Talk to Me

Dear X,

I'm feeling overwhelmed today. I tutored the kids in the morning and in the middle of it, I was terrified by the kids' mom screaming at her daughter. It had nothing to do with me but it just made me feel very nervous. I cannot stand domestic violence a bit. Although they weren't violent, the scream and shout triggered me. I was very scared and stressed out at work.

When I was in college, I used to tutor another kid every day until one day his father beat him in front of me.

Then I started to think about you. I really don't like to deal with other people's criticisms, anger, judgments, opinions, etc. I'm so tired of being tough and independent for the sake of being a "modern, financially independent woman." I don't like to deal with people and money. I like making money, but I don't like to deal with people. I enjoy making money by doing something that doesn't require too much human interaction, such as writing. I find lecturing draining out my energy the fastest. But in sum, I want to be in your arms forever and take care of our family for us.

I was born socially awkward so whatever I'm doing for a living right now requires me much more effort and time to get here. I speak in public for a living and it's almost the opposite my nature. Deep down I'm very shy, quiet, vulnerable and scared. I've fought against or suppressed my nature so intensely in order to be able to do what I do now. I don't like going solo at social occasions, but if you're by my side, I will be the most charming person in the room.

Tonight I sang and recorded Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat because it's going to be our wedding song. I wish your voice could be there too; I had to do both the male and female vocals by myself. I like it though. I think we'll impress all the guests at our wedding if we sing that song together.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight again. Usually I cry alone and try not to bother anyone, but tonight I must talk to you. Everyone is walking away from me. I feel neglected. I thought you were Rain, but then I realized you're not. Rain fooled me into bed and doing sexual things with him. I feel hurt but I'm trying to rationalize it. Although I don't care about him that much, I still feel hurt that he used me. I wish I get to be the "user" for once. I haven't heard from Ken or Eric since. Eric broke up with his six-year girlfriend three months ago and he's been relocated to the City of East for work. I messaged him on G-chat after Ken spent the night at my apartment because Eric knew Ken too. Then we talked on Skype for hours. We were both very happy to see each other on webcam as a single man and a woman. I asked him to come visit me and he said "OK". But he's still looking for an affordable airline ticket I guess.

And Ken, just hasn't talked to me since that iMessage. I'm quite certain that he'll continue to act like nothing ever happened and forget about meeting me early next month, although deep down I pray for a fairy tale to happen. I hope that we can end up together forever and that he can propose to me soon, despite anything rational wouldn't give me a clue like that.

X, are you one of these men? I'm feeling so much pain and tears in my chest again. I want to write the most beautiful and romantic story for us. If you're there, please show up soon. Imagine we're going to spend the rest of life together, but my youth is running out. I can still go clubbing with you at my age now but I won't be able to in 5 years because loud music and crowds will simply irritate me. At the moment, I'm no longer a fan of clubbing but hippop and David Guetta still turn me on. Imagine we can travel around the world together now, while we're young and strong. If we get together too late, kids will pop out and life will require more responsibilities from us. Please show up soon.

The city is full of couples. Everyone on the street is holding hands with their loved one. Only I am alone. I deserve you, X. Take my hand and take me with you. I can take care of a lot of things on my own; you don't need to babysit me. A couple of days ago I bought a 42" TV by myself from the mart in my building. The TV was bigger than the shopping cart and I pushed it home all by myself. I installed everything on my own. I also assembled all the furniture at my apartment. I can cook, I can do a lot of things. All I ask of you is to always be there for me so I can feel safe, and then I can feel powerful and we'll succeed in everything in life as a couple. That's why I think we need to meet now to build our life up asap.

I love you,
J

Comfort

Today I feel very frustrated at work. I went to tutor the kids with a happy smile but as soon the mother opened the door and told me that I needed to be more strict with her older son, I felt stress. She talked a lot about another tutor they hired and how she noticed that her son wasn't as ambitious as the previous quarter. It felt as if I was responsible for all of it and that I wasn't good enough.

I continued to feel tension throughout work, and I worked one hour overtime as always. On my way back home the bus was completely packed. I couldn't stand the discomfort anymore and got off the bus and took a cab home instead. My tears burst out while I was on the cab. I hate working. I hate being criticized. I hate to worry about not having money. I hate faking smiles for money. I hate being out there and getting hurt by other people.

