Identity

I just got back to the City of Power after a short vacation trip to Richard's City; I'm calling it Richard's City because it's the city where Richard and I fell in love.

The bars we used to hang out at were all gone. It just makes me feel things change too easily, and Richard's City now has way less Richard in it.

Now I'm also puzzled with my own identity. Do I belong to any of the cities I've lived in? Do I blend in with people at my hometown?

Depression back.

After fasting on carbohydrates and sugar for 3 weeks now, I can definitely feel my depression back. It could also be my PMS.

This is my last week working with Ken. After I return to the City of Power I will probably never see him again. Weird. People who used to be with you for every second will all suddenly disappear from your life, usually forever.

Why does my life have to surround men? It used to be so much easier when I completely gave up on men; I did not care how much I weighed and my skin condition. I made no effort to maintain my appearance. But why am I doing so much now, for a man? Yet he does not really care.

How skinny and how hot do I have to be to make a man come to me? I used to be skinny and hot but it had never happened to me. It depressed me. Now I am dozing on sweets and getting fat and it still depresses me. It's really interesting how hormone can mess up with one's mentality so badly.

How can I not take these things personally? These men would do anything for other girls but never for me, even though I have always devoted more than anyone else. Where is my value? How can I be appreciated by one man some day?

Tears at last.

Last night I finally cried. It was a good long cry. I was very mad about how each man I've been with treated me like shit and the sadder part is that it's most probably my problem rather than theirs. I recalled the night I talked to JJ about how he was going to do with his girlfriend, and he asked me, "you haven't devoted real feelings have you?" I obviously had to answer no with a big smile, but I was already bleeding on the inside. Then I cried out loud in the shower.

I also recalled the day Richard left my apartment. I told him not to leave and he just asked, "we're cool right? We're good buddies." I certainly nodded with a big smile, and then I was depressed for days. It was so painful and sad but I could not drop a single tear.

Why does every man I've been with treat me like shit? Why do they all assume that I have no feelings and am just a toy? They could play with me and then dump me nothing different from an ordinary garbage. I am at least a fucking intelligent hot human being. What did I do wrong to deserve all this shit? I haven't thought of these scars for a very long time but last night I finally realized they're all there, still there, and hurting.

Not to mention all these guys began dating other girls immediately after dumping me. What in me drives men away? My intelligence, workaholism? They never tell me and they don't really care; it's their intention to leave me alone in the abyss of confusion and sadness.

I am 25 and right now should be a beautiful age to fall in love, but it has not happened yet. I wish Ken would join me for my weekend getaway before I move back to the City of Power and perhaps we would fall in love in the city where Richard and I fell in love. But after the weekend he would follow me to the City of Power because it's where he did his undergrad; he would realize he could not live without me.

The Cause Found.

Recently I read the new book by Gary Taubes and have been following the Atkins/Taubes Diet for 1.5 weeks now. It turns out a life without carbohydrates and sugar is beginning to depress me.

Therefore, I did a lot of research on the connections of fatness and mental state. Why did I gain 1olb over the past 2 years? Because I was depressed. Then I realized sugar and carbohydrates are able to make me happy, relaxed, confident, and workaholic. I began to indulge in those foods. I even became a member at Godiva last year; two years ago I barely consume any chocolates; four years ago, I even hated chocolate. All the dopamine and serotonin secreted by consuming these sweets have made me feel really satisfied about my all-work no-love life until recently I decided to attract Ken and lose weight.

I have indeed lost some weight after following the Atkins/Taubes Diet. However, it's been only 1.5 weeks and I already feel my depression back. This is because high-fat high-protein reduces the amount of serotonin and dopamine. In other words, a life full of sweets is equivalent to a life full of love because the amount of serotonin and dopamine released in my body is the same in these two different situations. This explains why I cried only once over the past year and why I couldn't drop a tear the day Richard left my apartment despite all the pain and sadness.

I think I'm going to cry tonight. I am having a good cry. I have only 1.5 weeks left till the end of the project and will return to the City of Power in about 2 weeks. I spent one summer with Ken and finally feel infatuation again after such a long time and now I'm leaving again. Maybe it's good for me to leave because Ken is occupied by someone else anyway.

A part of my life feels dead; perhaps a part of me is already dead. How do I resuscitate it?

Unable.

Ken hopped on a 4.5-hour flight to see a girl he met only once over the weekend. I am out of the game, as always.

Nobody has ever done that for me, not even someone I've dated for months. Yet some girls in the world can get guys to do that for them after meeting only once. What is it that they have and I don't? Skinniness I guess?