Why?

For the past few days I've been emailing and texting back and forth with Alex.

On 12/01/13 2:16 AM, I wrote:

Hey I feel happy to hear from you! But I also feel shocked that you found my LinkedIn! How did you do it???

On 12/01/13 8:07 AM, Alex wrote:
haha feeling creepy?! 
The mocking jay told me~~

On 12/01/13 2:16 AM, I wrote:

Hey I feel happy to hear from you! But I also feel shocked that you found my LinkedIn! How did you do it???

On 12/02/2012 I wrote:

Who/what is the mockingjay? I'm not creeped out at all because I once had another female stalker who flew to Houston from Pittsburgh to find me. Although unsuccessful, she did manage to find my Facebook a few years later. Now I'm no longer using Facebook, and she found me on whatsapp again.

So no, you're not creepy at all. Haha. Btw that's a nice picture you have there. I used to have a good looking picture on my LinkedIn but I had to take it off because of my publicity now. ;-)

On 12/02/13 7:02 AM, Alex Jan wrote:
--------------------
Mockingjay is a kind of bird in the novel of Hunger Game, it's an interesting story. 
Haha, how did she find your what's app?! Wow and you don't use facebook, why's that?
Thanks for the compliment altho I thought I could have used something more interesting, like a picture of me laughing out loud.
I figured that you are a celebrity when you talked. I wonder what nickname you use for teaching...is it two words? :P

So, when can you teach me something about speaking? XD

On 12/02/13 I wrote:

It feels so funny reading your message after just finishing 4 exhausting hours of work. So I'm guess your mockingjay is the internet? You googled my student ID number or my name didn't you? ;-)

I'm definitely not a celebrity, nowhere close. I've taught about 800 students in the past 7 months, that's it. I've been getting stalkers since elementary school because I am an introvert. As I refrained from engaging in social activities with other kids, people just got more and more curious about me. Things would probably have been better if I were a dumb introvert. Btw I saw the Ted Talk by Susan Cain. Two thumbs up!

The girl who stalked me on whatsapp was someone I went to classes with in primary school. We were friends but she overly idolized me. We never talked after the 6th grade. Thanks to the internet she somehow tracked me down. She found my whatsapp through my younger brother.

I shut down my Facebook about two years ago because, again, I had stalkers at grad school who were linking my pictures to people who weren't my Facebook friends. Apparently my stalkers were some girls who were older than me and yet couldn't find something else better to do with their life.

I do have a two-word pseudonym for teaching but I am never going to tell you what it is, at least for now. I'd feel so embarrassed if you really one day showed up in my class or in one of the free seminars we throw. I can teach you speaking one-on-one though, and I'd take a decent dinner as my remuneration. :-p

On 12/03/13 Alex wrote:

Hey do you have gmail or something else? I think Linkdin messages are very hard to use hahah 

So you work at night right? 
I wanted google your student ID but my memory isn't that good haha

800!!! and it's still increasing!!! I felt you are pretty down to earth tho, are you not? Or a down to earth celebrity? XD
Yea Susan's cool and she was once a toastmasters too haha! You should read her book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" too then. 
You were really this shy? Hard to imagine! So what happened later on?

So you mean you have a lot female fans? 

Now I am really curious about your pseudonym! But I promise that I will cover myself up so you wouldn't know know that I am there. :P

1 on 1 class yea I think I really do need it, what kind of food are you into then hahah

On 12/03/13 I wrote:

Aww thank you for the compliment. I'm feeling so flattered, again, after four exhausting hours battling with those rat bastards. I'm not sure if I am down to earth. I don't think it's possible for an introvert to be down to earth. For example, back in kindergarten I couldn't stand the idea of spending the whole day at school with strangers and cried desperately every morning for the entire first month. I'm sure my classmates and teachers and even my mom wouldn't call me down to earth.

As I grew older in this world that favors outspoken people, I have learned to socialize. I'm able to network, party, talk to strangers, talk on stage, but deep down I'm still the insecure shy girl back in kindergarten. To tell you the truth, sometimes I still feel so much anxiety before I give a lecture to 200 ppl that I'd cry for a while before the lecture. Besides, you probably have noticed that at the Red Room I enjoyed hiding in the back corner rather than being in the center of the crowd.

So you still haven't told me how you found my LinkedIn? I'm sure you didn't get it from Andrew because he doesn't even know my full name and doesn't have my email. Did you do a background check on me through my classmates??!!

I like all kinds of food. ;-) Do you use whatsapp?

- Sent from my iPhone -

On 12/04/13 Alex wrote:

Hello there!

Your story reminded me of one of the talks that Tal Ben-Shahar from Harvard gave. I don't remember the exact thing, but he talked how introvert needs some "break" when they do something extroverted, like giving a speech publicly or go to a social gathering. Then same with extroverts, if you lock them up by themselves, they'll probably go crazy haha...

For myself, I enjoy speaking on stage and making friends,  but I do need to spend time alone, talking to myself sometimes, or maybe just like really intimate relationship, talking to a close friend or so. 

