A family?

What does it take to establish a family?

My answer is this: a loving, capable and responsible couple who believe that their partner is the one, a 4-bedroom house, a car, and enough savings for kids' education.

Angel and I just had the most depressing conversation any couple could have, about money. It all started from me being stressed out; I'm stressed out because I'm being exploited at work, and he told me to quit one of my jobs. After lots of analysis, I still decided to keep tutoring those kids because I want to make as much money as possible. Then I started to tell him about all the financial mess in family that almost half of my annual income goes to paying off my student loans, rent, and supporting my family. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm depressed upon the thought of this.

Then my mind continued to meander around this issue; would Angel and I be ready to start a family together? Well, our kids get to go to his school for free from kindergarten through K12, which is a saver on a huge expense on education at the best private school in this country. But real estate price is crazy here. A thirty-year-old four-bedroom could easily cost $1m. Angel said it would be impossible for him to buy one, but he intended to rent a 3-bedroom to raise kids. The thought of our kids growing up in an apartment rental and myself spending the rest of my life in an apartment rental terrifies and saddens me.

And a car? Angel is against the idea of driving. He claims it's because parking is difficult in the City of Rain and he hates maintaining the car. But I think the truth is he can't have a good control of the car due to his scoliosis surgery. The picture of me and him pushing a stroller up and down the subway and bus saddens and terrifies me even more.

Is he loving, capable, and responsible? He's definitely loving and responsible, but not capable enough due to his scoliosis. Today I invited to go for a hike on a trail that I really like--it's a trail of which about 600 yards are almost vertical up to the top. In other words, half of the trail requires rock climbing. And according to his estimate, he wouldn't be able to make it because his back prevents him from carrying anything over 50lb. Rock climbing would require him to lift himself, which is over 50lb. This again frustrates me, because his scoliosis surgery does prevent him from engaging in a lot of activities, and yet he still tells me that it's never made him feel conscious or different from others. He has to get 8 to 9 hours of sleep every day because if he doesn't, his back hurts. 

Now I have more questions in my head. Can I really love a handicapped person? And how come in my experience so far, only handicapped people are crazy about me? Remember that one time I went on a date with a guy who has microtia? Can I raise my kids in a rented apartment without a car? There were other guys I dated who weren't homeowners and wouldn't be able to afford a house either, but when I was with them, I was somehow so fond of them that I could accept having a family without owning a house and a car; on the other hand, there's not enough evidence to back that up because our relationships were all too short for these issues to even come up.

How can I be depressed again when I'm in a loving relationship that I believe is the one?

Highway exit.

In HIMYM, Barney has a theory about highway exits, which is a metaphor for when people should get out of a relationship.

Last Saturday, I spent the night at Angel's place, and lost my virginity Sunday morning. Btw, sex fucking hurts! I'm afraid the pain that comes with breaking the hymen has discouraged me from having sex again. I was penetrated for about 30 seconds but it continued to hurt for another 10 minutes, and the pain was intermittent throughout the day.

But anyway, back to the highway exit. We had a very long fight tonight. This Tuesday I had a day off from work so I went to visit him during dinner time for ice cream. Tonight I wanted to see him again so I told him that I might commute for an hour from work to see him again, so by the time I got there it'd be 8 p.m.

He replied, "that would be tough because I have to be ready for bed by 8:30."

I snapped, again. Although he later explained to me that he found that it made no sense to "me" traveling almost three hours round trip just to see him for 30 minutes, I still believe that his first reaction was that he needed to sleep and I shouldn't go bother him. He just sugar coated it afterwards. If he said instead, "oh thank you baby, but we will only be able to hang out for 30 minutes or so. Would it be ok with you?" or "oh thank you baby. That's so sweet. I'm willing to stay up later for you tonight!", I would have happily gone through my plan and go see him. But the first thing that came out of his mouth just made me so angry and relinquish the plan, and possibly our plan on Saturday too.

He kept apologizing and even said that he would love me to be there. He admitted that he used the wrong words at first and said that everything I said made sense but he's just bad at arguing. The argument kept going on and on and on, revolving sacrifices in a relationship, how much sleep I'm willing so sacrifice for him (and please note that I was even willing to go through all that trouble even though I'm having a cold; on Tuesday I even blew off an important alumni networking dinner just so I could hang out with him), what our priorities in life are. For me, love comes before everything else. I'm even willing to die for love. But he wouldn't. He insists on getting enough sleep every day otherwise he wouldn't be able to function well at work; in other words, work comes before his well being which comes before me.

The text conversation went on for hours. He said he would regret it the rest of his life if he can't do something to keep me because it's the most meaningful relationship he's ever had and I'm the most wonderful woman he knows. And yet, when I asked him if he'd commute 8 hours a day, twice a week, just to see me, like his dad used to do for his mom, he said we're not there yet cuz we've been together for just six weeks. All these messages send me very confusing and mixed signals. We agreed that we're both committed in this relationship but he doesn't love me yet, or he does but his definition of love is too simple and easy and treats love like a leisure activity that people do in their free time.

He feels inadequate as my bf because he can't do what I can do; he can't sleep less or work less for me while I can. Usually, based on my past experience, this is the time when the guy takes the highway exit and tells me that "he can't reciprocate the feelings that I have for him" or "you deserve better" or "I'm not worthy of your love", or "you need someone better to take care of you". He acknowledges that I'm too good for most men and possibly him too, but he's willing to try harder for me, AND YET, his body and job have their limits. He wants to stay in this relationship and is afraid that I might dump him, but there's nothing he can do to improve our current impasse. Oh he's good with words: he keeps saying he wants to but his health fails him, i.e. he can't.

I don't know which is better--guys who admit defeat and walks away on their own or guys who admit defeat but continue to do the minimum to keep me around.

Maybe I'm not a relationship material. Guys always feel inadequate with me. Or maybe the kind of true love I want doesn't exist--the kind that Repunzel would sacrifice her lifetime freedom for and Ryder would sacrifice his life for, or the kind that makes Tristan grow into manhood and that makes Yvaine so powerful that she could save both their lives.