Never like that.

JJ's girlfriend is flying all the way from the City of Rain to the City of Power to visit him. Actually I think I am over JJ already, but somehow this still upsets me a bit. I do feel the pain; I do not understand why he wouldn't choose me over her. In fact, nobody would choose me over someone else; everybody chooses someone else over me.

God please make me cry. I haven't dropped a single tear since moving to the City of Power. I want to cry so much but the tears just wouldn't come out.

Jerks.

I literally turn every man I have been with into jerks.

Tonight me and JJ went to some social gathering and it ended at around midnight. Before we hooked up, if we had to go home late, he would always walk me home, because his place is like 5-minute walk from mine. But tonight, he made me walk home alone at almost 1 a.m. This city is dangerous; a senior colleague just died today from a car accident that took place a week ago because the driver was drunk at 8 in the evening on a regular week day and drove all the way onto the pavement! Another colleague of mine just got carjacked over the weekend and is still hospitalized for head trauma.

I have analyzed JJ's behavior and I know why he does this, but I just feel he's so narrow-minded and selfish, and he used me.

Oh well, maybe my judgment is just so bad when it comes to men, or I just turn every man into jerks.

Why can't I?

Why is it always so difficult for me to make someone fall in love with me? Or I should say this; out of the one dozen guys I have been with, no one fell in love with me. Am I always attracting the wrong men?

JJ and I have returned to our normal friendship. He still calls/texts me but we're avoiding all physical contact. To recall the 4-day farce, he initiated most of the actions; he hugged me tight first and then kissed me; he came home with me without being invited. Most important of all, I am single but he's not, so it's not entirely my fault.

I haven't dropped any tear for this man so far, and I don't plan to. I have cried too much for every man I've kissed but I think after my relationship with Ivan, I am almost soul-less. I crave for the warmth, strength, and the cologne smell of a man yet I always know that none of them will do anything for me. JJ is probably just one of those men, and I have absolutely no intentions to make him do anything or change anything for me. If he cares about me enough, he should do those things voluntarily for me otherwise, I will only create another disastrous relationship like me and Ivan's.

4-day farce.

OK I think I have spent too much time explaining the story to my friends so I will only brief here.

Day 1: JJ and I hooked up and spent the night at my place.
Day 2: JJ and I hooked up again and spent the night at my place again.
Day 3: I told JJ that my moral standards do not allow me to be an intruder of someone's relationship so we agreed to be just friends again. Later that night nothing happened.
Day 4: JJ and I hung out as friends like before. However, later that night, we hooked up again and I spent the night at his place.

After thinking it through all day today, I've decided not to let this happen again until he is single. I must conquer the desire.

Perfection.

A couple of nights ago, JJ came to my place for dinner. Somehow my amazing spicy red hot food made him reluctant to leave my apartment. We hung out till almost 2 a.m. We were close to each other now. He talks to me and calls me every day, yet he talks to his long-distance girlfriend only once per week.

That night I felt like kissing him, but of course nothing happened. He fell asleep next to me, and then I was wondering. Wondering if I was good enough for him, wondering if he is worthwhile. He is perfect, everybody loves him. I am better than him in some ways, but he's better than me in even more ways. Oh, especially his family background, it is his background that intimidates me. His family is so rich and powerful and I just don't think my family background would be a good match.

Again, I am retreating. It's always much easier to give up than to pursue a relationship. Men do love my food though.