I kept feeling sad after I got home. All I want is someone to comfort me, hold me when I cry. I called Rain twice, and it turned out he was on the phone and didn't answer. I'm 100% positive that he has a new girl now. Four days ago he spent the night at my place and made me give him a blowjob. However, I didn't care that much as he left because my mind was all about Ken and Eric, who might fly to the City of Rain to see me next month.

Why?

--9pm, Oct 17, 2013, via iMessage

From Ken:
Hey Kendra, I want to sincerely apologize for Tue night. I was drunk and totally screwed up. No excuse whatsoever. Totally my fault. I know we had plans to meet tomorrow, but unfortunately I am at the airport and heading overseas for business and wedding now. I shall be back early Nov and hope to catch up then. I apologize again and hope all continues to go well with you.

From me:
Ok apology accepted. But there are other things I'd like to clarify with you in person. But first thing first, I don't believe you're at the airport now. And about Tuesday night, I felt scared because you were almost like a complete stranger to me. You were not the Ken I remember back in the City of Gold. The Ken I remember was a man who always came to my rescue when I was down. And even when you were drunk before you never did anything bad to me. I feel angry about Tuesday night because I felt like I was being treated like a slut. I have dated a lot of men but I AM STILL A VIRGIN, and nobody had ever made out with me without kissing me at all. I just can't believe the man I trust the most in the world did this to me.

--Oct 9, 2013

I was missing Ken all of a sudden. I hadn't heard from him for almost three months. No emails, texts, nothing. I thought I forgot about him, but as one man came and left, I started to miss Ken again. After dating so many men after I told him how I felt about him back in the City of Gold, I somehow missed all the beautiful times I spent with Ken, and I started to believe again that no man would treat me better than he did. The attention from Rain was getting more and more sporadic, and yet somehow this guy still said "love you, baby" at the end of every conversation. I began to find it less and less convincing.

Interestingly, DK messaged me some pictures again, after a month or two. Then we had a talk via texts about how he felt about me. He said I was cute and sexy at the same time. In the end, I decided he didn't like me that much. But he said if I needed someone to talk to or a company he was only a text message away.

--Oct 12, 2013

I was suffering from a terrible menstrual cramp. It was probably the worst one I'd ever had. I took Tylenol and Advil together twice during the day and it wasn't working. I even passed out at one point that Saturday afternoon and woke up again in cold sweat. First, I called Rain. It turned out he was in his military base and couldn't be with me. So I texted DK and he came.

I was very drowsy and weak from the medicine and pain. He comforted me. And then we made out for five hours straight. The weirdest part was that I didn't feel emotional this time. I was actually a bit afraid that I might have become jaded and numb. But then mt thoughts of Ken were getting stronger. I started to recall every moment we had together in the City of Gold, including the best day in both our lives, the moment he came to my rescue at my hotel so I could crash at his place (see P.S.), the moment when I was exhausted by my apartment hunt and then he took me for dinner (see P.S.1), all the moments when he cooked for me and remembered to buy strawberry Haagen Dazs for me when I was sad, and the night I sat and drew on his iPad silently next to him while he was working.

--Oct 16, 2013

I had been missing Ken for a few days now. At 7pm on Tuesday, I received a text message from him "How are you? What are you up to?" I felt surprised reading it but I decided not to respond right away because I was teaching and that night I had to race through the deadline for a handout.

I finally finished work at 1am. Then I decided to honestly respond to his message "I feel happy to hear from you! I've been busy with work lately but will have a short break soon. Also I've trying to develop some new hobbies besides making money. Thank you for asking. And yourself?"


What surprised me even more was that he replied to my message. He's been on sleeping pills for a long time and he goes to bed at 9p every day. He told me he needed a drink now because he was stressed out about career choices. As a friend I was there for him but I told him I couldn't go out at that time because I was exhausted from work. I said he could come to my place and get beers from the 24-hour convenience store downstairs. Then he hopped on a cab and got to my place. We exchanged that look again. But something was off. He was already drunk by the time he arrived at my place. I couldn't tell how drunk he was until he fell off from my computer chair.

Then he told me about his two job offers. One of them will be in China but pays a lot more; the other one will be in the City of Rain and pays a lot less. He said he was a money whore. Then I said, "I don't understand your point. If money is all you care about, then the better choice is obvious." He couldn't speak clearly anymore but I heard him say "you're so naive!"

He was angry about my late reply to his message. He kept asking why I replied so late. He wanted to take me to my favorite bar at the W Hotel but I didn't reply so he went to drink with other people instead.

