Back

I just got back from the short vacation, and god I can't believe I feel this lonely.

Vacation

I am going on vacation tomorrow, leaving this bloody cold rainy city for a southern tropical sunny beach. Somehow, I'm not even feeling a bit of excitement because I know that I'll still feel lonely, and when the vacation is over, life is still the same shit.

Against all odds

"Against all odds" is just a stupid ideal that people created. I must be the only fool on earth to actualize it and in the end get burned and shattered.

I sacrificed my career for Ivan while he's reached a landmark in his already; he broke up with me once when I just started the job and that drove me crazy; I cooked for him, drove him anywhere he asked me to, did anything he wanted me to because I loved him while these things were taking too much of my time, yet in the end he wouldn't even visit me in the City of Rain, he chose his family and broke up with me, and today, he officially says that he hates me. Yes, he hates me.

Do not ever take men's promises seriously, no matter how different you think he is. He promised me that he would never break up with me, that he would never leave me, that he will never die before me, that he will call me, that he will always love me, that he is always there for me, and so on. I'm telling you, it's all bullshit. He loves his buddies more than he does to me. He doesn't really give a shit to me. All the things I sacrificed for him were in vain. Am I the stupidest person in the world?

I have been with many many men, but I actually loved only 3 of them. Ivan was one of the 3, but was the least compatible out of the 3. He doesn't like food, doesn't travel, and highly dependent on his parents, financially, and he doesn't understand me. However, I believe no other man in this world could tolerate me as much as he did to me. Richard was the most materially compatible among the 3. He's a genius, extremely sarcastic and funny, super rich (ok I know that's a very superficial element but my parents love it), extensively traveled, highly socially connected, and loves food. In fact I felt proud when going out with him because he can handle any situation and impress everyone at any occasion. The best part was that we mocked and laughed crazily behind other people's back (yes we were mean). We were together for only 10 days but I was already willing to do anything for him; he said he loved me and promised that he would visit me but in the end he slept with other women and fell in love with someone and then I realized the promise was also unreal, while I already sacrificed school and my family for him.

Jes was my first love. He is smart, muscular, handsome, funny, independent, loves children and dogs, understanding, poor, and a high school drop out. We were together on and off for around 2 years and in the end I hated him. We used to talk for hours nonstop on the phone every day; by "nonstop" I mean no silent pauses at all. I don't quite remember what we talked about, but the conversations were delightful. I think he's the most emotionally compatible out of the 3. Nevertheless, we have never met; he thought the whole thing was to fucked up and persuaded me to go out with men in my real life. Eventually I have been traumatized by men so I decided to hate him. Because of him I gave many of my "firsts" to men who didn't deserve. He should have protected me from all these unnecessary relationships. Before I moved to the City of Extremity, we chat once online, and he said he loved me, but I just didn't believe it and couldn't take it because I thought he was not worthwhile; he didn't go through the difficult times with me. Then I just blocked him completely--no emails, no phone calls.

There, my 3 favorite relationships ended because of long distance. Richard already gave his heart to some other woman in the City of Whores; Jes probably either hates me or loves someone else; Ivan hates me to the bones and just wants to ignore me forever.

When I was falling in love with Jes (I was only 18), I wrote in my diary that "why do people have to detour so much and in the end realize that it was only a waste of time and energy?" I'm 23 now, and I still agree with what I said. I already regret the detour. I think all the relationships after Jes were unnecessary because he was my soul mate; we could love without physical intimacy and without knowing when we would actually meet, and we both strove for that goal; Ivan couldn't do that. Although in the end I managed to get myself closer to him, I was already damaged and deeply hurt by him. If we had preserved that innocence and forgotten about what the society thought about our relationship, we could probably still be happily together, at least mentally. Sex is way over-rated in this world today.

Lonely Painful Rain

30th Anniversary Reproduction Francie
(and her puppies!):


Vincent van Gogh Sunflower Barbie (in the Netherlands!):


Goddess of Sun Barbie by Bob Mackie (in front of Taj Mahal):


Today the rain feels lonely and painful.

Happy 2010

2009 was a year of loss. I lost my career, lost my life, lost my trust to people who I used called friends, and just a few days before 2010, I also lost the man of my life.

Ivan just got his degree and he wants to go back to his hometown for good while I could not compromise with a life in a place where I never want to be. He decided that we would not have a future and broke up with me. He chose his family over me.

I had a difficult time getting over it, and maybe I will never be able to get over it. However, I think I matured in this relationship. At least I now know what a long-term relationship is like and how much I don't want it in the future. But that's not the most ironic thing; the most ironic thing is that I learn to define love through breakups. Was I loved in this relationship? Yes, I was loved all the way until Ivan chose his family over me, because I would never choose my family over him.

Wait, so did I learn "love"? Or I only learned "what love is not"? After some debate within my mind, I believe it's the former. At least now I know that if I love a person, I am willing to fight agasint all odds for him, so he didn't love me as much as I do to him. Also, we're gradually estranged from each other, and perhaps someday, we'll never talk again.

Today I watched a movie called "Ex". It's an Italian romantic comedy released in 2009. It helped me think a lot about "the one", which was the first time after the wakening strike by He's Just Not That Into You. Who is the one? What is the one? Do you know if someone is the one? How do you know if someone is the one? I do not know but now I know that Ivan is not the one; he broke up with me twice during our 1-year relationship. He's always been scared and fed up with me but I forced this relationship to happen, and now I get my results.

But anyway, it's all past now. 2010 will be a year without loss. Why? Because....
My current scoreboard:
Love: 0
Career: 0
Friends: 0 (excluding my dog, brother, one really old friend)
Cash: 0
Weight: Lots to lose.

None of the above items can go negative except that I really need to lose weight this year; I want to go back to 115lb again yet losing 5lb is so difficult for me...

Lastly, a few pictures to share: