Lucky Note 4

Last night I had a dream about Ken. He said a lot of romantic things to me but I can't remember any and we were about to have sex. But before he penetrated I told him that I was technically a virgin and he retreated. He moved farther and farther away.

1. I feel so lucky that the City of Gold has this great specialty coffee chained store that I could sit down in the evening, sipping an amazing hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cinnamon twist, and reading The Red and The Black.

2. I feel so lucky to be able to walk along the ocean in the rain today with a gorgeous view of the city.

3. I feel so lucky that I could start decorating my apartment at such a low cost and my place is starting to feel more and more festive.

4. I just feel so lucky to be living here.

Lucky Note 3

1. Today I found a beautiful, clean, new large couch in the dumpster of my apartment garage. I checked it out twice and decided there was no way I could move it. As it approached midnight I still wanted it so bad and moved this heavy giant thing entirely on my own to my apartment. It got stuck at my apartment entrance and I almost cried because I was scared of being embarrassed and frustrated by how helpless I was at that moment. The couch was too long for my door. Somehow I still figured out the right angle to get it into my apartment and I still can't believe I did it all by myself, without making a noise or disturbing my neighbors!

This couch is really high quality and the color goes with my bed sheets. I feel extremely lucky!

2. I feel lucky that there is this wonderful, cheap, cozy cafe in my neighborhood that serves this incredible Mexican hot chocolate.

3. I feel lucky that I can do dry sauna or spa every day at my apartment.

4. I feel so lucky that several things I'm auctioning on eBay have exceeded the original price I paid for them brand new!

Lucky Note 2

1. I feel lucky to get two random checks today--one from the bank for some overdraft fee settlement I have no clue of and the other one (to be received soon) from my previous company for all my unused PTOs.

2. I feel lucky to have flowers and some free furniture and decorations in my apartment. This place just feels extremely comfortable to me.

3. I feel lucky that two friends called me today and each talked to me for almost an hour. My dad also called me.

4. I feel so lucky to be fully bilingual in two completely different language systems so I can have access to a much broader pool of intelligence and save myself from the destiny that runs in my family.

Lucky Note 1

OK from now on I am going to post a lucky note each night before I sleep.

1. I feel lucky to be living in the most beautiful neighborhood in the most beautiful city in the world. I live by the ocean and it is a lifetime dream come true for me.

2. I feel lucky to be helped by so many people. I am getting a new job soon.

3. I feel lucky to have so much more intelligence and courage than most other people in the world. This makes me think and act so differently and lead an amazing life on a higher horizon than the world's.

Forgive Myself and Everyone

Since my resignation I have been more often unhappy than happy. It is because I have been feeling so guilty. I feel guilty to my family, my friends who made the introduction for me to that job, and somehow I even feel guilty to my boss even though he fooled and lied to me.

I also feel afraid because I need to find a new job as soon as possible otherwise my dream will be all over. I will have to go home and everything will be gone.

Therefore I need to forgive myself and everyone, although I need to be forgiven before I can forgive other people. Objectively, I do feel happier now than when I was working for a charlatan because I am true to my own values. Quoting Robyn in How I Met Your Mother at the end of Season 6: Yes the future is scary but you can't go back to the past just because it is familiar.

The uncertainty for the next couple of months is scary and crucial to the rest of my life but I am not going back to the past three months when I was constantly feeling anxious and disagreeing with my boss's ethics.

I have finally come to a realization that it is so important that I like my job, regardless of the economic rewards. Rich people around me say this to me all the time but I was never able to understand it and assumed they could say that only because they already had the money. Now I see how this makes sense: while we are awake, we spend at least 60% of our time working and thinking about work and if we are not happy for majority of our time, we will not succeed in our career and be happy with all other things in our life. If I can feel happy and fulfilled during the majority of my time, I am certain that my life overall will be uplifted; wealth and love will be attracted by me.

Now the key is to figure out what I have passion for. I was in renewable energy finance, which was something I chose based on popular opinion. I am not making that mistake again; I must trust my own independent judgment.

Then I came across an old article by Saif: http://lifepsychologyandalotmore.blogspot.com/2012/03/self-realization-and-career-development.html

Out of all the 9 intelligences, I have:
1. Linguistic
2. Logical-Mathematical
3. Spatial
4. Interpersonal
5. Intrapersonal
6. Existential

But that's too broad; most jobs in the world only require really deep expertise in one or two of these intelligences. My problem is that I am intelligent in many things but not deep in one thing.

