Stuck

Last night I was reading my blog entries from the first half of 2010. Then I came to this cruel, saddening realization that I haven't moved on at all since then. I've looping in circles. I thought I changed and my dating patterns changed. But after dating a lot more men and becoming more sociable over the past few of years, I am still back at the point where there's not a single soul I can talk to, I'm still wanting the same simple thing and yet unable to find it--a big bear hug from someone telling me that things would be OK, and I resort to the imaginary relationship with someone who never shows up in my life simply because it's slightly less frustrating than the reality.

I really don't know how to move on with my personal life. Besides working harder and making more money, I'm not sure what else I can do to take care of myself emotionally. I mean, I love my job and I enjoy the presence of my students who adore me, and I still have enough free time to engage in reading and all that artistic stuff. At least this part is better than it was back in 2010, when I didn't have a job but had too much free time and uncertainty about both the present and the future... Am I really different, better now than I was four years ago? If yes, why would I be writing the same thing all over again?

What if fate is in fact the only constant in life? One's personality can change, time passes, the surroundings can change, but fate remains constant. What if this whole relationship stuff is so fated that no other variables can really change it?

No good in human nature?

"Where's the "good" in goodbye? Where's the "nice" in nice try? Where's the "us" in trust gone? Where's the soul in "soldier on"? I'm alone and lonely 'cause I don't own the only. I can take this mistake but I can't take the ache from heartbreak. I can't take the ache from heartbreak!"

After knowing that my mom has to pay 90% of her monthly salary to my dad's debt, I've told two people about this so far, and I don't plan on telling a third person--the first one being my brother, and the second one Frank.

I told my brother about this because I used to tell him everything, but his response was frustrating and I've decided not to talk to him anymore. He first gave me a lot of suggestions but all I needed was some empathy, or sympathy. Knowing that someone understood, or even shared my pain and grief. He showed none. He thought I discriminated against him by calling him gay. I mean, wtf, if I can't call a gay man gay or homosexual, what should I call them, straight?

Anyway, the trigger that set off the fire in me was the fact that he thought I took away all the opportunities from him. He thought I took away all the good genes; I could travel abroad almost every summer but he couldn't. But then I asked him if he thought he'd be as successful as I have been if he could have all the trips I had. He gave no answer. He blamed me rather than fate or God. What a fucking loser. That's it. We're done here.

The second person I talked to was Frank. Our conversation ended the same way as the conversation between me and my brother did. He thought I was asking him to be responsible for my mood. All I want is a hug from someone and someone telling me that understood my pain. That's it. Why do people these days make such simple emotional support a big deal?

The person I want to talk to most is Ken. But I can't. Can I? He came to me when he felt so much pain, when his cousin died. I cried upon hearing him talk about his pain. That's the kind of empathy I want, the kind of empathy I give to Ken. Unfortunately, I can't empathize with myself. People today value independence, "taking care of yourself" so much but the fucking sad truth is, I can't hug myself; I can't cry with myself, because there's only one of me.

I gave Ken a big, warm, long hug when he was about to leave. He was still drunk but he said it felt so good and I could feel his relief in my embrace. That's the kind of hug I need right now, the hug I gave to Ken that Sunday morning.

The world is filled with more and more fucking zombies, i.e. emotionless, numb, cold-blooded, depressed, violent zombies who do not have any emotional availability left in their hearts to feel whatever/whoever is around them. I'm not going to become one of them.

Despite all the realities give me an incentive to be a zombie, I will not go there again. That money is not a problem; I'll willingly give it to my mom because I can't bear to see her suffer like that. I just feel sad that my dad has screwed up big time throughout my entire life and my mom has no way to get out of it. I also feel sad for myself because I work so hard, for that vision of having a loving family, and yet I'm nowhere near it.

Dear X, where are you now? I'm thinking about going back to the City of Gold for Christmas. It's my favorite city after all. Perhaps I'll be alone, but I miss the smell of Ken's apartment, the blue sky and the ocean breeze. Of course, the sunrise and the sunset by the beach. Amazing coffee, empathetic smiles, and aimless wanders along the pier. The only thing that's stopping me is knowing that the city is still there but Ken won't be, and yet Ken was the key that made the city so beautiful to me.

One good news here: The Script just added me on Instagram. They've got 224k followers and they follow less than 1500. Somehow they requested to follow my Instagram since it's a private one. I wonder who did that, and if whoever added me saw those pictures and paintings on my Instagram.

Army of Angels

It's a song from No Sound Without Silence. I must say this album is so amazing and the Script is still my number one.

When love’s a battle

And life’s a war

When I just can’t go on fighting anymore

When I’m surrounded

And they’re closing in

When I feel the bullets graze against my skin

This world’s a warzone

And I’ve got a shield

And I won’t surrender

Cause your love feels like an army of angels

Dear X, I always thought that when we finally met, everything would be OK. But now I realize the problem that runs in my family will require an army of angels. I'm afraid I'll never be financially ready for our family. Perhaps we should give up the idea of having kids together? The total wealth of my entire family combined is below the individual average wealth here. I'm in the very low rung of the social ladder, which makes me less fit to procreate. All the good guys I admire are way beyond my league. They make more money than I do, than my family do. They will only go after girls of the same or higher social status, just like how Ken chases after Louise, the heiress of a multi-billion corporation.

I really don't want to cause you burden. I really hope to be debt free when we get married, but it seems so unlikely now.

Pain demands to be felt.

Last night I wept until I fell asleep. I had a good dream but then this morning I woke up in tears.

"When the daylight comes I'll have to go, but tonight I'm gonna hold you so close 'cause in the daylight we'll be on our own but tonight I need to hold you so close."


Last night I cried because I was thinking about all the men I loved. I think only two of them truly loved me back, one was Jes and the other was Ivan. Then my tears just lost control and poured down like a stream. I fell back to the question of why no one loves me; with so many men passing by--I believe some of whom kissed me because they were falling for me--I still end up having no one who loves me.


Well then, who showed up in my dream last night? It was actually a very good dream. Yes, it was Ken again. This time I saw us in a cab. We finally kissed for the first time and we couldn't stop kissing. It's so weird how human dreams can be so real and unreal at the same time; I could really feel his tongue with mine but the whole thing wasn't real. Then he asked me, "what do you think our relationship is now?"


I smiled, knowing the answer very clearly. I felt really secure because I believed that was it. We were beyond boyfriend and girlfriend and it was our happy ever after. But before I said anything, I just smiled and asked him, "what do you think?"


He said, with a big smile on his face, "I think there are three things. Surprise, surprise, surprise." Then the dream got hazy again. He was continuing about how surprising it was for us to end up together finally but I was so ecstatic and woke up...


Pain kicked in. It demanded to be felt, throughout the day. My tears kept rolling down. I really want to stop loving Ken and open myself to other men but it just doesn't work. Every time when a new man comes, I give them the opportunity and fall completely for them, and yet they disappoint me every time. I have to return to the illusion of Ken, which is not entirely an illusion. Apart from the fact that he has never given my any commitment, all the things and pampering he gave me were real. That nervous smile, his nervousness around me, and all the care and gestures, were real. No one else has been able to treat me the way he did to me.


What if there's no escape and I'm eternally stuck in this illusion? What if he's married to someone else one day? I fear that and I don't know what I'll be like. I'll be devastated and I can't bear to imagine it. I will survive, like I have survived all the unimaginable disasters throughout my life, but I probably won't have the urge to survive then. A world without the fact that he had been there for me (or maybe has) is not worth living in.