Ayung River Rafting

Today I went rafting with my brother in Ayong River. The whole journey was 11 kilometers long and would take about two hours; we chose this route because it was supposed to be easy and light with lots of sights to see, but today it turned out to be a point where my perspective on lie has changed drastically.

It was pouring rain this afternoon. I've always loved the rain and I even dreamed of seeing Bali in the rain in my dream a couple of weeks before coming here. However, I never saw myself rafting in the rain because that would be dangerous. I checked with the people again if it was safe to raft, and they told me "more rain, more fun". I had never rafted before; in fact, I had never seen a river before except for going on a bridge over a small part of a river. Ayung River is very primitive. At its downstream there were many fancy restaurants and villas with a view of it. We started somewhere up in the mountains, many kilometers north of Ubud. Before we got to our boat, we had to walk down 500 steps of stairs. It was quite exhausting because of slippery ground and moss everywhere. I had to be very careful. We were traveling with a Russian couple who are staying at the same hotel with us and  are here for their honeymoon.

I always felt quite uncertain this afternoon because of the rain. I felt scared and cold. I got soaked in the rain before I started rafting because of the pouring rain. There was no towel and I felt really cold. Then I got warmed after the long walk down the stairs and rafting. Our captain was a local Balinese named Jean; he's very thin but strong and muscular, energetic, smart, and intelligent. His profile looks like one of those Egyptian carvings of a king's profile.

As we began rafting, the rapids were pretty big. There were a few waterfalls and fast swirls that made me scream. About 15 mins down the road, we came across a huge waterfall that was carrying lots of mud. The entire waterway was blocked by the pouring water and it was super windy. All the boats were pulled over and waiting for the rain to stop. A few minutes later, their crew decided to give up and walk back home through the mountains. Jean, however, wouldn't give up like that. He walked a long way in the mountains to check things out past the waterfall. He came back with a solution that they would have extra professional rafters on each boat to create more power against the heavy water and wind. Then he and two other rafters escorted a family of three to go through the waterfall. The rest of us waited anxiously to see if Jean could actually return. 

While we were waiting, I thought I was almost having hypothermia. I was feeling so cold and my fingers were even feeling a bit numb. The Russian couple behind me were holding each other to keep warm, but I couldn't do that with my brother, which would feel disgusting. Then I felt a bit sad. X, let's do this again and you could make me feel safer and stronger.

Jean returned successfully and the rain actually stopped so the waterfall shrank a little bit. After three or four boats have made it through the tiny passage past the waterfall, Jean led us through it too. When we were under the fall, water was hitting hard on us, and I was completely focused on following Jean's command and raft as hard as I could. I was a fighter at the moment. I fought until I succeeded, which is pretty much what I've always done in my life, alone though. I knew that I would survive even if I had to fight alone, but it would be less exhausting and scary to fight with my true love. Then we made it! It was beyond exhilarating because I went from cold and scared and doubtful to strong and fearless and let-go. The emotional turmoils were so amazing and priceless. The rest of the trip was easy breezy compared to the waterfall. I still screamed a lot; the nature and wild life surrounding us were ineffable.

Then I started to wonder, if my husband is 50 years old, would he be able to make it through this journey with me? He'd probably choose to stay on the beach at the resort. If Ken was my husband, would he come to this journey with me? I guess he'd be like "no sorry. I'm too tired from work. Or I'm feeling too sick. I can't do this. You can do it yourself."

X, let's come back here next year and do this rafting trip with Jean. I really can't wait to share all my happiness and excitement here with you!

Notes in Nusa Dua on Xmas Day

Today is Christmas Day. I'm typing down this journal entry on the beach in Nusa Dua. This is my fifth day in Bali. Of course I haven't met X yet. No man has approached me here except for Balinese street vendors.

There are many things I can write about Bali but not so much about the people. At first I found them cute and warm, but really, they're not that different from those Southeast Asians smiling to get sympathy points and extra tips. I find their hospitality quite similar to that I came across in the Philippines, Malaysia, and Thailand.

But the nature and art are a different story. I took a sketching lesson yesterday at my hotel and it was an eye-opener.

I will put together some more organized entries after the trip. Right now I just want to explore the deep sadness in me again. There are so many happy couples and families wherever I go, which is why no man would talk to me here. I wonder how those women get there, as in this point in their life. I can't even imagine making travel plans with my man, not to mention an overseas travel plan, not to mention an overseas travel plan with our children for the holidays! I feel so distant from what those women have. The sun is setting and Merry Xmas. I wish Santa can bring me a miracle this year.

Over again

Today I finally texted Roy and asked him to give me the truth about how he really felt. I first he kept avoiding answering my question; he said he thought I was keeping quiet and that he had been really busy. I had to push him more than once to answer whether he cared about me. He said he did but then he never told me whether he was serious about me. But, there's always a but, he had been really busy with his work and had no time to even send me a text message over the past week. I said at the beginning he wouldn't leave me alone and now he wanted me to leave him alone after he had seen me naked. When he was chasing me he even came all the way to my place from his work just to see me or to grab a quick lunch with me and now he didn't even have time to give me a call. I told him that after he'd been gone for weeks for the holidays he wouldn't even remember me when he comes back. He said I was overthinking but then I told him I wouldn't tolerate neglect for weeks so that was our goodbye.

If he truly cares about me he would've at least explain something but he never did; he never texted me back.