Yea i got what's app. Do you also use LINE? it's faster to type with keyboard haha

My favorite places recently are Eslite, gym and Stage(Toastmasters), then movie theater&stage drama and outdoors(a bit cold now)

So you work every night?

cheers,

Alex 

On 12/05/13 I wrote:

I feel surprised that all your favorite places are also my favorite places too, except that my stage would be the stage at the test prep school I'm working at. Like you, I need alone time after socializing. For example, since last night's lecture I haven't literally spoken to anyone except for myself. Btw something really strange happened to me when I was on stage; my mind spaced out for a few seconds a few times. I tried really hard to read some lines in my own handout to my students and my eyes simply couldn't deliver the words to my brain. And I stuttered like 5 times!!!!!! Ohhhh and the worst of all, I spelled "consumers" as "comsumers" on the board, and it took me like 30 seconds to see that mistake and corrected it to my students. I still feel so embarrassed thinking about it. :'(

What was the last movie you saw at a movie theater? Guess what mine was?

I work every night on week days. On Thursdays I only work two hours and finish at 6:30p.

Sent from my iPad

Later he texted me in the evening. He was saying how cute my nephew was in my profile picture and the conversation started there. Eventually we talked about what kind of girls/boys we are into and then I asked if he has a girlfriend. Yes, he does. He didn't specify but it's probably a long distance relationship that's complicated. He joked and told me not to fall in love with him and that he'd introduce me some nice guys. I said, "Sure. Thanks" and dropped the conversation there.

After I got home I cried. Then I began to type this entry while playing the Rise of the Guardian on my TV. I feel so lonely. I really don't want to spend another day alone. Why does every guy I have attraction with is unavailable?

I cried. This is a year of loss. I lost the City of Gold. I lost Baby. I lost every man that I cared about. I lost my friends. I stopped talking to Ian because he told me every time when I messaged him he felt irritated. I decided to block him and remove him from Skype. The last time that finally made me pull the trigger was when I told him I angry I was when I saw JJ covering Jason Mraz's Lucky. That video got almost 4,000 views on YouTube. I came across that video by accident. Alex added me on Google +. I logged onto my G+ but decided not to add him because I didn't feel like sharing my videos of Baby and pictures with him yet. Then Google put JJ the first one on my friends list so I clicked his profile. The latest entry was posted in April this year, which was this cover video. 

I cried as soon as I saw JJ sing in the video. Lucky is my wedding song. For the past year I've been dreaming about singing this song with my husband at our wedding. And I feel so much pain watching that video. I don't have feelings for JJ but somehow I just wish I were in that video; I wished it was our song.

I'm having these conversations in my head tonight:

With Baby: I miss you every single day. I am so sorry. I really want to hold you and kiss you one more time. I want to be with you. Where are you? Are you well? I wish I could change something to save you. I am so sorry. My tears are all over my face and chest as I'm writing you this. You are my baby. You made me believe in the goodness in people again because you are a baby.

With Ken: Did I really never mean anything to you? Are you in China now? How are you? I am so angry at you. I've never hit anyone since 10. But I want to slap you in the face.

With JJ: Am I not good enough for you? My feelings for you were real but three years ago I was even more terrified of the truth that I couldn't tell you that. You were the first and only man I kissed in 2010 after my breakup with Ivan. Those kisses, including the public one on the intersection right next to my apartment, made me want to fall in love again.

With Mark: You are the only mature man I've dated so far. I really believed we had a chance. I wish fate could give us the opportunity or more time to fall in love. I wish you could choose me over your job. I wish someone or something in your life can tell you how important love is and you could come back to find me. 

With PB: At the hot spring, you told me you were so attracted to me. I asked you what you were attracted to. You told me you were attracted to me being me. It was the most powerful thing I had ever heard. No one else is able to love me after knowing where I came from, what I've been through, and what I want. Everyone sees me as a burden, a baggage, and just wants to stay away from me. Although you left too, but you told me the truth. You made me believe what I have us very beautiful and I deserve a better man. I missed the time when you hugged me in front of hundreds of people in the market when I had a sad face. I missed the last time I saw you before I got on the bus. You gave me a. very long hug. It felt like you truly cared about me. But now you're completely gone. You've blocked me on Skype. It hurts.

With Eric: I hope you'll really come visit me as soon as you can. I hope we can fall in love and I will go wherever you go. But right now, I wish you could care about me more. We haven't had any contact for over a month. Wouldn't you like to know how I'm doing? Are you seeing someone over there?

With Ivan: Are you a dad now? Do you remember me? You gave me so much power when we were together and I thought nothing could break us. I thought one year of long distance was no big deal. I thought you would fight to be with me. It's been four years and I am still single. My heart hurts, physically hurts whenever I recall your hugs, your comfort when I cried. I have never been hugged and comforted by a man when I cry since you. I have to hug myself but it doesn't feel as safe. When you were there, I believed everything was possible. I wasn't afraid at all. That's all I'm looking for. I want a man to hold me and be with me whenever I cry.

With Caesar: Whenever I cry, I think of you. Then I hate you. You barely check on me these days. You don't reply to my messages either. I often imagine you holding me, protecting me whenever I cry. But the truth is, my blog tracker tells me your IP is in your hometown, which means you're not working in the City of Gloom. I don't know what to trust anymore.

With Jes: How come you never follow up on my voice mail? Are you getting married now? I guess our 30-year-old deal is off?

With Ian: You're easily my best friend. I was 99% platonic with you. But I can't stand it that you keep popping out my dreams and faith. When you said what I demanded of a friend was something that people demand from their boyfriend, it hurts. I've lost too many friends who thought I was difficult to be friends with, because I'm emotionally needy. I've also told you that I typically drift away from my best friend after a year or two because I couldn't stand being abandoned by them so I did the breakup first. At one point you made me believe that someone is actually able to be close to me for such a long time even after I've told you everything about myself. But even you have been driven away by me. My world is empty, lonely, and dark.