Pain Everywhere.

Almost 36 weeks pregnant. The physical and emotional discomfort is the most severe in this phase. My right shoulder, arm, waist, thighs, calves, and feet all hurt, mostly from carrying too much weight. Emotionally I’m depressed; I’m lonely, angry, extremely anxious, and guilty.

I feel that I’m not competent enough as a mom. My physical discomfort is preventing me from engaging with my older son 100%. My emotional discomfort makes me worry that bad hormones would affect my little son’s growth. I’m doing a terrible job taking care both of them. On top of that, I have to take care of all the errands in the house, including driving, arranging logistics, coordinating among people, cleaning etc because my husband can not speak the language here. He’s getting a colonoscopy tomorrow morning and I have to be there with him. That leaves me less than 6 hours of sleep, again.

I want to feel good, feel positive and happy for my kids’ sake. But I have no one to talk to. Angel basically shuts me out no matter what feeling language I give him because he thinks whatever he says triggers me. So X, I’d like to talk to you.

Can you feel my pain? Can you understand my emotional and physical discomfort? I’m still very traumatized by the postpartum hemorrhage I had in my last c-section, and I’m so afraid of having the surgery again. I’m so afraid of hospitalization and rehabilitation because I’d have to be away from my son for almost a month. How is he going to deal with this emotionally? I’m so afraid that he’d be scared and angry and eventually hate me and his little brother. I’m so afraid of the pain. Can other people do a good job keeping him safe while I’m away? How can I ever not worry about my kids? I’m so lonely. All the anxiety is driving me crazy and yet nobody has reached out to me. Dear X, can you hold me? Can you take care of me? Can you drive me to the hospital instead of me driving you and my son while being so pregnant? Can you learn the local language and cultural nuances here so that our life can be easier? So that I don’t have to translate for you anymore? So that you can use all the appliances at home?