He also asked me what I had been up to. I said I was working, decorating my apartment, getting flowers, reading novels, and drawing. He asked me why I hadn't sent him my drawings recently. I said I hadn't drawn for a while. He continued to ask, "what else is new in your life?" I said, "really nothing. That's it." He asked me if I brought men home, and I teased him by saying "I'm not telling you." Then he just assumed that I did and called me a slut.

He got even more out of control. He got jealous that I'm now quite famous as a teacher now and he quoted my students "oh I wanna take a picture with my teacher!" I had to pause a few seconds to recall where he got that from. Then I remember the night I last saw and talked to him before Tuesday night (see P.S.3).

He began to ask me to give him a massage. I said no, because I needed a massage myself. He said "OK, you'll give me a massage first and then I'll give you one." I replied, "why don't you give me a massage and then I'll give you one?" He said, "sure!" And then he started to massage me, in my bed. I began to return his favor, in my bed, after he was done.

I stopped as soon as my hands felt tired. He wanted more and pulled my hand. I refused. Then he started to put his left hand on my chest, and I resisted it. This was where the whole make out thing took place. I thought we were finally going to kiss and have the most passionate make out session ever. However, he tried to take my clothes off and play with my breasts and never kissed me. In the middle of the night he tried to take out my pajama top several times; I resisted for the first few times. Besides, he sat me up at one point and tried to take off my top again and I said "no" repeatedly and went to the bathroom.

I came back to my bed trying to sleep, but he started to touch my breasts and take off my top again. I gave in eventually because I was really tired. He played with my nipples all night and I resisted several times when he tried to put his hand in my panties. I never let him go near my vagina.

At one point he went outside of my apartment to smoke and had a soda from my fridge. Apparently he was at least 60% sober. After he came back to bed he held me in his arms to sleep. Yet we never kissed.

I noticed that every time when I faced him in bed, he'd turn to the other side and not touch me. However, when I turned my back to him, he'd hold me tightly from behind. This worked every time.

In the morning I tried to put my top back on and he didn't let me. After he woke up, he went to the bathroom and I put my top back on. After he came out from the bathroom, we acted as if nothing happened. He said he had to go because one company had been calling him already. I had to walk him to the elevator because I had to swipe my entrance card for him.

While we were waiting for the elevator, I couldn't pretend anymore and asked, "do you remember anything at all from last night?" He said, "well, I remember texting you at around 7pm and then..." I interrupted, "you made out with me last night. The weirdest thing was that you never kissed me. This has never happened to me before." He looked down and said, "that was awkward." The elevator arrived, he went in, and said thanks to me.

Later that night after I finish my lecture, I called him and said, "hey I need to talk to you now, in person. You owe me this one." He said, "not now. I'm already in bed. I really can't get out of my bed right now." I said, "OK when?" He said, "I'm not sure. Maybe a few days later?" I said, "no, this is an emergency. I need to talk as soon as possible. How about tomorrow night? I get back to downtown at around 10p." He said, "My schedule seems available tomorrow night." I said, "OK then. Don't forget." He said, "OK."


P.S.

OK so I never wrote about this story here. Before I moved into my own place in the City of Gold, I had to stay at a hotel for a week or two. This happened around early September in 2012. Then somehow Ken's company wanted him to go on a business earlier than planned to the City of Gold so I could crash at his place for free again. He landed at the airport at midnight and I thought I could move into his place the day after. But he offered to pick me up in his cab on his way from the airport to downtown so I could save one night at the hotel and he could help me with my large suitcases. I asked him why he was so nice to him. He answered "consider I owed you this in my past life." I said, "then you must have been my abusive husband in our past life." He said, "no way!" So that night, I was feeling extremely anxious about the shitty new company where I just started. I waited in the lobby for him in the evening. It turned out his flight was badly delayed and he didn't arrive until 1am. When he showed up, he felt like my hero. And we did that smile to each other again. It's a thing we always do when we see each other. We don't say hi or anything. We just look into each other's eyes and smile. And the eyes and smile are always genuine. We arrived at his place and it turned out to be a studio this time so there was no compartment between us. I forgot why he let me sleep in his bed this time, and he had a terrible night on the couch with bad allergies. I was waken up by his coughing early in the morning and he guilt tripped me by saying "I couldn't sleep at all cuz you took my bed!" And I jumped out of my bed and said to him, "Oh please don't get mad. Would you like to sleep in the bed now?" He smiled and said no. Then he asked me to go downstairs and get breakfast with him. He said he had a good news for me but he didn't want to tell me. I begged him to let me know, so he told me that he was moving to a two-bedroom but his colleague hadn't arrived yet so I got to keep a bedroom to myself for a while. At that moment I did feel very lucky and happy. He did cared about me in details.