Nevertheless, when I think more about myself, linguistic intelligence is definitely my number one advantage. It is also something that most people notice about me during first impressions. I have been thinking about having a career in diplomacy, which is in line with my degrees and skills. The difficulty is that my citizenship status gives me no room in diplomacy on a governmental level. I can pursue this only through the non-profit sector or the private sector that is doing business internationally. The latter has been very competitive; all the established multinational corporations are receiving too many top-tier MBA resumes with much more experience than mine.

I intend to forgive myself, trust my judgment, and forgive everyone else. I believe things will work out for the best. Everything that has happened to me is meant to lift me to a better place in life.

For the First Time

For the first time in my life, I ended something unhappy on my own. In the past I have never quit anything that gave me tremendous pain or broken up with a guy who treated me like shit. I always hanged in there until the job forced me out or the guy dumped me. This time I had the bravery to quit my job. Yes, I quit my job last Monday. I think 3 months are enough for me to decide whether I like this company or not and I made up my mind. I liked the technical functions of my job but when it comes to losing my credibility and integrity entirely for the company I really cannot have a good night sleep. Working for a charlatan is not acceptable in my value system and I honor my values.

I have no regrets but I still cried my eyes out for days. Ken made me dinner on the first day. Then I felt so relieved and happy on the second day. After that, I started to feel sad and guilty again because I kept thinking about my family and how much pain we cause each other.

Ken shared an article with me about how people never realize how lucky they are when they are having their luckiest moment. Here's my response to his email:

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Thanks for the article. I feel really touched and triggered.

When I look back at my life, I do feel lucky despite all the sufferings that almost killed me. I've met more people, read more books, seen more things and been to more countries than anyone else in my family. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether I was actually born to my parents because my way of thinking and language skills are just exceptional in my family.

Following the nervous breakdown in the City of Power last winter, I was so surprised by my lack of will to live and promised myself never to go back there again. I found myself an incredible life coach--almost like a magician--and finally learned who I really am and how to live in the present. I love reading at a cafe while listening to the rain, writing my paper by the lake under the cherry blossom, or simply picking flowers at a supermarket. I crave a simple life like that yet somehow it has always seemed to be a luxury to pursue.

For the first time in my life I had the courage to end something painful on my own. I have never had the ability to hurt anyone but myself. I grew up watching my family go from extremely wealthy to extremely poor, my dad divorce my older brother's mother, my older brother turn from a straight-A student to a promiscuous college dropout, my dad marry my mom when he had nothing left to offer my mom, and I have taken the responsibility for their happiness at the expense of my own. If I were never born, my dad would feel much less guilty to my older brother and his mom and my mom would probably be more secure and free. The only thing I could do was to make sure everything I did was flawless so they could feel happy and confident although I have never felt as happy about any of the things I accomplished.

It took me a few years to finally stop taking the blame for my family's unhappiness. They still blame me for wasting their investments and sacrificing my younger brother's future. But at least now I love myself and have the choice to make myself happy, which I believe is the foundation for any success in my life. They might or might never understand this and I have given up explaining myself to them. I hope one day I will have the courage to tell them that I am just a girl.

As for work, my friends in Taiwan hopped from one job to another on a monthly basis during their first year out of school so I don't think I made a mistake. The only difference is that I have to pay the bills on my own. Nevertheless, I still love the City of Gold. It reminds me of all the amazing help I received from you and extraordinary things that happened to me. This place feels more like home.

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Ken has been crashing at my studio apartment for more than a week now. There are moments when I feel he's really gravitating toward me yet there are times when he is withdrawing. Like now, it's almost midnight and he's not back home yet. He has not let me know when he'll be back or where he's at. I would not initiate to find out anyway but I also feel angry having to wake up in the middle of the night and open the door for him. He still has some way to go before he becomes a mature man who can take care of both himself and me. Also, he's been taking anti-depressants again. As for myself, I haven't been seriously depressed for almost a year now. Yes these days have been difficult for me but I have been able to stay positive and to make sure I cry when I feel like crying every day.

I got two VIP tickets to an NBA game on Saturday night. Before that, Ken and I had brunch by the ocean, and then checked out the flugtag event. After that he went to get a haircut and I went grocery shopping. He carried my grocery home and I made dinner. Then we headed to the NBA game. We had so much fun at the game and most important of all, we ran into the Black Eyed Peas at the VIP lounge and snapped a picture with one of the guys. Ken was very happy and excited that night; he told me that day was the happiest day he had ever had in this country. It was definitely one of my happiest days as well.

I don't know how Ken feels about me and I have given up guessing. I can't change how he feels about me and if he wants me he has to be a man.