Ken had chosen me. I’m not career driven like his wife at all; I’m the opposite of that. I’d be a stay-at-home mom. Ken has to travel a lot for his job, but would he take me and the kids with him all the time? Or would he actually change his career path and do something instead so that our family can stay together all the time? Would he quit smoking and drinking? Would he still enjoy cooking and doing housework for me and pampering me in every way? I would never find out and no one would know. Oh well, it’s better that these things stay ideational because that gives me some imaginary room to feel pampered, to escape every now and then from the reality.

I’m not saying one man is better than another. There’s no comparison that can be made here and there’s no point in doing that. Remember, I’ve given up “that kind of romantic love”. Being with one man gives you one set of problems and you just have to man up and deal with them. In my case, Angel cannot do housework, can’t use a screwdriver, can’t speak the language in the City of Rain, can’t drive, can’t really navigate in this country and culture, can’t communicate with my family, can’t fix anything in our apartment, can’t really use any remote control in our house, can’t really take care of our sons outside of our house due to his language barrier. I wonder what it would feel like if my husband could do all those things and pamper me every day; what would it feel like if my husband was more generous towards me and my family so that I didn’t have to work and could be a stay-at-home mom?

Then again, what’s the point of thinking about all these things? No man can take care of me anyway. Ken did many things to pamper me, but he was too emotionally shut off to cherish my emotions. That was why we couldn’t work. Instead of waiting for the perfect man to show up, it’s more realistic to just face the fixer upper in front of me and suck it all up. In the end, nothing matters more than the well-being of my two kids. I’m well as long as my kids are well, no matter how burned out I am.

That kind of love doesn’t exist.

The fairy tale kind of love, the kind of romantic love with total acceptance, just doesn’t exist.

We just bought a brand new minivan; well, I bought it with cash and Angel will pay me back slowly. Angel doesn’t drive, can’t drive, and doesn’t know anything about cars. But I still bought the car anyway because our kids’ life has been so limited and traveling has been really inconvenient with COVID-19 without private transportation. However, I’m not an expert on cars; my two brothers on the other hand know cars extremely well. Therefore I relied on them a lot for the past month for my research, bargaining, and examination. When we finally got our car last Sunday, I treated the whole family for lunch. Angel had no intention to pick up the bill at all and I just picked it up and paid.

Last night, Angel’s inattentiveness led to an accident of our older son. He was fine but I freaked out and was pissed that Angel never listened to my advice for anything and these accidents happen. One thing led to another in our argument and I asked him why he didn’t pick up the bill for the lunch last Sunday. He quickly, intuitively responded, “I can take care of our family but I cannot take care of your whole family.”

This statement has traumatized me and I have realized no one in the world accepts me for who I am. Everyone looks down on me and my upbringing and my family. This statement is so condescending and hurtful and it simply reminds me of all the condescension Angel’s mom has given me and my family. They’re on the same boat and I’m on my own boat. I had been so naive that I actually believed that someone this world wouldn’t judge me and my background. That meal was only 100 bucks and he thinks picking up a bill of 100 bucks is equivalent to taking care of my whole family. For me, that meal was a celebration of me finally getting a car for my two boys; it was an appreciation for how much help my brothers had given me in the process. Before we got this car, my older brother would drive us to places so we could travel and our boys could have fun. My family have given us so much help with our older son while I’m pregnant because Angel is physically feeble and has back problems. And guess what? Angel takes all of these for granted and he thinks simply saying “thank you” would be enough. He and his family are just equally presumptuous, unappreciative, and stingy. They’re financially well-off though, but they’re fucking small-minded and take what other people give them for granted. It just disgusts me and makes me want to shut off.

Angel wonders how we can stay married if I can’t get het over this. I wonder how he has ever loved me if he has looked down on me and my background all this time. In the end, I’m just back to where I first started, although this time, I’ve given up on dreaming. No one in this world would accept me for who I am except for my babies. They are my love, my lovers, my forever, my life. I am fated to be here, and I don’t really think about being married or being divorced. When my kids are old enough and know enough, maybe they will decide for me. Americans believe that if one spouse doesn’t work out, you can divorce them and get another one; or at least you can divorce them and find true love again. It’s so fucking stupid. I believe everything is fated. I don’t really have a choice, and I really really don’t. Other men won’t fully accept me nor my background anyway; besides, I don’t want to marry a man who makes less money than I do or is less educated than I am, so that pretty much leaves me no choice at all. I never believe I have a choice in life; life is only one blessing from the universe after another.

I love you so so much my babies. Mommy has only one job for you—that is you stay safe and strong and healthy.