The Matchmaker

OK so I have this really good old friend of mine; her name's Tin. She's my age, but has never touched a guy, seriously. And I have this another guy friend Ian, who went to school with me many years ago; he's extremely charming, funny, witty, self-assumingly handsome, pretty rich, and plays the guitar. Ian and I were each other's crush when we went to school together but nothing ever happened because I was too dedicated in school. I am trying to let Tin and Ian meet up, but at the same time I just have some concerns: 1) Tin is overweight, but I showed her hottest picture on Facebook to Ian and Ian is thinking that she's probably hot; 2) if things go wrong between them will I lose both friends? Supposedly if there's no chemistry between them, then fine, everything's back to where it was before; however, if there is chemistry between the two and Ian fucks things up how am I going to deal with this shit? Because Ian had a record of cheating on his ex-girlfriend and he is extremely popular, while Tin is just a conservative Christian girl who really has never "touched" a guy.

God now I'm thinking, why the hell did I even want to hook them up? Also, I'm picturing a scenario in which I will be doing all the talking when they meet up...

Anyway, we'll see when it happens. It just sounds fun.

Photo time:

Heading to those off-shore islands:


On our private yacht to the beach:


Finally, the beach!


These pictures were taken when I was on vacation last month to the southern tropical beach. I remember when I was at the airport, I was still talking to Ivan on the phone and he told me to take a lot of pictures so he could see if my photograph skills have improved. So I did take a lot of pictures but when I came back from the vacation he just completely blocked all communications with me, and hence these pictures have become meaningless to me. I don't know if I show any skills in these pictures but I enjoy recalling the sun and the beach, which are things we don't have in the City of Rain.

My birthday is coming in just a few days. I feel so ashamed to even mention it, and I will feel even more embarrassed if anyone remembers it and wishes me a happy birthday, because I have accomplished nothing all these years. Nothing. Although I am really trying hard to change the fate of my career, I still can't see it changing. No breakthroughs so far, no hope. And the worst of all, no one to talk to. I obviously don't talk about these things to my dog because I don't think she deserves to share my stress; her life should be all about good food, sleep, love, companionship, and fun. I've been talking to a few friends about what I'm going through these days, but none of them could let me finish the whole story because none of them can respond to my story. Therefore I have stopped trying to talk to people about my shit. The only one I can talk to is myself.

Can I have my secrets back?

Last night I sent Jes a message on Facebook; tonight I just found out that he blocked me. Yesterday I tried to call Ivan but he never picked up; today he emailed me and asked me what the fuck was going on in my head. I mean, seriously,

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

I trusted these men so much and gave so much to them but in the end when I need someone to talk to I can't find anyone. How is that even fair? Can I have my secrets back?

Let me tell you one thing: when a man breaks up with you and tells you that he will still be your friend and be by your side, that's bullshit. They'll block you everywhere online and eventually they will get a new number and disappear.

One day I am going to be so successful that these men will feel very pathetic about themselves.

None of them actually understood me. Ivan was my longest relationship and he didn't understand me either, although he claimed that he knew me very well, which was utter bullshit. All they saw was my protection, and they never went through my protection.

It's so difficult to just go out there and meet a complete stranger and start to know each other piece by piece. The stakes are too high and the chance of failure is 100%. Why exactly do people even bother to date?

biolovematch.com

I have this damn habit. I am an atheist, and I don't believe in any superstition, yet I always check this www.biolovematch.com every time when I like someone. LOL.

So tonight I did it again on some guy. I actually haven't seen/talked to this guy for a very long time, like more than 2 years. I just came across his Facebook very randomly and recalled that I actually liked him when we first met, so I checked his birthday with mine on biolovematch.com. And then, BOOM, he's a 100% match, 100% match on all three categories. Over the years I tried so hard to find someone that is 100% compatible with me on biolovematch.com; I even checked many Hollywood celebrities and the closest match I have got so far is Orlando Bloom. Now, I can't believe that a 100% match is someone whom I have actually met. Given this surprising result, I checked some other birthdays just to make sure that their calculator was not making mistakes. In the end, this guy J, is the only 100% match for me so far.

That is very intriguing. J is super hot. I met him at a conference and he was the manager of the conference. He gave me an interview before the conference and we missed each other for the first appointment, and then I was interviewed in a rush the next day, when he was rushing to catch a flight.

At the conference, chemistry between me and him began to change; he no longer felt like an authority to me and more like a crush. J is only a couple of years older than me but he was able to be in that position because his family was super rich and arranged him there. We were flirting all the time until one day, he totally convinced me that he didn't like me. J is such a womanizer that EVERY WOMAN at the conference had a crush on him. No exaggeration here.

J is actually the first man in my life that made me feel I was out of his league for external reasons, i.e. his higher position, his rich family, his incredible hotness (he actually called me hot many times but god knows if he was being a womanizer), etc. After knowing that I probably had no chance to hook up with J, I accepted Richard's pursuit. More specifically, I never had a crush on Richard in a sexual way until I hooked up with him, and the crush for Richard somehow burst into love all of a sudden.

At the last night of the conference, Richard and I were savoring the last bits of our relationship. J grabbed me away from the party crowd and somehow I sensed jealousy. I thought he was probably drunk or I was being narcissistic. A couple of years later, I moved to the City of Extremity, where his parents live and where he visits monthly. Somehow he never contacted me in anyway, even though our mutual friend met up with him regularly. So there, he hates me for some reason.