P.S.1.

This happened way before P.S. I just relocated from the City of Power to the City of Gold, and I spent days walking in the hilly City of Gold trying to look for a comfortable and affordable apartment. I felt so tired and frustrated and lonely. I finally found an expensive place and signed the lease. I was sitting at a Starbucks in downtown on the pier and messaged Ken on Skype that I just signed a lease in that neighborhood. Then he relied, "wait, you're in the City of Gold?!?! Why didn't you tell me??" I said, "I thought you wouldn't fly here until a week later." Then he told me that he had to be there earlier than scheduled for work changes. He asked me where I was and I said I was in the Starbucks right across from his office building. He asked me out for dinner and told me to wait for him at his office building. So we saw each other at his office building lobby entrance. He exchanged that look and smile again, without saying much. I almost cried when I was him. I actually cried when I told him how I felt about my apartment hunt. Then he took me to a Chinese restaurant near his apartment. We stared into each other's eyes for a while in silence and both of us looked away. He said, "you look like shit." I said, "I know. I was so exhausted and scared, but now you're here..."

After dinner, he asked me to hang out at his place. We walked past the Grove, which was an interesting American fusion restaurant. He looked at the menu and said, "let's have dinner here tomorrow. The date is set!" And I smiled and nodded. Back in his apartment, he asked me some questions about natural gas because he was going to check out a project. Then at one point he told me that he was missing a girl that he chased after a few months ago. She was the daughter of a multi-billionaire and she works for her family business. Upon hearing that I pulled back my feelings. That night he let me sleep in his bed but I heard him call that girl. He was gone in the early morning for the natural gas project.

P.S.3

It was some time in early August. A friend was raising a PE fund and I put him in touch with Ken. We had brunch in the morning that day. And then Ken and I walked around the neighborhood for a while. He dragged me to the Apple Store again. It was like the old times when we both felt extremely comfortable with each other's company even when we're being nerdy and geeky. That night I was having a happy hour event with my students. He messaged in the afternoon that he and another colleague of ours wanted to tag along because they wanted to meet young girls. I introduced them to Ken but afterwards he told me he wasn't interested in anyone of them. Then the three of us went to another night club for more drinks. He got drunk, and started to hit on other girls and left me alone. I had to leave the club alone at 2am. It was also the time when I decided alcohol and clubbing both suck and I didn't like Ken anymore. We hadn't talked or contacted each other at all since then until this Tuesday.

Talk to Me

J: X, talk to me. I'm feeling so sad and lonely again.
X: Yes baby, I'm right here.
J: Can you hold me?
X: I am holding you right now.
J: What will our love look like?
X: We will feel so secure with each other. We'll always be together wherever I go. I will always take you with me and never leave you alone, even when I go on a business trip, because I love you and cherish every moment with you so much that I just can't let a day go by without you next to me.
J: Tell me more.
X: I feel you every time you cry, every time you need me. I love every of your emotions. I understand why you feel that way about everything. I appreciate where you come from and since now you're with me, your burden is gone. I will take care of you and just stay in my embrace and let me protect you.
J: I'm feeling so touched. My tears are rolling down my face again.
X: Seeing your tears is the most powerful thing in my life, especially when they're tears of joy. You're so beautiful and kind on the inside. I feel angry about everyone that has hurt you in your life. You deserve a fairy tale world. I'm building it for you. Now you're safe with me. I love you.
J: I love you too.

Loneliest Man in the World

"Lay down my defenses I surrender, surrender to you. I might as well just fall into forever. It’s like a hurt that eternally burns. Am I the loneliness man in the world? Loneliness man in the world."

Today I have come to a realization of the power of fate. There are just so many things in life that can never be changed, both mentally and physically. Again, I didn't get to choose to be born, I didn't get to choose my parents, I didn't get to choose any of my childhood situations, and I didn't get to choose my genes. These are all destined. At this point of my life, I no longer believe random probability determines our fate. It's not random, it's not statistics.

