Difficult.

Cato finally came back from his trip and I made him delicious dinner last night. He got me a cute little doll and walked me through more than 1,000 pictures he took with his new SLR. Obviously after all these there was lots of passionate make-out taking place. Then he fell sound asleep and I got up, put some clothes on and did the dishes quietly.

After completing my daily facial care and ready for bed at around 2 a.m., somehow he woke up. This time we almost went all the way but I resisted again. It is something I've thought about a lot, whether I should give my first time to him. However he has never called me his girlfriend and I still have this bottom line of not having sex with someone who is not my boyfriend.

So I interrupted and asked him at one point, "Cato, am I your girlfriend?" He paused for quite a while and said "I still don't know what you mean...But I guess the answer is yes." Then we talked for a while about the definition of a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I said it only entails exclusiveness and sex although I believe he thought there's more to those and vice versa. And then, he was entirely honest with me and told me that there are days when he thinks about me a lot while there are days I just don't come across his mind at all; he was very afraid of being a bad person and hurting me and that is a source of stress and anxiety for him.

This doesn't surprise that much because that explains why he could go on without calling or texting me for days, although previously I just assumed he was thinking about me but was just too busy to call. I was silent for a while and he wanted to know how I feel. I told him I wanted to cry but I just couldn't; the pain in my chest was and is still unbearable but why can't I squeeze out the tears? I also told him it was my problem because he was the nicest guy I know and now I make him feel like a bad person. I also told him a lot about how difficult it is for my closest friends to see my emotions and how I wish I were a stronger person. He held me tight the whole night while I fell asleep; originally he was planning to leave my place at 6 a.m. but he decided to stay somehow. I asked him why and he just said he wanted to stay.

In the morning I was feeling sad again. I felt that the only way I could make a man stay is by taking my clothes off. No one really wants to stay because of me rather than my body. When he was about to leave he saw my long face and I said to him, "I'm just wondering when I will come across your mind after you leave this apartment." He said he would let me know and 30 minutes later he texted me saying "thought of you."

Now I don't know if he did these things in the morning because he felt guilty or he was falling for me. I think it's more likely to be the former. Why am I such a difficult person to love? Some people say it's because I don't love myself first or because I don't believe in God and his love. As an atheist I actually think I love myself quite well but I still have some contradiction of self-hating. Now is a moment when I hate myself. I really wish I could know what my problem is that makes it impossible for anyone, except for my dog, to love me and turns all the nice guys into jerks against me. Honestly I think I already made a huge progress with Cato in terms of feeling less insecure and having less expectation, but during Thanksgiving I was already shopping for his Christmas gift and imagining us meeting up in front of the beautiful Christmas tree on the Avenue in the City of Money, where his family lives, and exchanging presents; he would say those three words to me on that snowy Christmas day and the world would stop feeling cold and we would kiss on the Avenue with the most beautiful Christmas decorations in the world. I even bought a Christmas card and figured out what to write in the card. Now I know none of these will ever happen and I am alone during the cold holidays again.

Chalte Khan.

I just watched the movie My Name Is Khan tonight. The leading actor Shah Rukh Khan appeared very familiar to me. Then I recalled him starring in the movie Chalte Chalte, which I saw with Ivan 3 years ago.

Last night I felt like crying before sleep. I was reading some blogs about relationships and love, but they only make me realize how difficult those things are. I think Cato and I have a good thing going, but he never initiates to message me or call me; like now he's traveling overseas he still doesn't initiate the message even if we're both online. Today I initiated it again.The conversation was fun and sweet, as always. Nevertheless I still have doubts every time he doesn't take the initiative. Sometimes the insecurity is so scary that makes me want to cry, like last night.

Last night in addition to the insecurity I was also thinking about how hard it is to "achieve" those three words. Although I've been with so many men, and actually loved three of them, I've only said those three words to Ivan, and I said it rather quickly, through a text message though. I recalled the instant when I said it, I felt courage and lots of happiness.Until hours later I realized Ivan wasn't ready to reciprocate, I cried. I wish life could go back to that simplicity, the young age of 22, when I could say such things without worrying about the consequence and somehow with 100% confidence he felt the same way about me. Now I just can't. Not just because I'm afraid to scare him off, also because I don't know what love is and I believe what I had with Ivan wasn't love either. Life now is merely a union of numbness, confusion, and fear.

Yes, this American Bollywood movie did make me cry tonight. It feels good to be able to cry again after months. Isn't it ironic that things that actually move people are non-existent in real life? Is there something wrong with the humanity, the society, or just me?