In sum, it is exciting to know that there is actually a 100% match in my real life and it makes me curious about what it feels like to be with this person, but then, he has a long-term girlfriend now and he hates me. How is biolovematch accurate in any way?

Pre-V-day sadness

Recently Gmail has created this thing called "Buzz", which sort of works like Twitter/Facebook. And guess what, I clicked on it and only one of my contacts used it--Ivan, ha. He took a picture of some food he made. The food was placed in MY dish left there. And his new girlfriend "likes" the Buzz.

So my instincts prompted me to leave a sarcastic comment like "...and I can see you eating in my dish, and D likes it." Soon he deleted my comment and blocked me on Buzz as well. HAHAHA.

I've been trying hard to fall asleep these nights, but I just can't. I wish I could cry and scream out loud, and then get a hug from anyone telling me that it's ok. But guess what, I can't even cry; it feels like I have run out all of my tears that all my tears do not respond to my sadness anymore. There is no friend, no family, no one I can count on. By "counting on" I don't mean that I want to rely on them; I just wish that I could talk to someone who actually understands my sadness. In the end I still pathetically resort to this stupid blog that nobody reads...

Why is my love so worthless? Every man I've been with broke up with me on either the telephone or Skype except for one guy. After breaking up with me, they tended to be able to enter another relationship very immediately, while I naively kept waiting for the possibility of them coming back to me, waiting for me at the door, or just giving me a phone call. I don't understand why these men want to get rid of my love so bad. Ivan gave me an eye cover before I hopped on the plane home. Since then I've been wearing the eye cover when I sleep, because it feels like his hands covering my eyes for me. Every night before I sleep I imagined seeing him in person again and I would run to him no matter how many people were watching, and he would give me a big ass hug. But those were just some wishful fantasies. None of these will actually happen, not from him or any man. You know what, I've spent every v-day alone, except for last year's; Ivan surprised me with a dozen roses at midnight and I was so naive and just fucking cried. I can't even forgive how stupid and gullible I was.

I really wish I could be a less lonely person, but I guess my fucked up childhood has damaged me deeply. My friends think my life is too dramatic and I am responsible for it. I agree that I am hopelessly romantic but no matter what, I hope it always turns out to be a comedy, although there have been only tragedies so far. My mom and her sister are trying to hook me up with a doctor--straight A genius student, went to a fancy medical school; I haven't seen his picture yet but I've been told that he has a really nice personality. I was outraged when they told me about this hook-up thing because unlike most women, I don't fall for someone because of their profession. But now I'm thinking, maybe the romantic comedy will never happen to me so why don't I just marry someone who's rich and provides me an awesome material life?

Finally, here's my little v-day gift to whoever reads this shitty blog. I took this picture when I was on vacation on a tropical beach last month. I think it was rather a paradise...

A brave heart?

Today Ivan emailed me with just one line: I have blocked you on Facebook and Skype; from now on we will only communicate through emails.

Later he called my cell phone. I asked him why he did it and at the beginning, he said that obviously he still had feelings for me and he kept checking my Facebook and it was too painful and unhealthy for him. However, I refused to believe that excuse. Finally he admitted that he is seeing someone.

It's ok if he's seeing someone, but what drives me crazy is that he is seeing a bitch named D. I have always hated this whore D because she kept sending flirty SMS, emails, and phone calls to Ivan when we were together, and she knew clearly that Ivan was dating me but she just wouldn't stop. Also, she calls Ivan "baby" all the time. When we were together, Ivan even promised that he would "never" date D because she was slutty and Ivan found her gross.

I am not jealous. In fact, I have despised Ivan to an extremity. I feel pathetic for every woman that dates him; but this despise comes with two sides--the underlying side is saying that I am one of those pathetic women. The cause of my anger and madness is not him, but myself. I hate myself for devoting so much to him; I sacrificed my career for him; I waited for him; I promised him that I would never leave him and I kept my words yet he made the same promise but we all know what he did to me. I hate myself so much that I don't even know how I can forgive myself.

When I lost my job and got expelled from my dream place, I often asked Ivan "what do I have left?" And he always said, "you still have me". I know I have always been bitter about my life but the 4-word answer was able to make me move on more easily and believe that love was all I needed. I used to believe that love was everything like what Hollywood is always trying to tell ya, but I've learned my lessons the hard way.

It's time for me to admit that I am naive and innocent, and I've spent years trying to change that but I'm afraid that it will never be changed. Before I met Ivan, I had been telling myself that I would torture the next guy in my life like how every of my exes tortured me, but in the end I was still too naive to do it--I loved him and tortured myself. You know what, I will always believe in love that what they say in the movies and books, but I just won't believe it will ever happen to me. After numerous observations, love only happens to those who don't want it; the more you want it, the more miserable and tragic you get. I have realized that I am too romantic and naive to be in a relationship and I will never step foot in the treacherous water again because I cannot afford to lose my career again. Having a highly material life is better than being with someone who is constantly lying. Besides, if I have a lot of money I can have more dogs and small cute pets. Animals are better companions than men, if the whole trouble of "love" was only meant to find a lifetime partner.

I spoke with a friend today and he said that what I'm going through is something that everyone goes through and that after the episode I will never feel hurt again after breakups. That sounds really awesome, and pathetic too. If people have to be so jaded to love, then it's probably not love. A brave heart is when you give out your heart naked, unarmed. My heart will remain naked and unarmed, but I don't plan to give it to anyone else but my dog.