Here's the pain again. I wish I didn't feel any pain from this non existent relationship but I do feel a lot of pain. It's been a very long time since I last opened up to a man.. I didn't want to give him a chance but I chose to because I thought love was not idea;l may be a man with so many problems would actually give me what I want so I shouldn't just look on the outside. After I have opened up to someone I get hurt again.

Do your X, where are you? why can't we be together?

I'm here.

Today I had a lot of work to do. I gave lectures from 930 in the morning till 6 PM. Then I got a last-minute phone call for last-minute deadline which I successfully completed by 10 p.m. I felt so much exhaustion because I had only five hours of sleep last night and I didn't have breaks in between during the day; besides I found myself having ovulatory bleeding again. Then I couldn't help but break down into tears from time to time. I try to seek comfort by texting Roy, but in vain. All he could tell me was that I had to stop feeling sad and start working. He do not approve of the sad feelings I had like everybody else; most people tell me that I feel sad too easily. However, I value my own sensitivity and emotional openness so I don't ever want to tolerate another man who simply tells me to be in charge of my whole life and term is away when I feel sad.

There aren't many men who are capable of telling me what I want to hear, which is "Kendra, hang in there. I am right here for you. In fact, no one has ever told me this. All of the blame me for being too emotional and sensitive, including my own parents. but is my emotional response unjustified? Don't people feel sad when they have worked more than 12 hours on the Saturday when most people around them are having fun with their significant others or someone they care about? Because of my job, I cannot hang out with other people on the weekday evening or on a Saturday night. I can't even remember the time when I wore a decent dress to a nice restaurant or bar. I said to Roy the other day that I wanted him to take me on the Deezen date so I could wear a nice dress I had never respond. He did not respond to my rant today about how long I have award address either.

He's not capable of giving me the emotional support I want, or I need. I have been fooled by all the sweet words he told me, the sadness behind his eyes. He's nothing different from all other men who were once in my life: they want to see me naked, they want to have sex with me, and once they have come on my naked body, they get tired of me already.

I'm feeling so much pain again as I tried to recall the time when Ken tried to comfort me when I was crying in the city of gold. Ken has never once told me not to cry or that I cry too much. He seems to be The only person who's able to identify with my grief and anger and pain.I could feel but he can feel me and I could feel him too although I don't know if he can feel that I could feel him. He got me a pint of strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice cream when I was sad, as if he was encouraging me to be sad, or in other words, to be myself. I could feel him telling me "Kendra, hang in there. I'm Right here for you", even though of course he is never told me that. How he treated me and his actions spoke to words to me in the most convincing way.

But Ken, where are you now?

I dont know what's going on with my life. I can't even get a 50-year-old man who's getting a divorce, giving out a large fortune, being alienated from his family to fall in love with me. I know I am supposed to stop beating myself up and go with all the crap that the timing is right, or I just haven't met the right person yet. But after so many repeated errors it's hard for me not to blame myself; Roy told me that he feels warm when he sees my smile and he feels tingles in his hands when he holds mine. Once he has seen me naked he loses all the romance with me. He has stopped all the chase. So there must be something wrong with my body?

Maybe I got sexual with the man too soon. But this time I actually thought I had a fair shot at romance with Roy because he's just just damaged as I am, if not more. I thought he would definitely cherish our encounter and pamper me with all his love since he's old and has lost everything. I am wrong again. I never had a shot at true love.

The Abyss of Grief

Why do I have so much grief in me? I'm feeling so much sadness and pain right now; it's as if all the bad emotions I had been pushing down over the past six months are emerging again. I can't stop my tears from rolling down my face; I can't stop feeling the pain in my left chest.

On Monday Roy came by my place during his lunch break and it was the first time we kissed and made out. He dropped by my place and brought me chocolate, strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice cream, and A cup of latte. These are some of the things we have been talking about lately that it would be nice if he one day woke me up with roses, lobsters, coffee, chocolate, and Häagen-Dazs strawberry ice cream, which are all my favorite things.

And then on Thursday I finished work early, he happened to send me a message and then asked me to hang out for the night. So we had dinner together and then hung out at his place with the TV. It was very nice; of course we made out but we do not have sex; I did give him a blowjob. After God we fell asleep together until I finally woke up because I had to get back to my place. It was very sweet and I felt secure in his embrace.

Then he walked me down to get a cab. It was raining that night and I was holding an umbrella waiting for a cab. Then we kissed, exactly as he had pictured it in his mind. Earlier that evening we talked about how much I enjoyed the rain and how romantic it would be to kiss in the rain. I preferred to kiss in the rain without an umbrella because it feels more passionate that way; he preferred to kiss in the rain with an umbrella because we get some space from under the umbrella and some a creates a bit more coziness. And then his version happened before I got home the cab; we kissed under an umbrella and it was a very romantic image.

Well, it's not my first time kissing in the rain although I will always love kissing in the rain. The first time I kissed in the rain without an umbrella was with Sean. I thought that was my happy ending but apparently it wasn't even close. This time a similar image is giving me another illusion of a happy ending, but I am afraid that it will just slip away like that. I feel terrified and extremely insecure right now. I want to know whatever Roy is doing every second and I want to have that lifelong commitment right now but there's a voice somewhere somehow telling me that it's not happening. Roy thinks that I react to things unnecessarily emotionally but I think my extra sensitivity is usually accurate. I'm feeling his withdrawal and I think it will take place at one point and then I'll be right again. I have tried so hard over the past few years to relax and let go but here I am at the abyss of grief again.

There's one person that I really want to talk to right now--Jes.