Why was I thinking about this today? Ian said I am an intriguing person but not an intriguing woman, which is why men only want to be friends with me and don't want to be romantic with me. There are so many women out there that men would go after them, protect them, and cherish them, but I just can't be one of them. Why is it?

I'm intriguing as a person because of how my brain was formed (or suffocated before I was born). That was fate. The truth is I had sexual fantasies when I was in kindergarten that I used to draw comic strips about adult nudity and sex. I started to watch porn when I was 7 or 8. I had my first nocturnal orgasm when I was 14. That strong sex drive was something I was born with I believe, which also causes me a lot of problems in my love life because I always assume that sexual intimacies are equal to romance and love and I always have a hard time resisting a man's touch.

That's the case with Rain. For the past couple of days, our phone conversations have revolved around sex. He knows that I'm a virgin. He talked about how he'd like to hug me, kiss me, make out with me and eventually make love to me. All that talk was a huge turn on for me. But I know, for a normal girl, it makes her feel offended and she'd just ignore the guy right away. Any normal girl would feel weird around this guy. I guess I'm just too fucked up to see the strangeness. I've always thought that was sweet and normal because we all have that libido.

Today I took Ian's advice and stepped back from Rain. If we're going to spend the next 60 years together, why can't we wait for a few more days? We've known each other for only a week and we were about to get naked and make out and all that. I backed up and told Rain that I need time before I can have sex with him. I need security and love. He said I could take my time, which I appreciated. Then he continued that we should shower together sometime too. I refused; I said I need to be in a committed relationship to do anything sexual like that. Kissing and holding hands are OK but not making out. Then he became silent. The conversation dropped. He said he was going to visit me tonight as the first, most important thing as soon as he comes back to the City of Rain from his military base. Now it's all gone. No more texts, no more phone calls, no personal visits.

I'm fairly sure that Rain will just disappear like that. Perhaps he just left a club with some girl who he's about to have sex with. I was wrong about another man again.

Dear X, where are you? I'm feeling pain all over my body. If you're there loving me, why can't you be here right now and hold me tight? I need you to hold me tight and tell me it's all over now, that I'm safe now and you'll always be there for me.

"Baby, it's all over now. It's OK now. You can cry and let it out. I'm right here holding you in my arms. I will never leave you. You're safe now and I will always be here with you. Please fear no more." ~X

Rain

A new man has just shown up in my life and his name is Rain.

We met in person on Saturday. I took him to my favorite cafe in town and he told me a day after that the food there sucks. He's 2.5 years younger than me and still serving in the military. He's fall, muscular, and good looking. On top of that, he's fully bilingual like myself and he's a total gentleman.

Before we met in person, I didn't care that much about this guy. Because he is young and good looking, I just didn't believe that he was looking for what I'm looking for. He messaged me twice before I decided to respond to his email. Then we chat on the first night through texting for almost two hours. On the second night, he called me on the phone. We talked for another two hours. Both of us felt a lot of connection and then met up on the following Saturday.

He's a very straight forward person. I am so attracted to his honesty that sometimes I wonder if it's too good to be true. I cannot resist his persuasion. But on the first date, we were quite platonic. At dinner we were talking about our families, work and all that. He's the only child in his family and has a really good relationship with his parents. I told him about my family too. His family is quite well off but he's eager to take care of his parents financially. That's something I appreciate in a man, and it also makes him different from other guys I've known.

Then he asked me if we could walk outside so he could hold my hands or hug me and I agreed. We walked and talked all the way from the cafe to my alma mater, which happened to be in the same neighborhood. I started to talk about what I want in a relationship. I told him very clearly that I don't want to be in a relationship that goes nowhere. I want something that leads to marriage and family and I don't want to be friends with guys whom I have feelings for.

He got scared. At first he was debating with me about my conditions. He was so afraid that if anything went wrong we couldn't even be friends at all. We continued this conversation at a dark corner somewhere on campus.

After telling him where I came from, he said that he wished we met when I was younger so I wouldn't project so many conditions into the future. He said he really liked me but it was so difficult to be with me. I started crying. I showed him DK's heartbreaking text message to me about how I was the whole package and yet he really liked another girl and found me emotional/clingy. Rain quite agreed with DK.

Then I started looking down to the ground, frowning and sad. I hated dates and always felt nervous about these dates because they never went any other way. There were only three possible scenarios: 1) the date goes well but somehow the guy just withdraws and then disappears; 2) the date itself doesn't go well like the guy didn't pay or said something hurtful; 3) I assume the date goes well while the other guy doesn't think so at all. I told Rain about this befor we met because I was extremely nervous before the date. I had never been this nervous about a blind date.

