What is a grown heart?

Since my last counseling session I've decided not to go to those anymore. I've had 4 therapists so far and none of them is able to push me forward. I just found my new savior--she's a relationship counselor in Los Angeles and I've already felt a huge difference after watching her DVD programs.

Because of these psychological exercises in her programs, I began to sink into my emotions and feelings again rather than suppress them. But these feelings also trigger my re-evaluation of what I want in a relationship. I think I still haven't changed, since elementary school. People always say we should grow up and be mature in relationships and I really don't know what that looks like. I'm always looking for love, a long-term commitment, smiling to him in a white veil saying "yes I do", and eventually dying simultaneously together 80 years later. However, before I was 25 I actually more focused on the part before the wedding; I had always thought I was too young and my life was too uncertain to settle down with anyone.

After being single for two years, I decided to open up to Cato because I trusted him so much. I actually believed he was different but I was just being stupid and blind again. My heart never grew mature. A couple of weeks ago I finally asked Cato out. It was the first time we talked to each other this year. I told him that I could not be his friend because I still had feelings for him; I also told him honestly how happy I was when he kissed me on the street and walked me home and how jealous and angry I was when other girls were poking him at the bar. The conversation actually turned out quite fun and I could still feel the chemistry a lot. After that he spoke to me twice. For example this afternoon he was standing right next to me in the cafeteria and he initiated a conversation related to work. I was a little confused about how to react because if I responded to him the way I used to I would feel so happy and then I'd feel sad again because all the chemistry I thought was there wasn't really there for him. So yeah, my response was a little awkward and then I still felt sad for the rest of the day.

Every day I wish we were still together. Every night when I come home I wish he was standing in front of my door waiting for me. Yes, it's an unhealthy obsession, something I've been doing since kindergarten. When I was little I used to imagine some boy band member or celebrity doing these romantic things to me like what they did in the movies; when I get older I still imagine these things with real people in my life. I did that to Jes for a couple of years, and then Richard for another two years, and then Ivan for a couple of months, and then Ian, and then JJ for a little while, like a week, and then Richard again until he actually visited me again after 5 years in the City of Power. After his visit I had that obsession for some time and then I went numb and became both physically and mentally celibate and got really fat. Then over the summer there was Ken and during last fall there was Cato. I have not fucking grown up at all have I?

Ken chat with me a few times over the past couple of weeks on his personal dating issue. He's really into a cute girl who comes an extremely wealthy family, has a master's degree from a big name school, very sportive, confident, and career-oriented, oh and, younger than me. He's been distracted by his obsession for this girl at work and felt he was doing too much work to get her. I just gave him my full support; I told him if you feel this girl is the one you have to go for it, no matter how much it takes, as long as she never gives you a "no" because it is a universal law that the guy must chase the girl. I felt happy that I was able to support him genuinely but on the other hand I felt jealous too. There has been no one guy in my entire life who'd do that for me. Ken thought there must be tons of guys after me but it's the complete opposite. My phone is constantly quiet and I'm usually alone every weekend. The only time when someone pursued me like that was Richard. I even humiliated him in the face that it would disgust me to hook up with him but he never stopped trying, although after I made myself vulnerable to him he dumped me. Just like Cato.

One of the reasons why I was OK with the fact that Cato was 3.5 years younger than me was because that women tend to live 3.5 years longer than men so we could die together at the same time.

I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I last wrote. I've been back to the City of Power and working my ass off. Lots things happened too.

1) I got back in touch with Jes. It was a lot of work on my side to track him down again. We talked on the phone for hours and he just started a new relationship. In fact it was him who called me for most of the time and I don't think we're going to lose contact of each other again. It's quite incredible to be able to communicate and be best friends with someone whom you've never met in person.
2) JJ and I become good friends again. Over the past week he called me at least twice and last night we talked on the phone for over an hour. It feels good not to have feelings and be just friends with someone you hooked up with, just like me and Ian.
3) I don't want to talk to Tanner anymore. A couple of days ago we were having lunch together and somehow he just got frustrated by the way I communicate. He thought I was always arguing for the sake of arguing whereas I was only pointing out his opinionatedness. I think he felt insecure about those things I said because what he said was actually against the Bible and I'm in fact an atheist. I find that I'm receiving too much negativity from him and it's going to affect my emotions too. For example that day after lunch I could barely work and fell asleep again.
4) Cato and I still run into each other quite frequently. Unfortunately we will need to see each other at least twice per week because of the conferences. Tonight after one conference I got back home and cried, but not particularly forcefully. I shed some tears and felt really really depressed. I actually want to be able to cry out loud, like a little kid, screaming and kicking and throwing toys but I just don't have the ability to do it. I can't let my tears out even though I felt lots of them in my chest, and my throat.

Therefore I went to take a really hot bath that made my whole body red and sweat. I feel tired and sleepy now. Cato still looks good, although I really don't know why I think that because objectively he's probably a 5. His arguments at the conferences were still sharp and eloquent. His OCD is still there; he was brushing and pulling his hair with his hands nonstop throughout the conferences. I still see those shy defense body gestures when he talks to other people, even though he was laughing out loud. Nevertheless I mean no shit to him. He doesn't give a shit whether I was there or not. He did not even glance at me a bit. For him I was just a number, someone he almost nailed but got impatient. For him it didn't matter whether I was hurt because according to him "Relationships don't work out. It's life."

Last weekend I went to the movies by myself. I asked a couple of friends but they weren't available and I decided to go solo, like in high school. I saw The Descendants and truly enjoyed it, also the solitude too. Sitting alone in the middle of the row, laughing and crying without worrying being seen by other people, crunching up a whole bag of popcorn not having to ask the other person whether they wanted some, it is just very relaxing overall, way more relaxing than going with friends. I can wander around the cute neighborhood and watch the sunset on the river, not having to worry about what other people prefer. I LOVE it this way. In fact I plan to do this every weekend and invite no one. Oh forgot to mention another thing--I didn't even need to compromise with others on which movie to watch.

I just want to do well at work. Yes, as I approach the annual hurtful V-day and my 26th birthday I panic a little bit about starting a family. But maybe I just can't get over myself emotionally. Maybe I will adopt a child or find a surrogate sperm. Or eventually I will lose my virginity to some guy with really good genes and get pregnant without romance.