Acetaminophen Delirium.

If there's one gift I can ask for from, say, a superpower, it would be the ability to define love, what love is. I thought I had it when I was with Ivan, but then I realized it was not real. Without love I don't even know what happiness feels like. I can laugh, have fun but the loneliness and fear are always there. Why am I such a weak person? Why can't I recover and rejuvenate myself to who I used to be 5 years ago, someone who had all the faith in love, was able to trust completely and never felt insecure?

I caught a very bad flu the night Cato left for his business trip overseas and he won't be back until the end of Thanksgiving. I have been so sick that I couldn't even transport myself to the hospital and stayed home for the past 60 hours. Then I realized I am still by myself after all. No one is next to me. I had to deal with the high fever and body pain that lasted for the past 48 hours all by myself. My throat is so swollen that one can actually see a bump from the outside. NyQuil was able to kill the fever but the sore throat is still there.

How I met your mother had a couple of really nice quotes on love this week:

Nora's dad: When you meet the right person, you know it. You can't stop thinking about them. They're your best friend and your soul-mate. You can't wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare.

Kevin: I am constantly amazed by the things you say, and tranced by the things you do. And unlike a certain jalapeno coconut vodka martini, you’re easy on the eyes. And if we’re together long enough, I hope that one day you see yourself the way I see you.

I thought Ivan and I were each other's best friend. It turned out as we broke up the friendship also ended, which means were not each other's best friend. But on the other hand, I am no Robin. She's gorgeous and every man in the show falls in love with her quickly and deeply. I, on the other hand, seem very difficult to be loved. I don't know why but maybe it's because I love easily? Well, I wouldn't say I love Cato now but at least I try my best to care for him, be there for him, and expect nothing from. The last part is my biggest improvement from the past; I don't expect anything in return; I don't expect him to do or change anything for me because based on my experience with Ivan, I will be blamed for that.

A few days ago after clubbing, Cato walked me home and I asked him to stay but he refused. The reason was because he was going to crash at the place of a close female friend of his as she is going through some depression from a breakup. I got upset, and he thought that was unreasonable. He promised me there was nothing I needed to be suspicious about and spent quite some time to comfort me. The next day I talked to Tanner and he thought my reaction was unnecessary either; Tanner also thought I was high-maintenance. So when Cato asked me out for dinner the next day I apologized for my madness. But does the problem go away? The fact that Ivan got together with that long-distance bitch D is there. After we counted down to the New Year's the first thing he did was to run out of the building and make a long-distance phone call to that bitch for an hour. Then he forced me to wish her happy birthday on the phone. I feel things like these will always prevent me from moving on. They will also make me suspicious and how can I really trust again?

I really wish I had never been with Ivan. I admit there were times I felt truly happy and lucky to have him but all the horrible things he did have left too much scar in my mind and getting close to those areas still burns. He promised me he would never be with D because he felt she was a slut, and he told me even if she jumped on him naked one day he would only despise her rather than be attracted. That was when I trusted him completely and let go all of my concerns. But how could he take advantage of all my trust and be with her? I really wish I could get an answer for this so I can fix myself. I really do.

"It's funny how the people who hurt you the most are the ones who promised you they never would." "The hurt we get from giving too much love, is the inability to ever love again."

11/11/11 11:11

1 is my favorite number and I feel I need to write something for this day, this number.

How I Met Your Mother this week was interesting, but flawed. 1) In the first episode of Season 7 Ted asks his kids, "Kids, you remember Nora right?" If Nora married Barney she would have been Aunt Nora and there was no point for Ted to ask his kids whether they remembered Nora. Therefore obviously Barney marries Robin instead of Nora. 2) Lily got pregnant in the last episode of Season 6, which was in May 2011, and Hurricane Irene hit in late August 2011. How is it possible for Lily to get pregnant during the hurricane?

These are the two stupid mistakes I think the screenwriters should have paid attention to.

Other than those, I am deeply obsessed by the line, "When I let a day go by without talking to you, that day's just no good." How long and how much does it take to find someone who feels that way about me?

India.

A high school classmate just got married to an Indian and moved to Mumbai. Interestingly she and her husband met in Richard's City at work. It reminds me of how I might have done the same years ago. Nevertheless I think I'm too American and old to move anywhere outside of this country now.