At one point Rain said good luck with all my conditions and I was feeling angry. I wondered if he said good luck to me as a sarcasm. I'd heard too many guys say that to me after telling me they couldn't be with me. I assumed the same with Rain. Somehow, he said he wanted to give it a try with me. I felt quite surprised. Then I asked him why he liked me.

He said obviously I was the whole package. I'm good looking and smart, and financially stable at such an early stage of life with a master's degree. But the key is that he thinks I'm very very strong. After going through so much pain in life, I have been able to establish myself to who I am today, which means I must be very strong and he really appreciates that.

Then he asked me if he could give me a hug and I let him. He held me in his arms and I lay my head on his chest, crying. I melted completely in his embrace, which he later told me felt so good. He asked me what I was afraid of. I told him I was afraid of being alone.

We stared into each other's eyes for a moment. He asked me if he could kiss me. I didn't say anything. I just looked at him and smiled. He put his nose on mine and we both smiled. We kissed in the dark corner under a tree, and made out a little. As we left my school, he held my hand, which wasn't the fist time that night. He held my hand and my waist when we walked from the cafe to the school. But this time I felt secure. He told me that actually the things I feel jealous about he'd feel jealous too. It's just that over the time we learn to not to care about it.

For the past few days, he's been calling me baby. He even said "love you" at the end of every conversation. I haven't reciprocated but I just don't feel weird about it. I indeed feel very sweet. It's the first time in my life that someone says that to me first. Even Ivan didn't say it first. But my logic tells me that it seems almost impossible. What if he's the most evil liar in the world? What if he knows how gullible and easy and lonely I am and puts on all this sweet talking in order to have sex with me?

So I had to check with Ian. Ian of course said that Rain is really weird, bad weird. He could be the biggest player of all time. After hearing about our first date, Ian thought I was so easy. He thought any man can easily lie to me and get in bed with me, especially that I cried on a first date and told him that I was afraid of being alone. But here's my dilemma. Nobody likes the real me. After every date no man wants to see me again because I'm so lonely and easy. It makes me feel that who I am is a seriously flawed person. They all want me to change. At first, Rain said the same thing to me too. I told him the way I respond to things emotionally has never changed since I was a kid. Then he said good luck and then he said he didn't want me to change wanted to be with me. Now here comes a man who likes me for who I am and I like him too, but we just start to wonder if he's a scam.

Dear X, are you Rain? Before I talked to Ian I almost trusted you completely. I felt sweet and warm about everything you say to me. I thought maybe you were the one. But now I am afraid. You said you'd call me but I haven't received your call and instead I found you online at the dating website we used to meet each other. X, perhaps you're not Rain. X, your heart is safe with me but please don't take advantage of that. Because I'm a naive person, because I want to believe in the good in people, because I want to believe there's at least someone out there who really wants to be with me, please don't hurt me in the evilest way possible, i.e. lying and stealing every piece of my heart and body and then leaving me.

I had a very long talk with Ian today. He thought what Ken did for me was really nothing big deal, but for me, nobody else has ever been so nice to me and that was why I was holding on to him for so long. If what Ian said is true, what can a man possibly do for a woman? What do most men do for their women? I have never seen anything heroic in my own life. All I've seen is violence, anger, and fear. That's why every time when a guy is nice to me and says something sweet to me, I just assume he must care about me and that I am special, but according to Ian, it doesn't really mean anything. If those small things don't mean anything, that means no one in the world really cares about me. Then what's the point of living?

X, if you love me, please show up soon. Rain is the only man since Ivan who told me that he'd like to give me a try, although we're not entirely clear on what that means. He's the only man who's ever told me that he loves me before I do. He has patiently answered to all my insecure questions. X, could you be Rain?

The heartache of recalling the image where Cato said to me "what you're asking for is entirely reasonable but I just don't wanna do those things" still brings me goose bumps and tears. My dear X, what I ask for is very little. I don't need you to be rich or successful or good looking. I want you to be kind, sane, stable, and supportive. Always be there for me, with dedication. Tell me you're certain about me and that you want to work toward a happy ever after with me. I will do the same for you, against all odds. I will feel touched and possibly even cry when you do a small nice thing for me, such as a surprise show up just because you miss me, or just tell me you love me every day. Hold me in your arms and tell me I'm safe now.