Falling

Last night Cato said he had a lot of things to do for the weekend but still went to dinner with me. During the dinner he talked about his frustration at work and I tried hard to be there to support and comfort him. After dinner he walked me home, and I told him he really didn't have to if he had a lot of things to do for the night; I also told him I felt bad for making him go to dinner with me and he replied "I go to dinner with you because I want to; you're not making me do anything," and I continued with a smile, "I've heard that before." I don't know if he knew what I was referring to and in fact I think my response was inappropriate. But I said that because Ivan said the exact same thing to me before; in the end he blamed me for making him change into someone else that he's not, ignore his friends, and everything and claimed that he was drunk so he wasn't responsible for any of those things. I hope Cato is a better man.

On the intersection next to my apartment, I was waiting for the traffic light and he was heading another direction for home. Then he kissed me, on that busy intersection, in front of two hotels full of tourists and pedestrians, in a downtown neighborhood where all my colleagues live. It was my first time to be kissed in such a public place (in the past most of the PDA took place at night clubs) and it was a very long passionate kiss. He did it twice. As he told me earlier that he is private about intimacy, we never even held hands in public (except for that one time) and I never tried to push him. But this time he took the initiative and we didn't even know if any of our colleagues was one of the pedestrians. The moment felt great; the whole universe was drawn to us, only us. Perhaps he was just showing me off, but at least it's better than not wanting to show me off at all. Then he kissed me on the forehead.

Now I don't feel insecure anymore. Today he didn't text or call me but I'm totally fine with that. I know he's thinking about me and I don't need all those formalities to reassure myself. I think I'm falling and he's falling too. It's time to let go and forget all the baggage from the past and begin a new chapter.

4.5 Years Left.

I want to be married by 30, and that leaves me less than 4.5 years. I just realized I am entering the 8th month of my 25-year-old. I do feel different now. I do feel old and tired. I crave simplicity so much and it's depressing me.

Cato got sick over the weekend so this morning I made him ginger tea from scratch and brought it to the office for him. For dinner because he had a lot of work to do I just bought some food from the Whole Foods buffet and prepared the dinner very quickly. When he saw the dinner he was surprised by the way I'm taking care of him and he thought I was like his mom. This reminded me of how I used to cook for Ivan and take care of him; I often prepared lunchboxes for him and even his colleagues loved the food. After dinner we made out for a while before he went home. I made him another cup of ginger tea for him to take home.

I am crying and hurting as I write this. Maybe it is my insecurity, or maybe it's something else. Why is there no love in the world? What is love? What should I believe in? Everything I'm doing for Cato comes from my belief in love. Way before we hooked up, we had multiple lengthy conversations on what love is, and he said he believed I still have that ideal for love somewhere in my mind, which was one of the reasons why I decided to be romantic with him. Is he going to remove that ideal from me like everyone else did? At some point when we were making out, I kind of lost my interest; when we were looking into each other's eyes, I was hoping he would ask me to be his girlfriend but he didn't. All of a sudden I was back to the confusion of who I was to him. I am so sick of being just a hookup, a fling, as always.

I remember the day when Ivan asked me to be his girlfriend; I was back home for Christmas so he asked me via email. I was so happy and excited that day but when I replied I used a tone of indifference because the love game theory says so. I was happy for the rest of the holiday season.

I think what I had for Ivan was real love. I put him before my family, my career, my time, everything. We were in a long distance relationship for about 5 months. During those 5 months I met some attractive guys when I went out or clubbing but I never got interested at all because I believed what Ivan gave me was true love as well and no one else in the world could give me any equivalents. He was the only reason why I'd try to rescue my career and move close to him; I did not end my life because he was the only meaning in my life that made my life worth living. But it turned out he never loved me; he was always thinking about someone else and would never sacrifice anything for me.

If we all have to specify what we're looking for at the very beginning, then it's nothing different from filling out the lengthy survey when signing up for eHarmony. If a relationship is based on all these prerequisites, then what is love? Is there love at all in this kind of relationship?

The reason why I keep making the same mistake is because I am still hopelessly romantic. I believe in chemistry. I believe love should take place without all those prerequisites; that's why I kiss first, and make out too, but never sex. For every guy I made out with, I actually pictured a future with them. I wouldn't become sexual with someone if I don't see a future of getting along with that person. Unfortunately chemistry is still so far away from a serious relationship, even farther away from love. It seems like everyone, be it man or woman, only wants the sex, and nothing else. I need to stop believing don't I?

As I finish this entry the pain has filled my entire chest. It is still so painful to recall what I used to believe in and how I used to love and how none of those was real. I just don't have the ability to hurt anyone but myself.

"Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel and break these calluses off of me one more time, 'cause I am hanging on every word you say and even if you don't want to speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me. 'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door and listen to you breathing is where I want to be ."